Tomorrow night is our 2nd visit to the MC and I am nervous. Last time, we did not really discuss the betrayal and afterward my H was mad at me for it. I told him if he wants to bring something up he should.

I am nervous bc we have not talked about the B in 2 days (I haven't seen him for 2 days due to work schedules) and it is difficult to discuss this while at work (no privacy).

My husband wants an answer to why I had the ONS before we were married but engaged, why I didn't tell him for 5 years and why did I tell him a month ago. I am coming to understand why I told him recently but am not sure about the 1st question and how to answer it w/o hurting him more.

I don't want the C to become the only place we discuss thngs but I also feel that there are other things to talk about - which is probably insensitive.

Just need some comments back...thanks... : )

Hi kampm,

I went back and read your other posts.

If I were you,I would let your counselor guide you to where and what you shuld be talking about right now,that is,if he/she is good.When people are terribly hurt as in the case of an A,I believe there is a tremendous breakdown in the communication of the spouses(obviously) and then it becomes important to know how to have a constructive dialogue again.You could both easily keep hurting each other if you do not have a plan of how to broach certain subjects at the right times.Right now,counseling is the best place to ask how you should go about this.That is what I did anyway in my very brief time in couseling with my WH.I even asked this because I was worried that all we would talk about was his feelings for the homewrecker and I was not ready for that nor did I think it was really necessary.

There ARE many things to talk about now but you have to tread lightly since your H is angry and is still processing what you told him.And I understand his wanting to know the WHY's about what you did but it seems there is rarely a completely fulfilling response that we get from the WS.I think he needs to give you time to figure that one out for yourself first and hopefully the C will help you do that.One things for sure,this is going to take a long time to deal with and I just hope your WH realizes this and that there is so much to cover.

Not sure if this helped but it's good to see that you are trying to make ammends with your WH.I can appreciate how hard that must be.

Good luck tonight with the MC.Let us know how things go.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks - you are right - I feel like I am walking on egg shells bc I know I have hurt him terribly and he is still processing it. I got over it 5 years ago but he just learned about it a month ago.
I guess it is going to take time to be completely comfortable with each other again. He confuses me bc he will tell me he loves me one day, be cold the next and then friendly again the next. I am sure he is confused - but he won't say what he is thinking - when he does - it all turns to anger. I try not to respond to that with crying since I think that can be seen as a control thing but sometimes it just hurts - I wish I could take everything I did back -
You are right too - I don't think any answer I give him as to why I had a ONS would be satisfying...I know it wouldn't be for me if the shoe was on the other foot.
We'll see what happens tonight...

Well, went to the MC and basically my H told me there is nothing I can do or say to fix this. He wants me to bring it up though so he know sI am thinking about it.
He confuses me - I start to talk and then he does not want to talk. He told me he would do the questionnaires with me and now won't. He won't read any of the books I bought - SAA, etc - I feel like I am chasing after him - like he is the WS instead of me. He told me he does not need to change at all and this is all my issue...if this is supposed to be a partnership how can it all be my issue? He has the angry outbursts a couple of times a week...no matter what I say or do I cannot win with him- if I talk he is not happy if I don't talk he is not happy.
How can I get him to read the books and/or realize that we have issues other than my ONS 6 years ago? We don't effectively communicate, I feel controlled, he doesn't want me talking to anyone but him, we don't spend time together - I am getting frustrated that he doesn't want to make this work. I know he is still upset but I just don't know what to do.
Any suggestions???