I guess you could say I'm a lurker. I've been in and out of here for quite some time but haven't posted much.
Brief history, I am a BS. My H had his fling (at least the one that I am aware of) 5 1/2 years ago. I found out 100% (confession from him after I presented him with evidence of it) 1 year after the fling had ended.
He professed his love and remorse, we went to MC for about 4 months, I went into a deep depression for about 9 months and somehow compartmentalized the whole thing in order to survive and keep living.
Unfortunately, his promises never held up, except for being a better parent and he did give up all of his sports activities which included post game trips to the bars with the "guys" which lead to the fling in the first place.
Here's the dilemma:
He still flirts unmercifly. He loves and craves attention and gets it all the time because he's handsome, funny and very social.
When he flirts and carries on with our mutual friends, I usually don't get irritated or insecure unless it goes too far. However, I guess in the aftermath of such a HUGE life altering revelation...the affair...I seemed to have stopped caring about myself and really have let myself go. I gained a lot of weight...40lbs...and seriously have not really done anything to regain my self esteem. I was one of those do it all, nice, lovely, caretaking wives who never believed in a lifetime that any man, let alone MY man would ever even think of cheating on me. He had NO reason to at all and openly admitted that it was an affair of opportunity...she came on strong...younger than me, petite and needy, telling him how WONDERFUL he was and how unreasonable it was of me to demand he spend more time with his family.
No excuse I know but he did it.
Well, this New Years Eve, he was working at a club Djing...his second job and of course I went along with him as many of our mutual friends would be there and we've never spent a NYE apart in 11 years. I went out and bought what I thought was a very classy, flattering outfit, did the hair, the make up , you name it and I felt really good, to spite the extra pounds. Not one "You look great honey" did I hear.
Then came the landslide.
I'm sitting at our reserved table, awaiting the guests that we were expecting and from my table I had a very clear view of him which I thought was nice because we usually don't get to spend a lot of time together when he's working because, well, he's working.
Our friends arrive and I look up and smile at him and well, he's preoccupied talking to a couple females, one of which is the bar maid. So, I watch for about 20-30 seconds, waiting for him to look over when what do I see but my husband's hand on the bar maid's butt.
The Bar maid, who looked like she had spent about 15 minutes getting ready, in her jeans and low cut black sweater.
Something snapped. I got up from the table...now mind you, I do not know this chick at ALL. She is a complete stranger to me but she obviously knows my husband well enough for him to put his hand on her rear end.
I got up, marched up to the DJ table and told him that if he wanted to play with her rear end, to do it later and not to F*** up my NYE. She ran for the bar.
Well, instead of an apology, I got an attitude and of course, I am overreacting as usual.
Well, I ended doing something I've neevr done before...I threw my wedding rings at him and spent the rest of the evening enjoying myself with our friends, who I also enlisted to drive me home.
I WOKE UP FOLKS. I realized that it's not about him and it never has been. Even when I was thin and a doting, loving wife and mother, HE CHEATED.
Now, here I am 5 years later and it's still not about him.
No resolution here I just woke up and since New Year's day, I've completely changed my perspective. I've been so in tune with ME and getting my old self back. Starting with my weight, my self worth and finally realizing that this man is who he is and once I finish with this journey, it won't matter a little bit anymore how he behaves because I will be myself again and honestly, I am NOT the selfless sad sack I was...thin and pretty or not, that I was when he cheated.
So, wish me luck on this self improvement journey and to anyone else out there who had a wake up call...I wish you all the same.
I'm taking my life back.
He's still here and I'm still not wearing my rings. I don't even know if he found them nor do I care right now. They were just a symbol to me anyway that I HAD to tolerate such poor treatment for all of the years I've been a loving, loyal wife.
God Bless.
