My WH sent me an email this morning wanting to "help" me get through this tough time. He says he's no longer guilt free and that he is at peace with what is happening. I just don't understand how a person who's done what he's done can be at peace and happy.
Is this just the Fog talking or what? I just don't get it.
He tells me that he loves me unconditionally and that he will always care about me. He thinks we are still a family and that even afte the divorce we will still be a family. ??? He says he refuses to say that we are getting a divorce...he uses the term dissolution of marriage.....isn't that the same thing?? What is wrong with this man?
He keeps telling me that he's changed and that he would never do what he did again. Am I supposed to be happy about that? I just happened to be the one that he dumped on? GREAT!!!
Someone please reverse babble this....kinda curious what you think......

It sounds to me like he should help you through this.

IMHO, I think he wants an out, he want's to walk away from what happened with a clear mind and he is asking you to give it to him.

If he still wanted to be a family, does he still have a chance with you?

I think he wants you to say it's all ok, the past is the past and yes we will still be a family.

Be honest with him, best you can do IMHO. Many better here than me with advice though.

FOGBABBLE (How was that Orchid?)

Disregard what he's saying!

Okay, Tree, I'll take a crack - even though your H's alternate reality is so foreign... I think I know my way around in there, but only as a foreign tourist who has read about the place. Not quite sure how it works in there, exactly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He says he's no longer guilt free and that he is at peace with what is happening.

Didn't he cry on the phone the other day? Sorrow is not something one experiences when one is at peace. He should be very happy. Isn't happiness what he seeks?

He tells me that he loves me unconditionally and that he will always care about me. He thinks we are still a family and that even afte the divorce we will still be a family. ???

"Uh huh, we will be a broken family."

He says he refuses to say that we are getting a divorce...he uses the term dissolution of marriage.....isn't that the same thing?? What is wrong with this man?

Tree, my WW said at first, "I think we should break up." Later, she talked about "dissolving the marriage." Euphemisms make them hate themselves less.

Your H may have rationalized that marriage is an unnatural state, and also that a family can be a family without the parents of the child being married. He's probably also thought about how "kids are resilient". He's thought about how your child is better off with his parents apart, given his feelings about you.

All this tortured thinking is pure rationalization of something that deep down he knows is nasty.

He keeps telling me that he's changed and that he would never do what he did again. Am I supposed to be happy about that? I just happened to be the one that he dumped on? GREAT!!!

He probably regrets what he's done, but figures too much damage has been done. Whether you agree or not, that's just another rationalization. He just likes having an excuse to keep romping with Frenchy, right?

Just remember, Tree, how much of his energy is going into maintaining this alternate reality built out of rationalizations.

He sounds just like the sparrow's OM, the way he talks to car4love. Except the sparrow's OM is a little nastier.

The other common thread is the enabling family. The sparrow's OM's family has managed to create a parallel universe for OM and the sparrow where OM was escaping a relationship that was actually abusive. Your WH has a similarly fluffy bunch of amoral, conflict-avoiding justifiers for a family, I reckon.

GC

***IMHO, I think he wants an out, he want's to walk away from what happened with a clear mind and he is asking you to give it to him.***

***I think he wants you to say it's all ok, the past is the past and yes we will still be a family.***

Bull's-Eye.

Mulan

alank....NO...there is no chance of me taking him back. In the beginning I prayed and hoped he would come back but now too much has happened.

GC...thanks...I think he's rationalizing also. He doesn't seem to understand that we won't be a family anymore after the divorce. He thinks we can all still go out and do things together like a family. WTF????? Why would I want to spend my time with him after we divorce and he's with OW???? CRAZY!!!

TR,

The WS wants you to ease his guilty conscience. This is a great time to use all that fog babble and play back his very words to him.

