Hey all... Like many before me, I have been lurking here for a little while, taking information in and trying to use it, but things have come to a big stand-still. I am scared that my marriage and the future of our family are heading down the path to divorce. I need your help!

First, here are some specifics. Know wife for 14 years. Married 9 years. Two kids, both boys, 3 & 5.

Apparently my wife had been having a torrid affair that (physically) started in the beginning of 2004. My discovery of this affair happened over the course of a few months, as at first my wife told me it was not physical, only emotional. It took three months before she told me the whole truth. My wife truly believes she is in love with the OM. I have tried to explain that she is living in a fog, not in reality, but she doesn't accept it. Here is a history of how I found out.

At the beginning of this summer I received an anonymous call on my voicemail at work stating that my wife was having an affair. It was like a punch in the stomach. I was working at a public event and my co-workers actually asked me to leave as they thought I had the flu (I was pale and throwing up...) I drove to where my wife works and walked outside of the building with her and confronted her with the info. She denied the whole thing. Over the next two weeks we tried to figure out who would spread such a lie. We listened to that voicemail over and over.

Two weeks later, the day before our anniversary, I got another phone call at work. The person said to ask my wife about a specific person (they named him.) Well, my wife informed me that she had fallen in love with this person but nothing physical happened. She did say she was disillusioned with where our marriage was. The next three months had us working with a MC, and my wife going to counseling on her own. The MC did not work out, neither one of us liked her, and my wife did not like the idea of even having an MC or going to counseling. When the MC asked us to read something or do anything, my wife would say that marriage should not be work and she did not want to have to do "homework."

On a Friday evening in September, when my wife and I got into a discussion about our whole situation, she finally told me the whole truth. That she had been having an affair with the co-worker for a while. I never had such a vicious blow in my life. Coincidently, at just about this time, the OM got laid off and took a job about 50 miles away. She stayed in contact with him through phone and email. At the beginning of this past December, the OM cut off all contact with her. So while he has finally pulled out of the affair and tries to rebuild his marriage, she still wants him and I think would run to him if asked.

So here we are today. One of the biggest problems I have is that my wife does not believe any books or counseling will help us. If I try and bring up any information or try and do anything from a book or website, she debunks it all (unless the info benefits her case.) I have been trying to be, as I put it, "the best person I can be." My way of saying that I am working a Plan A, avoiding love busters, etc.

**** Can anyone recommend an MC in the northwest suburbs of Chicago?

I initially want this for me. I need someone to talk to. I would like to have WW come. She says she will go for me but really does not want to. I know for her a female would work best and I need a strong person with a strong personality. The counselors we have seen have been lame. I looked into the Harley's but my insurance does not cover them and I cannot afford without.

**** How do I get my wife to try to work on the marriage?

Pretty much every book I have read seems to assume that once the affair is discovered, given about three weeks of no contact, the WS will start working on things. This is not the case with me. My wife still walks around depressed because she wants to see the OM. She says her heart is not in the marriage. Like I said, she honestly feels that she is in love with him. She has separated physically but not emotionally. How do I get her to turn that corner?

**** One thing I have learned is that, for my wife, one our biggest LBs has been intimacy.

After our first child, and even more so after our second, our intimate relations had become rather mundane. Apparently the sex with the OM was incredible (she was kind enough to share that with me.) She has NO DESIRE to be with me. This has been the case since I FIRST learned anything. I hate to be a "guy" but this is getting old. I need intimacy. But my wife says she can not do it. How can I get her to be intimate again? My wife feels that we need to be intimate before we can work on anything else, but she cannot see being with me. Even before the affair, we never really talked about sex. My wife feels that it should "just happen." When I have tried to talk with her, she says she does not like to talk about it as if she would tell me anything, it's like it wouldn't count anymore.

**** Should I tell someone we both mutually know?

This is the hardest part of Plan A. I don;t know if I can do it. No one knows of the affair except some co-workers / friends where my wife works (we assume one of them was behind the phone calls.) We have no family support on the area other than my wife's sister and she works evening hours. I have thought of telling her but I feel it would totally upset my wife. I also don't trust her sister not to tell her family. I think this would do more harm than good. What are the benefits? What would my sister-in-law do with the news? I think my wife would feel I am using her sister against her.

**** Are these the right questions? Any other advice?

Sorry for the long post. I'm tired of the negativity, I'm tired of working on the marriage and getting nothing in return, I'm tired of being alone in this, I'm tired of not sleeping and eating, I'm tired of being sad. I need help in moving forward.

-- Pak23

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: Pak23 ]</small>