Here's a reply I recieved when I posted my situation on the Emotional Needs board...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I think that you should move forward as though your H is having an affair....because he is. Please post on the GQII board and start doing Plan A. There are some great vets there that will help you navigate these rough waters. I'll bet you any amount of money that his interest in this gf is fueling his disinterest in the marriage."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's the story... please help
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have previously posted on here under a different name but here is my situation. My H and I have been married for 7 months. My H is 30, I am 25 and we now have a 2 month old baby girl. My H, in Oct, told me he no longer loves me and was hesitant that our relationship would work out. After 4 sessions with the counselor, my H says our relationship will not workout and us getting married was the biggest mistake he has ever made. He assured me, when we got married, that it was not because of the baby but now it is.

After the baby was born, I had one conversation with him about how he felt. His feelings didn't change and me bringing up the conversation was not a good time since his mother came to visit, for a week, to help with the baby. Since that conversation I longer communicate with him. It was never easy communicating with him before and everytime I tried it was always the wrong time.

Also during that conversation I brought up the fact that I saw his cell phone bill and noticed his ex-gf's number. He would talk to her and erase the dialed/missed call from his phone. I asked if he still had feedings for her, he said "I still think about her." I have not checked his phone since then. Right after Christmas I noticed the ex-gf called 2 times when my H didn't have his phone w/him... I was curious, so I looked to see if there was any communication between the 2 of them. She left him 2 text msg and called 3 times in 1 day. Why was she so pressed to talk to him? It seems as if this ex-gf has an effect on him. Her parents are divorced making my H think that our baby will be fine if we are separated. Who knows what else she is saying. Is this something I should be worried about? I want to call her, should I (since my H won't say much)?
We live together like we are an old married couple. I don't communicate with him so we don't argue and he never communicates with me. He seems fine with our situation but I'm fed up. I'm trying to come up with a plan on my own and also started seeing a counselor by myself. I'm mad that he does not want to work on our marriage yet he wants to have the best life for our baby. What should I do next? See if he will continue counseling? My thoughts are to have him move out and figure out what he wants with his ex-gf. Then i'll struggle to take care of the baby and work full time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that you should move forward as though your H is having an affair....because he is</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is that how I should see it? If so, can someone guide me with Plan A?

Just curious ... what does your handle means, is it Tagalog or Malay ?

Here for you to read then come back here for more questions. cerri’s take on plan A
-rh-

Thanks redhat for the reply. The site is very helpful to plan my strategy. I'm sure I'll have more questions after reading up on Plan A. But if anyone has anymore input, i'd really appreciate it.

BTW, the display name is tagalog and means "I love you."

Hey, that is a usefull word that I could use that to tell pinay :-P. There are plenty of 'em here.

Now go together with plan A is exposure. That is meeting with OW. If you could hold your temper & anger, meet with her or at least give the OW a ring. Tell her as a woman to stay away from your M.

Don't kick him out unless you are ready to go to plan B.

Also I would like you to test this 180 degrees and see if it works. Try one or two and see if he chases you. If he does you could to do full 180 degrees.

180 taken from other poster ...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Strangely 180 degrees usually very effective against men.

-rh-

These are good. I will try some although I think I already have.

One questions... should I confront my H before I confront her? I'm not exactly sure what is going on between them. I know they talk to each other often and around Christmas time is when I noticed she was trying deperately for talk to my H. She called 3 times and 1 text msg in one day. I know my H did not call her back because he was with me. However, he did find time when I was in the shower. I know my H will say it is nothing but I want to ask her why she desperate to talk to my H.

What should I do first?

mahal kita JW,

I prefer you to focus on plan A, snoop and get a solid prove.

-rh-

Okay, I will do more snooping. I know he'll be upset when I tell him I checked his cell phone again. But he's learned to talk to the OW and email her when he's at work. So I don't know what else I can find. My H was out of work for 2 wks so I guess that's why she called and text his cell phone. If I can't find anything else should I go ahead and confront the OW or my H?

As far as the 180 test... I've been doing most of these for almost 2 months now. Not all right away but as of the last month there have been only 1 or 2 items I haven't done, like buying gifts (because of the holidays). My H has become more distant and shows no more affection. We just live together and take care of all our responsibilities together. I don't think the two of us seeing each other,at home, all the time will make our relationship better and asking him to stay with friends seems like the only option.

I'd like to say something quickly about 180 techniques, if I may. It can be effective when implemented properly. Reading the book Divorce Remedy would be best before 180'ing. Many people feel 180 goes against MB but it does not if it's implemented correctly.

