Hey all,
Been a while since i posted. Nothing really has changed in my sit. although over the holidays i had time to do a lot of thinking and reevaluating
things i have done or should have been doing with my plans.
I know a lot of you old timers like pretty much where feeling that i just wasn't getting it and your right i wasnt. I have been so lost as to what plan i was in or should be going in. I realize over the Holidays after reevaluating what i have done and come to the conclusion that i did a pretty lousy job at plan A. I cont. with relationship talk with WW, i let my anger show and LB the crap out of her. I kept pushing for her to give me time lines which would end in anger and fights. I would speak my tongue before i thought first. I would be nice to WW for a few days then blow up when i found out things i didn't want to know about and then call her back few days later and appologize for the outburst. This gotto be habit forming. Biggest thing is i was to over consumed with WW and what she was doing with OM. I would look for things and read into things that she would tell me and come to my own conclusion as to what was going on, when perhaps it really wasn't. I was trying to micro manage WW life when she wasn't even with me. I was setting myself up by displaying too much affection to her and expecting it to be returned or returned in a way i wanted to hear or see. Then get upset because it wasn't.
Well for some reason it hit me New years eve and day. Looking at all the above and what i had been doing from her perspective....why would anyone want to entertain comming back to that. OM knows how i feel about her through her and he basically was sitting back and watching me shoot myself while he appears as the saint to her.
I learned now that i have to do a better plan A than what i have been doing or at least feel that i have. I have to essentially be the OM right now. Only giving and showing my wife my good side. Granted i will distant myself as too not be so consumed with her. I want to do somethings for me. I want to exp. life with others and develop friendship with others. I want to do some things that i would have never gotten to do while living together with WW but yet i want to cont. to show WW that i still care for her and hope there is a future with us.
First off i want to eliminate my LB's anger, relationship talk,all the ILU's (she knows this becoming pointless to keep telling her).
Second when speaking with her and doing things with her and the kids,no mention of OM as far as i am concern he doesn't exist for that time. That is my time not his, so he doesn't get mentioned.
Third i still want to do small things for Ww,
send occs. card, or buy a flower or two occs. ( i did this for her birthday,bought her flowers and sent them to her ofc. and she loved it!)
Want to do these things but not to the point that it is overkill.
Fourth and most importantly leave this sit. in God's hand and trust in him that he has controll over this sit and my life and will guide me to where i need to go with my life. Essentially let it go,and realize i cannot controll what she does, when does or who she does things with andto not let this emotionally tear me apart. (part of my reason to find things for me, to keep me preooccupied.
5th-cont.to be there for my kids as i have been (only consistant thing i have been doing throughout this)and do things with them while i have them.
I have given myself a new timeline to see if any of this will make a difference with her and hopefully allowing the affair to die a natural death.(Om supposedly goes out for 6mo. cruise in March) my timeline is my anniversary in May for plan A. If no change in her thoughts and still saying same things to me now Plan B until annivasary of our separation and then by then i will know. Plus if it ever gets to that point, i will be far along enough on my own, hopefully it will not.
Appreciated any thoughts, or 2x4's just take it easy on me.
(WW is still talking with me. Still telling me she Loves me although actions not showing but sounds like she doesnt want me to give up although she still doesn't know what future holds for us. Wants to cont. to be friends through this)
jets

jets,

Have your WW recognized your plan A (changes) and still with OM ?.

-rh-

Hey redhat,
Yeah at a time she recognize that i had changed prior to her moving out, but since then i have been shooting myself with the relationship talk and letting my anger show.
I don't know i have talk to others and they disagree with this idea of mine. Others find that i have done way too much now and feel that i have made myself too available to her and should keep her in the back of your mind but move on and not to be so eager to please her or say from what is commning from your heart. To sort of display that i am hard to get. I guess to get her to think that i am not so stable as to be her security blanket if things do not work out between her and OM.
I don't know what to do anymore my emotions and feeling tell me one thing but i listen to others and they make sense. I don't ever want to be WW enemy i can't we share too much of a hist. i just want her to love me but in a passionate way and not as the father of her kids. Maybe i am asking for the impossible.
All anyone can tell me is it is up to you and you will know when you are at that point. The point which is enough is enough. I saw her new years day and she was looking at some old pics of me in a family album i got for Christmas and she smiled and it was like i fell in love all over again.... i miss that smile i saw. Then she was off to spend the day with OM.
I just wish so that she truly felt the same way with me.
Any advice i feel like i spinning in circles and not going anywhere.
If my above plan is wrong and i have planned A too long, then i have just made more mistakes, but showing my WW feelings this morning.
I talked with her at work and generally asked how her weekend went and about situations with our kids. She still has my flowers and still loves them. Then i ended it by telling her to have a good week i miss you and i would be thinking about you....in which i got only a you too and a good bye. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I know not expect her to repeat it back...but i am wondering if this WW has truly fallen out love with me in that passionate way that i want.
jets

Hey Jets, it's been a while. Sounds like you've been doing a lot of soul-searching. Well your right in that you can only make your own choices, that people can give you advice and support but you and you alone are the one in control (at least in control of yourself).

If you feel like you need to do more Plan A b/c you didn't do a good one before then go for it. If you feel like you need to back off then have at it. You know your WW better than anyone, however I would trust the MBer's here b/c they have seen/been through this crap. Where as outside friends haven't. My friends have been telling my to drop my WW.

One thing you said was your now trusting in God. That is good brother... I have done the same thing and the rollercoaster up/downs haven't been so severe. If you truly pray and trust in the Lord he will guide your path and you will instinctively make the right decisions.

Good luck, I have also joined the ranks of separated.

Native.

jets,

I agree with native00 to put the best plan A then moved to plan B afterward. Here cerri’s take on plan A.

There is a time for you to reveluate your plan A and make a decision to move to plan B.

-rh-

Hey redhat and native
Native welcome to the land of separation. Sometimes i wonder if i gave in too easily and too soon with this...but what is done is done i cannot change it. Although i know i would have gone crazy with WW living under my roof and cont. affair.
Redhat. i have read Cerri plan A article and i have done almost all of this. EXcept exposing Om to his command, i attempted to do this but was roadblocked by the Navy and everyone else who has been in the Navy telling me it will do no good. I have LB though with the relationship talk and letting my anger get out of controll at times.
I don't know. Others say she is fence sitting and i need to detach ( i guess plan B) to let her move off the fence one way or the other,but to be prepared to have lost her and do this by doing for myself.
I hate the thought that this might happen.....it literally scares me.
jets

jets,

It is time to think about plan B ... one of the main point in decision to go to plan B if your plan A has no effect. That is after your WW told you that she saw your changes but not enough o make her end A.

-rh-

yeah you and other pretty much echo the same thing. I guess it is just my fear of actually putting it into play....because of the chance that it may not turn out the way i want it too.
I have the letter written and i haven't ofc. given it to her but i have pretty much told her everything that i wrote at one time or another.
jets