I realy think my WW is nuts!!!

Tell me if I am an idiot or not?

I stoped at her house this am to pick up DD and take her to her school bus, very cold today and I thought that would be nice.

My WW asked me to start her car for her, no problem, I even turned on her seat warmer for her, so far two points for me,on top of that I sent her flowers and a bottle of her fav wine as she started in a new office monday. Filling up her love bank or so I thought.

WW calls me and asked if the next time I start her car, would I mind turning on the front and rear defrost, she hates waiting around for them to thaw! I thought I had turned them on.

Then she wants to know why I am in a bad mood? I didn't know I was. She says I am, so I say ok, sorry (no LB's) I was not aware of my bad mood. She then proceeds to tell me that she gets very upset as I tend to be vague about things?

Now if she wants to talk vague, I can talk vague, her life for the last year has been that way. She is doing all she can to p*ss me off and push me away. She is down on me for everything I do for her, I am trying to fill her EN, but wow, at some point I need something for me. I am getting real tired of the fog she is in.

Her A lasted a year, she still has contact with him and I think my Love Bank is dry. It took all I had not to tell her to look at yourself before you start throwing rocks at me.....You my dear are no SAINT. I did not do that no LB's from me.

I do want to give some back and defend myself, as she is hurting me on a daily basis. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am starting to feel as if I have nothing left to give.

Her Love Bank is dry, so is mine.

Sounds to me like she is due for a little Reverse Babble. Give a callout to Orchid..she's the expert.

She is nuts. She is a WS, right?

But....listen to me now. You do not have the right to vent on her, to give her what she deserves. You do not have that right. I know it is tempting. And I am guilty of doing that with my wife in the past. But it helps no one. You may think it will make you feel better. But in reality, it only does two things. First, it will give her ammo to her foggy brain that nothing has changed and that she was right somehow in doing what she has done. And second, she will treat you like that...which will make you more angry and hurt. And thus, the negative cycle begins.

You can control this by not unleashing your anger. Anger is based on one thing...fear. It is okay to tell her you are scared, tell her your fears and hurts. it is NOT okay to give her your anger. No matter what she has done.

Ignore the fog. Concentrate on the truth and the good things. You made some good deposits. Dont worry about the rest. As long as you make deposits and dont LB, then you are moving forward.

Rome wasnt built in a day. Patience, my man.

In His arms.

NO, NO, NO Alan.

Your Plan A is working to perfection!

Don't you see?

She HAS to find stooopid reasons to criticize you because THERE ARE NO GOOD REASONS!

She's desperate and grasping oh so desperately to demonize you.

It's working, Plan A that is.

Take it to the (love) bank!!!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> I realy think my WW is nuts!!!

Tell me if I am an idiot or not?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, does that bring back memories!!!

For the first several months of my ordeal, I constantly asked friends and family, "Am I f'ed up?" I think most BSs go thru significant self doubt because we cannot make sense out of what the heck is going on. We MUST be crazy!!

Hence, the alien abduction theory..........

WAT

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

You should only go to Plan B if you are loosing love for her and can no longer go on with Plan A,,,listen to the good advice

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Sounds like typical fog talk to me - making sure you look like the bad guy, so she doesn't feel guilty for A and staying in contact with OM.

Am assuming you are in Plan A? If you've been out of house since Oct04, has Plan B crossed your mind? I'm no expert, by any means, but if your love bank is getting dry, that's what Plan B is for - to help you not get totally to the bottom, with nothing left...

I'm sure more experienced MB's will be by soon with some great advice - chin up, you can move through this.

PS - for what it's worth, if things went just as you said they did, then it sounds like you did/are doing all you can for a good Plan A!

aussieswife,

I am in plan A, the whole thing has been going on about a year, but to be honest my plan A just started four weeks ago. I had made some attempts at it, and they were no good. If I go down I want to know I did my best to save this. So I have not thought about Plan B just yet, althought I think I am at that point sometimes.

Mortarman, WAT, thanks for the help, if this is a good Plan A, man this is hard. I have spent way to many days in tears about this.

She told me I had beaten her down over the years, well if that is true and I know it takes two for anything, this is payback.

How long did it take to build Rome anyway?

WAT, it is hard to see this as a good Plan A at times. It hurts more than I ever thought it would.I have days I want to walk away and find a beach for just me and my kids and let my WW stay here in the cold and snow with her OM to keep her warm, the best part is I know he wont!

Yes, I agree, you are doing a good plan A. When she has top pick out the tiniest things you know you are doing a good plan A. She even had to find something to citicize about something nice you did for her. Would she have rather gotten into that frozen icebox and started it herself? That's how it will be if you are not there.

She was in a bad mood, and projected that onto you. She is miserable, so you need to be miserable. She can't handle you doing nice things for her, you the person she treated so horribly, so she is trying to make you mad, so she can justify. You handled it well.

Plan A is hard, I know, I am living it. My FWW had the same reactions, and still does. I have experienced the exact same scenario you just experienced. Weird how they all act the same.

Do you have enough to go a few more rounds and keep plan A'ing? If you don't it is better to go dark than to LB all over the place. Also, pulling the rug is just what she may need to see what she is losing.

BTW, I believe your love bank is dry, but how can her's be. She has been the receiver of your good acts. The deposits were made, she just hasn't counted them yet. She may not until you decide to go plan B, if that is what you decide, then she will remember that love cash.

Bear04,

I just don't know how much I can do. I am running on fumes and things don't seem to be getting better in my eyes. It seems we have a breakthrough then down hill we go. I am trying to stick to my Plan A as I know 4 weeks is not enough, I just wish I had started sooner.

Why is she unable to see the deposits I have made in her Love Bank? I am close to giving up.

Ok, you are going to need to do something that is hard to do, it is hard for me and I do slip and go in and out. You need to detach yourself. You need to not expect on single thing from this woman in return for your plan A actions. If you do get something back, great, it is so much sweeter.

I do not know your story, but it sounds like you went a long time back and forth before you committed to plan A. I am sure that time was full of LB's. That needs to be undone. I also think that part of the reason your WW reacts the way she does is because she doesn't believe you actions are genuine, that you are just acting this way to get her back. She will continue to think that until your actions are consistently shown to be true. Then she will not question. You will still hurt because she will not reciprocate, but you will have gotten thru to her.

You are on the rollercoaster. These mood swings are part of the ride. Tomorrow, you might feel better. It sucks, but you are there. Do your best, you will have no regrets.

Mortarman,


Why is it I have no right to do anything?

Why can't I vent at her?

She is killing me inside, tell me the pain is worth it in the end!

I love my W so very much, but this Devil WW of mine is killing me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Alan, try taking yourself a little less seriously. Or rather, taking her SOOOO seriously!

Many Plan A'ers before you have successfully adopted a "comic relief" approach to the behavior being currently demonstrated by your WS. Simply stated, they switched gears in their perspective of the WS to step back and see the amazing hilarity in what the WS is doing and saying. You gotta admit that much of the blather that comes out of their mouths is downright hilarious. When you can see the humor in it, and not take it seriously, it may be easier to watch.

If you keep this up a little while longer, you will set yourself up for a perfect transition to Plan B. I promise.

WAT

Alank,

Stop it. Yes, Plan A is draining...but you are letting it drain way to fast. How so?

Well, you are expecting things to happen. it is natural...but not helpful. You need to stop asking the question "Why is my wife not getting it?" You need to trust that she is in fact getting it. You will not see it until the love bank is startingto overflow. Until then, it will be building under the surface.

I put this on another thread...but I will say it again. Too many of us (I am guilty also) want to plant seeds the night before, push dirt over top of them, pour some water on them...only to wake up the next morning and wonder why you cant see anything happening. Well, a lot has to happen under the surface before we can see anything on top. But, normal farmers understand that something is happening under the surface. And it is only a matter of time, as long as they keep watering the dirt.

Same goes here. You keep watering (love deposits), and it will begin to grow. But you will nto see it for awhile.

You just started Plan A. You are doing great. Learn to dissect babble from truth. Concentrate on truth, instead of the babble. Come here if you need help with that.

If you do that...if you have faith, continue your Plan A...and ignore anything that your WW says or does that is foggy...then you will do fine. And in a few weeks, she will be back...or you will be in Plan B. But Plan B will only work with a good Plan A behind it.

You are well on your way. You are in charge now, not her. She has no plan...she is just going where the wind takes her. Not very comforting. She wont know what happened. But you will. Her actions will be predictable, if not laughable at times. Sit back...and enjoy the show. Not that you enjoy her hurting. But that you should be able to relax and watch as she goes through this process.

In His arms.

Because if you vent on her, Devil WW will never leave and your W will not return. Kill WW with kindness. You know that will hurt her greater than any biting words you can think of, and it is a good hurt.

Mortarman, Bear04, WAT,

Thanks for all the input, you guys are great. I am venting today, as I have not seen the funny side of this yet. I am trying hard to not take this very Seriously but she has turned from the best friend I once had to a person I have never seen before.

I am trying and yet I am running out of patiance. Thanks for the help on this, I wont give up, I just need help to get through this.

Alank,

She is not killing you...it just feels like that. But WAT is right. You need to remove yourself as much as possible from the equation. Sit back and watch her. When you fill and EN, look at her like a scientist would. "HHHmmm...I wonder how she will react? Wow, she got angry at me for doign that thing for her. I wonder why. Let me consult me 'Fogese Handbook.'" And then dissect why it is she has lost her mind.

