This is my first post...I'm a little nervous..heheh. Anyway, here is my story (short version)

My husband and I had this awesome marriage from the start. We always felt so connected and things just always worked for us. I know he felt this way too because he has told me. The only thing we ever argued about was my job. During certain months out of the year, I would work some long hours. I had this same job when we met and worked the same hours. He used to say that was one thing he loved about me...my work ethic and strong motivations. Anyway...we were married about 3 years and I got pregnant. We were both thrilled. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When I was 7 months pregnant, I knew something was up. He used to call me several times a day and we always said I love you millions of times a day. All of a sudden, I realized he wasn't calling me during the day and I was always the one that said I love you first. I started really paying attention and I just knew he was having an affair but had no hard proof. My baby was almost due and I just couldn't handle it emotionally at that point so I just tried to ignore it. I guess stupid me thought maybe once the baby came everything would be okay.

To make a long story short...our baby was born and things didn't really change. I finally got the proof I needed and confronted him in May 2003. He admitted what he was doing and said he had fallen in love with her. He felt neglected in our marriage because of my job and I guess also because I was so focused on our new baby. She was also in a bad marriage and the two of them began talking and hanging out together. One thing led to another...blah blah blah.

It is now almost 2 years later and my husband just moved out about 2-3 weeks ago. I just couldn't take it anymore. He is very honest with me which I really appreciate. He says he really does want things to work with us but he can't stop seeing her. He says I'm prettier, smarter, etc. but he has fun with her. She doesn't work so she can focus all of her time on him which iswhat he needs. I admit my part in this and now understand how neglected he felt but I wish I would have understood all of this several years ago. I had no idea and never felt like I was neglecting him. He also had a job where he worked some long hours.

I guess right now I feel a little relieved that we are doing something about all this. For the last 2 years I felt like I was living a lie. We were living together and other than caring for our son, hanging out with him, etc. we were living too separate lives. He told me he thinks that if he spends more time with OW, he will grow to not like her and will no longer feel guilty for breaking things off. He feels so much guilt because he broke up her family (what about ours???) He says they fight all the time and could never see himself being with this women long term. He says this is just something he needs to do to sort things out.

This feels good just writing all this down!

I don't want him to think I'm just waiting around for him because I won't do that. I'm not ready to date or anything and am just taking this time to concentrate on my son and myself. I need to figure out myself what I want.

I just found out tonight that he has been spending the majority of the nights since he left at her place and it really made me mad. (He has an apartment.) I told him that if he was going to be sleeping with her, etc. then I wanted to just end this all and I wanted to fully move on with my life. Am I wrong in this? He got so upset and said he didn't want that. He said he isn't convinced that we can't save our marriage. How am I supposed to deal with this? He isn't willing to see a counselor. Does anyone have any guidance? I guess I just really need someone to talk to. I do really love him and when we are together we get along really well. I have forgiven him for the affair and have asked for forgiveness for what I did (did not do) that drove him to that. We are past that part of all this. He said I'm still his best friend and she could never take that place. Why does he always say these things? It makes me miss him more. Ahhh...help!

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: peanut45 ]</small>

Hi, I'm sorry that you're here, but glad to meet you.

Have you read the books? His Needs-Her Needs and Surviving An Affair? You should definitely read those, because if you were sure about any of this you wouldn't be here.

I know that very few people outside of this site understand the motivation for doing a marriage builder plan, but you will find plenty of support here.

Your husband obviously loves you too, I know it seems impossible given what he's done, but he does in his own fogged out way. (We consider anything our WS [Wayward Spouse] while involved in the affair "fog" talk).

Good luck hon, and you'll get lots better advice than mine, just give it a little while.

-Caren

Sorry that you found yourself here at the Marriage Builder's site, but the good news is... it's the best place you could be with what is going on in your life.

First thing for you to do is go to your local bookstore and purchase a copy of Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley, and His Needs/Her Needs, by the same author.

Until you get the books, read all over this site, about the philosophy of Marriage Builders, and how it can and will help you save your marriage.

There are tons of very loving, caring, compassionate people who post here, and will help you. Many of them have just recently had babies, and will know just what you are going through. Sometimes the boards get really busy, and responses are slow to come, but usually there are enough of us "old timers" to help you "newbies" along.

Don't give up, and don't do anything rash, while your emotions are running wild. Educate yourself, and take actions that will empower you to have a say in your future. Post here with all your questions, or just to blow off steam. This site has saved lots of marriages, including mine!

