If you have followed my thread -My H blames me for his A. Yesterday I went to my counseling appt told my counselor that H wanted to attend. Counselor said that is fine but not just yet. He said I have to get stronger still and need to work on me. I called H and told him -he got angry and stared to demand that I call mc and tell him he has to see him -that he has his side to tell. That if I din't he would move out. His cell phone kept fading in and out -so I told H that I was coming to meet him for lunch. Which gave me a 1/2 hr to think. MC told me to act like he was in room when I talk to H. I did this and when I got to luch I explained as nice as I could that he has had 2 yrs to go thru his experience and that I have had less than 2 months. That if he was unwilling to give me my time and counceling then a seperation was the only way. He told me that he is over everything and feels that if he was over it than I should be too, and can see that I need more time. I just feel no feelings for him and am going thru the motions of being married to this man -having sex,kissing hugging and not feeling anything. Has anybody else felt this way ? Please help me.

When I try to talk to my H about any of his lies, deceptions or just plain bullsh*t, he will often snarl at me that "I have no idea who he really is." Oh, yes I do. I know very well that he's the guy who freely chose to lie to me and cut me out of his life so his tramps at work could be in it instead. But he doesn't like having to think of himself this way, so he will try to bully me into backing down from the truth.

He doesn't like this because he thinks he is such a great guy. Everybody at work tells him so. So, he takes it out on me because I'm the only one who will stand up to him -- I'm the only one who doesn't buy his bullsh*t anymore, and that makes him VERY angry and frustrated.

Your H is doing the same thing to you. The bullying and the stonewalling is meant to force you to back off so he can pretend he didn't do anything wrong, and also so he doesn't have to get his hands dirty cleaning up the mess he made.

He wants all of this to be YOUR problem so that it doesn't have to be HIS problem. I can only tell you that if he is not willing to help you through this, your marriage will not recover. You cannot be married by yourself -- certainly not in anything resembling a healthy relationship.

I can only tell you to spell it out for him very clearly as to what you need from him in order to heal. If all you get in return is stonewalling, anger and bullying, you've got your answer.

Good luck. This is probably the worst part of this -- not just that they could lie and cheat in the first place, but that they are 100% willing to let YOU pay the price so THEY don't have to.
Mulan

realtor, mulan

Have you're H's spoken with my WW?

They say and do the same things!

My WW went from a nice kind person to the type of person she used to hate.
She is a bully, she talks down to me, wont take responsability for her A.

Likes to blame me for what has gone on. Tell's me that her OM lokes her the way she is. She has no interest in talking like a sane person. Her OM has assisted her in thinking this is an ok way to live. Everyone likes me at work, why wont you take me for who I am?

Hmmmmmm, fog travels a long way. We are in Canada and the fog bank is here as well.

P.S

My WW's A has lasted well over a year, and she thinks it should take me a week to get over! Her fog is thick...

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: alank ]</small>

I, too, hit points where I am so tired & worn down. D day was back in 6/03. In 9/03 WH promised NC, said he called OW & told her. 11/03 he contacted her via e-mail "just to wish her happy holidays". Confronted him & told him we were at a fork in the road. It was to end completely & we were to go to MC or I was finished. Entered MC the next week. Didn't really expect him to show up for 1st appt. but he did. Sessions went well, had a ceremony of sorts in a session in 1/04 where he pledged he never wanted to hurt me that way again & that there would be no contact. From then on he hasn't contacted her but he's the "victim" of her calls & talked to her the 2 times she called. In August she called & he talked to her. He came home & told me about her call as if an old friend had called & I'd be interested in the update. When I called him on breaking his promise, he told me he'd forgotten it. He told me he'd do whatever it took to assure me there would be no more contact. I told him he'd have to call her with me listening in & tell her to never contact him again, that when she came to the west coast to visit family (she lives on the east coast now) she was not to come into the store. He made the call. However, in her call she'd told him she was coming out west at Christmas. He's come to see that I'm pretty capable of predicting her behavior & agreed it was highly likely she'd ignore his request so assured me that in spite of his fears of how to handle it with employees & customers around he'd have her leave immediately. In spite of the promise I dreaded the holidays. I was out of town for training for 6 weeks & didn't get back until the week of Thanksgiving. Since I've been back I've been seeing a lot of the guy I married, but his promises were broken so many time throughout this I no longer had any trust that he'd keep his promise this time. Yesterday morning we had a big discussion about how our recovery was progressing. I told him what happened in August was my final straw, that it was going to be a long time before I'd believe in him, that he's got a lot to do to prove he's trustworthy. He was amazed I'd feel that way because he believes he's such an honest, straight-forward, trustworthy guy. I told him he used to be but with the A he'd become a different man, a deceitful person who's lied & who's promises were empty. I listed out each time he'd made a NC promise to me only to break it & that the August incident destroyed any willingness I have to immediately trust him. My belief in him could only come with time & him proving himself to be open, honest & trustworthy. It really shook him up. I'm hoping he finally has a deep understanding of how hurt I am & what it really will take to re-establish our relationship.

How long does this FOG last ? I am emotionless - I can't even cry - I need to cry - I have so much pain locked up inside. he says his A was not a PA yet he continues to lie and blame me. He is a bully and he never used to be. My tender guys is different and maybe I just never saw him for what he truely is. His family is like this and since we moved closer to them he has changed into them. If he does not come all the way back to who he was it will be over. He needs to be straight with me -how long will it take

They don't get what they've done to us. They don't get what they've done to our kids. They don't get what they've done to our community. My WH gets angry whenever I say "us". He says there's no us, it's just between you and me. Doesn't like the Royal We either.

All these WS follow the same script: It's the BS fault. They've drifted away. They didn't mean to follow in love/lust. They've never loved us. I'm sure I've forgotten a few here.

I think the fog goes for miles and miles. I'm willing to bet that even when they come out of it, there will still be patches of it over certain parts of their thinking.

I will be away for a few days. Going to help fix father-in-laws trailer with WH -wishing I could say exwh - I have realized my H has been bullying me and am putting a stop to this and will do as I want from now on. I don't want to go over to father-in-laws because of his family but do not want to be with out H for 2-3 days. Need tohelp himect - trying to show unity - also need to talk. We were suppsoed to go away these next few days to work on our marriage ect. Now its work for in-laws- or should I say out laws. They are the slime pits of the world. I will smile and leave if it gets rough -then I will know just what he wants. If he has his sister an her husband around or wants to stay at their home I will pack up and come home. I seem to get lost over where they live but have decided that I can stop and get directions. It is time for him to choose either me or his family and this is it. This has been going on since we move south closer to that insane family. Part of our problems - I will bring my cell phone to get help if I need it. Feeling stronger with my decisions. I am a strong woman and can make it on my own. His family blames others for what they do, they are dirty and have roaches in their homes except for father-in law. I can get a motel room if I have to. I can find my way home. I just can't take anymore abuse, neglect and I can't be blamed for what they do. I am tired of my life.

Good Luck realtor. Saying no is so hard sometimes. BUt, I know about the outlaws. I had minimal contact with MIL for years! SHe didn't approve of me and showed it. So, my compromise was go see your Mommy. THis time alone is my private time. Kept me from getting totally PO'd.

BTW,we did find a happy medium until just before Christams when she once again enabled WH's adultery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But, I called her on it and we are speaking again. Don't trust her at all but I still can get info and check stories if we speak. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have had no contact whith these lying, stealing, drunken itiots for almost 1 year now- everytime I see them they steal something of mine. I hate them and do not feel sorry for them. Hope to get a few pieces of my jselery back when I go see their house. I have missed so many nice peices of jewlery over these last 8 years. I will ck my SIL jewlery box for them if I get a chance. I am sure she will hide them as she knows we are coming. I hate going as I know my H is calling them and making plans and keeping me out of the loop - I am tired of living on the outside of his life. Is this another form of his bullying his making plans for us and not telling me ? I think so but not sure. I started a journal yesterday and plan to write all mythoughts down. Wish H could plan something romantic for us instead of this. I really to don have the strenth to visit his family right now. Hopefully I can keep my temper under control wtih all of them. If its gets bad I will just get in the car and drive home. What H has done in the past is drink and them tell me I have a couple of drinks so we are staying the night. I do not want to drive after a few drinks. So I am buying some bottled water and will drink only that at their house if he has just one drink I will get in my car and leave. It may end my M but that is fine at this point. I am sick of being munipulated by him and his family.

realtor? OMG. I think I would have reported my jelwelry stolen to th epolice. THose stealsng so and sos. And you WH did nothing? Whoah. big red flag, IMO.

Yes, bring your own water. ANd food! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Can you stay in a hotel away from their place? Yuck. {{realtor}} Good luck.

Yes I can and will - just had a hard time driving to office this am - heard our wedding song -omg- started cyring like a fountain - almost had car accident. My endless love -two hearts beating as one. That is how we used to be. Omg -feel so sick to stomach - how can I go on like this.

{{{realtor}}} I am so there with you! The wedding song my WH dedicated to me: "RIght here waiting for you" by Richard Marx came on while I was at work" I had to run outside and put my sunglasses on - in the rain as I walked it off. Then it came on again on my drive home. On the same day! I had to pull over.

I can only offer my sympathy and understanding. I STILL cry every day at the betrayal, the insensitivity, the unfairness and the lies. And, if my mind creeps to the thought of WH in bed with OW I am physically sick. How could they? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I don't think I can work today - the counselor said this would happen and it is -my eyes are swollen who wants a realotr with teary eyes?? May need to call it a day and just go home..pack my stuff for the awful trip tomorrow.

Are you taking any ADs? THey do help. And hang in there. THis is a really rough road that we are on. If you can't work today, make it a day about you! Get a massage or a bubble bath or something pampering. It does help.

I took them last year and they did not help just amde things worse -my mc does not like drugs -feels I need to work this out and i really like him -he is blatantly honest just like me - I tend to tell it like it is and sometimes have to shut up and not say something until I can say it in a nice way and not swear and scream..who knows maybe Sunday I will loose total control...when I am with his family..not much patience left with them

realtor. I was very much like you and refused to get ADs. But, I have really changed my opinion on them. THe newer ones DO NOT make you dopey or buzzed or anything. THey do not take the pain away. What they do is CORRECT you brain's chemical imbalance. WHen you are in a sitch like ours, you are depressed. UH DUH! So there are HUGE dips in the seratonin, endorphon? Whatever the chemical is that you need to function well mentally. So, the new ADs correct that imbalance. You are still you. Just thinking more clearly. And you need to be able to THINK your way through this NOT feel you way. So, please reconsider. Honest they make a difference. If you had a bad reaction, they were the wrong ones. Try a different one until you find one that works. ANd, remember the new ones need about 4-6 weeks to start working as they are very low dose and your brain needs to "ramp up".