On "letting her have it," you cant do that because it isnt right...it is abuse...and it does not help you, as I outlined above. It will ONLY make things worse. I didnt say you had to be quiet. But, to LB and get angry is NOT allowed. You can express why you are angry. You can draw boundaries so that she cant hurt you more. You can make healthy demands. But you cannto verbally, physically or emotionally abuse her, no matter how much she deserves it.

Believe me, I understand!!! Go back to my threads and read how much I screwed up. And it wasnt until I got it that things started getting better for me, and between us.

You are doign a great Plan A on her. But not so great on yourself. Plan A yourself. Get with the program. Understand what it takes, how long it will take...and what things she will say and/or do during this process. and then just expect it!!

In His arms.

Alank,

The boys (WAT and MM) have been giving you good advice. Perhaps I can phrase a few things differently. You have got the idea of planting seeds down right? Well, then consider the action of venting or showing anger to here the equivalent of planting seeds, fertilizing them, carefully watering them, and then bring in a big plow and plowing up the whole thing. You can nothing from it, the seeds don't grow and the dirt is a mess. And the dirt would be... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for WAT's suggestion to see the humor in this, consider his alien abduction theory, which by the way has NOT been disproven. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Why does he have such a theory? It is because there is NO LOGIC to what your W does or says right now. So you are left with two, actually three choices.

1. You could walk away, not acceptable to you.

2. You could cry, helps a little but is not a good way to function.

3. Or you can laugh. It is healthy and a small smile on your face with W does something really incredibly insensitive or just dumb will work on her. Not a smirk Oh no, just a small smile as you turn away to do your appointed tasks.

Alank, this stuff is down right humorous IF you are not in the middle of it. But when you can smile you will realize that you are NOT in the middle of it. The issues you are dealing with are NOT yours. The person you are dealing with is NOT under your control. The person you are dealing with has no control right now.

So you might as well laugh, smile, and collect some of the priceless pearls of wisdom that will and do roll off of your W's lips. Heck, if you ever thought about doing standup, take notes you will get some great material.

So step back, takes your hands off of the wheel of her life (it is disconnected anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), and do your best to be a good man, a forgiving man, a tolerant man, a man with a plan.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Plan A does NOT have a definite length to it. It should be reevaluated regularly by you and perhaps with help from here. At some point plan B will probably be required, it usually is. But,first see if you can master the art of watching someone make a fool of themselves and smile about it.

Guess I am down on myself today, don't see much good in anything.

Thank you all for the help, I know what to do it just seems like I have hit a brick wall. I am emotionaly drained right now.

All I want is to walk away and cry...

Alan,

Not sure if you want a female BS POV, but here it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Review JL's points on plan A again. Really review it. It is a short post (one of his shorter ones anyway - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) yet if you pay attention you can see where you will find a way to relieve some of the burden you are insisting on holding onto. Yep, you are insisting.....stop it.

Now as for the reverse babble technique, I have found that when a WS talks crazy (as your WS is currently doing)....you can do things to give back her stupidity without coming right out and saying it.

When she says you are always talking down to her.....let her know you didn't know this, thanks for telling you and you'd appreciate it if she would stop that also. Stay away from giving details.

The kick to the reverse babble is to say a little and leave it for her to wonder. You want to put doubt in her mind so that she spends time wondering either what you meant or what you are up to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This will take her mind and time off the A.

For you, working on this will bring some levity and help you deal with the future crisis coming up. It will allow you to handle more with less. Another technique is the charmin' techinque I just started a post on.

These suggestions have been tried and tested in various ways. For the most part, laughter is the best medicine when it is done in controlled levels.

NOTE: The WS accuses the BS of being controlling....the BS should not argue that point. In reality all of us need t/b controlling to a reasonable degree. Yet the WS tries to use those words to make the BS seem unreasonable. The smart BS recognizes this trick and turns it around on the WS. Instead of arguing, the BS agress and adds: 'Yes, I am controlling.....this is what keeps me sane. Why don't you try that for the same reason?'

A BS who learns to respond as such learns NOT to be tricked by the WS and learns to give the WS a very subtle lesson with little or no LB.

There is more but I think that's enough for now.

Practicing in the mirror sounds funny but it works also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Then pray for lots of patience.

We need to get you out of the rut you are digging yourself in. Want a hand? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

orchid,

thank you as well for a female point of view. Everything helps and yes I do want a hand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think I am giving a lot more than I should in my Plan A, I don't know what to pull back on. As for the reverse babble I have not tried that but I will.

Today is the hardest day I have had. It seems so much easier to walk away at this point.

I am tired, not done with feeling this way. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I don't need to hear how controling I was anymore, how much pain I caused my WW or how I was such a poor H.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am so mad at this sitch and even worse I am getting mad at her. I think I take her calls to often and perhaps I just give to much.

I hate conflict as much as anyone else. I just want her to see what I am doing now, I am working on me while taking the best care I can of my family. By the way she say's I am not doing enough to help out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

She is the one who left the house now....What does she want.

I am starting to understand how hate works. I need help <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />