Hi everyone! I haven't been on here in a really long time. My short version of my story, I found out about my hubby's affair Aug. 20, 2002, then found out OW was pregnant Feb. 2002, we divorced March 2003, and sold our house and I haven't seen ex since July 2003. In June 2003 my ex also admitted to having a pornography addiction since the age of 12, which I had been clueless about. Since July 2003 I had not had contact with ex til recently. I have dated some since but things have not worked out. I called ex in Oct. 2004 because as a Christian, I felt like God was telling me to do this. I did and we talked about 15 min. Very civil but not a lot of substance to the conversation- I didn't ask any questions about his life or anything. Then in the past few weeks I have felt like I needed to see him. I don't know why- I feel like part of me is wanting to let go and part of me is wanting to hang on. I feel convicted that our marriage is not broken just because of his affair and our divorce- but that we are still tied. Yet I can't imagine being with him either, and I haven't even seen him in a year and a half. How could there be any possibility of reconciliation?? I emailed him and asked him if he would meet me - he said Thurs. we could meet. In the process, I also found out his daughter was born Aug. 20, 2003 (exactly a year after I found out about the affair) and I also found out he is living with OW. He had said when he left that he had to be a full time dad, so I guess he is. She has another child with her ex, last I heard she only saw that child every other weekend.
Right now the point is not OW, although he is living with her. The point is, I don't know why these thoughts are resurfacing, and I am so confused that I don't know what to say Thur. when I see him. I don't know if God is telling me to say something or do something, or if I am just making things difficult on myself by seeing him again. I just dont' want to be dating if it is God's will for me to be reconciled to my ex, but I don't know how that could happen or if I want it to happen after all this time.
Any thoughts or advice?

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adgirl48
married 11/4/00 , divorced 3/11/03
ex-H passive aggressive, addicted to pornography, affair with co-worker he knew 3 weeks, had OC.
A marriage doomed from the start if I had looked close enough and thought hard enough.
Trying as hard as possible to learn from those mistakes.
Ps. 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.