...on how to learn to deal with a spouse who attempted to cheat. I kissed another man 3 years ago, but my husband just recently tried to cheat on me with our nanny. Thank goodness nothing happened, but he tried and then lied about it until I caught him in the lie. Now he is trying to say he was trying to get me back! I do not understand this, but an looking for some insight. Is this a normal reaction?

Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Welcome to MB!

You did not tell very much. But from what you say your M (marriage) is not in a good place.
Many people here will say plan A, plan A.

Plan A is an action plan for initial repair of a M (marriage) after an A (affair).In this plan the faithful spouse does his/her best to fulfil the emotional needs of the WS (wayward spouse), and also does his/her best to avoid LBs (love busters = angry and disrespectful statements) and DJs (disrespectful judgements= assumptions as to the motives, intentions and feelings of the other).

It seems unfair that the faithful spouse should do all the work. The theory is that the A resulted in a hormone mix in the brain of the WS to produce "fog" from witch the WS observes the world, their family and their S (spouse) in a rather weird way. And therefore it is entirely unrealistic to expect a dedicated effort from the WS.
The A is considered an addiction, and must be treated like that.

The other central element in saving the M (Marriage) is NC (No contact) between the WS and the OP (other person). This is quite essential to recover the M after an A.

In your case, from the little you have told, I get the feeling that the problem is not the hormonal mix, but a lack of dedication to the M and to you. There seems to be a lack of personal boundaries.

In this case I do not fully support the ideology of this site. Many people here will tell you that if you fulfil all the EN (emotional needs) of your spouse, all will be well. I think this is only partly right. If the EN's are not fulfilled that undermines the strength of the M and the emotional attachment. But dedication and personal boundaries are also choicses that some fail to make.

I think you should read all you can on this site. Apart from these forums, there is much stuff that you should read. Go to the top of the page and push the "home" button and see what you can find. In particular, read about the emotional needs and about surviving an affair. Also read about radical honesty and the other "vitamins" to a healthy M.

I will also recommend the books: Surviving an affair" by W. Harley. (Referred to as SAA in these forums). "Thorn asunder” and "Love must be though". I don't remember the authors. But you can find them by internet search. These three books are complementary. The strength of SAA is the tools and planed approach it offers to restore the M. Thorn asunder is better at addressing the "message" of the A, and it will also better show the WS what they really have done.

As I write this I remember the book "Not just friends" by S. Glass (?). Perhaps that would be the book for your husband to read. Could you read it together and discuss each chapter as you read?

Where I think this site has a weakness is in the lack of focus on personal boundaries and dedication as a means to safeguard the M. I think "Love must be though" would be good reading for you to reinforce your boundaries and to strengthen your self respect.

A last topic to concider: For the avarage male WS the A is not a replacement-A but an add-on A. For female WS's the message is often more complicated. You may be fortunate to find there was no emotional attachment.

God bless you and heal your pain!

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 03:07 AM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>

Hey Annaspr,

I am also in a "almost" similar situation. I wrote here on Dec 26th "can't stay here anymore" about my husband trying to touch my younger sister's breast while he was driving her home after she had babysat for us.

I don't understand what the deal is? I mean what causes a spouse to even TRY to attempt a sexual encounter with a relative or someone close to his/her spouse & family???????????
It is so sick!! I cannot look at him without the feeling of disgust and anger!!

I wish I can understand it. But then I remember all the other posters on this site who were also betrayed in some way or another. There doesn't seem to be any reasoning or logic behind the spouses actions, only pure selfishness...me...me...me!

I was advised not to jump into a divorce right away.....I would love to right now, but my situation is a bit different. I can assure you the advice here is great. Try to keep posting here. I am curious as to what your next steps will be. Mine right now is, I am not LBing. I go to work, come home and take care what needs to be done; we are now sleeping in separate bedrooms. Overall, my main task is to take care of myself first and formost, then the kids. Good luck!

Hello annaspr,

I don't know how old you and your H are or if you have kids(assume yes with a nanny around) but you should consider some counseling to find out why you've kissed another man and why your H feels the need to "retaliate".These are not the actions of mature,happily married people and are NOT considered normal actions in my view.

If the nanny is still around,she needs to go.Your H already crossed a line with that woman and she should not be around your H or your family anymore.

Care to elaborate more?

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Just to give you all some more information and respond. When I kissed another man, we were not married. I know it doesn't mean that much (cheating is cheating). Overall, we have 4 wonderful kids (2 from a previous marriage and 2 together). We have had nannies and au pairs for 2 years. I have always gotten lucky to fing some wonderful girls to care for our children. I have never had a reason, in the past to not trust my husband or my marriages stability. Therefore having a 19-25 year old running around was not a concern. THank goodness this has never happened before. Someone asked how old we are, we are young. I am 28 and he is 24. I have spent a lot of time reading all of the information on this website to educate myself. At first I was ready to send him packing, but then I thought about it and decided I wanted to try to salvage our marriage, that is when I came upon this website. Then I decided - time to go to counseling. He needs to be involved as much as I am. He is just being as nice as possible thinking I will get over it that way (I don't think so). Anyway, tonight we go to our first appt with the counselor. I hope that will move us in the right direction. Really, I just do not know how to move past this indiscretion. I value all of the advice you have given and look forward to more. Thank you all for your time and wonderful hearts. It takes a lot to be able to give advice to other peopl;e when you yourself are going through something like this.