Well, it has been awhile but I am still hangin in there year. My WH and STBX husband served me divorce papers a few days prior to Christmas...Merry Christmas, eh? The worse part was the fact that the woman who was supposively serving as our mediator misrepresented herself and actually was helping my WH out. My lawyer felt obligated to report her and as a result, I believe she has been cited by the state of Cali for fraud and will be forced to back out of this case.

I am sick of being walked over, lied to, and taken advantage of. I finally have representation from a lawyer who is going to help me with the legalities of divorce. And she is GOOD...has received many accolades from the big names in the industry. Somehow though, I can't help but to feel guilty about bringing a lawyer into this. Despite all the hurt WH has caused me, I don't want to hurt him. I do want what is legally correct though and that is why I sought out a lawyer to teach me what is correct. I can no longer trust anything my WH or anyone associated with him tells me as I have been lied to too much this past year. In fact, WH may have lied to me for much longer than this past year...ugh. It really hurts and is somewhat embarassing to think I gave my heart, my love to someone who had a history of cheatin, lying, and stealing even before we bonded. Even though I believe people can change for the better, this pattern stems to deep into his past and unfortunately, I was merely part of one of the many lives my WH has lived.

On New Year's Eve, I was around a close friend of mine...she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. He also cheated on her...watching them bicker at the bar caused me to see flashes of my WH 10 years from now, over-the-hill, still cheatin, gettin drunk, and verbally abusing his partner. I have no respect for the man my WH has become...it is sad but really he doesn't have much going for him with respect to his character.

-K

Me: 28 yo
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years
His Affair: Started in 2003 and continues
D-Day: May 22,2004; he immediately left
Plan A thru Nov, Plan B thru Dec, Served papers a few days prior to Christmas. Divorce to finalized 4 years after our marriage. The man I married has truly become a stranger...I no longer see any of the good qualities I fell in love with.

K, you know you have to look out for yourself.

If somebody tried to steal your wallet, would you feel guilty for fighting him off?

I admire your compassion. I'm reading some things about forgiveness, trying to figure out what to do in that area in my own life.

During my M, there were a few people from my wife's past who conspicuously avoided her. To hear her tell it, a few women resented her for dating guys they wanted for themselves, and some guys resented her for moving on after they'd broken up with her. It was one of those snake-eating-itself social groups where people dated, broke up, and everybody stayed in the same little group. The sparrow always portrayed the people who avoided her as petty and immature. Now I wonder whether these people had legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with her.

I'll probably never know.

Sounds like your H has some mysteries in his history too.

K, defend yourself, sis.

GC

K,

Sorry to hear of your situation. I recently sought the advice of a lawyer concerning my WH. I did not want to do it, but felt I had to for my own protection and that of our children. I discovered WH's most recent A after suspecting something was wrong. He's had at least 2 other A's, but he told me about those. We've been in limbo for 2 years with him not making any effort to reconcile or work at our marriage. Finding out about most recent A was the last straw for me. I'm done. I didn't like the idea of getting lawyer, but found out he'd already seen one in November. He doesn't know I know that though. I feel like this is the only way to ensure I'll get custody of the kids and the settlement I deserve. He's a lying cheater and I am so angry and hurt. I'm done being a doormat.

This is all so surreal. My WH keeps stabbing me...saying I am the one "making things ugly" by bringing a lawyer into this. He had one from day one...she just misrepresented herself. I told him that I merely sought out a lawyer to learn what is legally correct. My WH was the one who told me Cali has a 50/50 lawyer so I told him the lawyer is going to determine what is a fair 50/50 split since neither of us are experts in family law.

WH was able to walk all over for me for so long, cheatin behind my back, lyin to me, stealin, verbally abusing me. I think he believes he can continue this abuse and get away with it. I think he is trying to rattle me because he does have skeletons in his closet that the lawyer will most likely expose and ultimately bring undesirable consequences to him. I just don't know...I do know that our finances just never added up which leads me and many others to believe that he was putting his income/funds into another account from the moment he stepped outside of our marriage and perhaps even earlier. Guess only time will tell. I hate that he is belittling me, trying to make me the "bad guy" when all I did was fight for our marriage for 7 months before being forced to seek out help to resolve our divorce in a legally "fair" manner.

