Who is the one person working on the marriage now?

No One

About a month ago I got serious, start being nice and working on my marriage.
While still maintaining (at least some) contact with lover boy, right?

Nope!!! He said all he wanted was a sexual relationship with me and I said No. So we only had talked like twice a month. Not enough to build on anything!!!

Until you get out of the affair and not keep as an escape, you are NOT going to give your all to the marriage.
If you are going to get out of the marriage, then get out of it. But don't do it because there is something "better" waiting in the wings. [/QB][/QUOTE]

Getting out of a marriage isn't as simple as saying it. I just wanted some guidance on should I stay or go. My affair was a result of past hurt and resentment. I told my husband that. He really doesn't seem to care or react like I thought he would knowing I had one. He once told me, that's the kind of person you are when I told him about the affair. What does that mean???

If no one is working on the marraige, why did you write this, "I understand what your saying, I really do. But one person can't work on a marriage alone."

(And yes, one person alone CAN work on a marriage at least for a while)


Nope!!! He said all he wanted was a sexual relationship with me and I said No. So we only had talked like twice a month. Not enough to build on anything!!!
Not enough to build on but definitely enough to sustain things for a while (and keep you from NOT working on your marrige).It is SOME contact. As I wrote, you need to remove ALL/ANY contact with him.
And as you said, no one is working on the marriage so how can it possibly improve in any way at all? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I said I've tried in the past to work on it and still a little to this day. But it's diffcult when a person whom your marry to wants to blame <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> everything on you and thinks by not saying anything it will work the marriage out.

You should do all you can BEFORE you consider divorce.

Have you read, "His Needs, Her Needs" and tried to apply them yourself, without expecting your husband to do anything?

I think this is an awful situation. We need to consider the state of the marriage....and agree that all marriages shouldn't be saved.

For WHATEVER reason... you are unable to move away from this marriage...

WHY is it so difficult. Tell me what the dynamics are.

I think you realize OM...isn't going to be able to get you out of this.

You wanted desperately to find a way out. Why do you feel trapped ?

Your H KNOWS you had an A...and really doesn't care. Is anyone other than me reading this ?

FM...

For your information...my friend..met ..let's call him..Mr. Nice Guy when her son was 3. She was previously a single mom. Along comes Mr. Nice Guy...she has 2 children WITH him. This guy has NEVER held a job more than a week or two in his whole life.

Mr. Nice Guy could be found at the local bar..if anyone needed anything. Never as much bought a bag of diapers. My friend..also offered to "pay him" to watch THEIR children to cut down on sitter costs. But this dug into his bar time and was a no go.

His addictions have now passed alchohol. He had :an accident: and needed hip replacement surgery...same guy..collecting SSI... having my friend support him..never contributed into a system he lives perfectly comfortable with. Does the SSI board realize that Mr. Nice Guy is being supplied drug money with his DI checks ? He has no living expenses.

Addictions, never around, last year, my friend found a crack pipe in their 10 yr old daughter's bedroom. Hmmm. This was Mr. Nice Guy's "prime hiding place"... his daughter's room ?

Long story....17 years.... her children have been raised by Mr. Nice Guy..and this is their male role model. Where do you think her boys are now ? One is 20...oh yeah...he just went to the big house for a year. Did I mention that this same kid had the audacity to steal money from my SIL purse while attending my sister's babyshower ? His mother's LIFELONG friend..... who is attending a babyshower for the sister..that she's known since she was 4 years old..he STOLE from my family. How mortified do you think I was to have to confront my friend with this ? Not as mortified as she was when after months of denying her son had done it, only having to admit yes, he indeed stole it..and gave her other 2 children.. :part of the loot: to keep them quiet. Where do you think those morals came from ....oh yeah...that would be Mr. Nice Guy.

Middle son... 13... oh yeah...he was taken away last year and has been a ward of the state ever since. Running away, stealing, skipping school... was previously a great kid... brilliant ...inquisitive....his moral ? Oh yeah...AGAIN...that would be Mr. Nice Guy.

Mr. Nice Guy just got out of rehab last month..as a Christmas gift to my friend.... "cleaning up his act" .... he was home 2 days before he picked the habits back up.

Here is my friend....now dealing with the fact that her last child...the daughter has 3 fine , great, moral, upstanding male role models to which she should base her future husbands standards against.

Do NOT ask me why my friend won't ditch him... I stopped begging and pleading with her years ago...I won't even let her cry on my shoulder anymore...because this is just stupid now.

Now...tell me again what's wrong.


edited to add that I can't further advise on this situation because this is a marriagebuilding site, and I DO believe and stand by it's principals. I apologize if I've offended anyone, but I can't jump on this one. The infidelity is wrong, wrong, wrong, and I would never condone it, but this person is in a dire situation, and all the infidelity 2X4s in the world...isn't going to change that.

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
<strong> I think this is an awful situation. We need to consider the state of the marriage....and agree that all marriages shouldn't be saved.

I am glad you said this because at what point do people say that they truly married the wrong person. I basically live with the thought that IT COULD BE WORSE, or who's going to want someone with three kids and can I remain out of a relationship until my children are grown.
And what constitutes a bad marriage only if he's beating you or abusing you?

For WHATEVER reason... you are unable to move away from this marriage...

WHY is it so difficult. Tell me what the dynamics are.

1)My kids
2)My mother raise 3 children on her own, don't want to end up like that!!!

I think you realize OM...isn't going to be able to get you out of this.

When I really start listening and paying attention to him, he is a user just like my husband and has had an affair with another married woman.

You wanted desperately to find a way out. Why do you feel trapped ?

Your H KNOWS you had an A...and really doesn't care. Is anyone other than me reading this ?

I think in the back of mind he cares but feels he's in a position that he can't say to much.

FM...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong>
I told my husband that. He really doesn't seem to care or react like I thought he would knowing I had one. He once told me, that's the kind of person you are when I told him about the affair. What does that mean??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you say "meal ticket"? IMHO, if I were in your shoes (and I am in a similar position so I know a bit of what you must be feeling) I would GET OUT of this marriage.

Your H is using you. From what you write, you get absolutely NOTHING out of this relationship. And the giving in it all comes from you. Your are tired right? Exhausted? Worn out?

Someone once said to me when the pain out weighs the gain that's when you know the relationship is dead. It sounds to me like your marriage is dead and intuitively you know it. There will be no resusitation of this relationship because it DOES TAKE TWO TO TANGO! Since your H does not appear to contribute ANYTHING (other than pain) to your M, it's time to go.

You CAN raise 3 children on your own. You sound like a very strong woman and I believe you can do it if you must. Think of the example you are setting for them - are you a doormat?

I concur, I think your A was an exit strategy. You did it to prove there is something else out there, that your life can be happy. Your H isns't contributing anything to your M, and you know it.

My H has not worked in 3 years (and he is healthy) and he contributes nothing to making my job as wife and mother easier. Nothing. I finally filed for D, and when I told my children they said "Mom, why did you wait so long?"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rosiepiesix:
My H has not worked in 3 years (and he is healthy) and he contributes nothing to making my job as wife and mother easier. Nothing. I finally filed for D, and when I told my children they said "Mom, why did you wait so long?"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked him to leave and he won't. So I decided if he uses me then I should get what I need out of the situation and then leave. I am starting school in May so I can get a better paying job so I can take of my kids myself. It should take 3 years or less. My children will then be 11, 6, and 4 then. I think I can put up with his mess for as least that long............

Originally posted by Rosiepiesix:
Can you say "meal ticket"? IMHO, if I were in your shoes (and I am in a similar position so I know a bit of what you must be feeling) I would GET OUT of this marriage.
So a terminal illness means nothing?

F.M.is you husband capable of working?

What have YOU done in the way of getting your marriage going (counseling, marriage coaching, weekend seminars, etc)?I mean apart from having an affair?

F.M.is you husband capable of working?

Yes. I asked him to get a part-time job or either help around the house.

What have YOU done in the way of getting your marriage going (counseling, marriage coaching, weekend seminars, etc)?I mean apart from having an affair? [/QB][/QUOTE]

I stopped having a sexual affair

You have ONLY just stopped the sexual part and are still dealing with the emotional part.
When was the last time you had ANY contact? (to include a voicemail, seeing him, email, etc?)

Chris,

I refused to keep talking about one-side of the story. My affair was a last resort. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I did not have an affair the whole time I was married to my husband. You keep talking about his illness and my affair. Why don't you read the earlier post I wrote about my marriage as a whole and stop trying to beat up on me about my affair. I told you IT"S OVER we both understand that. Besides that's not the bigger issue here. It's the fact that I'm in a loveless marriage and want to find a good way to get out. You're not going to make me feel bad about what I did so stop trying too.

F.M.

You responded to mine, so I wanted to see what you were about, so I've tried to read through all of this thread. Sorry about the situation you're in. Can I ask a few questions? If they are a repeat I'm sorry. I was reading quickly.

When our marriage sucks, as my first one did, we rewrite our history together and any good times or love is completely forgotten. Do you really believe that you married this guy for the wrong reason or are you just rewriting your history? Surely you had good times together.

Do you think it's fair to stay with your husband because you are afraid to leave? What if his heart's broken but he's holding on to hope that things will work out and your presence with him still suggests it will? Do you talk to him? Tell him how you feel and listen to how he feels?

Anyway, I know you mentioned you could get your life together if you had three or four years then become financially independent. I don't think you need a crutch. There are other ways to go through school. Get grants, student loans, move into married student housing or with your parents (if they'll let you) and go get your education now. Don't torture your husband and children with an uncertain future. You don't need the OM, you need to find a reason to take pride in yourself. If you're really interested in staying with your husband because you love him and want the marriage to work, then stay with him, work on the marriage. But don't forget about yourself. Go to school or technical college or whatever it will take to make you happy with who you are and want to be.
Most importantly, be the best mother you can be and take the time to remember your kids and see to their emotional needs. I'm divorced with two kids. My relationship with them is excellent because once the marriage was over, I didn't forget about their needs. Keeping in this situation where no one is happy is not the answer. You and they can be happy with a good visitation schedule.

Over time, as you improve how you feel about yourself without the short term influence of OM, your husband will see you for a special person that he wants to be with. If not, the right one will see you for someone who is special and making it work for herself. Hopefully that wasn't all gobbley-[censored]. I don't want you to look back in ten years and not like yourself and I certainly hope your kids are still in your life. I wish you luck F.M. Don't throw away your life and your kids life for the sake of some affair. You screwed up, but your life isn't over. Do what you need to do to make things right for you and your kids. Your husband and the OM can survive on their own.

I read your response but don't have time to answer it. I have to go home. I will respond to this tomorrow. Look for me. have a great even.

I'm not trying to get you to feel bad about the affair. I'm trying to get you to wake up about your marriage relationship.

You seem to be acting that his illness has nothing to do with anything. Having a terminal illness & throw an afair on top of that? How much lower could he feel?

You're not going to make me feel bad about what I did so stop trying too.
Does this mean you DON'T feel bad about it? That it was somehow "okay"? You "earned" it?

And (not focusing on the affair), I also asked, "What have YOU done in the way of getting your marriage going (counseling, marriage coaching, weekend seminars, etc)?"

When a betrayed spouse comes here and tells us how badly they have been treated by their wayward spouse, we don't dismiss everything the ws does. Why should we dismiss everything that has happened to you?

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

And (not focusing on the affair), I also asked, "What have YOU done in the way of getting your marriage going (counseling, marriage coaching, weekend seminars, etc)?" [/QB][/QUOTE]

We haven't done marriage counseling in a while. I don't know if I'm ready to jump in to counseling just yet because I don't really want to work on the marriage as of yet. I never intended to have an affair, I was just tired of being used and treated like my place was only to raise children and clean house while he did what he wanted to do.

