This story was posted in just found out. Was recomended to post here.

I will cut this story into three parts, its very long.

It is basically the history of my wife and me up until the day i caught her cheating.

The purpose of this post is just for general advice on marriage and our relationship.

When i wrote this eariler this morning it all came out in a rush. please forgive my horrible spelling and grammer.


Part 1

Hello all.

I've been having a rough three weeks and I need a few
unbiased sources to speak with and offer advice.

I've lurked here for a few weeks and have seen the
level of thoughtful response, so now I feel
comfortable to speak my story.

A little back ground on us. This will be relatively
long. I feel that a more complete understanding of a
person's history will foster better advice when the
time comes.

My wife and I met in Hawaii while both of us were in
the navy. It was a magical 2 weeks and I felt I had
meet a person I truly connected with.

At this time my wife was being kicked out of the
military for drug use. She comes from a broken home, a
mother on drugs and off again, who let strange people
into the house with her young daughter. Subsequently,
she was raped at a young age and her mother dismissed
it, in a selfish bid to continue her lifestyle.

The mother has been with 3 different husbands at this
date, all who left her or she them. The 1 husband, my
wife's father, is a work driven, materialistic person.
He took custody of my wife when she was 15 only to
gain tax relief. His wife did not like my wife and it
showed through prefferential treatment of the new
wifes own daughter. The father makes a 6 figure salery
owning his own business, but partied away his money on
alchohol and perscription drugs ( pill popper).

My wife had to raise her two brother and sister while
the father had his new life and the mother partied
away.

I have meet her family and I believe 100% that this is
true. There is more to her history, but i wont go into
it now, This would be a book. SUffice to say that as
of one month ago the satae of her family is this.

Father is in jail on his 4th DUI charge and wants us
to take out a loan to bail him out. This is 6 month
after her bragged to use of pulling in 2500 a week and
didn't seen a gift to his daughter on her birthday.
Her request? 200 dollars to pay for text books..she
was just accepted to college.

He calls about 20 time a day with some weird tale and
she has pretty much block him and cut him out of her
life.

We haven't been able to contact the mother or the new
boyfriend. They are both using oxycodin. A 10 year old
daughter and a 17 year old brother still live in the
house. The only person who answers the phone is a
"friend of the family" who I don't recognise.

A little over one month ago, my wife said she was
cutting them out of her life.

My background is just as pained but not so tragic.

I was born in the deep south. My parents are
interracial. Father is estrange from mother. I was
raise in a ghetto and told i was black ( mother is
very afrocentric at the time) but I have features that
make people think I am white 100% of the time. In
other words, I dont look black at all.

Father left before I was born, Mother moved us all
around, as she climbed out of the ghetto to better
things, still in the south.

I never really fit in or was accepted by the people I
met. I became reclusive and bookish. Lucky for me Im
relatively intelligent ( except fot my spelling, which
is atrocious.)

As a single mother who is a very strong willed person,
mom is a smothering , controling person. At 18 I
joined the navy for two reasons; GI Bill and to get
away on my own.

Fast forward till 4 years ago. Having problem in the
navy. Did not fit in, was not part of the crowd. The
atmosphere is similar to that of the south. I was
liberal and very outspoken about my ideals ( don't
worry i've learned not to be so liberal or outspoken
since). With few friends and waning prospects of
military fufillment, I turned to drugs for the void in
my life.

Drugs offered everything i was missing. My circle of
friend grew enormously and life was good. It was
through this circle of friends that I met my future
wife.

Now starts the story of our courtship. After we left
hawaii, I was distraught. I literally was crying. Why
you ask? The girl I feel in love with in hawaii and
who seem to return my love was spending time with a
friend of mine. Dang this is going to be long. Ill
give you the abriged version of our life.

*spent time in hawaii
*she was engage to a marine who was in the brig at the
time (drugs)
*in retrospect she was messing around with a lot of
guys
*i feel in love
*she was kicked out of the navy for drugs
*she begain to crash on the shared couch in my living
room with our circle of friends( roommates were all
drug friends, yes it was a party/crack house pretty
much)
*eventually she moved in my room as we dated but had
sex with other guy while i was out. We were dating so
i couldn't get to mad, but i specifficaly asked her
not to take people in my room an she did anyway THIS
IS IMPORTANT LATER IN THE STORY
* over a few months she became my girlfriend and was
with me i was truly happy.
* I left for seattle for 1 month. Before i left i
proposed marrige to her and she accepted. We were
heavily into drugs at this time, it was what we did
together almost every night.

*While out at sea I got a premonition. I was suddenly
hit with the feeling that things were not right, and i
didn't love fiance anymore. Panic, wrote her telling
her my sudden omnious feeling. It was a long 2 weeks
home. We wrote each other for hours, using email as
instant messaging. Let me tell you, not very instant.

*When i arrive home was warned by others that she had
had sex with a married man...in my bed. I question her
about this and she said no, never happened. I know she
was parting with him the whole time I was out and he
was a dog.

* i would ask her every few days to tell me the truth.
I actually loved her and felt i need the truth. After
two month of lies, she finally admited she had slept
with him. It was the day i wrote her and told her i
didn't love her anymore. She said it happened before i
wrote her.

* a lot of people would cut their losses here, but to
be blunt, I felt it could still work. She was
apologetic and contrite, and I felt the bond that had
warned me of this out to sea, thousands of mile
away...was, frankly, an omen. A sign of good things
between us, if you will. So i decide to give her a
second chance. I was hurt though, for a long time and
it was hard to trust her.

* about this time i came under investigation for drug
use. To shorten this, my wife and i were now living in
the same room. She had nothing, and a nowwhere job and
wanted to go to school to be a estitician( a skin care
worker)

*i was interriogated and arrested, but let go pending
trial. During this time i asked my wife to marry me
and she said yes. We were married in a courthouse very
soon.

now keep in mind, this story is very shortened and
even though in retrospec this was a rushed and stupid
decision, at the time it felt like a natural
progression of the relationship.

*I knew my trial would happen out to sea, so i left my
new wife the keys to my car and my bank card.
Instructions? Becareful with then money, we only have
1600 and i dont know what will happen at trial. Spend
only what you need for food and rent and please dont
smoke in my car( she's a smoker, im not)

* at trial i was looking at 15 year and got 2 months.
This was about 2 months after sept 11 2001. Due to the
number of AWOL's in the jail, my sentince was further
reduced to 5 days cleaning in my own bearthing.

I got on my knees that day. Thanked God. The time
leading up to trial from teh day i was interriogated,
was a time of intense personal reflection. I looked at
the decisions I had made up until this point, and
found myself wanting.

Here I was now, no GI Bill, no college to look forward
to, couldn't use my navy experience, a drug
conviction, and a new wife to take care of.

I swore off the lifestyle I had been living, and
changed myself. This was very simple for me, my
priorities had changed. No longer was I living for
myself, I now had another person, a living being who I
loved deeply, who suffered the consequences of my
actions, and now I was homeless and jobless in post
9/11 job environment.

Wow. Eye Opener.

Went i returned from the ship, thats when the fighting
started.

She had smoked in my car. She had spend $250 to get
her hair done and $500 on new clothes for her school.

We fought about finaces. We fought about me gaining 20
pounds in 1 month. We fought about me not finding a
job in Southern california. I argued i shouldn't waste
me time looking for minimum wage jobs and she argued
she shouldn't have to drop out of a school she started
1 month prior.

Mostly we argued about respect and responsibility.

I know now that she didn't respect me at all. It's
true, she was using me. It obvious from the way she
treated me, i was expendable in her quest to get what
she wanted. The money and resources I freely shared
she use for selfish gains. When we first met she use
sarcasm and belittleing words with me. I got that to
change. This is important later on.

PART 2


Ok lets fast forward this again.

*received a job offer in december in georgia
*my mom lives close in georgia so she loaned us money
to mover our belongings and my car, which was running
poorly at the time
*had taken out various loans before i left the navy
which were all past due
*weird thing, i received a 2600 payment from the navy,
hey out of work, beggars cant be choosers
*in january i was still dangleing for the job, so i
took full time work at a package store and search the
job market. this was duable because we were living
with my mother at the time so no rent was due.
*fighting and respect issues
*march 2002 i interviewed and received a great job,
working for the power industry,


SUPER FAST FORWARD
work 12 hour days 50 mile away form home, i live in
the area so wife can go to school/ work new job and be
around club culture and friends.

