Hi All,

I haven't posted for a few days and probably most of you don't know my situation. It's long and complicated (aren't they all?) Anyway, I am in Plan B, living in Montana, while my husband is in CA. I have not called him even once for two weeks (a miracle in itself). He sent flowers for Christmas and called Christmas day to talk to our daughters. He also wanted to speak with me. My daughter gave me the phone, I thanked him for the flowers and he wanted to talk. I just continued to give him monosyllabic answers. He said, "What, you don't want to talk to me?" I told him, "Not really, did you read the letter I left you?" Then he asked me what my problem was. I didn't even answer him.

He has tried to call three or four times this past week. I haven't been home. But, he hasn't tried back either. He left a message only once-- on New Year's Eve. I haven't returned the call. Now, I find out he is angry because I haven't called him. He has told a mutual friend that he feels like I don't care and he is angry. Is this a good sign or am I just giving him added justification to continue his R with OW?

Last night was extremely difficult. My 5 year old D was crying and wanting to talk to her daddy. She is very much a daddy's girl and this has been very hard on her. Should I let her call him or wait for him to call? I actually did let her try to call him last night, but surprize, surprize, he wasn't home. She left him a message, but he hasn't returned the call. Now I wonder if he's being spiteful or what. It's so hard to know what to do, especially because I know if my D talks to him, he will want to talk to me and I don't know if I am strong enough to say no.

NYE was terrible, it is the first one in 14 years that I didn't spend with my husband. I was extremely depressed, but thankfully I was at church with people who know the situation and are very understanding. It helped a lot.

I am trying to stay dark, am I doing this correctly or not? I feel so lost right now and I just want to go home. Other times I am so angry I want to just file for divorce and get it over with. This really sucks big time.

WH did call my mother on NYE also and let her know that he paid the rent on our apartment (he apparently thinks I am bluffing). He wished her a Happy New Year and told her he really wants to re-establish our marriage and work on our problems. The problem is that I've heard it all before. I really need more than lip service.

I am just playing it day by day. I know I should have a better plan, but I am doing the best I can right now. Can anybody help me? I don't even know what I am looking for right now.

Thank you all. This site has been so helpful.

My story

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: SuSutimes2 ]</small>

Stay dark. Read LibbyAnne's thread for inspiration. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said, "What, you don't want to talk to me?" I told him, "Not really, did you read the letter I left you?" Then he asked me what my problem was. I didn't even answer him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Next time this happens, I suggest you simply say: "The reasons for my decision to distance myself from you were explained in my letter. Until you change your distancing from our family, nothing will change."

WAT

Thanks WAT,

WH called this evening and talked with my 5 year old. 12 year old D would not speak with him. She is tired of his lies too. She does a better Plan B than I do. Then WH wanted to talk to me. I was afraid of this, I knew I would be weak. So of course, I wanted to see what he had to say. And as expected, all he would say is, "Come home." I asked him, "Why should I come back and be one of two women?" He told me that I wouldn't be. I just said, Yeah right, I've heard that one before. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and told him I wasn't leaving here. DD told him she starts school tomorrow too. I think that shocked him a bit, because like I said on the earlier post, he thinks I am bluffing and will be back in a couple of days. I told him I would not tolerate being the glorified nanny while he is out playing boyfriend to his OW. So, I am staying here. He became angry and then sad (he swung back and forth between the two emotions during the whole phone call). I feel stupid for even talking to him.

I am really terrible at both Plan A and Plan B apparently. For some stupid reason I think I received a double share of emotional reaction genes. I have always been the one in my family that "feels" things more intensely and reacts more visibly. I am extremely transparent. I have a very hard time acting contrary to what I feel. WH told me that is what he likes about OW, she is always smiling and laughing. I made the comment that if he treated her the way he treats me, she wouldn't be as smiley or jolly. And consequently, if he treated me as well as he treats her, I probably would have lots of reasons to smile and laugh again. I think this point was lost on him.

Anyway, thank you for listening. If anyone has any suggestions (other than a total lobotomy) please let me hear them. Or 2X4's or anything, geez I think I am getting desperate for communication. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Su,

Ask your Ws what actions can he guarantee to you and your family to make it safe for you all to go to CA?

I know he was suppose to read the letter but he isn't budging and is trying to let your curiosity kill your fight. Don't let him get that advantage. Just be smarter at asking for the same info from a different angle.

Instead of using highly emotional words, use words like: safe, caring, loyalty, etc.

Let your 5 year old call him as much as she wants. Let her even rwrite a letter or draw her daddy a picture. My son did this at 6 years old. It hit his dad right between the eyes but not enough to stop the A at that time. But he did return home with the letter still with him.

L.

Hi Orchid,

Thanks for the reply. I actually did ask WH what he can do to guarantee it is safe for me and the girls to come back. He couldn't give me any good answer. He got angry and told me, "Just stay there, then!" I basically said, no problem. He called and spoke with 5 year old D tonight, 12 year old still won't speak to him.

I just spoke with our friend who is very close to both WH and myself. He told me that WH is very depressed and he thought probably within 2 weeks WH will either dump OW or come to Montana, or both. I told our friend that I registered the 5 year old in school and looked at a house today. He thought that was a good thing. I just don't know what to believe anymore though. I know that our friend wouldn't purposely lie to me, but he has been taken in before by WH's lies. He is an optimist and wants to see the best in everyone.

My mother also feels that WH is making some changes. And my mother is his worst critic lately. She wasn't always. My family has always loved and supported WH. He just has burned a lot of bridges. My mother has been visiting him and speaking with him a little. Do you think that is a wise idea? She does it on her own, not because I have asked her to or because I want her to tell him something. Sometimes that is very scary for me.

Again, if anyone has any advice, please let me know what you think. Thank you. I feel so selfish asking for help when there are so many people on this forum who need help. Hopefully someday I will be in more of a position to offer help rather than ask for it. I truly appreciate those of you who have been through this and come back to help those of us who are just beginning the fight. Your advice and caring really make a difference.

Su,

His anger shows he wanted you back for his selfish reasons, not in the family's interest. It is good your mom is willing to see him and see some good in him.

Now he has given you permission of sorts to stay in MOntana. If you are comfortable with that, then stay there. Let him swim in his A swill himself.

The distance will lessen your pain.

Then sit back and watch the A die. Wouldn't that be great? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.