Chris,

Having an illness does not give you the right to treat your wife like it's her fault your sick. I took less hours at work and made every effort (still do) to accomadate him for his illness.
It's kind of a shock to me that alot of people he goes to dialysis with are divorce. Maybe it's the way they treat there spouse.

We haven't done marriage counseling in a while.
Sigh... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
What have YOU personally and alone (not as a couple since he is not too concerned about it) done for your marriage?

Having an illness does not give you the right to treat your wife like it's her fault your sick.
You are right. What has HE done for counseling with his illness?

It's kind of a shock to me that alot of people he goes to dialysis with are divorce. Maybe it's the way they treat there spouse.
Maybe they way they treat their spouse has something to do with the fact that they are dying? It's not "just another day".
I'm not saying it's okay to treat the spouse like crap, but how in the world do they deal with it? I don't know because I haven't been told I have xx years to live and I MUST hook up to a machine 3 times a week or I WILL die.

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Soulmates2:
Do you really believe that you married this guy for the wrong reason or are you just rewriting your history? Surely you had good times together.

It is funny how you seem to put things into perspective as you get older. Okay this may be long but I'll try to get to the point. When I met my Husband my boyfriend was in jail and I was raising my daughter by myself. I told my husband that my daughter's father was in jail and we could be together until he got out. I choose to stay with my husband and not my boyfriend that was in jail. It was fun I guess because we were sneaking you know. About 3 months into the relationship I got into a fight and my face was totally disfigured for a while and my husband (now)saw me like this, I was for sure he would leave. He took care of me, took me to the hospital when I needed to go and took care of my daughter when I couldn't. I was about 19 at the time. I think I went into some kind of deep depression or something because I always wanted to be at home or with him and I started drinking alot. Anyway we moved out together as boyfriend and girlfriend before he got ill, we lived together for about 9 months, he would lie to me and tell me he's working(you know some of the same stuff he does now but I was to stupid to realize that this was a pattern). We had to move out because he left and said he couldn't help me with the bills so why should he stay. Okay I moved out and back home with mom, got pregnant again," Mom said it's not good to have two kids and not be married, I called him asked him if he'd like to be married, he said okay. I even bought the wedding rings. Got married, had another baby (3 kids) now and then he got sick. I think I've covered everthing in a nut shell.

Do you think it's fair to stay with your husband because you are afraid to leave?

No. I think I'm afraid if I leave him, he won't help me with the children anymore. I've asked him could he do the things he does now if we were not together? He said that it would be on me because he wouldn't have the time he does now. My dad wasn't there for me so why should I believe my kids dad will be there for them. It feels like he's only taken care of them because he's there with him. Once he's gone I can't tell him what to do.

What if his heart's broken but he's holding on to hope that things will work out and your presence with him still suggests it will?

Things have been so bad for so long, I don't think we can ever get it back. It's so bad that we bump into the walls trying not to touch each other.


Do you talk to him?
Yes

Tell him how you feel and listen to how he feels?

It always ends up in an argument so why try anymore.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
[QB] We haven't done marriage counseling in a while.
Sigh... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
What have YOU personally and alone (not as a couple since he is not too concerned about it) done for your marriage?

Last night I didn't feel good, he fixed me some soup. That was nice. I asked him if he could sit with me and watch TV, he said No. I said Fine then get out of my room. I noticed it was really quiet in the house, he had left and did not return to 1am. I think one thing that drives me nuts about him is that he speeds through his family time. He always wants to put the kids to bed or make them watch tv so he can be by himself or leave when I get there.

What has HE done for counseling with his illness?
Make excuses and smoke pot everyday.

Maybe they way they treat their spouse has something to do with the fact that they are dying?

I am not going to baby him anymore, I did that in the past. You either get busy living or get busy dying. There was a lady in my church on dialysis and she always was busy and she was twice his age. I'm not saying that he can do everything, I'm just saying if you can stay out all hours of the night you can spend time with your children. It's getting to the point now that whenever I go somewhere the kids don't want to be there with him.