Okay, sometime it seems like WH is trying but he is soooo clueless. He's a man who always has a minimual involvement with his kids. Early on, he had physical problems that made active things difficult. When the physical problem stopped, the habit of noninvolvement continued.

Around Christmas, we had a family meeting. WH has an apartment now but came to discuss things. Among the issues we discussed was "paying your dues". When you watch the Olympics and you see that parent on the sideline in tears, you KNOW who was the one who woke up at 4 a.m. every morning to drive their kid to the pool. You KNOW who made the 100 mile around trip to the skating rink. You KNOW who has had their shoulder soaked with tears. That's paying your dues.

Our second son is an excellent athlete. I've been there for everything: the driving, the crying, the plan and the exultation. WH? Well, he can usually make it to the big things. At our meeting, I told him that doesn't cut it. It lovely he can come to a state tournament but it's not enough. We need more.

So, our son's school is having a BIG tournament tomorrow. WH has volunteered to help out. He's going to put in a 12 hour day in a noisy, stinky gym, keeping score for a sport he knows little about. We'll see how he takes it. It's a noble gesture. I hope it opens his eyes. Oh course, I'll helping out the whole time, too. Who do you think DS looks for in the stands after he wins?

This is how my FWH and I messed up, though, GRAPE. Too much focus on parenting our sons who are great athletes. One played ball in college.

The OW stepped in provided ROMANCE that my midlife crisis FWH craved.

Are you dating? Spending time alone with each other?

My FWH was able to justify his A to himself by continuing in his parent role with me, telling himself that was all I wanted. He reserved his fun time with her.

I don't know if it is true for you but now that we are a loving, romantic couple again I see how he must have missed this. Plus, I missed out on it too.

"Who do you think DS looks for in the stands after he wins?"

Well, probably you because you have been there the whole time but I'm sure he wishes to see his dad every time he looks up there. My heart broke at my son's Christmas program when after it was over he was looking for his dad.....he had left. My son is only 8 and his little heart was broken. Our WH's don't see that..we do. Just be there for your son and let him know how proud you are of him. He will have to make up his mind how he feels about his father on his own.

Aside from WH former physical problems, the other reason I've been involved with our kids is because WH has spent so much time with his other mistress: WORK.

The job has always taken priority. WH just didn't care to or have the energy to put time into the kids. That's one of the big reasons I've been a SAHM. Somebody had to be there for them. I gave up my career and it was a good decision. We appreciate the financial stuff but WH has never let us voice that we'd like less material things and more HIM.

Even last night, our son had a meet about a 25 minutes easy drive away. Of course, WH had a work call/meeting that intruded into the evening. WH kept calling my cell to see if the timing would work for him to come. When the meeting call was over, he phoned me and I told him that he had time to make it. He decided not to come. Bad decision. It was a good meet for our son. The kind where a college scout talks to you and you get a headline in the sports section of the newspaper. Once again, WH's decision was to not come. Although, he can drive to OW a tedious hour away....

Mimi: Romance is a 2 way street. WH has never gotten it. If your wife dresses up nicely, you pay a compliment. If she gets a babysitter, you go out no matter how you feel. You get off the computer and talk. If your wife wants to go to bed, you come to bed and be with her. I've tried and tried. I see that I gave up after awhile. I've been trying again.

We do have a date on Sunday. Dinner and a movie. Maybe it will help. Our meetings are pleasant but superficial. I long to get down to the nitty gritty. I don't at this point because that would be LB nad what he preceives as demanding. I plan to dress nicely, speak wittily and sparkle!

However, I always ask about the status of OW. I never let him forget that SHE HAS TO GO!

Your sitch is a lot like mine. My FWH was the primary breadwinner and focused on work. I, like you, focused on the kids, thinking that he valued that. Plus it was what I was supposed to do and had to do. However, in my FWH's MLC, he changed. Work became less important to him. He wanted affection and attention from me. Rather than turning to me for it, the OW did all of this. It was wrong. Of course, having an A was not the answer. I said to Steve Harley that FWH should have shared his needs with me. I remember Steve saying to me, "Did he have to share his needs when you first started dating or did you try to meet his needs without his asking?" (or something like this). Steve helped me to realize that I had gotten out of practice of being "HIS LOVER".

My son actually got a sports scholarship to college and FWH attended the games with me. Eventually as he got more and more into his A his game attendance slacked off with him giving work excuses. He really was with her.

During the the addictive fog of the A, family does not matter. They crave the drug fix from the OW.

I agree with you, though, of the need to remind him of the need for NC. That's an additional goal of PLAN A.

This is awful for us all that we have had to go through this......

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>