I...don't even know where to begin.

I have been carrying this secret around for a bit now, and it's killing me and alienating me from the support system of friends and family that I have built over the years. Maybe typing it will help, maybe it won't. I'm going to do it anyway, just in case. I've been contemplating it for some time now. So here goes...

I had a wonderful fiance (a little foreshadowing). We have been together (and living together) for almost three years. From the very beginning, it seemed, everything was great. It took me a long time to get over the fear that things were too good to be true, because I have come from a liftime of pain. But finally, I believed in him and put everything I had into the relationship. In August 2004 we got engaged and set our date for October 2005. I thought we really had a great relationship. He met all my emotional needs and then some and I went above and beyond to do the same for him. I felt so "filled up" that I couldn't STOP giving. He always returned the favor. My guy is an army reservist, and in early November 2004 we discovered that he is being deployed to Afghanistan. We decided to move our date up to December 11, 2004 because we wanted to get married before he left. Then on November 12, 2004, I discovered that he had been having a physical affair with a someone from work (his regular job, not the army job)...for a year and a half. I was shocked. I'm still shocked. I saw NO signs. He also was devastated at the discovery. We did nothing but lock the bedroom door and talk all weekend. He cried, I ran the gamut of emotions, he said he would do anything, etc...including working from home at my request because I am terrified of him going back to the office. He made arrangements for us to begin marriage counseling once and sometimes twice a week. He even accompanied me to the home of this "person" because I felt compelled to tell her husband before she came home from the business trip she was on at the time of discovery. He waited in the car, miserably. He didn't want me to do it but said he supported whatever I felt I needed to do. He seems completely devoted to the relationship and claims he had a revelation at the discovery moment motivated by fear of losing me. I use terms like "he claims" because even though he says this and his behavior supports it, I will never believe again that things are as they seem. He said he wanted to marry me more than anything and didn't see why we couldn't still get married on December 11th. And that is what we did. I couldn't tell ANYONE. Everyone would think I was a fool for marrying him. I married him because...I love him, I believe in him because he says he is committed and his behavior has supported all his promises, I was afriad if I didn't marry him and he left for Afghanistan that I would, out of a need to heal, get over him in the 12-18 months he will be gone and I would lose him. And, I suppose, because I hope. I believe he is worth the chance. We had a really beautiful wedding, and it was very meaningful to us. Inside I felt like I was lying to everyone. I WAS lying to everyone. I hate lying. I am angry that I've been put in that position. Even though I am aware, ultimately the choice to lie was mine. I know that it would cause me further pain to tell the truth so I lie to protect myself. My lies to my family and friends are things like: the day after d-day, I was "sick" and throwing up all weekend. That's why I called in to work and didn't answer the phone, that the reason my husband is working from home is simply to spend more time with me before his deployment in March, that the reason I have lost 20 lbs. in a month is because of the stress of him leaving and getting my hormones leveled (what a crock!), the reason I started smoking after having quit for a year is, again, the stress of him being deployed. Those are just a few. I am angry at having been robbed. I miss the person I thought he was, my best friend, although I love the person he has become...a completely devoted husband who strives to make me happy and be a good spiritual leader. Throughout the wedding and the planning, I was robbed of the joy. I did the tasks, picking a dress, flowers, blah, blah, blah...but there was no joy. He has taken the fallout well. Occassionally I "spit venom" at him, as we have come to call it. He listens patiently, apologizes for hurting me in the past and reminds me that he will never betray me again and that he will protect me. So now what? I heal? How? I feel so broken. I am so angry about his lies and his betrayal. What kind of an a**hole would leave for his two week summer gig with the Army reserves while my car was out of commission and drive to El Paso for seventeen days while I walked three miles to work in the heat of summer only to leave El Paso after the fourteen days he was actually supposed to be there and drive instead to Dallas, where he met this "person" to fly to the Bahamas for a trip that she was taking him on??? He acted like he felt so bad for leaving me without a car. I even fussed over him when he came back because he had such a sunburn from "standing out in the El Paso sun serving his country". I could go on and on about the anger and pain of his lies, just like anyone else, so I won't because this is already like a novel. But my questions and concerns are these...It's so hard to believe that this affair went on for almost the majority of our relationship. Can a physical affair really last that long? How can you have an affair for that long and not feel SOMETHING for one another? Am I seriously disillusioned in hoping that our new marriage can be strong enough to withstand his deployment? His boss has told him that he will have to start coming back in to the office to work beginning in two days. I don't know how to deal with that. He says he doesn't really see another option because he has a good job and no one else will hire him in his field (computer programming) when he is leaving the country in two months for a year or more. Even the marriage counselor seems to support his going back to work. The counselor (a man) says that I will have to deal with him being around women again eventually so it's best to do it now before his deployment so I can "face" it. As if I haven't had to face enough. I realize he will be around women no matter where he goes. But it doesn't have to be THAT one, does it? I don't know how to deal with Tuesday (2 more days). I already seem to have quite a hard time coping with past pain. I barely eat, barely sleep, wake up sobbing, am awake sobbing, ignore life, family and friends, responsibilities, am plagued by "bad thoughts" of what he did, how he did it, and every other random wonder I have at what has really been going on in the past year and a half that makes me so sick to my stomach I can barely stand it. How do I begin to heal? I feel like I will never be happy again, and I don't really care! How do I deal with the pain this causes and is seemingly going to continue to cause?

