I have a dilemna - I'm not sure my partner of 14 years understands why I am no longer in pursuit of him. Brief recap - we separated in June 04, he then confessed bit by bit to 2 affairs, tried to R briefly before he went back to OW. I started NC with him at that point (three weeks ago). Since then he has just been angry and aggressive with me if I have needed to speak to him, has collected our 7 yr old from the end of the driveway for one visit and has not been in contact at all with our teenagers (even over the holiday period). He is also stalling signing our final termination papers, I guess that makes him feel powerful to be calling the shots?

I don't understand his behaviour/anger twds me and why he should turn his back on his family. I gave him my blessing to see if he could make it work with OW, that's what he wanted. I don't know if he has been spending the holiday time with OW or whether that is all off again.

Should I continue with NC until he makes a move or try to have a discussion with him. I am feeling guilty that my NC has lead to the kids getting rejected and hurt.

Has anybody had anything similar to this? I really hate all these mind games!

the anger can be pretty typical...it is often difficult for us humans to own up to the pain we have caused....

far easier to continue to shift blame....and focus off our own actions....

you do have some options....

one is to re-establish contact in which you are nice to him..but also in "control" of the interaction...


meaning that you attempt pleasant and nice banter via email...and if and when each time he gets nasty....
you don't responds AT ALL...

you can also do this phone contact...that any time during a conversation he gets nasty or accusatory you end the convo..not even hang up on in a way that he can blame you for hanging up...
but in a way that is oh I gotta go now...gave me lots to think about talk to you later....

you should also attempt to keep all conversation focused on the children and what they 'need' from him..

again not in an accusatory way...but in a pro-dad pro-kids need you sort of way...

he avoid his children especially the older one/s because he fears facing the pain he has caused them and IS causing him....

If you can deal with him expecting NOTHING but sourness from him..then you may find that you can talk to him...and can give him glimpses of your belief that he can and should work through these things...

one of your other choices is plan b....where you write him and officially inform him of your belief and last remaining love for him...and of your need to remove yourself from his chaos...

if you do this route you must be clear as well as have a clear plan of him being able to have contact with the children...plan b can not be a weapon that blocks the children from him...though it does remain his choice if he acts like a stand up guy...

Should I continue with NC until he makes a move or try to have a discussion with him. I am feeling guilty that my NC has lead to the kids getting rejected and hurt.

this is bunk... be wary of taking on his actions as your responsibility...as a parent you know inside of you...that NOTHING anyone else does can keep you or would keep YOU from seeing YOUR children...
he chooses that path...inspite of and regardless of what you do or don't do...
say or don't say ...
etc...

don't take on his role in this pain...

If i were you...I would reach out to him with short pleasant conversation about the kids...about life in genereal..
nothing deep
nothing about the RELATIONSHIP
nothing about the OP...

nothing but pleasant white noise....
from you....

this will help build the foundation for you to move towards the next focus...
him being a stand up type of dad....

make is all so non personal that any personal attacks look foolish and one sided ...and never ever react to them...just termininate the conversation without anger or a care in the world....

if he can see that he can be around you a little with no pressure from you...he may be able to begin to face his actions a little more...

and start to slowly own up to them..

he expects you to attack him
he expects you to be angry
so he starts it first...to deflect you..make you defensives so he doesn't have to be...

if you can see it somewhat comical as it is..
it may really help you when dealing with him...

ARK

Ark gives a good overview. But I have a few questions?

You said "partner." Are you two married? There is a reason I ask.

Second thing is this. If you are in NC, then you should be in Plan B. NC is during Plan B. Did you do a good Plan A? Did you give it time to work? If you didnt, then you need to Plan A him (read up on it here and in Harley's books).

If you did a good Plan A, then it is time to go to Plan B. That means write the letter (Plan B letter), send it...and then NO CONTACT!!! The letter will spell out why you are doing what you are doing. If he asks or tries to leave messages on why you are doing this, then just send him another copy of the PBL...and remain dark.

NC is for YOU!! Plan B is for YOU!! Plan A is for him. Once you are in Plan B, do not vascillate. I have seen too many people on here extend their pain because they give in. Do not do this.

So, my point is...make sure you have done a good Plan A for the period of time outlined by Dr. Harley. Then go to Plan B, also as he outlines. If you do, you will have good success.

One more note: Never, ever give him permission to do ANYTHING with the OW!!! he is a married man and does not have permission to do anything like that with anyone else but you. Never condone immoral and in some places, illegal behavior. If you do, if you tell him that he can go find out what is what with the OW, then he will!! If he was a drug addict, would you tell him "Honey, if you need to, you can continue to use drugs and find out if you really want to continue with them?" Then why would you give him permission (which is what you did) for him to continue his addiction to the OW?

Time to get with the gameplan here. Dont try to make this up yourself. these principles are tried and true. They are your best hope. You do it yourself, and you most likely will mess everything up.

In His arms.