I slowly get back into party lifestlye at urging of
wife( she says we dont do thing anymore together)

second major wake-up call from God, 2 hours late for
work, almost fired, was laided out on the floor with
wife messed up.

This is where I reconfirmend totally getting out of
the party lifestyle.

Money problems with past due loans, and buying new
home furnishings. I had no Idea life was so expensive.

Problems with an influential individual at work. I was
still to outspoken and liberal for this good old boy.

Finally after 2 years we were in agood place. Here job
was 5 min away and she pulled in 1600 a month and i
pull in a good amount.

PROBLEM: she spends all of her money on herself. She
is not a homemaker, but a career woman, but then she
pays ZERO BILLS. We fight about this CONSTANTLY. Now i
know that one of the male needs is domentic support,
at this time it was lacking totally. SHe launders her
own cloths and i mine, and she rarly cooks, only when
i refuse to take us out. Food bills run in the 400-600
a month. Shes a vegitarian and doesnt eat fast food.

I know this is sounding one sided, but i will get to
my faults, but all of this is true.

problem at work, one person is getting laid off, but
has the option to transfer to another site.
After much discussion and fighting I decide to take
the transfer( reason, problems with the aforementioned
guy, and i was the low man on the totem pole so to
speak, so i had the feeling i would be laid off
anyway. The fight? wife was comfortable with her job
and new friends and didn't want to move. Her solution,
I give up my 401 and vesting, find a job so we didnt
have to move. Her job pulles in 50% mine did and she
wanted me to quit)

*conviced her to move to new city for transfer. Its a
smaller military town and drinking is the nightlife
here.( note wife has an adictive personally and low
alcohol tolerance) military culture is also one of
infidelity while spouse is away. After 5 years in the
navy you get to know this.

*New job is great, the average age here is 33 instead
of 48, hence i get along a lot better, great move.

*wife gets job in skin care, soon quites and by my
prodding and her was she enrolls in college for
interior design( she changed from fashion design,
photography, english major to interior design) i
totally supported this.

*i had gained another 20 pounds by this time( all that
eating out) and was starting to feel depressed. Im not
a outgoing active guy( from childhood) and the weight
was hard to deal with.It was to the point that I was
discuraged to work out at all, the weight was just so
much.

Now the entire time i notice my wife never wore here
engagement ring, just her wedding band. After my
weight gain i had to remove my band but i wore it now
and again, it was tight though. When asked why she
never wore the Ering, she responded she didn't want
people to see it( due to the fact it had a cubic
zircon in it, remember no money militry quick
wedding). I was livid. I wanted to know why that was
important. She gave me a story that i make so much,
but didn't give her a diamond now. SO like a sucker,
instead of question the absurd logic, i bought her a
diamond for christmas. She wore the ring every day
since then.

While in the new city an alarming trend begain to take
place. She mad friend with a lot of guys.

TO spare the details, i was with her but a few time
she wanted to stay at a party where mutal friend
where, and i had to go home to sleep. I trusted the
mutual frienbd to look after her.

The first time this happened, she call me at work
alter that day and told me the host of a party tried
to kiss her in the woods around his house.

I was livid. Why didn't you call me so i could come
get you right away. Why did you wait to ride with the
friend and call me at work.

Her response...i was afriad you would get angry.

I was angry. But not because of that, but because she
hid it from me. I told her so, i just want trust and
honesty. Please in the future dont hide things like
this from me.( dont't hide it because you've cheat
before)

at clubs when she drank she would go up to random guys
and rub on there chest, she claimed no memory and she
was blacked out ( she truly believes this excuses
anything).

My response to this. I'm not going to run across the
rome and pull you of some guy, that's not my job. I'm
your husband, not your boyfriend. I'm not some guy
your dating and when you want you try to make me
jealous. I'm your husband, and i love you. Have some
respect for me and fore yourself.

I'll skip another incident and get to the worst part.

I have been suffering from depression for the last 6
months. I gain so much weight, i dont see my self
advancing and getting to school, my wife i felt was
using me for her own gains, and another layoff came
and went which i avoided, but the stress was of no
help.


I lashed out at my wife because of a few reasons

First in my mind, she not a giver, shes a taker.

its all she knows. Its how she was raised and how she
identifies love. If the person isn't totally inbto her
and buying her things with zero outside intrest, she
feels the relationship is not working.