GC...I haven't been around for awhile...did you ever get served by the sparrow? Keep your head high! You're in the Pacific Northwest, right? Well, you'd be happy to know that San Diego has the Seattle-ridden rain skies (we have more recorded rain than Seattle this year) and Florida hurrican ridden winds (we had hurricane strength winds that have uprooted 3-story high Eucalyptus trees...damn, there was a tornado in LA last week!). This weather is crazy....very symbolic, I guess. Is it sunny by you?

SS...It is nice to see others standing up for themselves. I am kind of embarassed for my doormat behavior for so long, especially since I am the type of person who has always stood up for herself, for others, for what is right. I guess I stood up for my beliefs in marriage, in love, but in the process, I was walked over, stomped on, and stabbed...am done with that and I am glad to hear you are standing up for yourself too.

-K

This is all so surreal. My WH keeps stabbing me...saying I am the one "making things ugly" by bringing a lawyer into this. He had one from day one...she just misrepresented herself. I told him that I merely sought out a lawyer to learn what is legally correct. My WH was the one who told me Cali has a 50/50 lawyer so I told him the lawyer is going to determine what is a fair 50/50 split since neither of us are experts in family law.

WH was able to walk all over for me for so long, cheatin behind my back, lyin to me, stealin, verbally abusing me. I think he believes he can continue this abuse and get away with it. I think he is trying to rattle me because he does have skeletons in his closet that the lawyer will most likely expose and ultimately bring undesirable consequences to him. I just don't know...I do know that our finances just never added up which leads me and many others to believe that he was putting his income/funds into another account from the moment he stepped outside of our marriage and perhaps even earlier. Guess only time will tell. I hate that he is belittling me, trying to make me the "bad guy" when all I did was fight for our marriage for 7 months before being forced to seek out help to resolve our divorce in a legally "fair" manner.

GC...I haven't been around for awhile...did you ever get served by the sparrow? Keep your head high! You're in the Pacific Northwest, right? Well, you'd be happy to know that San Diego has the Seattle-ridden rain skies (we have more recorded rain than Seattle this year) and Florida hurrican ridden winds (we had hurricane strength winds that have uprooted 3-story high Eucalyptus trees...damn, there was a tornado in LA last week!). This weather is crazy....very symbolic, I guess. Is it sunny by you?

SS...It is nice to see others standing up for themselves. I am kind of embarassed for my doormat behavior for so long, especially since I am the type of person who has always stood up for herself, for others, for what is right. I guess I stood up for my beliefs in marriage, in love, but in the process, I was walked over, stomped on, and stabbed...am done with that and I am glad to hear you are standing up for yourself too.

-K

K, I was served in July, and I live in Minnesota.

The sparrow never filed, and it's all being done through lawyers. I went to plan B in October, and I am absolutely strict. I have had zero contact with her since 10/13.

I'll be divorced very soon. I just have some hoops I need to jump through - things I need to take care of that I'm not motivated to do. She's going to have to wait.

It seems you've suddenly discovered that your efforts to be good-hearted and giving have made you vulnerable to a man you thought was only troubled and confused, but who turned out to be a shark!

Batten down the hatches, darlin'. Like it or not, you're in a war. The no-fault situation makes it so there's not much reason to get in a nasty battle over finances, but he owes you money, and I hope you find a way to get it back!

GC

Hey GC...my bad, Minnesota, eh? I am a Chicago native originally. You guys probably will get the brunt of the this crazy Pacific West storm in the form of snow...lucky you. I actually like snow...used to snowmobile in Wisconsin and cc ski in Illinois before I moved out here. I don't miss the cold though!

Sorry to hear about being served...I remember in my darkest days (June) exchanging messages with all you but in all honesty, this whole experience has been a big blur. I have kept all the e-mail exchanges between WH and I these past 7 months as I thought they may be useful in the future (my lawyer now has them)...anyways, I was rereading all these messages and realizing that I never once lashed out at him, was always very mature and understanding. He frequently was mature but more often than not, he would be very immature, transforming a lot of undeserved anger onto me. It is just crazy how quickly this transformation occurred. It was like one moment we were smiling, holding each other and talking about family and buying a house and the next moment he was stabbing my heart over and over, taking advantage of me, wanting nothing to do with me. Oh well, what is done is done...nothing will ever be the same but I can hold my head high knowing I stayed true to my morals, my beliefs as to what love and marriage is and will carry this same morals into my next relationship, my next marriage.

Have a nice weekend,

-K

Ok, I am bawling again...I just was called "viscious" and accused of slander based on what I posted here from my WH's MIL, someone I have had a great relationship with. I have never been called "viscious" in my 28 years of life and it hurts so much! I have not hired a lawyer to make things "ugly" as WH puts it. In Cali, there is no such thing since it a cut and dry 50/50 split of property/finances. Where is this coming from...I just hurt so much all over again. I feel like once again, I have been betrayed by someone I thought loved me.

-K

kjb23,

Does your MIL read here on MB?

I've never posted to you before, but I've followed your story.

First of all, blood is ALWAYS thicker than water. Ultimately, her alliance is going to be with her son. This is often difficult to understand, but it is very common. YOU, kjb23, did nothing wrong. You may have contributed to the situation that your marriage was in, BUT your WH is the one who chose to have the affair. Period! Now, he wants a divorce and YOU, darlin', have to protect yourself. Your MIL may not like it - tough! She may know about WH's skeletons and she may try to protect him. He's her son, so that's understandable. You cannot expect this family's loyalty because they will not give it to you. She may have been "nice" in the past, but now Momma Bear is coming and out and she's out to protect her cub (your WH).

You have to do everything that you can to protect yourself, your life and your finances. It doesn't matter if she likes it or not. Don't let her get to you. Keep the lawyer and keep pressing for YOUR rights.

You are still so young, kjb, you will find love again. Let this be a lesson learned. Don't cry -MIL and WH are not worth your tears.

Don't worry; things will be alright. You are in the most beautiful city in the U.S. (at least in my opinion...)

Take care, girl!

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kjb23:
<strong> Ok, I am bawling again...I just was called "viscious" and accused of slander based on what I posted here from my WH's MIL, someone I have had a great relationship with. I have never been called "viscious" in my 28 years of life and it hurts so much! I have not hired a lawyer to make things "ugly" as WH puts it. In Cali, there is no such thing since it a cut and dry 50/50 split of property/finances. Where is this coming from...I just hurt so much all over again. I feel like once again, I have been betrayed by someone I thought loved me.

-K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks Kati,

I agree...San Diego is awesome. I am a Chicago native and while I love the city, I love Southern Cal's environment better ( :

I responded to my MIL by stating that I didn't think it was appropriate for her to call me vicious or make such quick assumptions about me based on some words that were partially
misintepreted but sadly true about her son (with regards to cheating and lying). I did apologize for the comment about not trusting anyone associated with my WH because I really just meant my WH and the mediator who misrepresented herself, not my MIL. She really has been great, consoling me and lending me a listening ear this past year. I did tell her that I understand that as a good mother, she needs to be loyal to her son which means if she no longer desires to speak to me cuz of anger associated with me hiring a lawyer or talking the truth about the horrible behavior her son has engaged in this past year that I will have to accept that. It just hurts cuz I feel like I have been betrayed once again by the ones I trust and loved the most these past 5 years of my life. The craziest part is that bringing a lawyer into things here in Cali doesn't mean anything but fair as this state has a 50/50 law so why am I all of the sudden the "bad" guy?

Today, I have felt nauseous and I didn't sleep again last night. I am trying to hold myself together cuz I got a lot of awesome things to look forward to in 2005 that I have to stay healthy for.

