[QUOTE]Originally posted by F.M.:

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I had low self esteem, I liked him building me up. I have very little worth, he made me feel special and worthy.
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My WW is the same way, very low self esteem. She had a poor childhood, was left on her own all the time. She needs to feel wanted and needed all the time.

When our life, kids, bills and so on got in the way she found someone to make her feel alive. She was a stay at home mom, then got a job, life went 180 at that point.

It took two weeks for her to find someone else, she escaped our life and found a new one.

It was an escape perhaps, I think it still is to a point. She is stressed about us all the time.

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: alank ]</small>

legato,

no plans here for a Plan B.

I will plan A her to death.

She is showing some small signs of understanding. Very small at this point. I will not give up on her. Her idea of nc is not what I want, yet I do belive I am making some inroads with her.

We have been together day and night since Dec 23.

I think that is a good sign <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She may have contact with her OM, yet at this point she is no longer making time for him as we are spending our free time together.

I don't expect anything right now, yet I am happy with what is going on right now (sort of)

I am glad to hear that. I've definitely got my money on you.

But at some point contact must stop. Do you agree and does your wife know how you feel about NC?

I agree with every bone in my body that we must have N/C, and my WW is well aware of this. To date she has told the OM that this is silly and stupid, she see's no future in it.

She has moved offices and no longer works with him and the phone calls are down by leaps and bounds.

They used to talk every day and meet three times a week. Now it might be every week or two that they talk. She still has a great attraction to him in my eyes, yet she is taking baby steps and at this point I am happy with all she is doing,part of Plan A.

I pray we keep going down this path.

OK. good. As long as she knows but my concern is that either she doesn't know that this is about addiction (or I'm wrong in your particular case) or that she disagrees and thinks that "we can just be friends" and that continued contact is prolonging that addiction and interfering with the recovery of your marriage.

If I'm poking my nose in where it doesn't belong, just say so.

It's just that I've been down the "just friends" path, not wanting to rock the boat when things are going so well, and then finding out that it's more than friends; much, much more.

legato,

I think my WW is still in the "we can be friends" arena. I don't think she see's this as an addiction, or understands what that may be.

I do belive that this is getting in the way of the recovery of our M. I dont want to rock the boat at home at all.

Things are going fairly well at this point, so rocking the boat was not in my plan.

My WW has told me all the bad stuff about her OM, he has many women on the go, he does not want a relationship with her, he just wants a booty call(my WW's words) so she is aware of what type of person he is. I'm not sure what to do to finish him off and get him out of our lives. Any advice would be great.

Just hang in there. Someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think it's better when the OM is not interested in R. That was my situation but it took a long time to negotiate NC. My wife was still infatuated for a good long while

At some point you may need to demand NC or else, but as long as you're making progress in winning her back then no reason to pull out the big gun.

I may need the big gun..

WW just called me at work to tell me this is getting a bit confusing for everyone, our kids, our friends.

People are asking if we are back together, and she is running around saying no. She told our kids this morning that no we are not togehter and that we will stop spending so much time together!

What the h**l is that? We have been so close the past two weeks and no she wants an out.

Up and down, this ride sucks.

Everytime we make a positive step she wants to pull back. I don't want to LB, however this is getting nuts. We have not finished the talk on this she is going to call me back in 20 mins.

What to do.

I feel like getting an apt of my own and packing it in for now. Go black and see how she likes it.

What do you think?

No, not yet. She is still in fog. You're still making progress. I say keep Plan A'ing. Maybe you bwant to try to avoid finshing this talk?

Legato,

she wants me to go to my mothers house.

She wants time alone again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

She was very nice on the phone, no anger, yet she is concerned we are giving other people the wrong ideas...

Who cares what other people think. I don't.

Do I give her what she wants, or is this a ploy to get more free time from me to spend with her OM? I don't want to ask questions of her about that as I don't want to LB.

This has me scared to death.

No, you stay right where you're at. If she wants to move out and try to persuade OM into a R then let her go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> My WW has no faults. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

All things wrong were done by me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

She is justified in all she does. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

She needs her space. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I get in her way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I think she already knows she wants this M with me. This fog is realy strange stuff.

Are all WS's the same? I am killing her with my Plan A. I think it may be working. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I swear you and I are married to the same woman.

