alank

You are getting fabulous advice here. I just want to throw in my support, from a BS who has done exactly as you are being coached to do. And it worked. However, you must be patient.

The results from doing an excellent Plan A have to be measured in MONTHS, not days or weeks. It's not any ONE little (or big) thing you do, it's the cumulation of ALL that you do. Put your TAKER on hold, and expect NOTHING back from your WW, nothing at all. Give like there's no tomorrow. Make all you give, a gift of LOVE, for insincerity will make withdrawals, not deposits, in her LB$.

Is all this easy? Not just no, but HELL NO! It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But my FWW noticed all the changes I made in me (that I've kept in place for well over a year now), and told me it was all the things I did in Plan A, that made the difference in her returning to the marriage. Although her body was in our house, her mind was already moved out, and had been for 6 months. It was a matter of time.

Plan A showed her "REALITY" of long term LOVE vs FANTASY. Plan A showed her unconditional LOVE under the most ADVERSE conditions. A quick smile, a sense of humor, and babbling back in a positive and humorous way will make huge deposits. Talk about deer in the headlights. Plan A baffles them completely. Kindness to them for all they've done to you makes NO sense to them, whatsoever. A sustained effort, without LoveBusters of any kind, brings their feet back down to earth. Is this OM REALLY worth giving up the REAL "Love of their life"?

Not usually.

Keep fighting, keep the faith, keep posting, and LISTEN to what the posters are telling you. Your PLAN A IS WORKING!

One day at a time. Patience, patience, patience!

Best wishes,
SD

SIDE NOTE: Mortarman: Welcome "back"!!! You are always missed when you take a "leave"!!!

Back to regularly scheduled programming!

SD

When I said my WW is nuts, I realy was kidding, untill today.

Listen to this and let me know what you think.

My WW is realy upset today, she told me I dont think about her, it's all about me?

I brought her a new Eddie Bauer Explorer home while I take her car in for service. Now this unit still has a window sticker on it, this made her mad. It only had a 1/4 tank of gass, and I did not wash it as it would freeze as it is very cold right now. All of this made her very mad.

Next thing, she is trying to stop smoking, the other day I said I think you have about 4-5 patches left. She has gone into the box the last two days to get out a patch, today she is out of them and pissed at me b/c I said a few days ago she had about 5 left.

Would she not have noticed if she took the last patch yesterday? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> She is so mad, she yelled at me, swore at me and told me I only think of myself at times, I brush her feelings to the side. arghhhhhhhhhhh

I have done nothing but put in a smile and do everything I can to meet her needs, today she said flat out "my needs, all you give a F**K about is yourself"

Does this sound like my Plan A is working?

I am very upset with her right now and I don't know if I want to see her today. She has turned into the DEVIL. She is saying I am doing nothing for her, I am not meeting her EN's, she doesn't feel like she can rely on me for anything.

I feel like we are done, we have had so many days like this as of late.. I am not expecting a new W overnight, but man a small amount of kindness would be great.

She has no idea what I have been doing for her in the past four weeks. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Plan A is alive, and working well!

You are being kind and thoughful.

She "believes" you are menacing and difficult.

You show her by actions that you care.

She is very confused, because she NEEDS you to become upset, angry, ugly to JUSTIFY HER AFFAIR.

You, however, have become very "uncooperative". You have been kind and loving, and have not been committing Love Busters.

This makes it MUCH more difficult for her to JUSTIFY her AFFAIR.

This confuses her even more. What is she to do? Well, of course, she must PROVOKE YOU IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE to get you to COMMIT LOVEBUSTERS, to allow her to JUSTIFY the AFFAIR.

Play YOUR game, Plan A, and stay empowered, and in control of the situation. She has no plan. Do NOT PLAY HER GAME and allow her actions or words to provoke you. That happens, she "wins".

It's all part of the process. Think of her as a big, foggy iceberg, and you and Plan A are the "hairdryer". It will take time and committed effort, but you will eventually "melt" the fog, and the ice, and the W you married will appear in the place of this "CRAZY WW".

Plan A! Your future depends on it!

Best wishes,
SD

SD has it right!! Things are going as planned. Right out of Chapter 7 of the WS handbook.

In His arms.

I agree with SD, your plan A is working. What you are experiencing is her being upset with herself. Also, if I read right, she mentioned her needs, you are not meeting her needs. Have you told her you are trying to meet her needs? Do you literally talk to her this way, saying "I am doing my best to meet your needs, etc"? If you are, STOP. She must not be told of your plan. You don't say a word, just do it. Nothing is worse than if you do something for someone, then point it out to them. Expect nothing in return.

Also, you are doing nice things for her, etc. She complains you are not meeting her needs. Are you doing the right things, pushing the right buttons? Bringing a glass of ice water to a person on a hot day is a nice thing. Bringing it to an eskimo is an attempt to be nice, but accomplishes nothing and eventually, when repeated, p!sses the eskimo off.