P.S. Sorry this was so long. Thanks for "listening".

Yikes! You should not have married him. That was a big mistake. But now that you have married, stick with us and read and post here. Things will get much better.

believer, once again I agree with you! You shouldn't have married him. You should have worked through all of this first. I hate to say it but it will probably happen again. I honestly hope not but just my opinion. I know how you feel about not wanting anyone to know. I too didn't want to tell anyone what my WH had done to me. I feel so much better that I did finally open up and tell my friends and family. They have been my support and without them I don't know how I would be making it today.
I wish you the best.

Hi Frozen,

First of all, you need to get your emotions stableized. If you can't do it on your own than go see a doctor. While I am not really a big fan of the particular Anti/D I was on, it really got me to a place where I could atleast function and think clearly.

I must disagree with Tree (sorry Tree) that there is no indication that he will have another affair. You learn what you need to learn from this site, especially about recovery as you may very well be the biggest threat to the marriage now.

Learn what LB's and DJ's are and how to effectively comminucate your hurt and fears to your husband.

I held it against my ex for three years, never even gave him a chance really. And boy did I spew out the DJ's.

Hang on, all is not lost. He has shown a lot of promise already in my opinion, especially the part about agreeing to expose to OW's WH.

I might see if he would agree to counseling with the chaplain while he is deployed. In fact I might make this a boundary. He needs to figure out why he did it and how he can keep from allowing it to happen again and also what it is going to take for him to earn your trust again.

Good luck Frozen, and cyber hugs to you!

Hello {{{frozen}}},

Welcome to MB,

I am sorry you are here for Infidelity.It is one of THE most painful traumas a person/spouse could ever have to endure.It's a horrible experience,we know.

Well,I have to agree with the other's here.Marrying your now WH(wayward husband) was not the best choice for YOU.We have had many discussions here at MB on the dynamics of A's(Affairs) and how when a person cheats on you *before they even walk down the aisle,well,there is one major red flag waving to tell you that something is majorly wrong with that person.Not only did he cheat on you but he cheated before you were married and for a year plus.Not the makings of a faithful and loving husband to be.Only now he knows that he can treat you this way and be somewhat "rewarded" for his bad behavior.In that I mean that you did not call off the Wedding(which I would have) to address this issue.And now you have also lost your moral compass and lost your dignity by lying FOR HIM.It is going to eat away at you because your conscience is telling you this is all wrong.

