My WS and I have been separated for 4 months, he has denied having an affair non-stop, I have had tons of reason to think he was having one. I have confronted both of them, and they have both denied it (I only confronted her once, back in September...and she lied to my face)

Now I have cell phone records with all kinds of calls between them back and forth. I don't know how much evidence I need, everytime I present him with something I've found, he explains it away (lamely) and when I took him print outs of his cell phone conversations with this woman, he got all defensive and said why was I getting into that stuff, and that there was NOTHING going on between him and her, they were just talking about his hot rod (that's parked in her garage for the winter) and then he started yelling at me about some text messages that she'd received and said that he was talking to her about that. I did send them, from an anonymous site...I wasn't trying to act like it wasn't me, I just said things like "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" ...things like that. I only sent her 5 of them, and it's been about a month ago now, but he said she showed them to the police and that they said they were threatening--completely untrue...they may have been considered harrassment, but I was in no way threatening. I admitted sending them, and said I didn't give a $hit if she called the police on me...big deal. He said "Caren I have told you a thousand times there is nothing going on and you are going to feel like a dumb a$$ when you find that out." *sigh*

Okay so my question is....is this enough proof to go forward with my Plan B?? I don't know what the hell to do. I am so depressed that I was actually hospitalized over the weekend with thoughts of suicide (AGAIN) I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. I love him, he's the only man I'll ever love. But what rips it for me is....while he had our daughter, and I was in the hospital being treated for my suicidal thoughts he freakin called her on his cell...grrrrrr. Hello, why on earth would he have to call her about this if they were just "friends".

Is this enough evidence, or should I go the P.I. route and get pictures...etc?!

I sort of want to get Plan B underway, because this girl has no idea what she's in for. He's living in our house...the water has been shut off for non-payment for 2 months (can't even flush the toilet)he's not going to be able to pay his gas bill (300ish dollars)...she is the manager of a shop 2 doors down from where he works, she just bought a house, pays all her bills, etc....I think that my WS is going to get old real dang quick when their affair is exposed to the light of day.....so input please...do I have enough evidence??? I don't know what the heck to do.


This is becoming physically painful for me, I can't sleep at all, and I'm in so much pain I think of suicide just to make it stop (no plan or anything....I just want it to stop hurting. I just want my life back.

I feel confident that the history I have on my side will win out over this affair, and he is still very jealous of the things I do, and doesn't want me moving on......no papers have been filed (but I told him I'd contest). I'm just afraid to wait much longer...I want to blow this thing out of the water.
-Caren

My thoughts about what you are sharing with us.

You are too focused on him. So focused that you are desperately trying to figure it all out and you are beside yourself with emotion.

You need to go to a plan B to take your tunnel vision away from him and look to your own future.

The suicidal thoughts, the trying to get the goods on him are connected to each other.

He might be cheating on you. He might not (let's say so for the potential that he is being truthful about that....how ever remote you feel it is)

It doesn't matter at this juncture in your emotional life. You feel he is cheating. Truth or not. You are living that reality.

Take a plan B break, not to teach him a lesson or get him to come clean with the truth if you've been right about it. Take a plan B break to develop a future for yourself. Yourself. You. As in.....you can have a beautiful future whatever is thrown to you by others.

This will be key in getting your balance back and seeing how you are worthy of all good things in life (health, happiness, passion about things)

Do not let your focus stray back to what your H is up to and trying to figure it out.

Time will tell and when you are stronger you can see how he will fit in your life or not. Take back your power. Take back your self focus. You can not force anyone else to do what you want them to do. You can aim for controling yourself.

Plan B is going dark over a marriage and if that is what you need to control your emotions and aim them in a positive direction.....you should.

HTH and take care of yourself!

I don't know why someone smarter than me hasn't answered you. But I will do my best.

1. Are you under a doctor's care?

2. Are you taking anti-depressants?
If not, why not?

3. If you are not receiving individual counseling and seeing a doctor, do so immediately. Call now.

Did you call? I will wait .............


Ok, now. Have you read this site? Have you read the articles on the site? Do that first. At the same time, order the book "Surviving An Affair". If you can't find it, click on Bookstore at the top of the page. If you can't afford it, try the local library. Get it this afternoon and begin reading it immediately.

There are emotional affairs and physical affairs. He may think he is not having an affair because it is not physical (yet.) It is probably an affair. If it walks like a duck .... you've heard that before, I'm sure.

I personally hired a PI to help me gather information. Mine charged about $20 an hour and I have definitely gotten my money's worth. If, after more study and spying, you discover that it is indeed an affair, you must expose. This is spelled out in the books and articles.

Continue posting here and people will help as much as possible. They will answer questions and emotionally support you. However, only a professional should give you advice. Of course, you now have two appointments already, don't you? Don't you?

After you have dealt with your health issues and suicidal thoughts, you might want to advance to marriage counseling or coaching. There are two good ones available on this site - Steve and Jennifer. Click on the counseling button at the top of the page. You can make an appointment. But I believe you need individual help before you can tackle your marriage. Take care of yourself first, then worry about the other.

Now, what day and time is your appointment with the doctor to talk about antidepressants?

What day and time is your first appointment with a counselor?

Yes, I am pushy. Your life is at stake.

CarenMc,
I feel the same way! Each day at some point, I don't want to continue on! Sometimes it lasts for days on end. I've been going through this since Sept!!!! I woke up so emotionally drained the other day. I didn't have it in me to even cry. Then I got physically sick. That just about sent me over the edge again. I hurts so bad. I can't believe the woman I love did this to me. Did this to our family.
I can't believe that even after I knew, she kept calling OM. And god (and them knows what else)?

I don't know how I do it day to day. I can't stop thinking about this. It dominates my life.

There is nothing else that matters! How sad I've become.
I do get up in the morning. I do goto bed at night. I do smile at some point most every day.
Even to myself about a small thing.
The other day....as bad as I felt...I saw a double rainbow. Bright as they get. Sounds pretty corny. But, that made me smile.

I know I have a BOAT LOAD of rough days ahead. That is hell to even think of.

I would like to offer advice about what to do with your WH... I guess, I figure till I make my marriage work....who am I to say...

We'll all find the right answer sooner or later. I'm sure inside you there is an answer. Just like there is in me.

Listen to Starz.....

she has good points and her numbers 1,2,3 for you to accomplish are totally right on the mark!!!!

Caren,

Me thinks you have some personal issues that c/b relating to low self esteem that need some tweaking, eh?

The feelings of anxiety and worthlessness are common to the BS and even WS when dealing with the A. The fact that your H is also being irresponsible.

Now think about it..... is this your idea of a M? Being married to someone who is irresponsible? OR do you want t/b married to an H who cares for his family and makes them his priority even over himself? One who keeps a balanced lifestyle for all of his family, is a good provider, lover and partner for life?

You deserve more than he is right now. YOu should not settle for less than your family deserves.

Post back when you can. Do you have a good MC working with you? What follow up program did the doctors put you on? Any meds?

L.

Okay...here is the deal. First, see a doctor and see about some AD meds. It will help smooth things out.

Next, let's say that your husband is not having an affair with this gal (highly unlikely). The fact that he dismisses your pain and concerns is still a HUGE problem. So, Plan B is in order, even if there is not an affair. This man is not treating you right.

But, I am of the mind (as those that know my story can attest) that it is always good to do some snooping and know the truth. So, get the truth. If they are having a PA, then you need to figure out when that is possible. What time of day, what days of the week. Be quiet, dont let on that you are even suspicious anymore. Just try to figure out when they would have the chance to be together.

Then, you can purchase online many "gadgets" online that will help you. A GPS tracker for his car (easy to install, and some even link to your computer so you can go online and see where his car is at all times). There are also recording devices. Now remember, most of this is not admissable in court. But that isnt why you do it. You do it so that you can find out the truth. Once you have the truth,then you can save yourself a lot of money on a PI by giving him information on the likely times they are together, etc. That way he doesnt waste his time waiting around (which costs you more money!!).

