Ok, so my STBXW/WW tells me yesterday that she thinks that she doesn't want a divorce. Her IC told her to put OM aside while she worked on the M because she needed to be 100% sure she wanted a D or else she would regret it for the rest of her life. She told me that she thought she should do that.

Now, she doesn't know that I know the password to her email account. I saw she sent her OM an email just a few hours prior to telling me she wants she doesn't want a D and needs to put OM aside, how much she misses him and that she loves him. Obviously I will judge her by her actions and not just her words, but this is pretty frustrating because if I didn't know her password, and were able to read some of her email I might actually believe her and be reeled back in.

I plan on treading cautiously, but wonder if anyone here has some suggestions?

Thanks

I'm not sure what answer your looking for but here's how I dealt with my fence sitting, cake eating H 3 1/2 years ago.

I knocked the fence down so he couldn't sit on it.....and I ate all the cake myself.

He wasn't too happy that the cake was gone either.

Enlilghten me Miss Priss, how did you do that? I want to knock the fence down and eat all the cake too.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Am I any better than her? ]</small>

Hey...

You know the drill. First, are you in Plan A or Plan B. I know you are divorcing...but which plan are you in.

If you are in Plan B...then she knows the deal...or should because she has the Plan B letter that outlines what needs to be done. Simply enough.

If you are in Plan A...then she still must get rid of OM thru a NC letter and do the other things she needs to do to move forward.

Now, to your question on cake eaters. Dr. Harley says that at the time they become cake eaters, that they dont know which way to go...while they still have good thoughts of your Plan A in their minds...that is when you go dark in Plan B.

So, if she is cake eating, you tell her the deal on what she has to do. If she wont (of course she will say she CAN'T!), then issue a Plan B letter and go dark and proceed forward with the divorce.

Then wait on her to make a decision...or the divorce. When my update comes out to my situation shortly, you will see that it literally took me taking my cake eating wife to court, to going into a full Plan B...to her losing custody of our children to me...to wake her up. Since that happened, she has been to counseling almost twice a week. She has written the NC letter. We have moved back in together. She is affectionate. She says "yes" to my requests and to the direction of the counselor, instead of the stonewalling she did before.

You see, you must show her what her future holds. Then you must take it all away sometimes for the cake eater to make a move. While they are cake eating, there is little incentive for them to stop. Once you take away your portion of the cake, they will be in pain. They will look to OP. OP will not be able to, nor want to, meet those needs that you were. OP will resent the whining and clinginess (I know that isnt a word...but work with me here) and it will turn OP off to the WS. And the WS will lose a lot of that fog they had towards the OP. They will begin to see the truth.

So, did you do a good Plan A? Are you ready for Plan B? Do you have your PBL ready?

In His arms.

Well, I did a pretty crappy plan A for 3 months and now realize it. I think I have gotten a handle on my pain and anger and will continue a new plan A which I think will be much more effective. I think it already has been actually. In mid. Feb we have a court date and I may be moving out shortley after that and if that is the case I will plan B at that time.

OK....I'll tell ya how I did it......but that doesn't mean that it will work for you. Just posting from my own experiences only. I will also warn you.....I was NOT a good Plan A'er.....and don't always follow ALL of MB's Principles.

The first thing I did....was get mad.

I had to.....in order to do what I had to do...for me.

I got tired of waiting for my H to make a decision.....while he sat on the fence eating cake.

I got so tired of all of it that I told my H that I was done. Told him that I didn't believe that he would tell the OW to get lost....even laughed in his face when he said he would and said...."I'll believe it when I see it, but for now.....I'm done."

I took myself out of the picture. Made myself scarce.....which was kinda hard to do since we have 3 kids. But...I did it....and it was the best decision I could have made.

NOT because my H eventually decided to work on the marriage.....but because it made ME feel better.

Now....my H dawdled a little and took his own sweet time telling the OW to get lost.....took enough time for me to "get over it" almost completely....because I ended up filing for divorce....to protect myself and our daughters.

BUT....what really got him was when I did exactly what he'd been telling me to do for months......which I don't suggest......go on a date....find someone new.

I did it.....and he didn't like it. There is actually a post from WAY back from the day after that date....about my H's behaviour on that day...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ....it wasn't what anyone expected.

Anyway....in a nutshell. Don't get anywhere near the fence and don't bake any cakes.

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

Mrs. Priss- besides the date thing you pretty much did Plan B- see you follow the MBers program with out really knowing it!!

I did almost the same thing as Mrs. Priss without knowing it. After 6 or so months of H telling me we were done, and then taking it back. GOing on and on about how great the OP was, and that I needed to move on, I did. I stopped calling him, I stopped waiting around for him, I started dancing, and going out, and hanging out with friends. I even filled out the divorce paperwork to file- twice (H distroyed the first set <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> even though he said that was what he wanted). A few months later I was enjoying my life, I was actually happy with out H, and just talking to him did nothing to me anymore, H noticed. Got scared. Dumped the OP and came asking for another Chance. WARNING- DO NOT take your Wife back right away if she choses to come back. Make her show you she is serious, have her do some work first. I let my cake eating fence sitting Husband back way to fast and now he thinks he owns the world, and can treat me any way he wants, hit on women, go out all the time, and ignore me, and I will never leave. If he only new my plan.

KMEJ, that's just it. My WW will have to show me she is serious before I take her seriously. I know she is playing both sides of the fence right now and it pisses me off a bit, but at least I know it and can not let myself get dragged back into another false recovery.

good for you. I will be like that too, once I get up the guts to walk away, Right now my H has pictures of all kinds of girls on his phone, talks to girls on the phone, treats me poorly, most of his spare time with friends, will not take a day off for two of his son's birthday party (one is 8 tomorrow, the other 2 in a week)- but will take the next day off to watch play offs. Basically he is not the man I married and thinks I owe him the world since he came back to me.
I admire your strength. Good for you, be careful, be strong.

Write down what you expect, what will need to happen before you take her back, and do not waver until they are all met. Just a thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. Priss- besides the date thing you pretty much did Plan B- see you follow the MBers program with out really knowing it!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually......I modified Plan B to work for me.....but since there is no modified Plan B...well.....guess I didn't ever go to Plan B.....by the way.....Plan A....well....I didn't do too well at that either. Can't seem to keep my mouth shut......and came to think that I was the QUEEN of LB's.....literally.

When I say I made myself scarce....it was to the point where I didn't make myself available to my H in the ways that HE wanted. I didn't cut off ALL contact with him. I didn't go "dark".

I took control of the situation instead of letting him have all the control.

IMHO.....Plan B is almost impossible to keep up if children are involved. There HAS to be communication if children are involved....and even if talking to the WS about the children....well.....even in their "foggy" state, that's enough for them to think that the door is cracked enough for them to sneak back in. I also think that not enough thought is put into going to Plan B sometimes....when going completely dark is suggested. Most of the time it wakes the WS up and they start to come around.......but one always has to be aware of the fact that it also may give the WS the opportunity to decide that the BS is "over it" and move on. I think too much emphasis is put on how it will work to get the WS back....and not enough on how it could also end the marriage.

That's just my opinion though. Some WS's see it as playing a game.

Like I've said.....I took what worked for me and used it.

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>