My WH, maybe I can finally call him FWH, has really been trying to prove himself. He tells me the only think he wants is for us to work out and be back w/ his family.

My problem is I need SF - something he is not ready to give - he says he has no desire, but is so very much attracted to me. He thinks his guilt will not let him go farther than kissing and hugging. I know that it is over - last contact w/ OW was 10/16/04 via her calling him on his now cancelled cell phone. He has been doing all the right things, but I can't help thinking he may be thinking of her or I am just a "friend" not a lover to him.

He beats himself up about all the pain he has caused and about how he can't look at himself in the mirror. I have trying so hard to reassure him that he is a good man, who fell - we are human, not perfect. I just need to be wanted. I want to be desired. But only by HIM.

Hi Betrayed,

I am a former WS....so I know how your husband feels right now. It is really difficult to overcome the guilt we feel, and yes, I too did not want SF for several months. I didn't understand why my husband would still want that with me....I worried that SF would always remind him that I was intimate with another man. There are so many things that go through a WS head, and it takes time to sort through all of them. My husband and I just talked about it a lot, tried to understand each other, and he was VERY patient with me and did not put any pressure on me to have SF. I can tell you, and he probably would jump in line ahead of me to tell you as well, that this was NOT EASY for him! I know that if he had pushed or pressured me, I would have backed away even more.

I did not think of OM when husband and I did have SF....other than feeling so so bad about what I had done.

Take things slow, don't push, and in time, he will respond to you!

Best wishes,

NOW

I am just afraid that he really would prefer her than me and that SF w/ me was not desirable. OW was the one that ended it and he had a hard time accepting the end.

It has been since 10/03 since we had any real SF. We had been separated for 15 weeks and I thought by the way he talked that he was interested in beginning again.

I think I need it more so now, is because of the betrayal. I have a strong need for his desire. Am I being ridiculous? I have not pressured him - I actually told him we could take it slow and I just asked him to be honest w/ me.

He also has lost the patience he once had, he looses his temper more than ever and I think it is his job, plus the guilt of the affair. He blurts out very hurtful comments and then apoligizes for it. Is that guilt? Is the guilt overwhelming him and his patience? He used to be so calm, so self-assured, so confident. Is that guilt? Or has he changed for the worst? How can I help him get back to him?

Hi,

Well, I’m sure he is riddled with guilt and that isn’t going to help him feel randy. This gets thrown around way too much, but has he been checked for depression? I know that that does kill the sex drive for many people.

Have you addressed the issue of why he had the affair in the first place? What needs was she fulfilling that he didn’t think that you were? If you can find them out I would start by working on them.

I think that you may wish to try a little flirting with your husband. Try to be a little playful. Go to Vitoria’s Secret and buy some new underwear, maybe a new nighty? Try some massages. Ask him to wash your back, maybe even join you in the tub.

Pepperband wrote a very suggestive post about ways to flirt with your spouse . . . I’ll see if I can find it. Geez I would love to be treated that way.

I don’t want to alarm you, but it took me a very long time until I felt comfortable in my own skin after my affair was over. Sometimes I sill kick my a$$ for the stuff I did. I will say that the desire to have sex with my wife did come back, especially after we began to address the problems our marriage was having. The affair was really a symptom of a very sick relationship.

Betrayed,

It could be that guilt is still eating at him. I remember having some "outbursts" because I was still trying to "defend" what I had done, even though my husband wasn't even pointing a finger at me anymore. It was all within myself.
Has he ever gone to counseling, either alone or to a marriage counselor with you? Those are two things I would recommend...I know it can be expensive, but can you really afford NOT to? Please consider it.
It could also be he is still in somewhat of a "fog" about the OW....holding on to the belief that the fantasy they had was real or thinking about what "could have been"....I know that this is painful for you to think about. But he is still with you, so on some level at least, I think he KNOWS that it was just a fantasy....just maybe doesn't want to totally believe or accept that yet.

You want him to be honest with you....if he is not, then you can't do anything to improve the situation. Try to get him to see that even though his honesty may hurt you, you still need him to be honest! He may be holding back for fear of hurting you further. If the time comes when he does open up, be careful how you respond. You have to make it "safe" for him to be open.
I am hoping some BS's here will chime in....I never had to implement Plan A or B since I was the wayward one, so I can't give much advice on that. I hope and pray that you are blessed in your marriage!

NOW

We were financially strapped and I think he associated all that w/ his life being bad, including me. He thinks it was his failure to get ahead and give me things he thought I wanted that depressed him. The OW was my friend and she stroked his ego and when she was dumped by her boyfriend, she ran to him and he felt like her rescuer.

Now he thinks she is nothing but trouble and is so relieved that I still want him. He was such a moral and sweet man before the A. I went to plan B and moved away from him (3000 miles) and believed this was the only thing that would wake him up. It was never a real Plan B - only stopped taking twice - once for 4 days and the other time 5 days. Both times being so difficult on him. He told OW he wanted his family back and was moving to me. He is w/ the government and is waiting impatiently for a transfer.

He has come twice in the last 6 months for 2 1/2 weeks each time and this last time he was close to tears (Not at all like him - very masuline) about leaving. He is very much into holding me, holding hands, kissing, washing my back when i was taking a bath, even touching as if we were going to go all the way - but he stops short. Why?

Ask him, darlin'....just ask him.

NOW,
He is reading "After the Affair" and plans on getting a book on anger managment. He wants to read first. He thinks once he gets back to me, we can work togther and if he reads enough now, he'll be better prepared for our working together.

I have asked, he states it's not me, it's him. not much of an answer. Confusing. I am trying to be patient and understanding. It feels like I am back to Plan A.

Dazed,

It is confusing, yes. And probably for him, too. Maybe he isn't really clear on "why" either. It took some time for me to figure that out for myself in my situation, too. Reading the book should help him....if he himself understood the "why" better, then he could do something about it. He is willing to read the book....that's AWESOME! It shows that he WANTS to want you and WANTS to understand! It may feel like crumbs being offered to you at this time, but it's a start!

This has been going on for almost two years - I thought that each month would get better and amazingly it has, I want my H back and I am willing to work hard, but I miss being desired. I feel so beat up and part of me questions, will it ever be better? Will we just be "friends"?

What did your spouse do to help ease your pain?