So, get the goods. Stop accusing. Unless you have irrefutable proof, then just remain quiet and amass your intel. Eventually, they will mess up and then you can catch them. They ALWAYS do.

Now, while that is going on (and you will need that stuff for a divorce, if it gets that far), you need to prepare for Plan B. Has he moved out? If not, you need to understand what it will take to get apart from him. Get your letter ready. Get your finances in order. Get friends and family to prepare to help you (but do not let on to anyone what you are doing, unless they can absolutely be trusted).

While you are doing all of this (and it may take several weeks to do this), then you just do all the things you would normally do around him. Be yourself. Fulfill his ENs. When you do go to Plan B, the last thing he should remember is how great you are...not the vengeful, mad betrayed wife.

You see, THAT is what Plan A is for. It isnt being a doormat. It is getting your stuff together. It is preparing for him to come home to you. And should that not happen, it is preparing to go dark (Plan B) and protecting yourself and your love for him.

Plan A is really the preparation for Plan B. Get some meds. But the best med you can have is to get busy. If you do this right, you will have very little time to feel sorry for yourself or be mad. That is because you will be so busy getting the information on him...busy getting yourself better...busy getting all your stuff in order...getting busy preparing yourself for Plan B...getting busy meeting your husband's ENs...that you will have little time to sit around and moan about this.

Then, and only then...once all of this has been done...you will have time to think. And it will be at that time, that you go to Plan B!!

I am the Plan B Czar!! I love it. Sure it was hard. But it works. Plan B is power for the BS. But Plan B doesnt work without Plan A. And Plan A isnt JUST meeting the WSs needs. It is preparing your life for what lies ahead. Either he comes home and you have a lot of work to do on your marriage. Or you have to go to Plan B...and you have a lot of work to do on your marriage.

Your husband has no plan...you do. Concentrate on that.

In His arms.

Okay, I'll try to answer all the questions I was asked.

Am I seeing a doctor, yes. Am I on an anti-depressant, yes also. I'm on zoloft 150 mg a day (for the last 2 1/2 - 3 months) it's not working, and everytime I go back they don't change it, they just give me more of the same. I am also on Xanax for anxiety.

Am I seeing a counselor? I was, I was seeing a counselor with my companies employee assistance program, but you only get 6 visits with them, I had one appointment with another counselor, but didn't like him.

I was seen at a suicide crisis center, and kept overnight on New Years Day. I saw a psychiatrist yesterday at the crisis center. The imparitve question that they all have for me everyday is "Do you feel like hurting yourself right now? Do you feel like hurting anyone else?" My reply is always "Right now? No." On Saturday I couldn't answer that way, I didn't have a set plan but the pain was too much to take, I was overwhelmed and I knew it, I called my parents and they took me to the center. The people there are apparently far worse off than I was because they were being dragged into the place kicking and screaming in handcuffs, by the police--had to be restrained in the bed/sedated.

I talked to my Pastor that night. That helped some. Today, I again feel terrible, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist, as I was instructed to do and I can't get in until February 9th. I don't sleep at all. I have slept a total of about 6 hours in the last 5 days, and that was when they gave me sleeping pills at the suicide center. I can't sleep....I can't stop thinking long enough. I can't eat, again, in the last 5 days I've had 2 pieces of toast, 2 bowls of cereal and some eggs (the eggs and cereal were also at the suicide center).

Do I want to be with a H that is so irresponsible? Yes, I can't help it, he's usually not this way and it's kickin' my a$$ that he's being this way to me now. What began my downward spiral this holiday weekend was me "pretending" I was going out for New Years Eve (so my H would think I have a life) I had planned on going somewhere, but when it came down to it, I didn't feel that I could control myself if I started drinking, and I just never informed him the plans had changed. I stopped over at his house New Years Eve about 7 pm, because he gives me $25 a week to help me (It's not much--but neither of us makes very much money). When I got there he only wanted to give me $5, he said he couldn't afford anymore because of the shut off notice on the gas, I told him I needed the whole $25 anyway (he was really just trying to stop me from going out...if I had no money, I couldn't go). I asked him where he had planned on going so I wouldn't run into him and have a big scene caused, he said "Don't worry about it, I'm not going out around here...I won't run into you" I said "Okay" and I left about 7:15 pm. I went to my mothers to pick up the kids and talked to a male friend of mine who is also having marital problems--his wife is blatantly cheating etc--I talked to him for about an hour and a 1/2 then I went to pick my 19 year old daughter up from work, I made it home about 9:15ish, my H had called at 7:30...left this message "Called to talk to Brook, you must have pawned her off really quick so you could get out of there...okay, bye" He called again at 8:45 no message. My daughter returned his call when we got home. He said "Is Mommy getting ready to go out?" she said "I guess" she asked "Daddy can I call you at Midnight and tell you happy new year?" He said "Yes" he talked to her a few more minutes and then got off the phone with her. He called back at 10:30 and my daughter answered. Again he wanted to know "Had I left yet? etc..." She said "No she hasn't gone anywhere yet." We sat around and watched TV, I ordered her a pizza and around 11:50 we changed the channel to "New Years Rockin' Eve" and watched the ball drop. I called her from my cell phone (I was on the couch) and told her Happy new year (She was giggling that I was calling from 3 feet away to tell her) so that when her Dad asked if I had called to tell her Happy NY at midnight she could say yes and not be lying. She called him at Midnight and he told her Happy new year. I don't remember who called who at 12:30 am but they spoke again and he said "So did your Mom call and tell you Happy New Year?" She said "Yes" He said "Was she at a bar?" She said "I don't know..." He said "Was there loud music playing?" she said "No" I can't even believe that everytime she called him he was at home...I assumed he wanted her to call his cell phone, but everytime she talked to him all night long he was at home.....now I start obsessing...."is he home alone?" "Is she there?"...so I have to get in my car and drive by there and see that the lights are on, but only his car is in the driveway. I drive past her house and see that her car is in her driveway and she has company parked behind her. For some reason to me this is worse than him being with her on New Years.....he's alone. It's better to be alone in a house with no one there...no water, etc....than to be with me" I return home and put my daughter to bed, I send him a text message that says "Happy new year, I love you" -- no reply. I waited for about a 1/2 hour and called his house, he was in bed, he answered. I said "Happy new year..." He said "Yeah, happy new year" He said "You have fun? I said "No not really" He said "Well why not?" I said "I don't know, it wasn't as much fun as I thought'd would be, I would have rather spend New Years Eve with my family" (Every year we'd stay home....I'd make all kinds of snack food, buy the kids a bottle of sparkling grape juice and plastic champagne cups) and we'd watch the ball drop, we'd toast at midnight and I'd have the man I loved there to kiss me at the stroke of 12)...I'm sure he knew that's what I meant. He said "Well, I'm tired, I've been here all night setting off fireworks and drinking...I'm gonna go to sleep" I said "Okay...well Happy new year again" He said "Happy new year".

Now I'm laying in bed freaking out, thinking "My god, was I wrong? Is he not seeing her?? Was he telling the truth that there was nothing going on?....I obsess on this ALL NIGHT LONG. I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking long enough. (Hadn't slept the previous 2 nights either...obsessing about him HAVING an affair) so by New Years Morning I'm in bad shape. I decide to call him about 9:30 am and ask him to come over and talk to me...he was still asleep, so I said "I'm sorry, just call me when you wake up" He called me about 45 minutes later, and I ask him if he would come over today and talk to me. He said "No Caren, I have plans" I said "Please Mark!" He said "No" Then I start crying tell him that I never went out the night before, that I stayed home all night long...I'm hysterical, I'm like "You wanna know what me and your daughter were doing at 1 am?? Driving past your house!!!!" He said "Caren, why?" I said "I don't know....it's not the first time, I do it all the time" He said "Why didn't you stop...I was here" I said "I don't know" You said you were going out...I didn't know what to think....I don't recall the majority of the rest of the conversation...but at some point I'm sobbing and saying "It was better for you to spend New Years Eve all alone in that house than to spend it with me... You'd rather sit in that house with no water...all alone than be with me!!" He said "Not all the time Caren, there are sometimes when I'd like to come home and have you and the kids there" There's nothing really he can say at this point that is going to turn me away from my downward spiral....I'm out of control....I don't know what I said...I know I told him I wanted to kill myself, he got mad, I hung up on him. Wouldn't answer the phone, he called me frantic a million times on the phone begging me to answer the phone.....sometimes I'd pick up, sometimes I wouldn't. Then I called my Mom on my cell phone, crying, telling her "I couldn't take it anymore, that I thought I wanted to kill myself" she made me promise not to do anything before she called me back...she called my H and asked him to call me, that I needed him as a friend, but not to encourage me that we'd get back together..." So long story short, my Mom and Dad came over, took me to the Suicide crisis center.

I didn't sleep again last night...I tried, it just wasn't happening. I talked to my doctor about an hour ago, and asked him to please call me something in so I can sleep....not sleeping magnifies everything I'm feeling times 1000.

I don't want to Plan B before it's time to plan B....I don't see it as just a time for me to focus on myself.....I can't do it if I don't think I'm heading towards my ultimate goal of being back with my husband. No psychiatrist, Doctor, Medication, treatment is going to make me change my mind on that one. I have to know if he's having an affair, expose it and go from there... I HAVE TO....this is my life, my family, I have to do everything I know how to do to make this situation better.

-Caren

Caren,

Do you have an email addy that I could email you at?

You are scaring me bad. I had a nervous breakdown in my late 20's and you are starting to remind me of myself.

Do you think you could go stay at your mom and dad's for a little while? Maybe you are alone too much.

At any rate, stay here and keep talking to us. All night if you need to, okay?

I have to go do somethings and will be back in a little while so stick around the board tonight, okay.

And to answer your question, I don't think now is the time for Plan B. Lets get you together so that we can find out if he is having an affair first of all, get the proof you need. And then you can do a proper Plan A first.

I'm sure between everyone here we can figure out a good plan for you.

Mortarman:

Sorry we must have been posting at the same time.....but yours posted first, so I wanted to tell you that your idea of the plan A/B thing was what I was getting at....I wasn't sure "when" and I wasn't sure if the proof had to be pretty concrete...I thought it should be something he couldn't wiggle out of. The only point I'll disagree with you on is getting ready for the divorce....any intel I would gather would be for my knowledge....so it doesn't matter if any of it's admissable. I will not agree to a divorce under any circumstances...if he files, I'll contest...he knows it. I don't care what his "grounds" are, I'll contest it....even if he gives me everything I would say I wanted something else...I will drag this out as long as humanly possible, I will never agree with it.

My pastor is going to stop by and see if he won't talk to him ..... I don't really know if that's a great idea or not, but he isn't taking no for an answer from me, seeing the shape I'm in. He thinks it's not as bad as I think it is and he thinks that the main problem is he isn't saved, so I guess I'll just see how much trouble I get into for the minister going up to his work.

My husband I are separated, we've been separated for 4 months, I moved out with the kids. I barely make it on my own.....he also barely makes it.

He called me twice today, I was sweet as pie...I seem to get a better reaction from him if I don't sound like death warmed over....The first time he just wanted to see how I was doing, and if our daughter went to school today.

My husband stayed here with the kids while I was in the suicide crisis center. He cleaned the living room, bought me a plant, and hung up my living room pictures that I never bothered to hang.

He's on the phone again now.....asking our daughter how school was, etc. He talked to me, asked me if I was going to make the Bratwurst he bought the night he was here, I said I was going to make it tonight...he said to save him some he was going to stop by tommorrow morning and he'd stay for lunch. I can't pretend that any little crumb I get doesn't make me ecstatic...because as sad as it is I love it. Any little chance to take care of him and ANY of his needs, I'm all over it.

Oh, someone, at sometime told me to get the "surviving an affair" book...I have read it, and checked it out from the library again this week, and will probably re-check it out again...because I don't think I'll be done with it by the time it's due. I have also read "His needs, her needs" but I don't currently have that one.

I do better when I have a plan...when I have some type of goal. Staying aimlessly busy doesn't do it for me.

