Hi,

I have posted a few times but do not usually get many responses. I know there are so many people on this forum who are also hurting. This in itself is so depressing. All the infidelity going on makes me so sick.

I don't even know what I want from this forum anymore...encouragement, validation or what? Tonight I just feel so lost and alone. I am in Plan B (trying at least) but I make the mistake of talking with my WH about the kids and finances and it always goes the wrong direction.

Last night he called twice and he told me he wants me to come home. He says he will end it with OW and that he just wants us home. Told me he would let me know when it is "safe" to come home. Been there, done that. Then he told me he would call tonight. DD age five was expecting him to call. No call. I can pretty much assume I know where he is. I am so sick of the lies. Somebody please tell me how to be stronger and shut this man off completely. I want to but I feel powerless to do so. I jump at every crumb he throws me. I don't want to be like this. Help me please. I am trying not to cry. But at night especially, it is so depressing. I try to read my Bible and focus on being strong in the Lord, but I am too distracted to know what I am reading. It's the most intense pain I have ever felt. It seems there is no comfort anywhere. I want so much to have my real husband back and be held my him. I'm tired of sleeping alone. Sorry, I just feel so alone right now. And I feel like noone cares whether I live or die. In fact I feel like WH would be happy if I died. It feels like he is angry with me because I am alive. That is a horrible feeling. Does it ever go away? If it doesn't I can't bear the thought of living with this every day for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just pray that the Lord will take me home, this sure doesn't feel like home. I hate the garbage that goes on in the world and society's view of just how disposable marriage and morality is.

Sorry to be so depressing. I just see nothing good right now. I want to but I feel as if I have been murdered. I no longer have the ability to smile or laugh. I want to so badly but when I try to (for my kids) it sounds psychotic. They know it's fake. which is better, to put on an act for them or bring them down with my real feelings? I am extremely transparent. somebody please help me. I would like to go to IC but I can't afford it right now. Besides, when I have gone, the last C just said if you're not happy, get a divorce. Augh!!!! Why is marriage so lightly regarded? It really makes me crazy.

I am probably just talking to myself but at least it helps to write it all down. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Suzanne

Suzanne, I feel you.

The pain is tremendous, really spectacular, isn't it? I remember one of my posts early on in my situation, where I described it as something like a big nasty "spiritual crocodile" that was shaking the life from me.

I've been at it for eight months. I'm awake and alive. But I'm still sad, very sad. Sometimes, when I'm in my car or at the grocery store, I become suddenly very weak. My stomach twists up. I have to stop what I'm doing for a minute. Other times, I just take a moment and put my face in my hands and close my eyes.

My wife haunts my dreams, and my sleep is troubled nightly by my wish for her to be redeemed.

But you still have to do the best you can, and keep hope that you will be repaired.

GC

SuSu,
I'm not one of the experienced MBers, but I've lurked here for almost a year now.

We both feel lost & alone, huh? I, too, am still dealing with the whirlwind of emotions. My WH moved out in July 04. His OW has told him she won't leave her rich husband, but WH is still hoping she'll "come to her senses" and come back to him. Whatever!!

I should've gone to Plan B months ago, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know it is really the only hope my marriage has now.

When your husband asks you to come home, is he ready & willing to completely give up OW and re-commit to your marriage? Would finances be better once together to enable you both to attend IC & MC? My WH & I both go to IC....in fact, we go to the same IC just at different times. We can only afford this because my health insurance covers most of the visits.

Also, have you considered anti-depressants? In my unprofessional opinion, I think maybe you could really benefit from them. They won't change reality, but they do allow you to turn the volume down on your emotions. You may also want to change counselors. Sorry, but they aren't all good at what they do and should reconsider career choices.

I just wanted you to know that someone was out here tonight. A year ago, I just wanted to die. Now, I know that I will be just fine no matter what else happens. Yes, I still cry sometimes. I guess I'm mourning the loss of the relationship I thought I had for the past 20 years. That's okay. We will come out on the other side of this thing, with or without our spouses.

L&A

A few more thoughts, Suzanne. Maybe you're way ahead of me on this, but...

The thing is, everybody suffers. Some of us, victimized by the people we love, suffer needlessly. But the truth of our existence is that all of us will suffer during our lives, and as BS, we are, in a way, just taking our turn at it.

Plan B means you keep contact with your WS to the barest minimum. None, if possible.

I'm so damned tired, Suzanne, I have to go to sleep. But sleep well yourself, wherever you are. Remember, being the last one standing in defense of your marriage makes you noble and great.

Nighty night,

GC

GC and L&A;

Hi, I know this sounds pathetic, but I was so touched that you replied I just started sobbing. I can't stand all this emotional pain. Thank you for hearing me.

GrayCloud, I know what you mean about having your dreams haunted. I hate to sleep--I dread the dreams, not just of my WH, but I frequently dream about OW too (she was like my sister for 12 years) I wake up feeling like I can't breathe. And so many things trigger the hopeless feelings I have. I ended up inthe ER with an anxiety attack the night before I went to Plan B. I am somewhat familiar with your situation as I have lurked here for a while, you are in my prayers.

Lost & Alone,

Thank you for your reply too. I am currently taking Ativan for anxiety, but it doesn't really help the pain. WH claims he will give up OW, but I have heard it too many times. I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe it so badly, but how? I don't know.

Thank you both for being here.

Suzanne

Good morning, Suzanne. I wanted to bring this back up to the top for you. I am sure some wise people will reply and help you.

I am sorry that you are in such pain. As most of us are here. The new ones anyway. I suspect my H is cheating, he is an OTR driver, gone alot. I do not have the courage yet to inspect cell phone records. But, I do have the Ativan to help me when I do. It helps me alot. I could not do it without it. Hopefully it will start helping you too soon, imagine if you did not have it.

Keep posting here, there are many wise posters. They will help you through this. I just wanted you to know that you are definately not alone.

Will talk later, Car

I am new as well, but eally identify with your strugling with plan B. I have only instituted plan B 4 days ago, but doubts and fears abound.

I have found that this web site is great, even just as a lurker. It has shown me that many people are going through similar paths, some farther down the path then me, others just at the beginning.

I have also found that it is important to have someone to talk to. Yes, a counselor would be the best but there are lots of options. Your situation is made worse by the fact that the OW is your best friend. I cannot even imagine that pain.

I have found that prayer has helped me enormously. Faithfully, people have been placed in my situation that really have been "God with skin." I can only hope that you will find that to be true as well.

Keep up the faith and know that you are not alone in your struggles.

{{{{{Suzanne}}}}}

You are not alone. If I may point you to a post I made a few days ago, it seems to helping me out.

It's long, but I think, worth the read.

healing hurt, releasing anger

MIF?

suzzanne---the most important thing BEFORE he comes home is the conditions being met for a certain amount of time.

what i mean is he gives up ow FIRST....AND PROVES IT.

he goes to ic/mc for say 2-3 months consistantly

he proves himself to you. what i mean is he is where he says he is, if he is comming to see you he be on time, think back to the dating days. if you had a boyfriend who was never on time and had tons of unaccounted for time missing...how long would you really date him???

open book about passwords, cell phones and money...

whatever else you need to feel safe. and for more than a week to prove it. good luck--been there...

SuSu -your post touched my heart -now listen hun -so something years ago my BF and my exH had an A -I divorceed him and they had to get married - she became pregnant at 45 with his child. I lifted up my head and went on with my life. I started to date when kids were gone. Started a new life of my own -worked very hard and started college. I turned into myself -they look horrible and she is not happy -he was abusive and a cheat. He di not change -she is miserable -evil does not change. He always worried she would cheat on him and he cheated on her -what a life to have. She never had another close girlfriend -who would want to ? I wouldn't -messages came back thru my kids she said I could have him back -what a laugh I had - it gets better much better ..

SuSu-I know the pain you are in....b/c I feel it to. I cycle b/t unbearable pain and numbness where I don't even think I care about WH any more. Right now I am numb again.

I also know what you mean about praying the God would take you home, I wish that a lot. I feel sometimes that all this is so worthless-I am so ready to be done w/ it all....but I don't want to leave my kids, so I keep on keeping on. You will to-I promise. I am pretty new at this-4 mths....and the first couple I hardly got out of bed, but I am doing better. I have found it helps a lot when I have very little contact through the week-he will call about the kids and it is 15 minutes at the most and then we are done for the day and I can forget about him. When I have more contact, then I get all worked up again-like the holidays.

The OW is also a "friend" of mine-in fact she went on vacation w/ us and he left 3 days after we returned....SWEARING they didn't start up until after he left. It is very hard knowing the OW so well.....and I try not to think about it al all. I don't know why this happened to us-but I do know God doesn't make mistakes and he has blessings ahead for all of us.

I also read my Bible a lot-Psalms and Proverbs help. I read a lot of christian books on prayer, hope, relying on God....those help a LOT. God is the only thing that has gotten me through this-he will you to.

You will be ok-hang in there. I feel like divorce is wrong as well and the world accepts it to readily....I struggle w/ that a lot, but in my case-what am I to do? WH says he is done, doesn't love me....and I can't drag him back.....so oh well.

Thank you so much all who posted. It is encouraging to know that even amidst our own pin you are able to reach out to a fellow sufferer. You are such special people.

This site has been a lifesaver in so many ways. It is a place where predominantly Christian values are embraced and I find that soothing. It's a little haven from the crazy worldly thinking of society as a whole--that whole "I don;t have feelings for you anymore, so let's get divorced" philosophy. It is so encouraging to see people stand for their marriage and what marriage really is.

I feel better this morning, although I did sleep until almost 11:00 (yikes). Sleeping is the worst, like I said, I have terrible dreams and I hate sleeping alone (well, my five year old sleeps with me lately, but it's not the same).

Again, thank all you wonderful people out there. It is my prayer that we all will heal and have better marriages than they ever were.

Suzanne

Stay in Plan B. You will get the hang of it. Just remember to only discuss child and finances. He will try to drag you into more discussions. Don't bite.

It might take a couple of months for this to turn around. Don't give up. Make sure you know that OW is gone, and he is willing to do the work to regain your trust before you take him back.

I don't have much to ad to this, only that I feel the pain you are in. I will keep you in my thoughts. Tonight I wll pray for you as well.

I wish I had advice however I don't know at times where I am at.

Listen to the wisdom of MB's, they are great and have helped me more than I thought anyone could.

thinking of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Su

Bringing you back up top again.

I think you may be on the right track here, stop talking to him on the phone. Refuse to do so until he has absolutely NC with proof. If he's asking you to come back home, it would indicate to me that he at least misses you.......you need to pull the rug out from under him with going completely dark.

It is human nature to want something you can't have...therefore if you give him a little taste of what divorce will be like for him, it may just make him wake up and smell the coffee.

I keep going back to the thought that before we were married that I wasn't a weepy, clingy person I was very independent, my husband probably has no clue what to do with me in my current state, I need to get back to who I am.

-Caren

Hi susut2,
I'm usually not on this board but today I am. Today I'm looking for new stomping grounds so I thought I'd come over to this board and see what shakes loose. here are my thoughts:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SuSutimes2:

I have posted a few times but do not usually get many responses. I know there are so many people on this forum who are also hurting. This in itself is so depressing. All the infidelity going on makes me so sick. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I find it doesn't do me much good to focus on the evil in the world. There is sure to always be an abundant supply of it. I have enough beam in myself to make seeing the mote in others clearly difficult if not really impossible. So what makes sense to me is to try to keep the focus on myself where I do have some power of choice...serenity prayer ya know?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't even know what I want from this forum anymore...encouragement, validation or what? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my guess is you're looking for /starved for/ connection.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tonight I just feel so lost and alone. I am in Plan B (trying at least) but I make the mistake of talking with my WH about the kids and finances and it always goes the wrong direction.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when you say wrong direction that is your judgement of the way it goes. what direction it goes is simply not the way you want it to go but what direction is it you want?

refer back to the serenity prayer, is this 'wrong' direction in that it requires serenity courage or wisdom from you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last night he called twice and he told me he wants me to come home. He says he will end it with OW and that he just wants us home. Told me he would let me know when it is "safe" to come home. Been there, done that. Then he told me he would call tonight. DD age five was expecting him to call. No call. I can pretty much assume I know where he is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't recommend it. will do you no good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am so sick of the lies. Somebody please tell me how to be stronger and shut this man off completely. I want to but I feel powerless to do so. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well...I'd say you have some grasp on reality you just don't like the reality you've got hold of. so, when you talk of powerlessness I want to share with you that you're not the only powerless person on the planet. you feel lost, you feel alone, you feel powerless, you feel tired. The good news is you feel you're not past feeling you've not gone so totally numb and that's good. So there is a difference between feeling powerless admitting it. now don't get me wrong please, understand that i come from perhaps a different come from toward this powerlessness issue than some people do. I approach it now as i would receive a welcome and wanted guest. I've worked at 12 step recovery for just over 10 years now and I still remember the first time I was brought to the depths of despair in my own powerlessness and went to my first 12 step meeting over 10 years ago. I didn't recognize it for what it was at the time. i didn't see the blazing opportunities and tremendous gift of admitting my own powerlessness. I didn't understand that it was a place of rebirth and atonement. I thought i was finally at the bottom of the planet lower than the worst dregs of humanity. beyond depression beyond suicidal, powerless. in the past 10 years i've come to regard being powerless and admitting it to myself one of the most liberating and empowering processes I know in existence. The question is what I DO once I'm at that point. It is an end and a new beginning. An opportunity i'm grateful for now and even actively seek.

since you ask for strength I will tell you where it lies. strength is only found in willingness. let that saying be with you and sink in. ponder on what it really means. willingness is the only strength, without it all else is folly. if you desire strength then seek willingness.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I jump at every crumb he throws me. I don't want to be like this. Help me please. I am trying not to cry. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you depend on him too much. I don't know if i can help I don't know that my own codependencies allow me to be much of an example. i am willing to share what I can. it's ok to cry. in fact it's ok to sob and weep and grieve. it's also ok to take as good of care of yourself as you can while you let these things out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But at night especially, it is so depressing. I try to read my Bible and focus on being strong in the Lord, but I am too distracted to know what I am reading. It's the most intense pain I have ever felt. It seems there is no comfort anywhere. I want so much to have my real husband back and be held my him. I'm tired of sleeping alone. Sorry, I just feel so alone right now. And I feel like noone cares whether I live or die.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear you loud and clear. it's impossible to focus mentally when your heartsick like this. Someone does care not only about your living but about your happiness. That someone is God may you find him now. that someone also has a plan for your happiness and a way is prepared for your escape thru your faith. I admire your willingness to feel that pain and not run from it or try to numb it out with something. I hope I can learn to always be that willing even in the painful moments. my prayer for you is not only that you would sleep well but that you would find rest and comfort in God. sleep is needful to the body but rest is needful to the soul and of the two I'd say rest is more needful. I pray you find both in greater abundance. Comfort you I believe he will. Will you allow his comfort and his rest to come in to you and will you receive it? again willingness is the way, the only pathway to peace, to rest, to comfort.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In fact I feel like WH would be happy if I died. It feels like he is angry with me because I am alive. That is a horrible feeling. Does it ever go away? If it doesn't I can't bear the thought of living with this every day for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just pray that the Lord will take me home, this sure doesn't feel like home. I hate the garbage that goes on in the world and society's view of just how disposable marriage and morality is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I prayed this prayer for over a year before i was finally ready to admit my own powerlessness. i was so totally lost in addiction and my life was such a totally unmanageable mess. I didn't have the courage to commit suicide but I had lost all will to live, I too prayed to the Lord to take me home. i wanted God to take away my choices basically and make them for me. He never would. when God finally started perceptibly answering my prayer it was not what I expected nor really what I wanted of him. instead he did all to affirm my own power of choice. He gave me other people who could empathasize with my pain and helped me feel ok about myself again which when i started opening myself up to restored my willingness to make choices i had not made before. but God did not take away my choice because he did not want to take away my victory. So he is with us all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry to be so depressing. I just see nothing good right now. I want to but I feel as if I have been murdered. I no longer have the ability to smile or laugh. I want to so badly but when I try to (for my kids) it sounds psychotic. They know it's fake. which is better, to put on an act for them or bring them down with my real feelings? I am extremely transparent. somebody please help me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it is always better to be true to your real feelings and to accept them as they are without judgement as neither good nor bad but just what they are. Even the hardest of emotions the ones which we would rather not own nor feel are better than to embrace a fantasy or conjure a pretense. The children will be benefitted most from emotional integrity even when that means owning the difficult feelings. Keep your integrity emotionally, in this your willingness to feel will give them the best example of what real strength is. remember this also. It's not necessary to smile when you cry.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would like to go to IC but I can't afford it right now. Besides, when I have gone, the last C just said if you're not happy, get a divorce. Augh!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">can you get your money back? the next time someone mocks your pain in this fashion insist on a refund.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is marriage so lightly regarded? It really makes me crazy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">why may be one of the most useless of questions and yet one of the most universally asked and universally damning. every why question has a thousand divergent realities which may be given in response. many of which are equally valid and many of which are utter nonsense. in the end you may choose both to focus on the reality that claims that marriage is lightly regarded by everyone or the reality that cliams that only some few lightly regard it. I would suppose that what makes you crazy is feeling that your WH lightly regards it and that you derive so much of your own self worth and identity from this that it's undermining has you undone. this can change thru your willingness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am probably just talking to myself but at least it helps to write it all down. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Suzanne </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your share really touched me. thankyou for sharing it. you are awesome.

Hi Suzanne,

I care whether you live or die. A lot. So does my FWW.

So how is the snow there at home? We had a very light dusting here in Seattle last night. The roads are like ice this morning. They are ice!

DS and I were out at the crack of dawn collecting Christmas trees for ascout troop fund raiser. I get so irritated at people who can’t drive in snow or ice. First rule: never stop at the bottom of a hill. I miss Montana drivers.

Hey, how about taking your kids skiing at the new area just south of Kalispell (Black Mountain? Huckleberry Mountain? They changed the name when they built it a few years ago, as I recall). It’s small, inexpensive and very family oriented. That will take your mind off things for a while, at least. In fact, start getting some exercise. Exercise always helps me when I’m feeling low. Maybe join a gym or just walk the neighborhood.

I really like Kasey1’s post to you. I needed to hear it too. I read it twice. Listen to him. Some of the best people in the world are in 12-step programs. As low, discussing and hopeless as they used to be, they reclaimed themselves and are now the kind of people I admire. Some of my favorite people are my brother’s friends from AA and the guys I know from my all-men’s Al Anon group.

Suzanne, you will get through this. I too believe the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. And he gives us support from the most unlikely sources. You have family around you. You also have an MB family all over the world, and instantly available. We all care about you more than you know.

When you are trying to pray or read scripture but can’t focus, just leave it to God. You don’t have to have a formula or words to read in front of you. Just open your mind and think about God. He will always speak to you when you let the world's cares and hurts go for a moment.

S_ and I will pray for you, your family and your WH.

Keep posting, dress warm and go for a long walk.

edited for typos (some of them anyway)

T

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

Suzanne,

Like the others, I too was deeply touched by your honesty and your warmth. It comes through even in cyber space.

I just wanted to add to the others, that when my pain was at it's deepest and I could not concentrate, and could barely speak - these two things literally lifted me up out of unbareable pain and restored me to atleast functionality.

I would pray the simplest of prayers, when ever the pain was so bad that I could barely breath - "Father, please take away my pain" over and over all day I begged, pleaded and asked.

And I would memorize simple versus from the Bible and then recite them over and over.

And from functionality I have become mostly happy. Life is good again, even though I am alone now. I still have many conversations with God every day, but mostly they are happy ones. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Try it won't you?

my first sponsor gave me two things at the point of my admission of powerlessness. these are the prayers that started opening doors for me spiritually and let healing happen.

1- God what do you want me to do today and please bless me with the willingness to do it.

2- make a gratitude list. gratitude is one of the highest vibrational healing energies that exists.

so the prayer i first said was just like number one. the prayers I say now go like this....

God, I'm grateful for air, for breath, for skin to feel and hands to touch my wife with, I'm grateful she lets me hold her and feels love from my touch, that you put that power in my hands that she feels love in my caress again and in being held, I'm grateful for health and for enough strength to enjoy a sunrise or a sunset, to enjoy the splendor of the natural earth, the quiet snowfall, the rainbow, the song of the bird and the crystal moonlight and stars where I see the vastness of your creation and feel the echo of your timeless presence in the universe. i'm grateful for a warm home, for clothes and foods that taste elegant and delicious. i'm grateful for people in my life to serve and those who show me that as bad as i think i've had it there is always someone who had it worse and yet who bares it better than I do. I'm grateful for people who serve and uphold me despite my shortcomings, my son, my wife, my church family, my recovery fellowships, I'm grateful for Jesus's atonement and pray we can all receive a fuller measure of his grace and healing and that our faith in that healing will grow to encompass our entire lives all of us. i'm grateful for cars that work, for computers that work, for all this and more I thank thee Lord and ask the to show me what you want me to do today and bless me with the willingness to do it.

I'm overwhelmed...thank you all so much. I don't know why I am soooo weepy lately.

Caren said,
I keep going back to the thought that before we were married that I wasn't a weepy, clingy person I was very independent, my husband probably has no clue what to do with me in my current state, I need to get back to who I am.
Caren, this describes me exactly. I used to be a very happy, upbeat person.

Believer, I will do my best to not talk to WH, but it is so hard.

Alank: Thank you for remembering me in your prayers.

Kasey, Wow! Thank you for all the encouragement, What an incredible post! It really touched me and you offer so much insight and good advice.

since you ask for strength I will tell you where it lies. strength is only found in willingness. let that saying be with you and sink in. ponder on what it really means. willingness is the only strength, without it all else is folly. if you desire strength then seek willingness.

This is something I pray for frequently. I really want to do God's will for me, but sometimes I just feel like I haven't a clue what I am supposed to be doing.

I will read your post several times to get the full impact. I have difficulty fully absorbing things lately.

Thos, thanks for replying. It sure has been snowy and cold here.

Suzanne, you will get through this. I too believe the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. And he gives us support from the most unlikely sources. You have family around you. You also have an MB family all over the world, and instantly available. We all care about you more than you know.

I know you are right, I know this is true, but sometimes I just want to give up and die. Even now, I am depressed. Throughout the day, I keep myself busy, but at night it's too quiet and I have trouble getting to sleep because I dread sleeping.

Thak you for your continued prayers.


Weaver, thank you for your suggestion, I will try it. I do pray, but I feel like my prayer is so inadequate. And needy. But I look at God as my Heavenly Father and I know the Bible says that if a son asks his father for a loaf of bread, will the father give him a stone? Of course not, I am trying to trust God to bring something good out of all this. I just have major trust issues. even though I know God is faithful. But, as Kasey said in his post, feeling powerless is a place of rebirth and atonement. I want to be at that point.

I just wanted to add to the others, that when my pain was at it's deepest and I could not concentrate, and could barely speak - these two things literally lifted me up out of unbareable pain and restored me to atleast functionality.

Thank you all for caring and responding. It really is overwhelming . I almost didn't know how to respond.

Suzanne