What the heck is going on? FWW and I are doing so well in recovery, but now I see us heading back to some of the same ruts (could just be me triggering, I don't think rationally at all when I trigger hard). I'm absolutely petrified that it's all going to happen again. I would rather die than go through all that crap again. When I think I see a pattern of what happened before d-day or during the fallout from the A, I go into a serious trigger. I get defensive and get downright offensive to protect myself. I know it may not make any sense, but I think to myself, "there is no way I will ever go through this, I will be the one attacking pre-emptively. It's all defensive! But very damaging to the recovery process. She has worked very hard, I see it and she shows me affection, but sometimes I need more than what she's giving and I'll say I need some more TLC and she get's upset thinking that all she's done is meaningless. FWW thinks I should be farther along than I am. And then whe she tells me that I get upset of that. It's like she stabbed me in the heart and it healed some but the bleeding starts all over again, and she fusses about the blood on the carpet.

I want out of this hell, these triggers are killing me (and her), but I don't know how to make them stop.

When you think that things feel/seem similar to when the A happened, rather than getting defensive, try talking to your fww. Ask her how she is feeling. When she tells you that she doesn't feel things are bad at all and that she loves you, then gives you a big hug...it will make things so much better.

Communication....communication....communication..

Hi rws,

If you feel that you are headed back down that painful road,maybe it's time to check in with your counselor again for a little feedback and to get refocused?

Please don't get discouraged if you are doing so well in recovery.You're being presented with a challenge here so you AND your FWW need to take care of it pronto,together.Prevent that resentment from taking hold OK?!

Isn't there a "6 month Wall" problem in recovery? Maybe check in with the Recovery gang and see what they say?(if not done already).

O

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Rws,

Triggers can be frightful. Consider have a closure ceremony of sorts. I went to the ocean and screamed a few times.....there are other ways. For me it got even more dramatic and probably not very MB but I had to rip up my wedding gown as a symbol that my previous married life had ended. The A came inbetween and if we were to have a recovery, I needed a fresh start. I kept the bow from my dress but as crazy as it sounds, felt better when I cut up the dress, bagged it and put it in the garbage. It was a $600.00 custom dress made by a friend which easily could have cost double. Am I crazy? Yes, but this is what I needed to do. Almost lost our wedding pictures but managed to salvage that one.

See I lost something dear to me that could never be replaced. Kinda what happened to our M. The original M is gone. Never to come back. Something new has taken it's place and it's survival will be on it's own merit. A new one.

H was there when I did this. I was crying uncontrollably. It took a few days to recover. I believe I did the right thing, both then and now. Regrets are a few but have more regrets about his A.

When the triggers hit, ask her what she thinks she can do to help you. Then tell her what she can do to help you.

Implement the info from His Needs/Her Needs regarding communication.

L.

rws,

I know exactly how you feel. I'm a FWW and we're nearly eight months into recovery. I hit a very tough time around six months and then was okay--even through the holidays. Then the other night I had a dream about my FOW, and it hit me out of the blue. I woke up feeling horrible--horrible for missing her, horrible for what I did to my H, horrible for crossing that line with her, etc... This really set me back, and I could hardly look at H in the eyes. Felt very guilty. Can't wait for IC on Tuesday morning! I'm hangin' in there until then!!

Good luck to you. It's just a little setback. At least you're aware of things now--it's totally not the same place you were in 6 months ago!!

CC