At this time i was lashing out because i wanted to
pursue my own dreams, not just be the parent to
provide for her life. I protected her, did everything
for her and i hated her for it.

And she hated me for trying to change her.

But this was not the toxic love change. I tried to
keep her off drugs, get her of drinks till blackout,
stop smoking( she wanted to stop) and to get her into
college so that she could work on her future, to
become more independant. I tried to teach her self
respect and responsibility.

No not toxic change. This was wanting the best for
someone. I cant sit by and watch the woman I love
succumb to additictions. I can't sit by and be happy
with the lack of respect shown to me. This lack stems
from her lack of self respect. She said she doest the
thing she does to get away from reality.

But she doesn't want to change i guess.

I was going out of town for two weeks starting the
first of dec 2004. We had normal relations and all
seemed fine.

The first weekend i was back, she wanted me to go out
to two clubs with a group of mutal friends. these guys
i had met once or twice and seem pretty cool.

Went clubing and i dance with her for the first time
in a long time. Had a few drinks i bought her two,
little did i know a mutal friend had bough her 2 as
well.

At the second club she talkignt o mutal friend and i
notice the glassy eyed look of drunk wife. Side note,
when she gets drunk the sarcastic, mean woman i know 3
years ago comes out, i hate when she drunk. she starts
going around rubbing up on total strangers man and
woman. I just look at her. she know i wont go yank on
her are and stop her, but i think she wants me to, to
show jealousy. Im talking to the guy who bout her
drinks, the mutal friend about how we have problems
and she drinks to mucha nd touches guy.

Well when we left the club she left my side to wasl
arm in arm with two strangers. It was then that i ran
after her and so did the other guy both of us
screaming "wife name" she fought coming back with us
to the car and nearly got arrested for public
drunkness.

at home i sleep on the couch. This is the second time
i haven't slept in bed in the last month. Eventually i
hear her cry and i go into the room to rub her back
for a bit, but im too angry and leave soon after.

The next morning she comes up to me and offer a back
rub. I hesitated for a min, and i never turned down a
back rub before.

I accept and her touch was driving me away. I tell her
what happened last night and she did the typical her
thing. I was drunk, i was blackout, i dont remember.

yeah....and you also offer backrub out of the
blue...right( this was though not said)

what was said" i wish you would take responsibility
for your actions and grow up"

I said" damn, if i could divorce you now i would,
please stop touching me"

Angry and hurt as i was I still feel for my wife and
divorce was not really on my mind. Oh well, there is
aplan for all that occures.

Went out of town for my final week of work and stayed
with my mon that weekend to spend some time with her.

I bought a book on dec 11 2004, rich dad, poor dad's
cashflow quadrant. I literally could not put the book
down. It is a very inspiring book about how only you
have the power to make your dreams come true.

As i read the book late into the night and earily
morning i begain to feel uneasy. My mind wandered and
my thoughts went back to just over 3 years prior. To
when i felt out of the blue that i didn't love my wife
anymore.

The feeling was back.

I paced. I tossed in bed. I was up and down all night.
My mother awoke and asked waht was wrong.

" I have to go home, somethings not right"

I quickly packed my bag and departed.

a 96 mile trip down the highway, it was now 6:15 in
the morning 12 DEC 2004.

all the way i was thinking what do i feel this way,
whats wrong with me.

Half way there a picture formed in my mind

"OM's at my house with my wife"

OM, the guy who had bought her two drinks last
weekend. The one i spoke to, confided in with my
problems. He was a listening friend, or so i believed.
He was also the one that ran after my wife with me
that night.

A calm fury settled. I know its an oxymoron, but it is
the most apt term to use. Halfway home i glance at the
speedometer..110mph. slow down ennui, slow down.
Forced hands to release death grip on wheel and set
cruise control to 80mph. A huge ticket but no jail
time i hoped.

Grim determination set in that i would make it there.

At 7:37 i rolled up to my apt. A 2004 BMW 5series sat
in fromt. OM's the only person in this town with that.

At 7:38 I opened the door VERY slowly. Christmas
decoration had been hung in my absense, JOY and SANTA
lin large metal stocking hangers on the kitchen
counter. Jingle bells had been hung on the door, a
warning of an intruder. Good thing i anticipated this
seconds before opening the door.

I crept back to the master bed room and opened the
door.

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: ennui ]</small>