So now he wants to help you? He is at peace and loves you unconditionally? Ooooh boy....heard 'dem words b4. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I remember telling my WS, that if that was his way of helping me and loving me unconditionally.....it w/b better to go to war than live through love like that. Then I started questioning the definitions of the words he used on me like.... love, happiness, $$, loyalty, faithfulness, lies, honesty, a long time ago (that's one they like to use), just a few, not that long ago, not that much, etc.

You see in the fog even the simpliest of words get distorted. I told my WS that I no longer understood most of what he was babbling so he would have to provide his translation of even his choice of words. LOL!!! That put him on the spot. I said, we both speak english but he had a babbling accent that just twisted up the meaning too much. LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Another thing I would say when he spoke sooo stupidly.....

Orchid: Hey, would you believe those same words if they were said to you by someone else? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

WS: Well, not really.

Orchid: Oh good, cuz' I don't either. Now either go back and return with a real good lie or the truth. I hate this kind of 1/2 azz babble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Tree, your WH is feeling really bad and wants you to be nice to him as he persues the destruction of your family, your marriage and your heart through his utter selfishness.

Do NOT support this.

If you hold ANY HOPE of a reconciliation, stay dark. Say nothing in plan B. This KILLED him and drove him to contact you in his pathetic 'please like and pity me !' way, remember ?

If you truly have no hope of reconciliation tell him the facts:

* you broke your promise of faithfulness to God and to me
* you deliberately failed me and worse our son who truly DID love you unconditionally
* you seem to want my forgiveness and permission to continue your life guilt free. Your guilt is not sent from me but from your own conscience
* a good way to alleviate your guilt might be to finacially support your son, or even to stop your godless affair and return home.
* go drown yourself in a trench of smegma, [censored].
sorry, the last one slipped out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear tree he IS realising what he's done, but in his WS selfishness he wants to feel better about himself without doing anything righteous to achieve that feeling.

Now I am NO expert and I KNOW you don't want to hear this but I think you have every chance of winning him back if you choose to.
You have every right to choose not to of course.

I'd stay dark, really. It kills him and does you good
{{{trish}}}

Bob says,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear tree he IS realising what he's done, but in his WS selfishness he wants to feel better about himself without doing anything righteous to achieve that feeling.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you pegged this one Bob. He sees what he did, maybe even wants something different, but doesn't, or isn't capable of doing anything about it.

Words are cheap, they are easy to say. They are the tools of the selfish lazy WS.

Take care TR

Or you could just imitate "The Church Lady" and say "How Conveeeeeeeeeeenient!"

But as far as babbling back:

WH: I'm guilt free.
you: Let me take your temperature, you sound ill.

WH: I'm and at peace
you: That's not peace, it's a hallucination...you've obviously caught something.

Wh: I love you unconditionally.
you: Well so sorry, I've got a few conditions on how I feel about you.

WH: I will always take care of you.
you: You did a great job of taking care of our marriage.

WH: We are still a family.
you: uh huh, a broken family. (LOL graycloud!)

WH: I refuse to use the word divorce, I prefer dissolution of marriage
you: Nothing has disolved it was ripped apart.

WH: I have changed.
you: You certainly have.

WH: I will never do this again.
you: How comforting for you, wish I could say the same.

Thanks for the input!!!
I do agree that he is trying to ease his guilt.

Bob.....I truly do ont want him back. It is very painful because I do love this man but I know that I have to move on and start over with my life. He will never be the person I miss. He's done so much damage and there's no turning back.

star*fish......I'll try some of those repsonses....although I don't plan on talking to him anymore. I did send him an email and letting him know how I felt...I told him that that was all I had to say and we will leave the rest up to my lawyer.

TJ...you are SO right....WORDS ARE CHEAP!!!!

Orchid...It's amazing how all WS are alike. WE could write a book on all of this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

duplicate post.

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

TR,

No book deals..... see the Amber Frey post? Seems like there are a lot of opinions about her book....wonder what would happen if a BS really wrote a book? YIKES!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

It would be great if we wrote a book and then by law the WS's had to read it before they could get divorced!!!!! In Florida we have to take a parenting class so what's the difference? LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />