Explain if you can. I have my own thoughts on the matter.

When you decided to stop your wayward activities and reclaim you marriage how did you treat your BS?

Did you constantly antagonize them? Keep taking them to court? Make demands and try to boss them around? Break your word? Lie?

My STBX has said for about a month that she wanted to reconcile and for everytime she said that she also said she wanted a divorce as soon as possible.

Since the day she first said she wanted to reconcile it has cost me almost $2000 in legal fees. She tried to keep me from seeing the kids at Christmas. Invited me over to the house and then threw me out...again. Refused to give me any Christmas decorations, refused to let me take the kids to church on Sundays. (something she agreed to before and I had been doing).

On the rare occasions that I do see her, it is apparent she doesn't put any effort at all into her appearance. Baggy sweats, old shirts, no makeup or jewelry, undone hair.... (BTW she sports her hair in a new style that she got for OM). Did you demonstrate that lack of effort when you saw you BS.

Did you say you wanted to save your marriage in one breath and then say you wanted to hurry and get a divorce in the next breath. Did you do this daily? (I really mean every day)

Are these the actions of someone who wants to reconcile? Did you harrass and badger your BS when you wanted to reconcile?

I just wanted to get an opinion, because it sure doesn't seem that is how a person would act. I know that before I was thrown out of my own home that I tried to do everything right, and avoid LB's and bad habits.

I have told her to post here to get support and guidance. She calls this place Marriage Busters. She thinks this site is destroying our marriage.

I don't want you to misunderstand .... I am not looking for excuses for her behavior ...
I wish it would change, whether there is reconciliation or not.

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> On the rare occasions that I do see her she, it is apparent she doesn't put any effort at all into her appearance. Baggy sweats, old shirts, no makeup or jewelry, undone hair.... (BTW she sports her hair in a new style that she got for OM).

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TJ, is it possible she is depressed? That could explain the up and down you are getting from her. Doesn't excuse her behavior but may help explain. Is she getting any counseling?

FF,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't excuse her behavior but may help explain. Is she getting any counseling? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not yet, but she said she would... but she's said lots of things and then changed her mind when it suited her.

I think she needs it. What worries me is that ... maybe, just maybe, she really wants to work on something but is incapable of doing it in her current mental condition. But the problem is I've been burned so much by her that I really am not sure with her see-saw behavior for the time it takes her to straighten out. And then of course, I think she is waiting for OM to come back. I can't trust her provisions for NC because she has demonstrated that she will change her mind at the drop of a hat. Literally.

IMHO:

Those are the actions of a person who is fence sitting. She wants to have you and the A at the same time, and then she wants to make-up her mind at some indefinite time in the future..

She is coming out of the fog and she doesn't like what she sees. Her life is about to dramtically change and she can't handle it.

Of course she doesn't like this site. FWSs and FBSs here are not particularly sympathetic. And, the site presents As as they are rather than the distorted fairy tale that WSs (and some BSs) believe they are.

Hi Tom!!!

It sounds to me like she is severely depressed. I have depression and when it gets really bad I don’t care about how I look, work, my hubby, everything. It’s an absolute horrible feeling. All I have to say is thank goodness for Zoloft!

From my own experience I can tell you that I didn’t act hostile towards my husband. I was detached at times, yes – definitely in withdrawal but I didn’t take it out on him.

I think I mentioned before on finallylearnings thread that I wanted to separate for a while because I thought it would spare my husband from any pain but in reality that just would have caused us more heartache and I fear I would have been back in the arms of the OM.

I think she is definitely fence sitting. She is seeing the OM for what he is, yet if she lets go of him then I would imagine that would make her feel worse. Everyone saying, “I told you so.” It’s a sad day indeed when you realize that all the damage you have done to yourself and your family was really not worth it, was not real love after all.

I still struggle with that as I am sure other FWS’s do as well. It’s not a pleasant thing to own up to but once a person does, then I think the healing can begin.