And you contradict yourself too.You say you could never believe things are as they seem yet you are still willing to tust this man after what he did.Trust is EARNED and he has to earn it back.He also will have to keep working with this woman and I am sure that it doesn't bother him at all.There is no way to tell that the A is over and that he is truly committed to you yet and,he is being sent away for a year?? This is such bad timing.This WH you have is the one that truly needs some serious counseling to find out how he ticks.Now that has to be put on the back burner while you are left at home with the emotional mess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My suggestion at this point is to focus on YOU.If you are not functioning well,meaning not eating, sleeping and doing your usual daily things without a lot of struggle then do consider AD's(antidepressants).Talk to your doctor.Many people benefit from them but like any other medicine,they have side effects that should be discussed with your doctor.I took Remeron and it really helped me to stabilize my emotions and function to take care of my kids and the house a little bit.I was on them for 10 months until I was much stronger to be off them entirely.

I would also suggest getting the books SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley and there are many other's that you can go through to at least try to understand what adultery/infidelity really means for you and for your WH (Torn Asunder,Not Just Friends,etc).Read up on Plan A under the Q&A section of this website although I am not sure yet just how you can implement that if your WH is going to be away.That's really unfortunate at this time.But you can try to do as much as you can for the next couple of months and until you know for SURE that the A is really over.That's a big task in itself.

Stick with us and keep posting for help and just to vent.We are here for you and we know how hard this is for you.Whether or not you have Marital Recovery or Personal recovery,this is a great place for support,information and discussion.

O

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

^bump^

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you may very well be the biggest threat to the marriage now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This particular statement concerns me because this has been a fear of mine. I have chosen to remain in this relationship so it makes sense that I would want to make it the best it can be and NOT pose a threat to my marriage. My question is this...What kinds of things (behaviors and such) do pose a threat and how can I avoid doing them. Also, I have searched and searched and I have no idea what DJ's are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hang on, all is not lost. He has shown a lot of promise already in my opinion, especially the part about agreeing to expose to OW's WH. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I very much appreciate this comment as it made me feel "supported" which I assumed was kind of the point of this forum. I don't necessarily think that anyone has to agree with my decisions but they have already been made. I'm new to posting in forums, I'll admit, but it doesn't seem constructive and supportive to criticize my actions or call my marriage a "mistake". I don't believe I have made a "mistake". If I did, my focus would be on getting out of my marriage instead of trying to make it the best it can possibly be. I thought this web site was called "Marriage BUILDERS"?? Anyway, I very much appreciate your support in trying to build my marriage and taking the time to reply.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I might see if he would agree to counseling with the chaplain while he is deployed. In fact I might make this a boundary. He needs to figure out why he did it and how he can keep from allowing it to happen again and also what it is going to take for him to earn your trust again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought this excellent advice. I discussed this with him and he also thought it a great idea. Since I am a new military wife, I wasn't even aware that this option was available. Thanks for the suggestion.

OK, froz, what's done is done and no sense debating what you should or shouldn't have done instead.

Taking your description of you H on face value, he can come out of this a better man.

But if you really feel "Confused, crippled, and powerless", YOU are in trouble.

OK, confused and crippled, maybe. Powerless? No way. Rather, only if you WANT to be or allow yourself to be.

You can take control of your life and stop wallowing in your pain. Don't get me wrong - we know very much here what your pain is like. Most of us can probably top you on the pain scale very easily. Read my sig line below for an example. And keep reading around on this forum to see what adultery is like for long term families with children.

So, you missed out on a "happy" wedding. Yep. Not fair. But look what you gained - tremendous insight into what causes the final blow to most failed marriages. Are you gonna make the most of this? Are you gonna grow with your husband and make your marriage affair proof in the future? You have the power to do this. For now, you seem more concerned with what others will think of you than in repairing your relationship.

From a practical standpoint, what steps have been taken to prevent this particular OW from coming back? I disagree with your counselor that he and she can continue working together. What was the reaction of her husband?

Please see a doc about potential depression. Very common among betrayed spouses. Your pain will subside in time - anti-deps may help. But you've already got what the majority of cheated spouses here hope for > a remorseful, former wayward spouse willing to work on the marriage.

Please join him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
[QB]
And now you have also lost your moral compass and lost your dignity by lying FOR HIM.It is going to eat away at you because your conscience is telling you this is all wrong.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not 'lying' for him. I specifically stated in my post that my lies to friends and family were to protect myself. He has already said that he would be supportive of my telling anyone of my choosing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
And you contradict yourself too.You say you could never believe things are as they seem yet you are still willing to tust this man after what he did.
Trust is EARNED and he has to earn it back.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No contradiction here, in my opinion. I never stated that I trusted him. I agree that trust is earned and my decision to remain in this relationship is essentially saying that I am willing to give him the opportunity to earn my trust back.

Thanks for sharing with me the information about anti-depressants. I will consider that. I also thank you for your recommendations on reading material. I will also look into those. Most importantly, thanks for listening and taking the time to reply.

Wow! I was blown away by your response. You are right. About everything. Perhaps I am NOT powerless. That's funny, I sure felt that way yesterday. I do not feel that way today. Thank you very, very much for pointing out to me the ways in which I DO have power. I guess I really have been letting my self-pity rule me.
I also appreciate your support of my husband. My description of him was actually quite minimizing. He has been quick to take responsibility for his actions and to try to make alleviation of my pain a priority. I do not consider him a lost cause, nor do I consider him a wayward husband. He was wayward, sure, but not since he's been my husband, to the best of my knowledge.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From a practical standpoint, what steps have been taken to prevent this particular OW from coming back? I disagree with your counselor that he and she can continue working together. What was the reaction of her husband? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The steps that have been taken are this:
-Shortly after discovery she e-mailed him. He responded with "My fiance knows everything. You and I are through." As far as I know there has been no other contact since.
-I revealed all to OW's H. Hopefully, this provides some accountability on that end of the situation. His reaction was typical, I suppose. Some disbelief, intially, but I think he was in shock. Also, he had an A a couple of years ago, so he stated that he was getting what he deserved. I derived some validation with your disagreement with our MC. But the issue of my H returning to work tomorrow (1 more day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) is so complex that neither of us are sure what to do about it, what with his deployment in a couple of months and the fact that we do have children from previous marriages to support (mine 14 & 16, living with us, his 6, not living with us). If it weren't for the matter of the deployment, he could just simply get another job. The deployment also concerns me because I worry that our marriage isn't strong enough to sustain the blow of separation so soon. The plan we have in place for this is to contact each other as much as possible and to continue counseling separately until he returns.
I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond. I found your words to be inspiring and empowering and it truly did help me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please join him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe I will.

Glad to help, froz.

Now get hot on Plan A and examine yourself to see what issues you brought to the relationship that helped create fertile ground for the affair. This doesn't mean you caused it - far from that. It only means that you likely helped him rationalize it by not meeting certain of his needs. He needs to do this, too, for he likely wasn't meeting all of your needs, either.

What were the causes of the failure of his prior marriage? Specifically, was infidelity involved? If so, you may have a lot more work to do.

WAT

From my understanding, the failure of his previous marriage was not due to infidelity on his part, but probably on hers while he was in Korea for a year during his active duty days. She chose to end the marriage and is now married to the OM. With that in mind, where does that place me on the "work to do" scale?

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

Well, some will argue that conducting an affair after having experienced being a "recipient" of one means you might not have learned anything or you're a hypocrit: "I didn't like being lied to, but it's OK for me to lie."

In your recovery you should probe for the circumstances surrounding the "first" failed marriage and see what you can learn to apply to your "new" marriage - the one going forward. These words apply not only to your first failed relationship with your H, but with all failed marriages either of you had before.

Common sense, right?

We have to learn from the mistakes of others because we don't have time to make them all ourselves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

Point taken. I will look into exploring this. Thanks for your time. I'm grateful for your support and advice.

I am not "lying" for him.I specifically said in my post that lies to my friends and family were to protect myself

If your WH is truly willing to be honest about all that has happened then let HIM start explaining and you stop making excuses,or whatever you want to call it.Until then you ARE lying for him.

I use terms like "he claims" because even though he says this and his behavior supports it,I will never believe again that things are as they seem

Then

I believe in him because he says he is committed and his behavior has supported all his promises

You got engaged in Aug 2004 and then 3 months later find out he was unfaithful to you.Then a month later you are married.

I will tell you that you will not always receive a pat on the back and "supportive" advice if we do not feel it will lead you to a better marriage.That's why we have 2x4's around here that we "use" to help those see more clearly that their actions aren't what they should be.Your initial post is different from your following posts and we understand your need to have a plan and you want to save your marriage but we can only offer advice to you based on what you tell us.

We have heard time and again WS's who claim to be over their A's only to realize that they were lying and the A is still ongoing.You are new to this and it has been a relatively brief period where your WH has suggested that things with the OW are over but it almost never is that simple.Withdrawal is a very strong pull on these people and I would just caution you that you are far from out of the woods just yet.We always hope for the best but are wary especially those who have been here a long time.

O

weaver...no problem...everyone has a right to their opinion.

I really do wish you the best Frozen. Keep coming to MB...you will get some good advice!

weaver...no problem...everyone has a right to their opinion.

I really do wish you the best Frozen. Keep coming to MB...you will get some good advice!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your WH is truly willing to be honest about all that has happened then let HIM start explaining and you stop making excuses,or whatever you want to call it.Until then you ARE lying for him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is not always there for every situation to do the explaining, such as at work when I am asked questions. He has made no demands, expectations, or even hopes that I will "cover" for him. My deceptions to my co-workers and clients, a lot of whom are friends, also, are done with the sole intention of protecting myself and my privacy. Whether or not they benefit my H is irrelevent to me, as I have no desire to protect him from the consequences of his actions. The only reason I mentioned "my lying" in my original post was to vent my resentment at having been put in that position because not being true in all relationships is uncomfortable for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I use terms like "he claims" because even though he says this and his behavior supports it,I will never believe again that things are as they seem.

Then

I believe in him because he says he is committed and his behavior has supported all his promises.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still stand by these statements and perhaps I have been misunderstood. Today, I do feel that I will never believe again that things are as they seem. Meaning: I will not rule out the possibility that I may not have all the facts.
Believing in someone and trusting them are not the same. I DO NOT trust my H. Who would? I DO, however, believe that he is capable of being true and capable of working to earn my trust. Do I believe he will? Only time will tell. But I do not wish to sabotage my marriage by refusing to believe that it's possible that he is telling the truth. Nor do I wish to expose myself to further pain by believing that it is IMpossible for him to betray me.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will tell you that you will not always receive a pat on the back and "supportive" advice if we do not feel it will lead you to a better marriage.That's why we have 2x4's around here that we "use" to help those see more clearly that their actions aren't what they should be.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am truly grateful for this fact, as I have mentioned how important honesty is to me in all relationships. I hope that I am capable of examining what might be a potential reality check and discerning from those what might be destructive to myself or my marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your initial post is different from your following posts</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank God I am feeling a little more hopeful today. I can't help but think that might be due in large part to my being able to vent and from the advice and concern that have been displayed to me by you and others in the last 24 hours. I pray that the feeling lingers for awhile, as it feels so much better to have hope than to feel hopeless. This situation has been such an emotional rollercoaster and tomorrow I may sound different. If I do sound contradictory or like 2 different people (it's actually more like 5 or 6...you just haven't met them yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) I apologize and hope you understand (as I suspect you do) that my emotions are quite varying from day to day. I am grateful that today I have hope. Thanks for your honesty and for taking time out of your life to try to tend to my needs. It means more than you know.

You're not gonna like what I have to say... but from my perspective...

Tell your parents about your ACTUAL problems and reasons for your weight loss. Stop lying to your family.

This is too big a secret for you to keep locked up inside. It's burning you from the inside out. Release the secret.

Pep

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>