It's just hard seeing that my friends have husbands who take care of them and give them things and they look at me and say I don't know what I would do if I was in that situation when the truth of the matter is they don't want to be in my situation. The husbands take care of most of bills and give them money when they need it. They are feminine in every way. I feel like a husband and not a woman.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The husbands take care of most of bills and give them money when they need it. They are feminine in every way. I feel like a husband and not a woman.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Being an equal provider to your family DOESN'T make anyone less feminine.


That's a very strange observation.

I've never read what your husband's needs were, what your children's needs were. Isn't that odd ? [/QB][/QUOTE]

I've always took care of their needs and most of their wants. I understand what you are saying and I accept it totally. I know I am selfish and need to work on it. There is always an underlying truth in everything. How can I put my husband and kids first when I don't feel positive about the situation. I am assuming you must be a man because men always jump on a woman who has affair. I LIKED IT, I DID IT. Trying to learn to move on without him being in the picture anymore. No one is going to make me feel bad about what I did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong> It's just hard seeing that my friends have husbands who take care of them and give them things and they look at me and say I don't know what I would do if I was in that situation when the truth of the matter is they don't want to be in my situation. The husbands take care of most of bills and give them money when they need it. They are feminine in every way. I feel like a husband and not a woman. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand this. You have alot on your shoulders. This is not fair but it is what it is.

Believe it or not every marriage goes through some very rough times. No one gets a smooth easy ride.

But you have to make the best of a bad situation...make choices in the best interest of yourself, your children and the man you married.

I think you do know what`s right but you just don`t know how to go about doing it. And that`s not necessarily your fault. You`re young and this is NOT what you expected from your life.

This whole experience as difficult as it is is going to teach you some valuable lessons. You can use this to become a better person.

Your H needs your love and support now. You can learn how to give him this. MB will be good tool to use. Your H also needs to see a professional about his depression. You may have to arrange this for him.

No one source is going to be able to provide you will all the help the two of you will need. You will need to make a kind of "list" of issues to be addressed and work your way down it one issue at a time.

I think if you can address all the problems here you will find yourself happier and more at peace with yourself and the situation.

[/QUOTE]Being an equal provider to your family DOESN'T make anyone less feminine.


That's a very strange observation. [/QB][/QUOTE]

Maybe you didn't read or understand my eariler post I take care of the financial situation in my home; it is one thing to be equal and another to be the sole bread winner. God did not intend for it to be like that!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How can I put my husband and kids first when I don't feel positive about the situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F.M. - It is up to YOU to look for the positive. Do you think your husband "feels" positive about the situation? Do you think he feels that it is "fair" how his life is right now? Would you like to trade places with him right now?

F.M., nobody is trying to "make you feel" bad. You said you realize you are selfish and need to work on that....now is the perfect time! NOW! In this situation! Sometimes God allows tough times into our lives to cultivate character and growth in us. If you were to pray to God to help you be less selfish, He wouldn't magically take away your selfishness....He would place things in your life that would give you the perfect opportunities to "practice" unselfishness.

You are young, you've had a lot of "bad breaks", and you've made mistakes. You only need to recognize the mistakes, then learn from them. You don't need to "feel bad" about them. Probably most of us have had rough times in our lives as well. (Geez, that's an understatement!) Any of us could use the excuse that we never have our needs met. I used that one myself! Being a wife and mother is no small job, and I recognize how hard it is to keep going in a situation that seems hopeless. The truth is, as much as I thought I was doing, I could have ALWAYS done just a little bit more. THere is always room for improvement, in ALL of us.

Sweetie, we care about you here. Someone once said to me, you can run but you can't hide. Please don't run from your problems. Use them as a great way to show what a wonderful , unselfish, loving person you are. Don't expect things to get better overnight. But DO expect them to get better, and they will!

NOW

I LIKED IT, I DID IT. Trying to learn to move on without him being in the picture anymore. No one is going to make me feel bad about what I did.

FM it doesn't sound like you want to change. Like in your last post you also put God did not intend for your to be the primary bread winner. Seems like your life isn't fair but guess what no ones is. You are not the victim here. You chose that man to be your husband. You decided for yourself to have an affair. What you did was wrong. No matter how you try to justify it. it was wrong. If you don't think that cutting ties off with your OM is a neccessity than you might be on the wrong site. TOW is that way----->

But.....if you came here to seek advice on the damage you have created then you have to start realizing some things and take positive steps forward.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am assuming you must be a man because men always jump on a woman who has affair </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually no...I am a woman.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe you didn't read or understand my eariler post I take care of the financial situation in my home; it is one thing to be equal and another to be the sole bread winner. God did not intend for it to be like that!!!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps your husband is entitled to Social Security benefits if he's disabled.

What WERE God's intentions ?

I'm really starting to believe you really DO hate your Husband. I can't imagine this.
My Husband had an affair on ME...but if he was stricken with a fatal illness, and was never able to bring another penny into my home..I would never resent that. As his wife, I'd stand beside him, and do whatever I needed to do to support my family as a unit. I have been the sole supporter in my home. It doesn't bother me at all, makes me stronger, I feel like I've accomplished a lot, I never feel angry or short changed because of it.

And I wasn't just referring to FINANCIAL SUPPORT...what about the emotional needs of your H and children ? This must be extremely difficult on small children.

Ummmm...God didn't intend for a LOT of the way things are in this world today, but guess what....He didn't INTEND for spouses to commit adultery, either. You can't pick and choose which "intentions" of God's you are going to defend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
Being an equal provider to your family DOESN'T make anyone less feminine.


That's a very strange observation. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don`t find it so strange...when I first came to MB I listened to the audio portion of the site...you know the section where each of the EN`s are discussed....

The need many women have for Financial Support may be viewed as "shallow" just as the need for for an Attractive Spouse by most men is viewed as "shallow".

On the surface they do seem shallow BUT I think those needs are somehow biologically wired into us.

Men are more visual creatures than we women so of course and attractive spouse would be more important to them than it is to us.

Women while perfectly capable of bringing home the bacon themselves need a man who can provide for the family. And if the man can`t/won`t we lose respect for them.

But this situation is a bit different...F.M`s H has a bonefide medical condition that prevents him from meeting that need.

I would compare this to a man whose W was disfigured in a fire and was no longer physically attractive.

How would the man handle that? Would he STILL be able to love her even though she will no longer be able to meet the AS need?

I think it`s a choice the man would have to make...to decide to love her uncondtionally. And in order to be able to love her uncondtionally he would have to BEHAVE as if he loved her. And if he could do than then he would still love her.

F.M. did not comment on this part of my posts to her....the fact that for her to feel love for her H she needs to ACT/BEHAVE like she loves him.

F.M the problem here is NOT your H`s condition and his lack of abiltiy to meet your needs....it`s how YOU are meeting his.

You could be married to the most handsome ambitious athletic man in town but if YOU do not meet his needs, do not behave as if you love him then YOU WON`T.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The need many women have for Financial Support may be viewed as "shallow" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Daisy...let me clarify what I was saying, because I think you misunderstood what I was indicating as strange.

I'm not indicating in any way that if someone's EN is financial support...is shallow. I'm also not questioning that this indeed may be someone's Love Language...

what I did find strange was the correlation between not having the EN met, and feeling less feminine ?

Lack of an EN....could make someone feel unloved, unappreciated, but less feminine ? This is something a trained counselor would have better understanding with. Feminity is not about being a bread winner, or being a SAHM having a H support your financial needs. Feminity..is a self perception...not usually altered by financial status or lack there of.

I have a hunch that F.M.'s choice of the word feminine wasn't what she really meant. Semantics...you know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NotOnlyWords:
<strong> I have a hunch that F.M.'s choice of the word feminine wasn't what she really meant. Semantics...you know. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello again everyone I have to clear a few things up here. Sorry I thought you were a man because I felt threated a litte. Thankyou Daisy for being so understanding meaning understanding what is right, what is wrong, and not just listening to the surface. You can only judge me by what I tell you. Of course you pick what you choose to comment on like knowing my husband is Ill, yes he is but he gets support(i.e. finanical, emotional, and other ways from his family. Which goes directly towards him, no help for me. He gets SSI benefits and smokes weed with them, he has grown so accustom to me taking care of him that, he treats me as if I have no right to ask for help. THIS IS THE WAY IT IS. My money is for my children and my household. His money is for his purposes only.

I have been the sole supporter in my home. It doesn't bother me at all, makes me stronger, I feel like I've accomplished a lot, I never feel angry or short changed because of it.

That's you I don't feel that way, I beat up on myself alot because if you don't view things like other people especially being a woman, you're a terrible person. I just want people to understand that some people got married to young for the wrong reasons, had children out of sex and that's it without realizing what they were doing. I owned up to that. Does anybody not think I'm crazy?

I just want people to understand that some people got married to young for the wrong reasons, had children out of sex and that's it without realizing what they were doing. I owned up to that. Does anybody not think I'm crazy?

I don't think your crazy, just someone who's lost direction. It's just the way you say some things like the comment above makes it seem like you don't get the victim card because you made some poor choices. I mean you seem smart enough to know that if you have unprotected sex you can get pregnant (sure some happen anyways) but not usually 3. You also stated that you knew how your husband was before you got married. You made some poor choices, we all do. I fell in love too fast with a loser and now I'm raising a child by myself. It didn't even dawn on me that we weren't going to be together (can we say naive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and believe me I suffered, but life goes one. I learned from my mistake and made the best out of it. We can sit her all day and talk about our problems, or we can do something about it.

So tell me what is it you want that sounds doable? Here I'll help

1) Do you want to work on your marriage?
2) Are you willing to end contact with OM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong> That's you I don't feel that way, I beat up on myself alot because if you don't view things like other people especially being a woman, you're a terrible person. I just want people to understand that some people got married to young for the wrong reasons, had children out of sex and that's it without realizing what they were doing. I owned up to that. Does anybody not think I'm crazy? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds to me like you don't want to be married anymore. There is a solution for that... its called divorce.

But there must be more to the story than that since you posted on this board in the first place. You must have *some* hope of saving your marriage?

Miker

I have no choice but to work on my marriage. It's my bed I have to lie in it. The other person doesn't matter anymore because he only wants a sexual relationship with me and that's it. I don't want that anymore. My husband and I just need counseling but I think we have enough to do to keep us busy so we really don't have to think about it. We both agreed to live like roommates and not disrespect each and do our own thing. It sounds crazy but I just don't want to fight about it anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F.M. did not comment on this part of my posts to her....the fact that for her to feel love for her H she needs to ACT/BEHAVE like she loves him.

I don't know how to love my husband.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong> I have no choice but to work on my marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you have a choice. You always have a choice.

So why do you want to work on it?

1. For the kids?
2. You still love your husband?
3. Its the right thing to do?
4. All the above?

All very good reasons but. I dunno. Its your life. Only you have the answers.

In my opinion marriage is a partnership and if one person honestly decides to check out... there's nothing you can do about it.

But saying you have no choice, that's rubbish (as so aptly put by another poster).

Miker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know how to love my husband.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

You asked about Fog, I would say fog is the state of mind that a WS has during the A and has while they are still in withdrawal from the A.

The state of mind that leaves them to think irrational. The state of mind that leads them to make poor choices for their family and loved ones. The state of mind that has them rewriting their history with their spouse. The state of mind that has them justifying their A.

The WS then speaks stuff such as "I was never in love with you" "how can you ask me to chose between the two of you?" "he is my soulmate" "he is a great man"

Cr@p like that.

Ask me about my OM, I'm not fogged, it won't be pretty. I'm also not a woman scorned, just back to reality.

Does that help?