I need some advice about contacting my WH. At this point, he was been AWOL since Thursday. He has gone completely dark on us. He didn't call at New Years or to tell our oldest son goodbye before he went back to school. He completely missed his "date" with his daughter yesterday to go to a basketball game. He hasn't called. He hasn't come over. He hasn't emailed. FIL has been trying to reach him. There has been no contact whatsoever. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

To be honest, I haven't even tried to contact WH. I've felt all weekend that he should be the one doing the contacting. I didn't want to be viewed as needy or enabling. It feels more sane to me to let him initiate things. The alternatives would be repeatedly calling his phones and trying to drive by his apartment or OW's house. I will not do those things.

On to Monday morning. My son is feeling anxious about where his dad is and wants to call. Daughter says she couldn't care if her dad called or not. However, there are some financial isses that WH and I need to deal with. We had both agreed we would work through money issues together. Well, bills don't stop for anybody.

Is my not contacting WH good or bad for a Plan A? I really don't want to call him because he's 'way evasive about that. He seems more comfortable with email. If I was to attempt contact, I'd send an email to his work that briefly says, We had a nice New Years. DS got back to school safely. The basketball game was fun. And then ask a few questions, make a few comments about our financial things. I'd also like to know if he's going to show up for MC tomorrow and to some kid stuff happening this week.

Good or bad? Stay dark or reach out with contact? I have no problem making unilateral financial things but don't want to break the spirit of our agreement. That seems like a Plan A thing. I could use some input. I'll take the "sour" with the sweet, if you know what I mean. I find the gray areas confusing.

Carol...Since we are almost running a parallel forgive me as I put in my two cents. Do not call or email. He went dark for reasons of his own, with no thought of the impact on you or the kids.
If your son is worried, let him call his Dad. Lately when my kids say..."whats Dad doing today?" or "Is Dad going to the gym?" or even when they get upset, I tell them "CALL your Dad".
I starting to get upset that I am the one to answer all their questions, and he is clueless to the problems he has created. I don't think this is using the kids because I don't use them to relay messages, etc. Just want them to address their issues with him...with him!!

As for the finances, if it can wait a few days let it wait. If not you might want to send an email stating you need him to contact you in regards to xyz. Do not fill in the space with other info about Christmas and the kids. If you give him that he has no reason to contact you. Let him contact you.

I am so glad I am telling you this, because when I do am actually convincing myself that this is what I need to do to. It is always easier to tell someone else how to run their lives. I hope you don't mind that I am using you as the proverbial reflecting mirror. If you read some of TQT's posts he is going through some of the same stuff. Is this Plan A or Plan B or something else?

PLAN A is about meeting your H's Primary ENs and not LBing. It is not about allowing him to shirk his responsibilities. I would recommend that you go ahead and make any financial decisions unilaterally if necessary. If you really need to contact him to assist you in caring for the needs of your children, do so.

It will helpful to you although hurtful to face the fact that he is having an A. All that matters to him is having as much time with her as possible, getting his drug fix. He does not care about fulfilling his family responsibilities while in this drug state. As long as you will do it fine. He has some rationalization that he is giving to himself. This is the same BS rationalization that he will give the counselor tomorrow if he goes to counseling.

Carole, my FWH was in IC. One Friday he left counseling and spent the next 3 whole days with the OW. The counselor didn't have a clue. She thought that she was helping him with his ISSUES. Meanwhile I thought that he might have committed suicide since he did not bother to call me at all that whole weekend. Of course, he had his cell phone turned off. He'll show back up when he is ready and finished with his fun time.

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>