Don't follow that list literally. The idea is to change your behavoir ONLY if what you're doing isn't working.

*editing to add*

For example...if you've always been distant or "cool" with your spouse...you may want to consider a little flattery and pursuing as a change of behavoir. But if you're always pursuing, back off.

180 is about--a change in your behavoir necessarily causes a change of behavoir in those around you. It's also important to understand that if your particular 180 is causing NEGATIVE results, then cease immediately. If it seems that your spouse's behavoir does not change when yours does, keep doing it for a little bit...give it time. If it doesn't work after a reasonable amount of time, then you try something else. A journal is important here. Davis calls it a "solution journal", I think. It helps to track baby-steps.

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

Thanks for the comments maddyk.

What i've been doing the last month definitely has not been working. I wasn't sure how to handle our situation and only knew to back off completely. Until our last talk in Nov., I always pursued and after the talk decided to stop.

When I first found out how he really felt (end of Sept) I started to work on myself, we went to counseling and I tried many things to work on us. While I was still pregnant, he tended to my needs and I to his. I held myself from starting any arguements, however, I kept pursuing. Maybe I gave up to easily?! We haven't gone to see the counselor since the baby came in Nov., I know we should go but I'm afraid to have a talk with him.

Where should I go from here? Please help.

mahal kita JW,

Continue counseling even you have to go by yourself. You could turn MC to IC if he is not going.

Now have you identified his 5 top ENs and LBs ?. If you have not then you should use the questionairs to guess it. Stop R talk unless he is starting it. Try to have him to get closer to the baby.

About exposure, I would meet w/ exGF of him and just ask her point blank (if you could hold your anger/temper). Bring your baby too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Definitly you should not ask him to move out unless you have done plan A and ready to go to plan B. It is hard to plan A from far, by asking moved out it makes it easier for him to continue A (if there is one).

-rh-

rh,
I am continuing IC and I will ask him one more time if he will come with me to see the MC.

With the exGF, I will have to get enough guts to call her. She is not in the area at the time. I hope I know what to say to make it an effective conversation. I wait to call until my InLaws leave which is next week.

As far as my H's ENs and LBs... I can't say anymore. I think I've eliminated most of the LBs. We discussed this with the MC and he couldn't think of anything(that was because I was working on eliminating any LBs). The ENs... I wish I knew. He's not affectionate with me and I've tried to be affectionate with him but no luck. I only take care of the finances and help with the baby. He is becoming attached to her and is very responsible when taking care of her.

Print The Emotional Needs Questionair and fill it up as if he answers it for you. You don't need to be acurate in the ranking but you need to get the top 5 and do 'em all.

The attachment to the baby is good. Make sure he has a lot of kodak moments with her.

-rh-

Mahal Kita - (sp)

I just did one of those 180 things, certainly not knowing it was actually something I should be doing - but needed a change here asap.

I had been calling and messaging my H almost constantly. Him hardly calling me at all. I left a very nice message and went black for two days. After getting my nerve up last night, I checked my cell phone. there were 3 messages from him !!! What good news.

Granted the phone call I finally did make to him did not go as well as I had hoped. He kept telling me to talk softer. Like what ?? You should know by now I talk loud. Who are you talking to ?? But tried to control my thoughts about it. I do feel much better about backing off a bit. Made him think about me while he is gone. Which is all the time, BTW. He is a OTR driver, which i hate.

Try one at least one of those 180 ideas. It sure worked for me.

Car

Hi Carnation,

I too, tried the same 180 test w/out knowing. In Dec., I went to visit my parents for and a week and a half since my mom was off from work and would help me with the baby. My H went back to work full-time since he was only working part-time since the baby came. I decided I would not call unless he called. He called to make sure I made it okay and the next time he called was 2 days later. He tried a few times, but I waited till the next day to call him back. So it was nice to know that he was looking for me. The next time I saw him he gave me a kiss and a big hug, which I wasn't expecting.

But now that we are both at work he doesn't call me until he is about to leave work and he no longer sends me random emails thru-out the day. I just think we need some time away from each other. But I think I've figured out some of his EN's and I'll focus on that. Most of them I've already been doing since I found out how he felt.

mahal kita JW & Carnation,

I sugest to reward WH everytime WH doin' something as expected to encourage the behavior. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . This is why you need to know WH's top 5 ENs and the way they like it the most.

-rh-