Not in a plan as such but am separated. My WH has hardly seen the children since we parted and I want to set up a proper schedule. They need to see their dad and after one of my children had a major meltdown last night, I need to sort things out. I hate that I am left with all the homework - I want to play card games, monopoly etc but there's always frigging homework. One of my daughters is a struggler at school and it is always a drama getting pen to paper.

So I want him to come midweek once a week to spend time getting to know his daughters again and HELPING WITH THE HOMEWORK! They have been so neglected because of his work and his affair. He wouldn't know who their teachers are or their friends. Is this normal?

I figured I could have a meal ready for him so he really spends time with the girls, not fussing around in the kitchen. I will go out and make that night a regular event - maybe a game of squash - and just leave them alone.

The alternative is they go to him and I don't want them to have contact with OW. I don't trust her to leave them alone. She behaved sooo badly in the past with phonecalls to my kids and me.

Does this sound reasonable. I haven't mentioned it to him yet. I can't believe it's me having to instigate this. Arsehole.

Hi tt,

I am sorry you and your kids are suffering through this.I have two girls myself and I have had to take over every responsibility that my WH and I used to share.Although he didn't do nearly as much as I since I was a SAHM for many years.

However,it was nice having SOME help with the kids but you know what,the way my WH is now,I am not sure I like him around the kids anyway.The girls definitely need to be with and see my WH and I will never interefere with that as long as they are safe and happy.But,when he is here,he can be controlling and acts like a "supervisor" which I do not appreciate and I tell him so.We are not his employees and just typing this reminds me that I am so glad that I do not have to witness this anymore.I can tell him that sorry,we don't have to listen to this.We have our own routines now.

So,basically what I did,and always do is go into overdrive and master the situation.I think partly it's in my nature and also part of my training.Being an RN I was used to being in control/charge of a very busy Cardiac Surgery unit and I do so much better when I am "running the show" as they say,same at home.I think maybe my WH felt that he wasn't needed sometimes or was resentful of the way I managed the family.But I could never understand that.We had a very loving but firm parenting style that has really paid off for our children.I was always a very involved mother and will always be.In a sense I never quite felt appreciated for that fact.It was more about my sulking WH who felt sorry for himself instead of appreciating what a great family we had going.

I think maybe you could try to do this yourself tt.I know helping kids with homework when they are struggling is a challenge but your D needs you most now.Homework,as you know,is a vital part of their schooling and future.You need to find some balance there.I just feel that if you try to rely on your WH that everyone is going to be let down.At this point,if your WH is away,it may be hard to initiate homework help from someone who is acting selfish.Sure it's his responsibility,absolutely,but you cannot force a WS/parent to be involved with the kids.We all have read how their relationships with the children tank because they are so wrapped up in the OP and their own little fantasy.Kids suffer and it's just tragic.

Anyway,I don't think you shouldn't try and set up a regular routine for your WH to see his kids.He should already be doing this but if you have to be the one to get his butt going then do try.Just keep in mind your own feelings.I know that when my WH comes to the home to see the kids,I hate it,with a passion.He is no longer welcome here since he is still involved with the homewrecker(I think) and his own selfish world.I nor my children should be exposed to someone like that but thankfully my WH does have some quality time with them,which I encourage when I can.

I can understand your frustration,really I do.But the kids needs come first and do what you can to help them through this terrible time.Talk with the teachers.Maybe they can help out too.

Good luck

O

TT: My WH sees our kids but it's really not "quality" time. He doesn't know their friends or their teachers. He doesn't have a clue what's going on in their lives. For Pete's sake, he still thinks that what he's done, doing, will do has no affect on the kids.

Sometimes, I resent being the one left in the trenches but I'm glad I'm there for my kids. If you look at families where both parents are selfish, absorbed in themselves and ignore their families, you see kids with really big problems. In the end, the kids will know who is there for them.

Personally, I think you should schedule a way to take a break. Midwifing a little time between WH and kids is good for everybody. A homework night might be good but also a night where he takes them to do something fun. OW would probably never come to a homework night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It could be your husband just doesn't know a way to be a part of his kids' lives. My WH got mad at me after Christmas when I asked him why he never thought to take the kids Christmas shopping. He said why didn't I mention it before Christmas. Duh! I guess we do have to think of everything.

TT, you need a little "me" time. If you're putting out stuff from yourself all the time, you will run out unless you put something back in. A game of squash, a drink with a friend, even a long walk is good. You will come back refreshed. If you don't do something for yourself, resentment can quickly build up.

Have you talked to your kids' teachers? Maybe if they know about your situation, they can help your girls better. Maybe there are some resources at the school, like tutoring or study groups that could help you.

Thanks ladies for your replies.
Octobergirl - My husband also felt he wasn't needed at home but I think it's one of things he thought up to justify his affair. His behaviour towards his children bordered on neglect because he was in such turmoil with the affair going on. The way I see it, he's the big boy here, they are just little girls. It was up to him to nurture their relationship. Because he wasn't, I probably over-compensated with them - I was the fun, loving one; he was the strict, miserable one. However, I also recognise that it did give us some kind of balance.

I think my WH feels overwhelmed by guilt with the kids. He was a fantastic dad when they were smaller, especially with our first daughter. I think he doesn't know how to interact with them now. I'm so disappointed in him yet I think it will be up to me to try and get the ball rolling. I was very stirred up by my youngest daughter having a complete meltdown the other day. It started over the Tsunami and went along the lines of how she is just like all those little kids who've lost a parent(s) because we'll never have a proper family again. Did you see my post in Idiotville? Heart-wrenching stuff.

Grapegirl, I find the evenings the worst. So I really need to swallow my pride and ask for help. I can pay a babysitter, but dad should get first option. I hope he takes that as a compliment. So maybe one week he can do homework, the next something fun. He is also able to see them on a Sunday if he chooses.

I've got a terrible guilty feeling hanging over me at the moment. Even though he had the affair, it was me who wanted to separate (with justification - he never changed any behaviour and still kept contact). I just feel like we started as a team and have let our daughters down so badly. He has horrible health problems which will lead him to kidney dialysis and I don't want to be his nursemaid. But maybe he has found the love of his life and she'll be there for him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .