</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mindsink:
<strong> Look people, it comes down to this:

If I tell her...

1.) It is a CERTAINTY that our relationship will be over. Nevermind the marriage. I don't want that. If my wife cheated on me, I'd want to work it out. My wife is not as rational as me. She end it right there. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MS,
I had what I would call a good marriage before my Affair and I always told OW that if my wife found she would divorce me. I just knew it to be FACT. On dday my wife changed the locks, went to a lawyer and tried to start our divorce, wouldn't return my calls, my secretary quit (her and my W are good friends), she told all of my friends and family it was over. The truth is affairs don't usually end a marriage. I bet the percentage is much higher when the WS confesses without discovery.

Fast forward 3 months - Our marriage is better than ever. It took this wake up call to make us happier than ever. To realize something was wrong and begin the road to fix it. Something is wrong MS if you had your A. Something needs to be fixed. The time is now. I agree, it's a gamble to come clean, but IMO you can never have the truely solid marriage we all seek. You are seeking that too, or you wouldn't be here.

I'm not going to try and force telling your W down your throat. I'm asking you to consider what kind of foundation you want to have. One built on guilt? I think not because again you wouldn't be here. I also see you as a VERY courageous person to come here and tell this story and defend your position. That same courage will bring you to do the right thing someday and I think soon.

You don't have to tell her anything. She will find out on her own. Such things have a way of surfacing. Hopefully, your inner self will claw through the lie you are living. If she doen't find out, something else will need to absorb the lie, it may be that you will endure through a marriage that has a fundamental weakness based on that lie. Or that you will withdraw from each other and it will fizzle out that way. Or perhaps you will one day again find yourself drawn to the "dark side". Then again, perhaps it will be her. Unfortunately, your actions have forever changed your marriage because you have become the lie you are living and only you can change that.

The advice and suggestions that most EVERYONE here is giving you is the best way to make the most out of your marriage. But like all advice, you are not required to follow it.

Mr. G

It'll be a couple more months before I see her. One thing I'm NOT going to do is tell her over the phone.

Who knows where my mind will be in 2 months.

I guess we'll see.

'sink:

If you're here because you really want help, then that's great. There's plenty of it here, if you'll only listen.

But this: "Please. Let's leave religion out of this. "we know what he wants us to do and we should do it?" You sound like a mindless slave."

Is just plain s2pid. You have but 2 look back on Mortarman's threads over the past 2ple of years 2 know that he's far from mindless, and he uses his mind 2 think for himself - he's no slave 2 anyone, though he may be a devoted servant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Your lashing out like that gives us atheists a bad name. I resent your reactive stance, but I hope you're here 2 learn something and pull your head out of your nether regions for the bright fu2re that awaits you.

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Originally posted by mindsink:
Maybe you're right about it always being there. Only time will tell. Let me ask you, WHY did you decide to stay married? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why I choose to stay married...well..I love him. He is a sinner just like me, and before you attack me for having faith in God, remember you asked. He did a terrible thing with my trust in him and sometimes it was only the fact that I stood up in front of God and everyone I loved and said I would be his wife that has kept me here. That vow means *a lot* to me. The struggle has been extremely hard. However the rewards have been immense.

To bring up something you started earlier, I no longer feel like I am living in the Matrix where I *know* something is just not quite right but can't put my finger on exactly what it is. I would much rather be like Neo and take the pill that will allow me to know the truth of what my life is like.

I take it that since you say 'only time will tell' that means you are still set on lying to your wife by ommission. That makes me very sad for you both. There is a future on the other side of this tragedy. There just aren't any guarantees that she will decide to stay. That's the reality and the consequence of your action. Stinky but the truth you have to face.

I will also add that my H didn't come out and tell me what was going on from the first and it was a hundred times more devastating because I had to snoop and pry to get the truth. Yes we have had other disclosures and it was easier to bear when he actually would come to me and say, "Look. I really screwed up." I've been on both sides of that whole thing and am a huge advocate that telling with a repentant heart is much better received.

VL/Jodi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mindsink:
<strong> It'll be a couple more months before I see her. One thing I'm NOT going to do is tell her over the phone.

Who knows where my mind will be in 2 months.

I guess we'll see. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At least you're keeping an open mind. You have 2 months to read up on tons of material at this and other marriage building sites.

You are only doomed to a deceitful marriage if you choose to be. Life is full of choices...and consequences. Get used to it.

Oh, there's one little detail that I left out...and it's probably a big reason why I'm so apprehensive about telling her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Before we were dating, I used to frequent massage parlors...let's say a couple dozen times in total over a 2 year span. When I met my then girlfriend, I stopped. I was compelled to tell her the truth about this part of my past even though I saw absolutely no benefit from revealing it to her. It was really painful to say the least and after she locked herself in the bathroom and cried for what seemed like an eternity, I was crying and kicking myself for telling her. We were dating for about 4 months then, and we were sexually active. She refused to have sex with me any further until I got tested. When I came back clean, I was overjoyed to say the least, and so was she. Since that day, she has taken verbal shots at me regarding my past. For example, if we're watching a movie and there's a prostitute in there, she would smack me in the head and say "you used to fvck girls like that". She expressed her absolute disgust how any man could go to a prostitute. But somehow, she married me. Now 10 years later, I find myself back at the massage parlor, and faced with a decision that could end my marriage.

Oh, and for the record, I have absolutely no problem with anyone's religious beliefs. The only time I have a problem with it is when it's being shoved down my throat.

Sorry..double post.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

I still wouldn't jump to that conclusion. Your wife will have her own set things about herself that she will have to observe and work on.

She married you after being hurt by the massage parlors...it's been 10 yrs...she's been gone for months...not that it's a valid excuse to cheat...but I still think it is not beyond her capacity to forgive...with good, pro-marriage guidance. It is also not impossible for her to learn...after forgiveness...to not beat you over the head with it at every opportunity. You would have to endure some of that for a while...and be patient. But, it isn't insurmountable. You will need to express true remorse and repentance. You will have to be transparent in all areas of your life for trust to be rebuilt. Dr. Harley says that we shouldn't trust our spouses 100%.

There are skills and growth that can be built on through rewarding work. Marriage is a commitment and not just based on feelings alone. You will have to learn that for your understanding of what marriage is to grow and mature into something more fullfilling than it has been. I sense that your understanding or definition of what love is may be limiting your capacity to grasp the concept of commitment.

You still aren't getting it.

Deciding to visit a prostitute is the decision that could END your marriage.

Telling your W what you did is the decision that could SAVE your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Mr. Math guy, I'll win PowerBall before my wife finds out. #1, Annie lives and works far away. #2, she BARELY speaks English. #3, she doesn't give a rat's a$$ about me and could care less even if by remote chance she does see me in public. #4, the money I used was cash from winning an office football pool (which my wife doesn't know about). There is one way she could find out, and that is if I contracted an uncurable viral disease that could ONLY come from sex (knock on wood) - that being genital herpes and HIV. Again, I used protection, so the chances are basically 0%.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok. I will assume I get the sarcastic nickname due to your displeasure towards my statements. Numbers don't lie. It becomes exponentially more difficult to obfuscate the truth when more individuals are aware of it.

At first, it was you and the prostitute. Now you have a forum full of people that know it and IPs make the internet not so anonymous, if you will. And, by your own admission, you have discussed this with the most ethical person you know, who I assume is a close friend. Every person that is enlightened to your past increases the probability that the past will show itself to the people you wish it not to.

But don't take my word for it. I understand that it is your life.

Everyone hopes for the best in life. It is the fool who expects it.

I am curious how the wife is dangerous... if for nothing more than the simple knowledge

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ba109:
<strong> You still aren't getting it.

Deciding to visit a prostitute is the decision that could END your marriage.

Telling your W what you did is the decision that could SAVE your marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by patriot92:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Mr. Math guy, I'll win PowerBall before my wife finds out. #1, Annie lives and works far away. #2, she BARELY speaks English. #3, she doesn't give a rat's a$$ about me and could care less even if by remote chance she does see me in public. #4, the money I used was cash from winning an office football pool (which my wife doesn't know about). There is one way she could find out, and that is if I contracted an uncurable viral disease that could ONLY come from sex (knock on wood) - that being genital herpes and HIV. Again, I used protection, so the chances are basically 0%.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok. I will assume I get the sarcastic nickname due to your displeasure towards my statements. Numbers don't lie. It becomes exponentially more difficult to obfuscate the truth when more individuals are aware of it.

At first, it was you and the prostitute. Now you have a forum full of people that know it and IPs make the internet not so anonymous, if you will. And, by your own admission, you have discussed this with the most ethical person you know, who I assume is a close friend. Every person that is enlightened to your past increases the probability that the past will show itself to the people you wish it not to.

But don't take my word for it. I understand that it is your life.

Everyone hopes for the best in life. It is the fool who expects it.

I am curious how the wife is dangerous... if for nothing more than the simple knowledge </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm visiting and posting only from inside my company of almost 1000 employees. Our IPs are NAT'd out, so the IP registered on this site, could be any one of the 1500 or so nodes on our LAN. Furthermore, the e-mail address used to register to this site was created simply for the purpose of registering on this site. My nickname was to kind of poke fun at myself because my mind is sinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What I discussed with my friend was not MY situation, but a hypothetical one.

In addition, I've tweaked the facts on many details about my marriage and such as to hide my TRUE identity in the event that someone I know just so happens to frequent this site and just so happens to stumble upon this thread.

So right now, it is just me and "Annie" that knows.

I don't wish to go further about how my wife is dangerous. Let's just leave it at that.

Mindsink....
I just don't understand!!!! YOu are putting your wife at risk for AIDS and all kinds of crap. You have to tell her about this! Just because you used protection doesn't mean you are safe.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich ]</small>

Come on people !!!!!!!!!! There are 12 pages to this thread. Stop biting, you are being "had" here.

LM

LM, I love you man, but, in the case that mindsink is real...

MS:
{laying my 2X4 down...}
{...but flicking that damn chip off your shoulder}

Let's make one thing clear MS: this is a support board: none of us (unless it just so happens to be) are psychologists, psychiatrists, or counselours. Each of our posts are our opinions--based upon our principles, beliefs, morals, background, etc etc, but maybe most importantly on this board: our life experiences. Been there, done that. (And please, if any MB'er disagrees, please chime in or report me. But this is as close to who "we" are as I can define. If I've misrepresented "us", please correct me.)

With that disclaimer in mind, maybe now you understand the emotions, the frustration and even anger that you have read. For me? It's at pity. But, it's coming to indifference. Funny--same chain as I felt toward the OW in my sit.


You keep mentioning the word "certainty." MS, the only things that are certain are those that have happened in the past and those things that are happening right now. This is fact. It's really not disputable. Things are not "certain" in the future. You can't ask 150,000 people that anymore. I'm sure many were "certain" they were going to build a sand castle in the next 10 minutes; or they were going to serve breakfast to some tourists; or they were going to make a few pennies harvesting their fields. But I can't even be "certain" that they were thinking all of those things--it never happened. It was all based on the future. It wasn't based on fact. We can theorize all we want, but it's not fact until it happens.

How do we theorize? By past experiences, past behaviour, patterns, learning from that. You theory of kissing your marriage "bye-bye" may be right; you are only basing it on how much you know your wife. The MB theory of certainty for kissing your marriage bye-bye? Not being honest--Radical Honesty. (Now, this is where you take a piece of humble pie:) MS, the MB principles work!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Convince me that RADICAL HONESTY will save my marriage, and I will consider it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No can do, man. A marriage involves two people--Radical Honesty from day one? I'm sure they have a great marriage! But, we're human. HOWEVER, at this point, this fork in your life, radical honesty will save you. It's not your decision on who chooses to forgive you or not--forgiveness in the sense that you admit you did something wrong, are remorseful, and act to change that behaviour--but you give your wife NO choice by not telling her; you give yourself NO chance at forgiveness if she doesn't know; you give your marriage NO chance being based upon lies.

You're a gambling man, I've read. Maybe the reason why I'm going against LM's advice is I see so much of me in your posts; right down to being a gambler. Wouldn't surprise me you have been lying your whole life; an only child or baby of the family; obsessive compulsive; impulsive. Don't know if I've hit any of them--then again, that's the description of me--fact--those character traits will ALWYS be with me. It's the choices I make--the awareness of them, that makes me who I am--NOW.

I'm rather surprised by your "certainty" of events with you being a gambler. You should know, no bet is 100%. Your arrogance (or aura that emits from your tone) tells me you've beaten the odds at many things in life. But your wager on what you have done...Is it really worth your winnings? OK OK...sorry...harping on the past...Now, though, you are wagering many things: both of your health; the "fact" she'll never find out (come on man! you don't know women by now that they just can "know"? the ol' women's intuition?); the "fact" that your marriage will or will not survive if the truth be told...we can go on with the bets--just take a look at a Super Bowl ticket: who scores first, whether the coin flip will be heads or tails, who pisses first (OK, I made that one up), but it wouldn't surprise me! These are all wagers on UNcertainties--things that have not happened.

Gambling isn't choices. Gambling is just that: gambling. A game of chance. There's no rhyme or reason to chance. I mean, how many career gamblers do you know that play games of chance? How many gamblers do you know that are in the black? How many gamblers do you know that are actually happy?

Maybe I'm way off here, ms, but, put your chips down, cash them out, and walk away from the table. One of these times, you're going to lose. Gambling is just an escape from reality; like prostitution. Sure, it may be legal, but what are the repercussions? What are the effects of your actions? I mean, damn ms, you must have some conscience in there if you sought out a mariage building site! You had extramarrital sex, which your wife does not know about. One thing I don't remember reading about is the very basic--let's be fair here. You've rigged the deck of cards to be heavy on your hand, but, just like any cheat in the game, you're going to get found out. How this happens, is your choice.

Read through the emotions some have presented here, myself included. Read the very basic messages and opinions--opinions based on personal experiences. Whether you are religious or not, really does not matter--it's respect for one another. It's respect for the marriage you were only a part of agrreing to, but now have decided to make choices on your own about. It's OK to be wrong and make mistakes; but how you react and learn and act from those experiences define who you are. NOW.

Keeping the 2x4's safely by my feet...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There ARE stages. If there wasn't, I wouldn't have gotten over her so easily and quickly.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are arguing semantics. Get to the real issue.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said there are problems in my marriage that have nothing to do with this incident. She knows WHO I AM. She doesn't know WHAT I DID. Big difference buddy-boy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whether you wish to disagree with me, EVERY single choice you make in your life, there is some sort of effect. The bigger the choice, the bigger the effect. It's relatively simple.
What you've done in your life defines you. The logical deduction? Because she does not know what you did, means she does not know you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whatever you say professor.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be careful! We'll get the purple-shoed professor after you! Oh, that's right, he already bit the bait!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marriage has ended? That's funny. My wife is coming home to me soon, and I haven't been served any divorce papers yet.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the chip I was referring to; even a foreshadowing of when I said you defined marriage as "a piece of paper." Marriage is SO much more than your response presumes. Not judgemental: you really need to take stock on how you and your define your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, I've done many honorable and noble things in my life. A man is not defined by one action but the collection of all of his actions.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right. But, picking up a piece of trash off the ground is slightly outweighed by ****ing a prostitute when you're married. Is that 50/50? How 'bout if you cleaned a whole park? Some actions have more weight than others; you've missed this point since you've started posting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The basis of a marriage (the foundation) is commitment. Your marriage's foundation is built on sand because your commitment level to it has been as shakey as sand. So, you want to keep building on sand? You want your wife to keep believing in something that is just fantasy? Because, for her to believe that you are this guy who has committed to her for life and is faithful, is just that...mere fantasy!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mortarman said the above; you're response?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Naaa. My analogy is perfectly fine. Maybe YOUR marriage is founded on commitment. Mine is founded on love.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Love is fine and dandy, but ask all of the WS's here that were "in love" with their OP's. Love is a feeling and can be very distorted. Is it necessary in a marriage? 99.9999999% of the time to have a successful marriage. But it's not the basis of a marriage. If you have no committment, you have nothing else. The committment is the foundation--the pact that binds two human beings--not feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We want your marriage to succeed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can it? You said it's dead already!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, the foundation is nothing. Love and committment have a common denominator: trust. You've broken that. It's your choice what to do with what you have left; quickly repair it with bandaids and more lies ('cause you WILL have to lie to protect your original lie--you already have a string of lies going already!) or start rebuilding that foundation. The analogy of sand is perfect: sand is permeable--just like lies. However, concrete and steel? sure, maybe some adjustments here and there, but your marriage will be impenetrable, together. It's your choice what foundation you choose to use.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, she won't. Because nothing will be wrong. I made one mistake. It's not a mistake that will carry with me forever. It's in the past, and I won't have to deal with again, ever.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've spent the amount of time I have with you in the hopes you are really not this shallow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I WANT to hear is an analysis of why I did what I did, and what I can do to make sure I don't do it in the future.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've already said, by no means, are we "professionls." I certainly would go see a psychiatrist or psychologist though--you do have the signs of someone who has an addictive personality. We are, here for any support we can provide, though.

I hope this isn't my last post to you.

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

2Long...thanks my friend!!

MindSink,

A couple things. First, if your marriage is built on love, then it is doomed!! Any marriage built on love is doomed. Only a marriage built on commitment makes it. Because there are times where you, or your wife (or both) will not feel the love. Without commitment, then that foundation of love is useless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1.) It is a CERTAINTY that our relationship will be over. Nevermind the marriage. I don't want that. If my wife cheated on me, I'd want to work it out. My wife is not as rational as me. She end it right there.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HHHhmmmm?!?! Me thinks this is a disrespectful judgment by you of your wife! One of the Love Busters. Not good. You have no idea how she will react. Actually, you have a good idea because she already caught you once doing this, right? And she still married you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2.) It will ruin her life. She will spend the rest of her life wondering why she wasted all of her prime years on me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And she has wasted it so far. But, she has the right to know what her life is about. And who you are. BSs instinctively know something isnt right, even when we cant put our finger on it. And that alone will destroy the marriage. It will never allow her to get completely close to you. And she will miss that and need that. And then she will seek that. And then some guy who will give that to her will suck her away from you. Such is your future...and by saying nothing...you will not be able to do anythign about it. Right now, it is just you and your wife. Try fighting for your marriage when she has someone else...and has this feeling about you. Impossible!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3.) I risk possible injury or death upon myself. My wife is a dangerous person, and who knows what she'll do to me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no idea what to say to this. Because, that will definitely cause you to lose sleep. One night, she might just wake up and take you out? Again, I think this is a disrespectful judgment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4.) The shame on me, my family, and her family will be unbearable. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The bigger shame will be the end of your marriage and relationship forever. You have already brought dishonor upon yourself, your wife and your family and hers. You will continue to heap dishonor on everyone until you decide to be a honorable man.

In His arms.

Gee this topic has yanked our chain...I was off-board for a while and look what happened.
Mindsink, I posted you last week about hpv infection and the possibilities for your wife and you of resulting cancer in the genital areas. I don't have a link, but you can go to google and type in "hpv penile cancer" and get your fill of horrible statistics and images from reputable std experts. I suggest you take a half hour and study up. With your past behavior you are certainly at high risk.
By the way, your wife's angry reaction to seeing prostitutes on tv is typical behavior for someone who has been betrayed in this manner. The image "triggers" her back to the pain of when she found out. These take time to fade, but are part of the growing process after an affair.

Okay, buddy. Let me tell you something. I do not think that your marriage will survive. That is if you keep your current behavior up. I almost feel sorry for you because I know that you are in for a world of hurt.

If you think that your wife won't find out or won't know that something is up, then you are wrong.

When my husband was involved in his EA, I knew for a loooong time that something was up. You just get that feeling; it difficult to say and maybe women are just more intuitive in this regard, but you know that something isn't right in your relationship. Your wife will know. I almost felt relieved when my husband finally told me. It was horrible and you wouldn't have wanted to be around during the first week, but somehow me made it through this. It's still not perfect, but we're trying.

If you do not tell her, she will still feel that something is up and it's going to create distance between you and her. Now, God forbid, if she comes across another guy who can sense her anger, lonliness and fear, it will only be a matter of time before she falls in love with someone else. Then what? I can almost guarantee to you that this is going to happen.

If you have had a history of previous massage parlor visits and she feels angry and betrayed about this, but she still married you, then she probably loves you very much. Telling her about Annie is going to crush her world; she WILL be a wreck and you are going to be in for the rollercoaster ride of your life. BUT, I think that it will save your marriage. You are going to need help and you will probably not be able to do this alone because it is going to take a professional to get to the root of YOUR problem and the issues in your marriage.

You do not need to make a hasty decision at this time, but take some time to think long and hard about what kind of marriage and intimacy (and I'm not talking about physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy) you are going to want in your future and what kind of family you are going to provide for your future children.

This is YOUR definining moment, mindsink. This will MAKE or BREAK you.

Your choice!

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mindsink:
<strong> Look people, it comes down to this:

If I tell her...

1.) It is a CERTAINTY that our relationship will be over. Nevermind the marriage. I don't want that. If my wife cheated on me, I'd want to work it out. My wife is not as rational as me. She end it right there.

2.) It will ruin her life. She will spend the rest of her life wondering why she wasted all of her prime years on me.

3.) I risk possible injury or death upon myself. My wife is a dangerous person, and who knows what she'll do to me.

4.) The shame on me, my family, and her family will be unbearable. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">