Thanks again Mortar, you've got me 1/2 way on track again (for the moment).

-Caren

I didn't read Mortarmans post until just now, and then your reply. What a difference it made for you!
Cool.

Still if you want to talk I'ld like your email addy. I can't post mine here because it has my real name in it or I would just give mine to you right now.

Be back later.

Weaver-

Yes, you can e-mail me at:

the_pieces_of_my_broken_heart@yahoo.com

I have to run out to the store, and take my daughter tanning, but I'll definitely be back.

-Caren

Oh, I have my moments Weaver, but yeah, for the first time "today" I seem to be able to pull out of the nose dive....of course it all depends..I'm so unstable it scares the $hit out of me.


-Caren

Ok, I got it Caren.

I'm going to go work out but will email ya later.

Well it's the stability we need to work on first, because you can't implement Plan A well if you can't control your emotions. That is key to Plan A.

Caren, even if you could get hubby to come back right know, you know that you would keep freaking on him until he left, because you are scared. And you would be doubly scared if he was there because you are not ready for him. That too is key I think.

Caren,

Mortarman's suggestions for snooping are excellent. You don't have a lot of money, so if you can do some of the ground work yourself, then get a PI, you might get solid proof.

I think it is fantastic that he was home, alone, and she was at her house on New Year's Eve. I don't for a minute think that you are off the mark -- there is high probability that something was/is going on between them. But they couldn't make time for New Year's Eve together.

Your WH is likely very afraid to tell you anything near the truth -- especially if this turns out to be a PA -- because he doesn't want to put you over the edge. And he has good reason to be concerned.

I think you need to have solid proof. But I also encourage you to think ahead of time about what your reaction will be. Whether he tells you himself, or you go to all the trouble and expense to hire a PI, having proof of an affair will likely be very hard on you if solid proof is uncovered.

Have a Plan. For instance, if you hire a PI, ask him to call your parents first so they can go with him to show you the evidence he gathers. Your mental state is so fragile, I just worry about you.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

Caren - You need to detach from this whole mess. I can almost guarantee you that he is having an affair. That is the cruelest part of infidelity. The WS will make you feel like it is you and you are crazy, and just keep lying and denying.

My WH had a secret cell phone that he denied, he denied that he took money out of the bank - about $400. a week. I found motel bills for the middle of the day when he was supposed to be at work. I caught them in bed together, and he still denied it. I saw her car at her house day and night for over a year, and he denied they were living together.

I suggest you check with your doctor and get a different medication. Not all anti-D's work for everyone. Also I know about the sleepless nights. Check with your doctor and see if you can use over the counter anti-histamines. One at night works wonders.

Don't tell yourself that your husband is the only one you could ever love. That is simply not true. You must start taking care of yourself. Early on in this nightmare, I made the decision that the only one who was going to take care of me was me.

You have mail Caren.

Weaver:

Don't have any mail hon, it's the_pieces_of_my_broken_heart@yahoo.com

-Caren

Well here's a couple updates. Felt better posting, then tried to access his cell phone account (I do that 50 times a day) and he's changed his password. I was expecting this...I told him I had access to it on 12/24 so it's amazing to me he didn't do it before now...but it kinda got me down. I'm not beaten on that, he underestimates my tech savvy. He comes here and showers almost everyday....leaving his cell phone either in his coat or pants while he's showering....or possibly in his car, I can go on the website, tell it I forget my password, have it text message the phone, retrieve it from the phone, and erase the message, and then not make the mistake of telling him that I have access this time.

But on the upside, he has called me 5 times today. This morning to see if our daughter went to school (no clue why she wouldn't have) and then talked to me for a while, I am trying to be sickeningly pleasant...not fake, just a change from me sounding like I actually feel....I sound like someone told me I have cancer, I'm sure....So anyway, I stayed upbeat and he called back again after our daughter got home, I assumed to talk to her, but he wanted to ask me a question about paying the electric bill....he wanted to know if could pay it at the grocery store, I said I wasn't sure, but that I could call and find out and call him back, so I did, and let him know, I said "You sound aggravated" He said "I am....they are charging me ...blah blah (too much)...." I was like "Well that sucks" So I ended that conversation with him, he called back and talked to our daughter and then wanted to talk to me again....when he called earlier he wanted to know if I had made the bratwurst he bought, I told him I hadn't yet, but that I was going to make it tonight for dinner and asked if he'd like to come over for dinner, he said "Nah" I said "Okay...it's just only Brooklyn and I will eat Brats, so there will be too many" He said "Well freeze some.." I said "That's a good idea" Well then this phone call he wanted to talk to me to tell me he'd be coming to take a shower and to tell me to go ahead and save him some Brats and he'd eat them when he comes over (he loves my cooking), then I was going to the store it's in the same shopping center that he works in, so I told him our daughter wanted to visit...he said that would be fine. Well my 19 year old went in and did the shopping for me, I dropped the little one off at his shop and just parked in the parking lot until they were done shopping, then I pulled up to pick up my youngest at his shop, and he came out before she even did and had a tarantula shed (skin) in his hand...they're so gross, it looks just like the actual spider, fangs and all. I said "What the heck is in your hand?!! Eww is it a tarantula shed? Get it away from me!! (laughing)" He then opened the passenger side door of my car and sat down and was posing the stupid thing on my dash board to scare the girls when they got in the car....I was laughing. I asked him if they'd been busy, he said "Nah..not really, by the way, why did you just sit out here in the car? Why did you come in?" I said "I look all gross I've been cleaning all day, so I just decided not to go in" Then he was playing with the defrost on the car making the spider move around...and a leg flew off....and I scream "Ewww ohhhh gross, was that a leg???(laughing)" He's laughing too, picking the leg up off of the floor, I could smell that he had the cologne on that I'd bought him for Christmas...and I said "You smell good" He said "Do I? I can't smell it", then the girls come out and run around screaming about the spider....then they ran in the chinese restaurant that my oldest daughter was in to tell her that Daddy had a spider skin out there to scare her with" So she comes out complaining about it going "MOM!! Don't let him come near me with that!!" I'm laughing and said "How can I stop him?" he picks up the spider and starts to chase them around....they finally get in the car and we leave, I tell him goodbye.

Then I get home (also had to stop so 19 year old could go tanning), and there are 2 messages on the machine, so I press the play button, and both of the messages are just hang ups on the machine, but it lists the times, so I look at my caller ID.....It was him, both times, the last time at 7:30, so I wasn't sure if he'd called after I'd left his shop, so I called and said "You call me after I left?" He said "Yeah, I wanted you to pick me up some cigarettes" I said "Oh, you called before I got there..." He said "Yeah" I said "Oh okay, I thought maybe you needed something" He said "Nah.." I said "Okay, talk to you later" Then 5 minutes after he got off work the phone rings again, it's him on his cell. I said "Helllloooo" He said "Hey...this is going to sound like the stupidest question I ever asked you, but where is the soap at the grocery store?" I said "Bath soap?" He said "Yeah..." I said "It's in the aisle with the shampoo....it's on the right" He kept me on the phone and said "I don't see it.." I said "are you in the shampoo aisle?" he said "Yeah...oh there it is" then he said "Is that Lever 2000 that you have in the shower?" I said "Yeah" He said "Which one?" I said "Ummm it's the green one, moisture response the scent is fresh aloe I think" then I thought what the heck does he need it for, his water is turned off, I said "you don't have water, what are you gonna do with bath soap?" He said "Oh I buy bottled water" I didn't ask anymore questions...lol, I'm afraid to know. Now it's almost 10 PM he'll be calling to tell the little one goodnight....and we'll see if he wants to talk to me again.

The last several times I've seen him, I've been "sexually suggestive" but he has shut me down, well I guess I'll try again tommorrow, I know that's a major EN for him...I need to look at the list to see what other ones he has that maybe I was overlooking.

You see how my mood is all over the board? It's driving me crazy, I would like to just be on some kind of even keel....everything that happens is life or death, and even though I can tell myself that every little thing isn't deciding my fate, I can't make myself not react...not "feel". I just hope I hide it okay.

-Caren