-K

Hey there kjb...
I haven't been around much lately either. Found myself feeling in the dumps again so I thought I'd stop by and say hi.
I'm sorry to hear that your STBXH is making things hard for you. I guess DV is almost always hard on one of the people involved.
Sorry I didn't get to see you during the holidays. Let me know when you are in the area again.

I understand, kjb23. Your MIL is probably hurt as well and she is lashing out. Mothers often do that; I know mine does.

You will need to let them go. I know that this is hard and it once felt awesome to be part of this family, but it will be easier for you when you let them go and this includes your MIL.

Right now, you need to look out for yourself and you need to make sure that you are okay. Only THIS is important.

You are still very young from what I've seen on the MB Photo Thread, you are attractive and you will have a good future ahead of you. You WILL find love again and it will probably be better and more intense than anything that you have ever felt with your WH. I know that because you will have learned so much going thru this and reading here on MB.

Let them go. They are not your family. You will be fine.

Hope the rains have stopped in beautiful SoCal.

Take care
Kati

Ivory...hope you had a nice holiday. Sorry we missed each other. I am not sure when I'll be back as I have entered my extreme season with respect to my business but I do plan on coming back in the summer sometime. What have you been up to?

Kati...thanks again. We got slammed with rain again last night. There was a deadly mudslide just north of here and the flooding/pothole situation is just pure craziness. I am fortunate in that I don't have to drive much since my business is out of home. This weather definitely is affecting my mood...find myself crying more lately. Of course, the recent outburst of anger directed at me hasn't helped my sadness but I am trying to keep my head high. While I know the dynamics of my relationship with my former family (WH, MIL, FIL) will change, I can't see myself completely losing touch....just not like me. I know once I have moved on and am fully embraced in the arms of a new family, I will be able to look back and know that I am better off BUT it is hard to see right now. I have a junkload of friends here and elsewhere but somehow I have this deep emptiness/hallowness, a feeling of loneliness that seemingly has overtaken my heart for the moment. I know that a big part of my life dreams includes sharing my love with a man and starting a family and I feel like these visions that were just in my hands have been stripped away from me so it is really hard to accept entering the unknown when this part of my life had so much direction just 8 months ago. I have a lot of great friends who are well into their 30's or 40's who are still single and desire families too...I don't want to spend the next 10 years of my life with this big dream fading before my eyes. Ugh...hope the sun comes out soon. There is a direct correlation between mood and natural light and I think this is really affecting me now. Thanks for the encouragement ( :

-K

kjb23,

I can very much relate to this feeling. Today my best friend called me to tell me that she's pregnant. She was the last one in my group of girlfriends who wasn't yet pregnant or didn't have any children yet. I'm very happy for her; actually I'm thrilled. She will make an awesome Mom.

During the last couple of weeks, I had noticed that some of my girlfriends had not been calling much and I had wrecked my brain trying to find out if I had done something wrong. I think they just feel bad and my friend didn't know how to tell me.

I do have to admit that during our conversation, my eyes started tearing up and I had a huge lump in my throat, but I got thru it. I'm okay. It still hurts, a lot. But I'll be fine.

I have the same dreams like you and I'm not giving up on those dreams and don't you either, okay?

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kjb23:

<strong> but somehow I have this deep emptiness/hallowness, a feeling of loneliness that seemingly has overtaken my heart for the moment. I know that a big part of my life dreams includes sharing my love with a man and starting a family and I feel like these visions that were just in my hands have been stripped away from me so it is really hard to accept entering the unknown when this part of my life had so much direction just 8 months ago.
-K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Kati...it does sound we are very much alike. This summer, during Ironman week, I was wandering around with my friend Lisa and my mom. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was an "Iron" couple strolling there lil one around. My STBX husband was once part of this world so I couldn't help but to have flashed of him and also be envious. My entire wedding party essentially was married within 6 months of me and they have started families this past year; my STBX's wedding party are pretty much in the same boat too and I really don't see us as any different yet that WH apparently didn't want this with me. My brother's wife just had a baby, my older sister had her first baby on my D-Day, my mom is on cloud nine and I feel sad that I cannot bring a child into the world with my siblings and friends and also for my parents/grandparents to enjoy. I know it is bound to happen with the right man at some point in time but it is really hard to watch my friends with their husbands just 3 years after marriage so smitten starting families like I thought WH and I were. Tears are flowing once again...can't wait for a couple years from now to see where we are at. I just saw the movie Sideways and they portrayed a middle aged man who had an affair during his marriage, consequently was divorced, and had an run-in with his ex-wife who was happily remarried and pregnant just 2 years later. It would be nice to be in the same boat by the time I'm 30 years old.

Happy Tuesday...sun is finally shining here in San Diego ( :

-K

I know it's hard and painful. I'm still with my husband and things have been better, but I know that I have a long road ahead of me and everything is still so uncertain.

I often feel like a failure and I know that my parents are in a way disappointed in me. My Mom told me the other day that she is often so envious of her friends when they show pics of their grandkids. It hurts me to hear this, but I understand how she feels. She said that a mother always dreams and pictures a certain life for her children and she's about to give up on her dreams.

Don't cry though. I told myself that I'm not going to cry anymore (at least I'll try) because I don't wanna have red and puffy eyes anymore. I'm too pretty for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I admire you for being so physically fit and disciplined. I also do a lot of sports, but I'm far from any ironman competition. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You'll see that in a few years this will be all in the back of your mind and you will live a beautiful life.

Kati
P.S. I got married in SD. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Kati...it helps to hear inspiring words. I wish I could say that my WH was man enough to work on our marriage but he apparently is not....there is nothing I can do but hold my head high knowing I did not do anything wrong and have taken the high road the entire journey together, both good and bad.

Where in San Diego did you get married? My WH and I got married at Cuvier Park, aka "the Wedding Bowl", about 1/4 mile south of La Jolla Cove overlooking the ocean. It was a beautiful sunny warm day in June, the happiest day of my life; it was my dream wedding and I will never forget the experience.

Thanks again,

-K

We got married in a Catholic Church in National City and had a reception at a park afterwards. It was beautiful. SD is my home away from home. I truly love this place and I wish that we could return.

I hope that you are feeling better today. You have every reason to hold your head up high and please don't ever look back. Keep moving forward. You have so much going for yourself. Sometimes, in all the fog, we loose track of those things.

I can almost promise you that two years from now you will look back and this will all be distant memory and you will be so happy. You believe that, okay?

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kjb23:
<strong> Thanks Kati...it helps to hear inspiring words. I wish I could say that my WH was man enough to work on our marriage but he apparently is not....there is nothing I can do but hold my head high knowing I did not do anything wrong and have taken the high road the entire journey together, both good and bad.

Where in San Diego did you get married? My WH and I got married at Cuvier Park, aka "the Wedding Bowl", about 1/4 mile south of La Jolla Cove overlooking the ocean. It was a beautiful sunny warm day in June, the happiest day of my life; it was my dream wedding and I will never forget the experience.

Thanks again,

-K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hey kati...movin forward I am but boy am I rattled today. I received copies of all our bank statements and looking at all the costs incurred cuz of flowers, hotel bills, food/bar bills, phone calls made to OW (I finally know her name), other gifts, as well as lack of income coming into our joint acct for an entire year is very demoralizing...my WH has been leading a double life for awhile now and I was clueless or shall I say trusting like a faithful wife should be. I am guessing he had an emotional affair as soon as a year post marriage and this emotional affair obviously became physical soon thereafter...the rest is history including our marriage. I have completely lost my respect for him....how could he do this to me after all we have been through together...it is really sickening. My face is beat red, I am shaking..... We'll see if OW respects my request of a phone call back.

-K

I guess my WH is just not marriage type...he gave it a run, I was the victim, and now he is back to enjoying bachelorhood. It is just so surreal that he kept this hidden for so long...can't believe he was bringing OW to hotels behind my back and buying her flowers while he was still speaking the words, "I love you" to me. I feel so violated....