I know, you can't read her freaking mind. Just try to be mindful and more aware. Most importantly, don't LB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>Does this sound like my Plan A is working?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perfectly! (for where she is at the moment)

She is projecting her inner turmoil onto the easiest, nearest, MOST TRUSTED target > YOU!!

Yep, it's very counterintuitive, but consider it a compliment and a vote of confidence that you are on the receiving end of this blather.

Her blaming you as being self centered and not thinking about her is classic, classic, classic WS script reading.

Take comfort that she's "normal"!!! This means EVERYTHING you know about garden variety affairs applies to your sitch.

Keep up the good work and try, try, try to see thru this fog for what it is > validation of your good work.

WAT

I'm sorry to jump into your conversation, but I just have to say to all of you who are doing the Plan A and staying with your S while they are in the fog have my upmost admiration. I don't know how you do it. I thought it was hard just staying with my H and the A was over. I am in awe!
Keep fighting, if for nothing other than your sanity! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Hug your children a lot and remember that they are more precious than anything, and even when your W if at her worst, at least she gave you your children. That should be worth some of the pain, right?
Take care!

T

Bear04,

I have told her I am trying to meet her needs, I will stop that.

She is picking apart everything I do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am looking for the humor in all this, it is just hard to find.

I feel like she hates me at every turn.

Alan - do you have a Plan B letter written yet? Get hopping!

Part of her ranting to you is likely due to you coming home and her leaving. She knows you're right, but either can't face this reality or is merely deflecting her frustration at you for the reasons I stated above.

This reminds me of the blather I heard > "You made me leave!! I had to because it was YOUR decision NOT to leave!!!" Just try to figure that out.

WAT

WAT,

I do not have a Plan B letter in place yet. I have only been on my true Plan A for 4 weeks.

I was not ready for Plan B, is it time?

I don't think I have the emotional stability for that yet?

Should I do Plan B now?

I'm like teaching a kid, sometimes I just don't get it.

The reason I raise Plan B today is that despite all our efforts to convince you that you are doing a good Plan A - and she shows the signs of it - you are still crying the blues! Your love bank is draining fast and I think you'll end up LB'ing if you can't get out of your rut. Plan B will isolate you from her and your LB'ing.

Four weeks at a good Plan A is not very long. But if a BS has demonstrated their Plan A improvements, has conducted all the exposure they can, and is physically separated from the BS, I think it's time for Plan B no matter how short Plan A has been.

Plus - with the way she's acting, Plan B may very likely pull the rug right out from under her. Exactly what she needs > a good cleansing crash.

I could be completely wrong, so don't act on my advice alone. But writing the Plan B letter is a good exercise. Why not get one ready?

WAT

WAT,

Are you saying that I am a week man!!!!!

You may be right. My love bank is dry, yet I have the resolve to finish this one way or another.

I have no intentions of giving up on my WW.

This just sucks.......I will work on my plan B letter, although I would no like to start it untill after my DD's 4th birthday in Feb.

Perhaps I should stop acting like a kid and stand up like a man.

It is just hard.

Thanks for the help..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>Are you saying that I am a week man!!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you could be a day man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

OK, so get your head outta yur butt and see the very positive indications coming from your WW!

Waiting on Plan B is OK. You just CAN'T do any LBs!!

Stop taking so personally what she's spewing. Again - it's a compliment to your Plan A, I believe! Slurp it up!! Rub it on your belly! Pour it in a blender with some spiced rum and make one of those silly drinks with an umbrella in it!

Now look. You're making me silly now just thinking about how she's gonna continue to recite the WS script and you need to grin and bear it and try as hard as you can NOT to bust out laughing at her!!

WAT

WAT,

Are you making fun of me??

Thank you for helping me get a laugh out of this!

I may be a week man, perhaps a day man, deep down I think I am weak!

I do understand what you are saying and I do love a drink with an umbrella {don't spread that around}

I have a big grin right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just need to be pushed by you guys.

Thanks for always listening to me rant. It has saved me and gives me a push in the right direction every day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

alank
i really think you need to keep plan a ing for a little while, fill her love bank a little more. from what i gathered yesterday you were 1/2 a$$ing plan a , remember smile! close the d@mn deal! dont pay attention to what she is saying.
she is not on the lot for a ham sanwich, she is still there so, sell, sell, sell.
ive always wanted to throw that back at a mgr <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

remember; anytime your selling something, someone else is selling the same thing, they are buying YOU!

dalson,

I am with you on that. Sell sell sell. ABC, finish the deal, lets go for the bump, hey maybe she's a laydown.

I am staying with plan A for a while, and I am selling myself as best I can.

Thanks for the advice.