my WH thinks the kids are okay with him not being home. Does this sound like thier OK.
For Christmas my h received a gift cert. to get a tatoo, he stated to my d (17) what am I going to do with this.. she replied you can get a#$*hole tatoo across your forhead... he only laughed... then last week I asked S if dad had called him for his 20th Birthday .. his reply "he's such a pu**y I don't know why he's doing this" My S (14) just wants him to come home.. but he is getting much better quality time then any one else or ever before...My H has not talked to any of the kids about his reason for leaving. I have told the older ones about the A, but not 14 yo..

Dear Dazed,

I don't think kids are EVER ok with it when one of their parents leave. Speaking as a child whose parents got divorced as a result of her father having an affair, I can tell you it was NOT ok. I saw the pain my mom suffered every day. My father and I were not really close, so it wasn't really that I "missed" him, but rather i was ANGRY with him for causing so much pain to my mother.
It's been 25 years now since their divorce and I have long ago released the anger toward my father.
My father never really talked to us about his affair. I do believe it is because he couldn't look at the pain he was causing directly in the face. If he looked directly at it, he would have had to stop what he was doing, and he didn't think he could.
Your 14 year old will most likely figure things out on his own anyway....eventually. The only advice I would give you here is to PLEASE just be careful not to bad-mouth your WH to your kids, because then they will feel split down the middle even more than they already do. Sometimes, even after all these years, I still feel split in half where my parents are concerned.

BTW, I am a FWW.....luckily for me, I was able to reconcile with my BH. Probably had something to do with knowing first-hand what divorce does to people.

(((((((((((Dazed)))))))))))))

NOW

I too come from a broken home.. so Iam pretty good with how to talk and treat the kids... I never speak bad about my H... we want him to come home... but they do see the pain he is causing in me.. somethings just can't be hidden... I felt bad that my oldest son was the only one to witness me having a total break down one afternoon.. All he said was "can I get you a tissue""" then helped me out with younger son the rest of the afternoon. (ie picked him up from school, then took him shopping stuff..like that)
By the way my children are my greatest source of joy.. they are the best.. and I never forget to tell them that...

Yes, children are great!! We did the best we could as kids to help my mother through that awful time, but since we WERE just kids, we just didn't fully understand what was happening. IT's really hard, as I understand now, to watch your kids hurting! I know it is bad enough that YOU are hurting, but then to see them hurt too....
I know my mother tried to protect us from a lot of what was going on, things I did not find out until much later. I love her for that!
On the bright side, kids are resilient. And you know we can't shield them from every pain, so this will strengthen them.
And if I ever break down in front of my kids, and one of them hands me a tissue, I'll know I raised a great person!!!!


(((((((((dazed)))))))))))))))) HUGS!

NOW

I don't know where I'd be without my kids. They are so supportive and caring. Each of them has reacted to this differently. There Mr. Anger, the one who has gone deep, deep, deep into himself (never a big talker to begin with) but probably is more optimistic than anyone else and DD who feel completely betrayed and abandoned. All she wants is for her dad to reach out and do something with or for without anybody telling him that that's what he needs to do.

Kids form their own opinions. They have to deal with their anger. They have to find their own relationship with their dad.

Just keep loving them all they need.

yes... but H needs to reliaze that for him to have a furture reletionship with them.. HE needs to comunicate with them..this is easy to do when they all have their own cell phones.. he just has to stop thinking about himself for a minute and think about them..

Yes, dazed, you are right. HE needs to take the initiative to communicate with his kids. I know that my mom had to have a "talk" with my dad because he never initiated anything with us. I think he was TOO uncomfortable with what he was doing to be around us!!! I think after she spoke to him about it he did make more of an effort. Unfortunately you can't make him do anything. By the way, over the years my dad has come to be the one who tries to get the whole family together....that makes me happy!

NOW

During the summer I went to visit my Dad and his wife (who he left my mother for 35 years ago).. he didin't know anything about my sit.. untill we got there and H called accussing me of doing things I did not do.. So it all came out and he was very supportive...go figure..