Maybe she is getting to that point? I hope so, even if you don’t get back together she can at least get to a point where she can forgive herself and move on knowing that she did own up to her mistakes and hopefully she will have learned from them.

Carol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{Did you constantly antagonize them? Keep taking them to court? Make demands and try to boss them around? Break your word? Lie?}}

Nope, I did this during the A though, (cept for the court part) it was even worse during the times that OM and I were having one of our many 'down times'....When I had decided to give up the OM and commit myself to saving my marriage, I concentrated really hard on making my H feel secure and tried to show him how much I appreciated him. I let him love me, something I didn't do while in the A. I tried to be the best wife I could to make up for the years of decieving him. Sometimes during withdrawal, I had to fake it,,,but eventually I made it.

Anyway TJ, I still think your WW has mental issues, but more than that I think that having had her 'freedom' to be with OM may have lost it's luster,,sounds like maybe the OM is brushing her off (which tends to happen when the A becomes too 'real')...having her past selfish and cruel behavior towards you to go by, I think she is torn between wanting the life you provided for her back and maybe waiting around for the OM to come on back around...

either way, I think you might want to distance yourself from her whacky ways, while keeping an eye on her mental state for the safety of your kids...she seems to be pulling you back in just because she can...

Have you ever suggested to her that she may need an evaluation for depression or some type of help from a doctor?

tom, you have read my recent post of how i told my H i wanted a divorce. so, obviously i have been guilty of doing the flip flop routine. but that is the first time i have done that since i first confessed to him back in march. and i don't really want a divorce, i just want both of us to be out of all this turmoil. i don't feel strong enough to see it all thru and i doubt if in the end i'm even worth the effort.

(hi dc, you have mail.)

Carol, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I think she is fence sitting too. She said things to make me think she is just waiting for OM to be more available. Afterall, as she puts it... He is a good man. But they are "just friends."

Jimmy,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course she doesn't like this site. FWSs and FBSs here are not particularly sympathetic. And, the site presents As as they are rather than the distorted fairy tale that WSs (and some BSs) believe they are.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess that is it. She still wants to feel justified and blame me for everything.


DC, Glad you visited. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
Well she hasn't done any of the things you describe that you did. She has been on meds for a long time (maybe 10 years), but no therapy for it. Makes me mad that I didn't pay more attention to it before. Her Dr. just kept prescribing meds with no treatment plan. Oh yeah, she did (jokingly)prescribe a trip to Vegas to meet with OM. Can you imagine a Dr. like that ... enabling her Affair? Dr. said she would feel better in Vegas.

OM is traveling alot now and not readily available for contact, so that is why I am skeptical about her comittment. It is easy to have NC when there is no opportunity to contact each other. But when he is back, well, just another opportunity for my STBX to change her mind.

I am sad for her. Does she think her constant abuse is making her attractive to me? She has done nothing and has made no effort to learn anything about how to put it all together. As I said this place is "Marriage Busters" to her.

FL,
If you checked your post I had to confess to an angry outburst of my own. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I know you don't want a Divorce, but do you constantly cause your FH problems and pain? Do you do it on purpose? That is what my STBX does. Every day, every hour matters, and she tosses the days away. I don't think she realizes how terrible this is. Or maybe she does...? Maybe she can't control it, or maybe she doesn't care... But I am very much weary of it all. She doesn't even look of help.

I am comfortable where I am. I just don't get her bizarre behavior.

She's still fogged and into herself. Until she lets go of that, she is going to continue with her pi$$ing and moaning about Marriage Builders, your marriage and life together.

Until she really wants to return to you, she is going to continue to put herself first.

Like someone said earlier - stay away from her whacky ways. Hmmm - waywards whacky ways, that should be a new term here! LOL!

Anyway, you just keep taking care of yourself and your family. You have been through so much, you yourself need to take some time to recover.

Tom,

yes, i did see your post in my thread about your outburst. although losing ones temper and saying something that you really don't believe you should ever say is never good, i think you were justified. i was not.

i am very sorry for the pain you are going thru. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />