Hey there! I thought I would break you out of tqt's thread, so I don't get confused on who I am posting to!
That is a very interesting book you are reading, indeed. I have heard it recommended here several times, and I usually enjoy the books recommended here. I am currently reading one of them, actually.
Spyder..funny you mention ego and protection. I am reading "Do I have to give up me to be loved by you". They talk a lot about the protection mode. I definately see it in my WH, but I am also seeing that my neediness and crying and wanting answers from him is my own way of controling him and protecting myself. I have never looked at the fact that my expecting him to feel my pain and do something about it is all about control. It is a way to blame and of course we all natural protect when we ae blamed.
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He withdraws, I go on the offensive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a vicious cycle, and you are doing very well to be the one to step out of it. I learned so many wonderful things from my H's A. It was the most pain I have ever been in, and also the fastest and most I have ever grown. I didn't even realize, for 2 whole months, that I was trying to control my H. I kept thinking he had the power to hurt me over and over again. He does, ONLY if I let him.
I think a lot of the pain a BS feels is caused from the reaction to their own actions. I would cry and beg and plead, and H would lash out at me. Once I stopped with my destructive behaviors, he stopped with his.
Penny Tupy has a very good article on her site. I put the link on tqt's thread, about the Great Race ~ who destroys the M first, BS or WS. Did you check that out? It is very interesting, right along the lines you are reading about now in your book.
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I need to give him time to "soften" as they say in this book. One day down of NC and I feel good. Tonight I will go to the gym, and give a polite hello if he is there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There you go. Even more than NC to let him "soften," I encourage you to use this time to yourself, FOR yourself. Sounds like you are doing just that, with going to the gym and reading interesting books. Also, play games with your kids each night, until someone laughs really hard (we usually stopped when someone fell off their chair). Get your hair hilighted and cut cute. If you've lost weight, go buy a couple new pairs of pants on sale, and a couple new tops on sale. ALWAYS have your toenails painted, and your legs shaved.
If you haven't yet, I also encourage you to read more than just infidelity books. Read about relationships. I started with "Men are from Mars .. . ." Pep has recommended "The Passionate Marriage" to me several times (haven't gotten it yet ~ I'm backlogged, er, backbooked <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).
Paint a wall in your home, reorganize, clean, make lists of things to do each day if you are having a problem being productive. Even if it is painful at first, start doing some of the things you all used to do as a family, with just you and the kids. This is not just for them, but for your own personal healing as well. The goal for all of this is to prepare you for either 1)your WH coming back to the M and rebuilding, or 2)your WH not coming back to the M and you getting ready to move on with your life without all the baggage HE will have to carry around with HIM.
My experience on these Boards is, the closer you get to personal recovery, the more interested the WS becomes in coming back to the M. In fact, I don't think I have seen it happen many other ways, after one of the S's has moved out of the home.
Just as the WS is addicted to the OP, remember that the BS is addicted to the WS. The way I used to get myself through each day, is to say, "If I expect my H to get through withdrawals from OW, I must lead by example and get through my withdrawals of him." My experience has been on these boards that usually when a M gets into crisis, the BS goes through those same withdrawals from their WS.
And treat it as an addiction! Just focus on today. Not tomorrow, or doing this for the next 4 days, 4 weeks, whatever. Focus on today. "TODAY, I am going to do all this other stuff INSTEAD of calling my WH."
I used to write my H letters when I really missed him. I never sent them, or gave them to him. I just wrote to the man I remembered, wrote to my best friend. Wrote to him as if the "real" him had been abducted, and I was writing to the captive on the Mother Ship, letting him know I was going to be OK.
Or journal here. Many members start a journal, and get comments and support.
Keep on keeping on, girlie! You are doing great.
Spidey
The kids are not going as he probably is expecting. So he will not see them either (He usually only sees them there for about 2 minutes to say HI, otherwise he doesn't schedule time with them)
