It really saddens me to see so many people dealing with infidelity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Honestly, what's the point in getting married this day and age? 50% of all marriages end in divorce, 20% of the marriages that don't are "separated"...which leaves a meager 30% success rate. I feel as though the odds are against me.

For me it's been 5 years to the month of my first D-day. My H was kind enough to inform me of his indiscretions while I was in the hospital for pre-term labor. He even had OW meet him at the hospital, in my room no less, so she could take him home. Shortly thereafter OW was at a party that my H and I were attending showing off her ultrasound pics (even to me) not knowing that my H had told me she was pregnant and the baby was his. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Even after all this time, thinking of these things creates a rage in me I'm afraid will never dissipate.
I have done many things since finding out that I am utterly ashamed of. I have experienced bouts of anger and violence, I have retaliated against my H and OW reducing myself to their level, and I have experienced moments of barely controlled anger toward OC. My H's affair and my choice to stay with him have, at times, turned me into everything I hate about my H and his insidious behavior.

When will it end?

When will we stop fighting about mistakes made so long ago? When will I ever feel the safety and security in my H's arms that I cherished so much the day we were married?

Most importantly, when will I be able to learn to trust again? My H's betrayal not only ruined the haven of our marriage, but also my ability to trust anyone in general. I find myself looking at everyone as though they are just waiting for the opportunity to shove a knife in my back.

I tried counseling once, sometime ago, and found that it was useless. Not through any fault of the psychologist, but because of my own inability to be completely honest with her about the happenings in my marriage. How would she look at me if she knew the truth? Certainly she would judge me, as I have been judged by my H, his family, my family, and myself.

I find myself in a peculiar situation. It has been five years, yet every dealing with OW, OW's lawyer, or OC brings back the tight, sickening knot in my stomach I had grown so accustomed to while in the midst of my H's extracurricular activities. The knot (and you all know which one I'm talking about) I thought I could lose once and for all. And now, I'm asking, when does it end?

I love my H. For the past two years he has been loyal, honest, faithful, and loving - yet I am still afraid to allow myself the comfort of trust. If it's been five years and I'm still hurt, angry, bitter, and defensive am I niave to think this marriage will work?

I have better days, worse days, and days where the numbness takes over - but truly happy days? Rare and far between.

I probably still need counseling. How do all of you manage day-to-day? How can I learn to be a better partner?

TheMourningAfter,

What does he do to gain trust from you ?. What does he do to be a better partner ?

MB has a 4 rules of recovery to avoid resentment.
Have both of you work on it ?

-rh-

Mourning

I'm afraid I can't help you, I'm right smack dab in the middle of my husbands infidelity, so I have no words of comfort for you.

I think that counseling is probably a good idea, just be honest with them, I'm sure that they've heard worse, and don't worry about them judging you......I know mine probably thinks I'm completely whacked in the head, but you know what, I don't give a $hit.

-Caren

I'm not so sure that this post is going to be all that comforting... well, it might be.

It depends on how you take it.

It's your choice...

...which brings me to the point of this reply.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TheMourningAfter:
<strong>When will we stop fighting about mistakes made so long ago? When will I ever feel the safety and security in my H's arms that I cherished so much the day we were married?

Most importantly, when will I be able to learn to trust again?...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When will you choose to? Everytime you allow your mouth to run off, uncontrolled, it is a choice. So if you want to stop fighting about mistakes made so long ago... well, then stop.

UNLESS... the issues have not been resolved.

Have they been resolved?

Is the behaviour that caused you that pain still happening? Is there a risk of it happening again? Do you feel that you both learned from those mistakes so long ago, or are those mistakes just waiting to happen again?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TheMourningAfter:
<strong> My H's betrayal not only ruined the haven of our marriage, but also my ability to trust anyone in general. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, certainly an affair destroys the haven of a marriage. Not much else that'll do it so effectively either... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> BUT, from your post, I understand that happened quite some time again. You said your H has been proving himself loyal, honest and loving. What have YOU done to help rebuild that which was shaken?

Certainly you know that harboring so much resentment can't possibly be good for either you, your H, or your marriage in general...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TheMourningAfter:
<strong>I tried counseling once, sometime ago, and found that it was useless. Not through any fault of the psychologist, but because of my own inability to be completely honest with her about the happenings in my marriage. How would she look at me if she knew the truth? Certainly she would judge me, as I have been judged by my H, his family, my family, and myself.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, that's the funny thing about being judged. It isn't very fun. But sometimes we earn it. (Holy cow, could I write a book on this one) And when that is true, the best thing to do (despite how uncomfortable) is to face up to that judgement. Own it.

At the same time, realize that your past actions do not equal your future actions.

By facing up to your acts, by acknowledging them you can then choose to move on and improve yourself by changing that within you which led you to make the decisions that you feel judged for.

Don't face up to them and they'll dog you forever.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TheMourningAfter:
<strong>The knot (and you all know which one I'm talking about) I thought I could lose once and for all. And now, I'm asking, when does it end?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...

It's my experience that that to is a choice.

Let me explain.

My wife's affair with our roommate started last November. By the end of December, I'd lost almost 20 pounds and was having DAILY anxiety attacks. She refused to stop her affair, which was happening right down the hall from me and I finally had to leave to save my sanity. I spent from Jan to June as a single parent to a VERY upset and scared 8yr old. It was pretty harsh. She was pretty heartless and cold during the whole thing. I was constantly made to feel like an intruder and though she could see my pain, she kept it up.

Now that's just a (VERY brief)summary, there's tons more twists in this plot, but my point is that there's a lot to forgive there. There's ample opportunity for (fully justified) resentment and bitterness.

BUT I have FORGIVEN my wife.

How?

I put myself in her shoes. I looked at the situation of our marriage and life together before this affair, and I find it hard NOT to understand how she'd have wanted out.

I looked at the needs OP was filling and understood how I was not meeting them. I understood that I SHOULD have been meeting them.

I realized that I had a huge hand in allowing the situation to develop. Did I make the choice for her? No, but I certainly help set up a situation where the choice to have an affair seemed like an attractive one.

Now, with all those realization taking up space in my brain, there isn't much room left for blame. And were there is no blame, it's hard to find resentment. And where there's no resentment, it's hard to find bitterness.

Hey, I still have days where the little demon pokes his head up and I have to swat it down. Usually a little thinking about it will point to what I'm really upset about and then my focus changes and I'm in a postion the do something proactive or at least think something proactive.

So anyway, there ya go. Not very comforting, I guess, but I hope you see where I'm coming from.

Oh yeah, one last thing. Check out my sig. It is a passage that has really helped me forgive my W AND the OP.

Take care,

dewt

I agree with Dewt about the passage in his sig line. I still click it on once in awhile, when I forget what we are ALL here on this earth for.

I don't think most people can understand what betrayal to a woman who is pregnant can do to her. I do, because it happened to me, back in 1994. I opted out, I knew I could never get over that pain if I stayed with him.

nd I have experienced moments of barely controlled anger toward OC.

Now this concerns me. I assume that you have this OC and your own young child, maybe more.

Find a way to work through this and bring love back into your life. These children NEED this from you, and will not be okay ever, without it.

Find the love within yourself, so you can love those babies. And then you will know joy again.

Blessings,
weaver