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks for your kind words. I did read "Surviving an Affair" about a 1 1/2 years ago when all this came out and it did help me to sort out some things. I will definitely also look for that other book and maybe I should read the first book again! Sometimes I just feel like I'm reading so much and yes it does help but I guess I just needed to have some interaction with someone about this. I have some friends I talk to but most of them just think I should dump the SOB. The ones that say this have no kids and have not been through something like this before so I don't feel like they truly understand. I guess that is why I'm here...trying to find someone to talk to that does understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Peanut45;

He told me he thinks that if he spends more time with OW, he will grow to not like her and will no longer feel guilty for breaking things off.

By golly if that is not the best bit of FOGBABBLE I think I have ever seen on MB!!

The first thing that must occur is no more contact. It may have to be an ultimatum.

BUT, the average lifespan of an A is about 2 1/2 years. Maybe his is dying on the vine.

NO CONTACT!! Somehow this has to happen before any rebuilding can take place.

Do you know the OW? Is she married? Expose, expose to stop the contact.

k

Just agreeing with the previous post. Absolutely no chance of sorting our your relationship if he still is in contact with OW. He can't clear his mind while he continues to kiss her, sleep with her, argue with her etc etc.

So get tough and let him know you deserve to be number one. Easier said than done! Good luck. TT

Yes...I have met OW. She worked with my WH. She was married but has since separated from her husband due to the A. That is one reason my WH feels so guilt...he ruined her life. But..didn't she do that herself? You are right...my WH is so great at all this fogbabble. He knows just want to say. Last night when I found out that since he moved out he has been spending the nights with her, I told him I was sick of all this and I wanted to just move on with my own life. I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to figure things out (which is why he moved out in the first place) and meanwhile he is with her constantly. I know I don't deserve that. He said...so...you are going to start dating then? I said I didn't know...but at least I would be able to move on with my life and see what happens. He got really upset with that and said he didn't want me to start dating (of course not). Anyway...I definitely know that in order for us to have any chance to reconcile, he has to sever all contact with her. I'm not even willing to start trying until that happens. That is the problem. Everytime he tries to tell her that it is over and he wants to try and work things out with me, something happens with her and she "needs" him. Car accident...back problems...etc. etc. She called the house after one time he told her it was over and she was so totally drunk in a parking lot at a bar...ended up getting so worked up, she had some kind of anxiety attack and ended up in the hospital. The only person she would see if my WH. Of course! So then he felt guilty again and things started back up. This is just all so crazy...I feel like I'm in some kind of soap opera or something.

Do you know for a fact that the OW and her H are seperated? Or are you taking your WH's word for it?

Find your copy of SAA, re-read it, and read all about the exposure requirements of Plan A.

You might just find the OW's H has no knowledge of this A, and you've been duped. You need to contact her H and compare notes, and get information first hand. Also, draw "concentric circles" around your H, and consider telling all of his friends in the circle "closest to his center" that may have some positive impact on "helping" him see that ending the A is the right thing to do. Include his parents in this first "round" of exposure.

The MB philosophy is viable and it works. Re-acquaint yourself with the program, post here for help or venting, and show your H by your ACTIONs you are "there" for him.

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Whoops, double post.....

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thanks for all the input. I know for sure that the OW's husband knows. He had sent me an email several months ago...making sure I knew what was going on. I really didn't want to have anything to do with him at that time and didn't even respond back to the email. Maybe I should have but I just felt like I was sick of all this he said/she said stuff. Everyone lies constantly and who do you believe? I guess I just didn't want to get one more person involved. Everything he said in the email, I already knew. I know my H has lied to me in the past but over the last year/year and a half, he has been brutally honest. I told him that is the least I deserve...just tell me the truth and stop lying to me. I guess I will never know if he is really doing this but based on some of the questions he has answered and some of the things he has willing admitted, etc., I feel like he is finally being honest with me. Who knows...

Thanks for all the input. I know for sure that the OW's husband knows. He had sent me an email several months ago...making sure I knew what was going on. I really didn't want to have anything to do with him at that time and didn't even respond back to the email. Maybe I should have but I just felt like I was sick of all this he said/she said stuff. Everyone lies constantly and who do you believe? I guess I just didn't want to get one more person involved. Everything he said in the email, I already knew. I know my H has lied to me in the past but over the last year/year and a half, he has been brutally honest. I told him that is the least I deserve...just tell me the truth and stop lying to me. I guess I will never know if he is really doing this but based on some of the questions he has answered and some of the things he has willing admitted, etc., I feel like he is finally being honest with me. Who knows...