My H was just approached in the hallway by the OW, and she says she wants to contact me. What do I do? He says he wants nothing to do with her. AAAGGGHHHH!

I suggest your H should tell her that she has no business further infiltrating your marriage and please stay away from both of you.

Unless you want to talk to her, but this would do you no good.

Now, please tell us if you feel your H is telling you the full truth.

WAT

Ye, I believe that he is telling the truth, if for no other reason than the timing. He was at work for all of 5 minutes before he told me and he seemed very upset. I do not want tohear from her, but feel like I would like to tell her a few choice words. It is not commom for me to feel so much hate for one person. It's probably, no it is, because I find it so much easier to direct my hate on her. Should I be the one to tell her NC, because I do not want my H to respond to her AT ALL.

Your emotions are understandable. But fulfilling your desire to spew venom at her only gives her power over you.

Are you the folks who are moving soon? Sorry - it's hard to keep everyone sorted out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The no contact should come via a NC letter from him.

WAT

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

yes, we are the ones who are moving soon. he and I talked about this, and think that we should write a note, because I have really wanted to, but that he should email it to her so that she can see solidarity. I haven't asked him this, but I think we should both sign it so that she sees that he and I are on the same wavelength. What do you think about that?

also, he did write a nc letter after I first found out, but obviously, she didnt care about that

Disclaimer > I have no personal experience in this phase of the infidelity drama. All I know is what I've learned from others on this forum.

The dual signature seems smart, but less is more, I think. The less time you spend on her, the better off you'll be. Also, if she's married or has a significant other, he should be an addressee as well.

The fact that she didn't "honor" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> the first NC letter is a clue to how she'll react to any more. So a counter argument to sending another letter is that you accomplished as much as can be expected by the first one and don't give her any more attention.

WAT

I understand all that you say, unfortunately, after I wrote my last reply, she had already emailed my H at work with a short letter to me. So, before I read it, I sent her our letter. I had to react fast, and felt that if I let her think that she could just apologize, that I wouldnt being true to myself. My H and I worked quickly together and came off with a pretty good letter. We were kind of prepared for this, because I knew that this was his last week at his job and that she would probably try something. Once again, he was niave, and thought she wouldn't. Just goes to show you how much smarter I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just Kidding.
Thank you so much for your advise. It DID really help me stay logical and in control. I think that is something very hard for me to do at the moment.

So, what did she say in her message?

If you haven't already, please recommend your H visit this forum and seek knowledge/advice. He will be welcomed with understanding.

WAT

Her message stated that she was sorry and that she felt sick with herself. That God will punish her appropriately, and that she hoped my H and I could move forward.
I told her in my letter that she should have thought about all this before the A. That's what I keep telling my H as well. Why don't people think?
Anyway, I do feel better now, and thank you again for your advise.

Hmmmm, maybe she has a conscience and there's hope for her.

OK, now no need to ever communicate with her again.

Get to work on discovering your contributions to the poor pre-affair marital condition. If you haven't already, get Surviving An Affair, by Harley. It's available in the bookstore on this website or from just about any on-line bookseller.

I wish you well.

WAT