Had kind of a funky night with my fww, but ended with cuddling before she went to work and no question we are going to make it..just one of my bad days.

She never did a NC letter with the OM, just stopped calling him or answering when he called. Last time they physically (not sexual) saw each other was in November, but they talked on the phone a few times a week for a few minutes up through the second week of December. Since then, OM continues to call her cell phone a couple of times a week, she shows me he has tried to call and doesn't answer. This irritates the hell out of me, but I really didn't want to push her to talk to him since she really had no desire to do so. Well, I sent him an email and told him that I knew he was trying to call, that she wouldn't be answering and please to walk away from this with some dignity. He responded that if she was totally committed to our M, why couldn't she tell him so and asked if I was afraid to 'let her talk to him'.

I showed her his email and told her that I need her to call him one final time and tell him it is over. She got upset with me and said that she didn't want to drag any of this into the new year and that I should just let it go. 'You obviously won' she said.

I told her that I really didn't see how there were any winners in this mess and that while she may see this as dragging things back out, they had never been put away for me. I told her I need this closure and feel I deserve it. So long as he doesn't believe it's completely over, I worry about him seeing her out and following her into a parking lot, coming to the house when I am gone, etc. etc...

She asked why we couldn't just change her cell number? I told her we may do that as well, but I needed for her to do this for me first. She agreed to do so, and wants to call him in the morning when she knows he will be in meetings and leave a voicemail on his cell. I agreed that this would be ok.

Did I LB her? I don't want her talking to the [censored] any worse than she wants to talk to him, but I do feel that I deserve this closure...

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

Hoosier:

I don't think so, that should've been taken care of a long time ago, I don't know how great the "calling" idea is, I think the NC letter would still be best, and hell yeah change those numbers and e-mails. I fully plan on changing my home number if/when we reconcile and his cell phone, will I have him change the number...I don't think so, I think I'll just stomp it into dust <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Well, I am not so pleased at the thought of them talking either, but given the tenacity of this scum, I don't think the letter will do the job. He will just assume it's really me writing the letter, not her.

I think he will have to hear it from her mouth, and since she nor I want them meeting in person, a phone call seems best. If she can catch a time when she knows he won't answer and leave a voice mail, that may be the best bet.

HH,

There is a NC form letter somewhere on the MB site. The letter is formally and legally written explaining the rules of NC and consequences if contact is made. USE THE LETTER.

Find an attorney's letterhead.

No more phone calls. She is NOT answering his calls and shows them to you when he calls! This should please you, rather than piss you off.

Do not have her call him...HE THEN IS WINNING!

Try to make it you and her against the creep.

Stay strong,

EDITED TO READ: He will just assume it's really me writing the letter, not her. Dude, who gives a flying fruitcake what the hell this scumbag assumes. Do not even think of him as like us.

k

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 01:04 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

HH can you use exposure to retrain OM from contacting your W ?

You will never recovery while there is contact, even answering the phone and saying 'NO!' is too much contact.

Wow, maybe I am really off track here.

The goal is to let the creep know once and for all that this has ended. My concern was not at all for his feelings, but to deliver that message loud and clear. My concern with a NC letter would be that he would think I wrote it rather than her and that he would keep trying to contact her.

I thought a simple message from her on his voicemail saying, 'It's over, don't call me anymore, there is nothing more to talk about' would be as clear and non-confrontational as possible?

Hi, HH. IMHO, your W is doing well. She is not answering the phones. SHe is not responding. That is a good thing. I agree that calling is throwing the NC right out of the window. Back to Day 1. I understand that you NEED this. But, you HAVE your W back. She is doing NC. Are you willing to risk that precarious start by insisting on contact?

Is it possible this is a control thing for you? Is it possible that this is you testing her? Not a 2 by; just something to think about.

What is more imortant? Working on your R with W? Or trying to FORCE W to make a call she doens't want to make? WIll that help your R or just you?

I think NC is NC......I'm sure you two are having a rough time of it as it is, and having her contact him, I believe will set you back.

The only contact I want with my WH's OW is my fist contacting her skull.

-Caren

I suppose you are correct.

It may be my ego getting the better of me. It's not a matter of me testing her, but a matter of the [censored] OM testing me..

'Are you afraid to let her talk to me?'

Probably just got my male hormones raging. I have exercised what I consider incredible restraint by not beating the hell out of this scumbag, then he sends me that.

Thank you for beating some sense into me, MB friends, I will tell my wife straight away that I do not wish for her to call him and apologize.

How do you deal with the thought of the [censored] being out there thinking that he may still have a chance with my wife? That just hangs over my head and drives me insane. I suppose, like Bob, I just need to get over it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
How do you deal with the thought of the [censored] being out there thinking that he may still have a chance with my wife? That just hangs over my head and drives me insane. I suppose, like Bob, I just need to get over it?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's not much you can "do" to deal with or get over this part of it. That just comes with time.
If you're W is really committed to you and your M, then try to focus all of your attention on that instead of the fact that OM is "out there". He's not worth the thought.

HH,

I think you made the right move. The OM was baiting you. You're right...his crack was a jab at your ego. Your OM likely believes that if he can have one more conversation with your wife - even if it's the guise of a goodbye - he'll be able to plead his case and she'll take him back.

I think the NC letter is the next step. Make it clear that it comes from BOTH of you.

Also, Bob's idea is a good one. Use exposure or whatever other leverage you have to convince the guy to keep his distance.

That worked pretty well for me. My wife's OM tried to contact her through a friend shortly after D-Day. WHen he did, I contacted his wife and told her things about the A that he hadn't told her. Also, I called him at work.

His wife later told me that I nearly got him fired.

I responded in an email to both of them that if he contacts her again, I WILL call his boss again...and I won't stop until he is ruined.

That was harsh, maybe. But...it seemed to do the trick. We've heard nary a peep from him for nearly three months.

HH,

I hope you are getting the message now. NC is NC! Re-read all the Harley stuff on their website and his books. ANY contact starts the withdrawal period all over again. Do you want her to have to start all over again? Do you want her to go thru that pain? She doesnt want to contact him because she knows what it will do to her. Please, listen to her on this one.

But, she also needs to listen to you. You need for this jerk to go away...to get the message. That is why you have to have the Plan B letter sent from her, jsut as the Harley stated.

When my wife first came home almost two years ago, I insisted on this. But she ignored it, and said "Dont worry about it...he is gone...you won." But guess what? I did worry about it. It ate at me. And, as I will do in my update post soon, he came back into the picture and pushed us to the brink of divorce (we actually went to court for the beginning of the custody hearings). She may think this is nothing...but it is everything to you.

You know, you had to take the time to learn what a WS is all about, what it was that made her do this, what she is going thru. Well, she needs to do the same concerning you as a BS. She needs to come here. She needs to go to counseling (maybe with the Harley's). She needs to read their books. She needs to understand you and what you are going thru. She needs to understand your needs and want to meet them. She needs to come here and read this website, and even post so that all of the FWSs can help her understand herself, and you.

She needs to understand why she did what she did...and why it is important to write that Plan B letter. It isnt just to get the guy to stop calling. It is also the first payment of reparations to the BS. You know, when our counselor finally got her to agree to a Plan B letter being sent...I was relieved. I was relieved even before she actually sent it (the counselor gave her a week to put it together and then show me...and then mail). The very fact that the counselor was able to get her to see what I couldnt get her to see helped me to have hope that she will finally "get it." It also helped me start believing in my wife again, and that we can make this.

So, the Plan B letter MUST go out, as outlined in SAA. But never, ever insist she has any contact with the OM. It is great that she is tellign you when he tries to call. She is right...time to get the cell number changed. And any other thing that will allow her to be in contact with the OM. She WANTS you to help her do this. She knows that she cant contact him, and that if she does, she will be back in her mess. Please listen to her...and help her. And I am sure, she will help you.

In His arms.