Maybe we should have her arrested for Bigamy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Why do I feel the need to break free from her right now?

The more I think about it the more appealing it seems.

Let her try to run the house, pay the bills raise the kids on her own.

We have a live in Nanny, yet she has no car, is unable to drive the kids around. So why not let the WW try for a while?

Our kids have programs 4 nights a week, everything from dance class to sparks. Pick up and drop off for school and so on..

It's alot to try and do on you're own.

If I give her what she thinks she wants, will that give her a taste of real life?

TA, strange how similar they seem to be.

I am at the end of my rope every three or four days.

Today I think again that my WW is nuts and I should go start a life of my own. As soon as things start going well, she has to pull back. Maybe I should this time and let her deal with life on her own for a bit.

I am a very tired man right now, and I am ready to move forward with her or walk away.

A year is a long time for this crap, although I know it realy is not when you listen to everyone else.

I need to understand the things we are unable to understand in all of this.

No, giving her a taste of real life would be her moving out and trying to figure out all of this stuff on her own. If you were to move out then you would be helping her to succeed in what she thinks (right now) that she wants to do.

If she presses on this say, "Me moving out is not an option. Let's explore other options."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> Why do I feel the need to break free from her right now?

The more I think about it the more appealing it seems.

Let her try to run the house, pay the bills raise the kids on her own.

It's alot to try and do on you're own.

If I give her what she thinks she wants, will that give her a taste of real life? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We do have the same wife. I was thinking of leaving also, go on a trip to the West Coast and get a nice tan, hang out at the beach and check out the Eye Candy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'll come back and she'll look like hell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My wife hasn't thought of what post divorce even looks like. I asked her a number of questions in regards to money, insurance, qualified plans, brokerage accounts, child custody, etc... Talk about CLUELESS

She hasn't given it one thought. I told her I was entitled to 5 weeks with the kids in the Summer and I'm taking them all at the same time. I am driving thru several states and final destination will be Disney World. She will be crying her friggin eyes out and calling us in Florida. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

These WS have NO clue whatsoever about post divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

TA,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I swear you and I are married to the same woman.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They are all the same women and they read their lines from the same script.

legato,

If I leave her to her own devices and give her what she wants she wins. Yet when life slaps her in the face, will she not realize that she does need some help in all of this. I have not LB in a good long time, yet she pulls back and pushes me away very hard.

Maybe it is time to go to a version of plan B?

I love her yet my frustration is starting to eat away at me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> TA, strange how similar they seem to be.

I am at the end of my rope every three or four days.

Today I think again that my WW is nuts and I should go start a life of my own. As soon as things start going well, she has to pull back. Maybe I should this time and let her deal with life on her own for a bit.

I am a very tired man right now, and I am ready to move forward with her or walk away.

A year is a long time for this crap, although I know it realy is not when you listen to everyone else.

I need to understand the things we are unable to understand in all of this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm at the end of my Rope every other day, and it's only been 4 months for me. Are you having sex with my wife? If not, adious, don't let the door hit ya...

One year and it's over if my wife does not seek IC or MC. If we have sex during that time, then maybe. I'm not waiting much more than 9 months, then I'm gone. There are 20 women for every 1 male out there, and I'm including all the Loser males. My wifes girlfriend is 34, very pretty and can't find a decent guy in 3 years. She tried every damn dating service, working in places that cater to men, etc... Most men in there 30's and 40's don't want to get married again for quite some time, I know I won't.

There are so many beautiful women out there who are lonely like me and in desire of attention. I wonder why the hell I'm torturing myself. I'm handsome, have money, nice cars, powerboats, and all the toys you can name. I love to travel, give awesome rubdowns, and I think I'm damn good at sex. I told this to my wife last month as a LoveBuster, I couldn't take it anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I told her it shouldn't take me too long to find someone who appreciates me and wants to love me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

TA,

I have had some of the same thoughts. It would be easy for me to find someone new. I am a good looking guy with a good job, I think I am nice and fun to be with. I have become very aware of what a relationship needs to thrive.

I have seen so many women that apear to be nice and loving and they would probebly be fun on a date.

However I love my WW to death, I love my kids to death and I want my family together again.

The problem right now is that I am starting not to like my WW. She has become mean and hurtfull, I understand why it happens, yet I don't like it.

I want my W back, although I am afraid if she comes back it may be to late. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />