I've read that WS say "This isn't what I wanted" and I know that my WH has said this many times.

I do not understand. Isn't the A exactly what the WS wanted? If not, then why does the WS continue & not do anything to fix it? Can someone translate what WS is really saying? Is it a form of avoiding responsibility or transferring guilt?

I've never understood... Thanks!

They never thought they would get caught. They didn't want to hurt anyone.... least of all themselves.

~ Snow

My .02

My xh used to say that. He wanted us to part friendly. He wanted me to accept his fog and go along with everything. Instead, I became distant, I severed ties with him, and the divorce was ugly...but not intentional. I did however, blow the affairs out into the light of day. He resented that big time.

He deep down wanted to eat cake for a lifetime. He is remarried and still cheating btw...cheating on the woman he married 3 days after our divorce was final. He didn't want any of this. He didn't want me to completely walk out or file. He didn't want the OW as full time partners. He didn't want the OW to get preggers. He didn't want everybody to find out how he cheated on his wife (me) and treated me so badly..He didn't want people to know how he broke into my home.

He didn't want exposure of his dark secrets basically.

They weave a web of destruction and after it's all done, they are shocked to see the devastation in their wake. When I now talk (not often) to the x, he is always nice. He is almost actually happy sounding to talk to me. I always end the conversations. I hear what he has said about me to the secretary and her husband...they told me yesterday. And it's sad. He does regret what he did. Big time. But it was so much. It was so bad. He couldn't take it back.

I think they don't change their paths because it would require them to ADMIT what they have done and STOP continuing with the self serving behaviors that WS exemplify. It is easier to do what feels good. It is hard to stop that addictive feel good high. They're addicted. When they hit rock bottom, they are shocked. My xh is now living with a woman he doesn't want to have ever married (she threatened him with custodial nightmare and also her parents if they didn't marry)and he has virtually NO relationship with me whatsoever (my choice) and a strained relationship with his son. He's lost respect of his employees and his partner and their family.

But the saddest thing is what the sec.'s husband told me yesterday when he was my patient. He said "darth said once to me that he could no longer look at you in your eyes. It hurt him too much. He couldn't stand to see you look at him the way you do now after you know everything...including the baby and the remarriage. That it hurt him so much."

But he did it didn't he?

Hi there!

Well if you want an opinion from the other side...

For some people it's total selfishness and it IS what they wanted. They WANT to be married and they WANT to have another person around. Best of both worlds in their eyes. Of course though the world doesn't work that way (thank goodness)so even if it's what they want, it rarely works out.

In my case, I didn't want what happened to happen. Then I got so caught up in the emotions that it was more painful to end the A than to be in it. It's kind of like it flip flops. First you don't want it to happen, then you can't believe that you went without the other person. It's a weird thing.

Yes, it is a way of avoiding the painful truth of adultery. I believe most people know that adultery is wrong so those that are caught up in it have to change it in their minds so they can justify their actions. It's what I did.

Anywho, that's my take on it.

Carol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I dunno, I don't seriously think that my WH wants both, I don't think he can handle both...and yet he can't decide either. He's always telling me "I'll always love you" and "I don't want to hate each other" it's retarded...lol. They don't know what the F they're talking about, chalk it up to that. They probably didn't "want" this to happen...well too late, it happened and the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The book/website etc all say that the WS is addicted to the OP, yes, this is true, but Mortarman said something today I hadn't thought of...my WH is addicted to ME, I thought you know, that Mortar guy really knows what he's talking about LOL!! He is addicted to me, who wouldn't be? I'm like candy LMAO!!!!

-Caren

bump, would like to hear more from the vets on this one.

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 07:54 AM: Message edited by: 1confusedBS ]</small>

For my FWH I think he wanted to continue having his needs met by 2 women...to keep up the secret life. He actually said to me once, "Why can't I have a wife and a girlfriend?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cuteIShot:
<strong>"This isn't what I wanted"</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that at it's core, it means that their fantasy is turning out to be reality. Or rather, reality is upsetting their fantasy.

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Well I heard that statement from my WW. Once she became FWW she told me that she had so much momentum built up heading in the wrong direction that she just couldn't stop it before it was to late.

From what she told me even though she knew it was wrong and loved me she became so worn down from the emotional termoil she had created that she just didn't have the will to break that momentum that was leading her off the cliff.

Ask a drug addict, when sober...if the drugs are all they were cracked up to be when they started. Look at the Prodical Son in the Bible. He thought his life would be better off if he left home, took his inheritance...and partied his life away. But then reality hit. And he realized that what he wanted at the time wasnt what he wanted. Does that make sense?

There is the old adage...be careful what you ask for, you might just get it.

One line in my wife's NC letter to the OM rings true here. She said: "Due to pressures in my marriage and the way my husband was treating me, I did some things that I now regret." Fog makes things look different than reality. And once the fog clears, as WS looks back and wonders "what was I thinking?"

In His arms.

I've always thought that it probably really SUCKS to be the type of WS who got caught in their "a little on the side" affair, when he/she actually does love their spouse. That's the WS who stands to lose the most from his/her affair. That's the WS who usually ends the A ASAP and makes whatever amends possible to reconcile. Thank GOD my H was that type of WS.... BUT, at the time of D-day, none of this was visable to me. I only saw the wreck of a man who I had ZERO interest in spending the rest of my life with. I mean, really, who wants to be eternally around someone as screwed up as a just-discovered WS??? They are insufferably illogical and can barely get to the end of a simple sentence without some lie or justification.

I am so grateful that I gave him a second chance. Because he and I were forced into areas of intimacy and self-evaluation by that trauma... places where were would have never willingly gone into had it not been the way to reconcile.

Life is a constant uncovering of challenges ... and sometimes, I just want to sit on the side and rest <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

Dear cuteIShot,

I think the (F)WS didn't want
- to wreck the M
- to hurt the spouse
- to be found out.

If they knew for sure that would happen, they wouldn't have an A. They have to believe "we'll never find out" and "OP will never force us to choose" and "OP will never get pregnant to make us choose" and "OP would never lie to us" etc. etc. Otherwise the bubble bursts and the fantasy lands flat on its a$$.

They want the fantasy - not reality. Not responsability. Not the consequences of their actions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Life is a constant uncovering of challenges ... and sometimes, I just want to sit on the side and rest :)Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen.