Any thoughts or suggestions on how to deal with jealousy?

It that jealousy after your partner had an A?
If so, I'm not sure that really qualifies as just "jealousy". I think it's perfectly normal to have strong feelings of anxiety if, for example, your FWH is flirting with some woman (or some woman with him). It doesn't matter how innocent it is. There are things I wouldn't have thought of twice before the A, but that really bother me now and that I don't want my H to do - things that could classify under "jealousy".

If this is not related to the A - I would look inside myself and find the reasons for me feeling so uncertain about my partner's behavior. What am I afraid of? Do I feel inferior? If so, why? Etc. A therapist could be of help here, because such deep-rooted feelings are difficult to sort out by yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
<strong> Any thoughts or suggestions on how to deal with jealousy? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I heard this the other day, see if it resonates with you...

Jealosy is the anxiety you feel when you fear that you are easily replaceable.

Pep

I guess I should have been more specific. I meant jealousy thinking about the past A, along with anger.

Are you asking how to deal with your feelings???

Well, you feel them. Not necessarily act on them.

Pep

Yeah.

I had similar thoughts. Still do to an extent. But guess what? The more I spend time with my wife. The more intimate interactions, the more the OM fades into the past.

Let me ask you a question? Take some woman you had a relationship with years ago? Do you remember much about it? Or did your subsequent relationships kind of push that to the back of your mind?

The human brain has a remarkable capacity of forgetting...or at least changing the past. Especially hurtful things. To the point that we begin to wonder if it ever really happened.

I talked to a couple one time that had gone thru this 20 something years ago, and they said that they look at each other now and actually feel like that the affair and the mess didnt really happen. They know it did. But, the way they have treated each other over the last 20 years has left them with so much love, that it makes it unbelievable to their minds that it is possible that this loving person could have hurt them so bad.

In His arms.

So, ride it out, would be the answer?

Thanks

Interesting observation, Mortarman.

Would this then apply to a relationship that WS has with OP as well? Let's say, WS leaves the marriage for the OP. Doesn't the former marriage partner over time fade away and not much is remembered about the marriage, infidelity and pain?

In a way, I think it contradicts what MB is saying as to relationship that are build upon deceit, lies (aka. the extra-marital affair) have a slim chance of survival.

Just curious...

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong> Yeah.

Let me ask you a question? Take some woman you had a relationship with years ago? Do you remember much about it? Or did your subsequent relationships kind of push that to the back of your mind?

The human brain has a remarkable capacity of forgetting...or at least changing the past. Especially hurtful things. To the point that we begin to wonder if it ever really happened.

In His arms. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Kati,

Yes and no to your question. Yes, over time...things about the BS are forgotten, especially if they are separated and in Plan B.

But guess what? The relationship with the OP is built on lies and deceit. By being in that relationship fulltime, all it will do is expose that even more. Which is why those relationships do not work out.

But, the forgetting part with the WS for the BS...this is a good thing. Why? Because they forget the ancient past first, before the recent past. So, if you did a good Plan A, then the first things the WS will forget are the things that you did before that put the marriage in crisis and the reasons why they sought someone else. They will begin to only remember who you have been recently. This is why a Plan B really does need a good Plan A.

So, I believe this square exactly with MB principles.

In His arms.

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
<strong> So, ride it out, would be the answer?

Thanks </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suggest you journal your thoughts.

Pep

Pepper has a good thought there. Also, it isnt so much of riding it our as it is, when you feel those things or think those things...you refuse to dwell on them. MAKE yourself concentrate on the good things. MAKE yourself believe the good things. Fake it until you make it.

In His arms.

Thanks guys

I see; this makes sense. For the past year, I have worked REALLY hard on myself and I've basically turned my life around. My WH's A is over, NC letter is now finally in place and from what I can tell there is NC. We are currently seeking christian MC.

But, I'm scared... I don't know why, don't know why NOW, but I am...

I often wonder if I will be able to ever let go and forget. I want to, but there is this immense fear of wanting to protect my life.

BTW, I read your story and I'm very happy that you and your wife made. Hats off!

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong> Kati,

But, the forgetting part with the WS for the BS...this is a good thing. Why? Because they forget the ancient past first, before the recent past. So, if you did a good Plan A, then the first things the WS will forget are the things that you did before that put the marriage in crisis and the reasons why they sought someone else. They will begin to only remember who you have been recently. This is why a Plan B really does need a good Plan A.

So, I believe this square exactly with MB principles.

In His arms. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Kati,

I also have that fear. We all do. But I have to keep telling myself it is a lie. That the Lord is leading this...and fear is not what He wants for us.

He will heal us. Concentrate on what is good, what is true.

In His arms.

I guess, it is normal to feel like this and it's good to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this fear and the doubts.

Sometimes, I wonder how it would be to just move away, far away, and just start over.

Sometimes I look at my friends and none of them have ever known this kind of pain, hurt and rejection and I feel envious. I know it's silly, but I'm ashamed of feeling this way. I also feel tainted. I used to look at love in such a innocent way and now it's gone.

I am, however, much more aware of everything now; the things that are important and meaningful in a marriage and relationship. How to recognize and fulfill needs. I will NEVER be so blind and naive again.

I have often shut God out of my life before and this has brought me closer to Him. Probably not as close as I should be, but I'm making my way. I find comfort in praying to God and asking for His guidance.

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong> Kati,

I also have that fear. We all do. But I have to keep telling myself it is a lie. That the Lord is leading this...and fear is not what He wants for us.

He will heal us. Concentrate on what is good, what is true.

In His arms. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Kati,

Do not envy those that havent gone thru this like you. Why? Because look at how close you have gotten to the Lord. Look at what He has been able to accomplish thru you and to you. That would not be possible without the "fire." Gold is purified thru fire. And you probably would have never gotten to where you are in your relationship to Him, if it wasnt for your trials.

Learn to thank Him for those trials and what He is doing to you and for you in them!! Then you will have peace that transcends all understanding.

In His arms.

Thank you! I guess I needed to hear that. Today is one of those days that I question everything. Maybe it's the weather here in VA?

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong> Kati,

Do not envy those that havent gone thru this like you. Why? Because look at how close you have gotten to the Lord. Look at what He has been able to accomplish thru you and to you. That would not be possible without the "fire." Gold is purified thru fire. And you probably would have never gotten to where you are in your relationship to Him, if it wasnt for your trials.

Learn to thank Him for those trials and what He is doing to you and for you in them!! Then you will have peace that transcends all understanding.

In His arms. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I am in VA also...and the rain sucks right now! making everythign gloomy.

Yeah, it does. It's supposed to get better next week, more spring-like in the 70's. Keep your fingers crossed!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong> I am in VA also...and the rain sucks right now! making everythign gloomy. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">