Suzanne, it must be especially difficult when the OW was a friend.

I have never seen the OM who participated in the destruction of my M. His W offered to show me his picture once, and I declined. I avoided his image because I knew it would make me dream about him. An invented version of him has only appeared in my dreams twice that I can recall.

Dreams can be rough, but remember, they are your brain's way of working through your feelings, and even when they are unpleasant, they are part of a healing process. So when you have those nasty ones, just think to yourself... that's one less nightmare about the affair I have to look forward to.

Sleep peacefully if you can.

Montana, is it?

GC

Suzanne,
See, a lot of people do care. Everyone of us here has in the past or still is experiencing the pain you feel. I have more good days than bad days now, but I remember how I felt for the first 6 months. I couldn't eat, sleep, or even think about anything. Even now, more than a year after d-day I still have trouble concentrating. I really wonder if I didn't suffer some kind of brain trauma. Is that possible? I'm a fairly intelligent person, but I cannot focus for very long and I can't multi-task like I used to. I sure hope this improves with time and healing.

Everytime you feel overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions, just focus on one thing that makes you happy. I would think about my daughter winning a skating competition and how happy that would make her. I would even put in videotapes of her skating or dancing. I did whatever it took to re-focus my thoughts away from negative useless thoughts.

Suzanne, I think you're like me (and honestly like most people)....we just want to be happy. We really don't enjoy being sad or hurt. Like I said, I have more good days now, but those bad thoughts & emotions still sneak in now and again. We are reponsible for our own happiness. When did we give our spouses the power over OUR happiness?

Remember the girls we were when they met us? My WH ran across an old picture of me when we first met (I was 15 years old), and he asked me "What happened to her?" I wanted to hit him w/ a baseball bat and say, "What the hell do you mean 'what happened to her', you SOB! She's worked for past 16 years, raised our child, kept our lives going when you wouldn't work, and dammit she's aged 25 years." No, I didn't say any of that. Instead I picked up a picture of him when we were first dating and said "I don't know. Maybe she ran off with this guy. I haven't seen him in a long time either."

I have realized that I cannot control WH. I cannot MAKE him want to re-commit to his family and come back home. I can only control ME. Yes, WH's statements and behavior still hurts me sometimes, but he can't devastate me anymore like when I first discovered the affair. I fell apart and begged and cried and did all the normal BS stuff. I've done a lot of reading since then and I've hung around MB a lot.

Now that I've rambled on and one, my advice to you is:

1. Call your doctor and discuss your AD medication. It may be fine, but you may need a different medication if this one isn't working.

2. If you haven't already, purchase the book "Surviving An Affair" from the MB Bookstore. There are other really good books too, but start there.

3. Stick around here and post and read and post and read. Come here when you need a boost or when you don't. YOU AREN'T ALONE. Neither am I.

L&A

Hi GC,

Thanks for replying again. You are so fortunate not to know what OM looks like. For me, the images I get are horrendous. Not only do I know what OW looks like, I know the very sheets on her bed, what her bedroom looks like, every inch of her house.

I have even slept in her bed (not with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) and I have seen my WH in her bed (also not with her). But the image is still there.

Sometimes I dream that we are still friends and I am extremely hurt and telling her that I wanted more for her than this adulterous relatonship she has with my WH. She sneers in my face (actually this has happened in real life). I have only seen her twice since d-day. Both times I was kind to her only to have her treat me horribly. With the kind of anger I have towards her, I can say I only was able to be kind because of Christ in me. I vacillate between a raging hatred of her and pain because she is such a pathetic loser.

I am going to try to sleep now.

And yes, I am in beautiful (cold, snowy) Montana. I grew up here and I love it even though I have been living in CA for the past 20 years.

Thanks again GC, good night.

Suzanne

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost & Alone:
<strong> Suzanne,
See, a lot of people do care. Everyone of us here has in the past or still is experiencing the pain you feel. I have more good days than bad days now, but I remember how I felt for the first 6 months. I couldn't eat, sleep, or even think about anything. Even now, more than a year after d-day I still have trouble concentrating. I really wonder if I didn't suffer some kind of brain trauma. Is that possible? I'm a fairly intelligent person, but I cannot focus for very long and I can't multi-task like I used to. I sure hope this improves with time and healing. </strong>

I can really identify with this. Espeically the brain trauma--actually I have been previously diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder. I think this affects how you concentrate. It also makes you very jumpy. I have one of the most exaggerated startle reflexes you have ever seen. Any unexpected noise and I come off the floor about a foot and a half.


<strong>Suzanne, I think you're like me (and honestly like most people)....we just want to be happy. We really don't enjoy being sad or hurt. Like I said, I have more good days now, but those bad thoughts & emotions still sneak in now and again. We are reponsible for our own happiness. When did we give our spouses the power over OUR happiness? </strong>

I really hate being sad and hurt.

<strong> Remember the girls we were when they met us? My WH ran across an old picture of me when we first met (I was 15 years old), and he asked me "What happened to her?" I wanted to hit him w/ a baseball bat and say, "What the hell do you mean 'what happened to her', you SOB! She's worked for past 16 years, raised our child, kept our lives going when you wouldn't work, and dammit she's aged 25 years." No, I didn't say any of that. Instead I picked up a picture of him when we were first dating and said "I don't know. Maybe she ran off with this guy. I haven't seen him in a long time either ."</strong>

I love this part (bold) I wish I could think of stuff like that. There was a time I probably could, but this is great. LOL

<strong>I have realized that I cannot control WH. I cannot MAKE him want to re-commit to his family and come back home. I can only control ME. Yes, WH's statements and behavior still hurts me sometimes, but he can't devastate me anymore like when I first discovered the affair. I fell apart and begged and cried and did all the normal BS stuff. I've done a lot of reading since then and I've hung around MB a lot. </strong>

You really sound a lot like me. It's almost scary how similarly BS's react and how similarly WS's try to cover for themselves.

<strong>Now that I've rambled on and one, my advice to you is:

1. Call your doctor and discuss your AD medication. It may be fine, but you may need a different medication if this one isn't working.

2. If you haven't already, purchase the book "Surviving An Affair" from the MB Bookstore. There are other really good books too, but start there.

3. Stick around here and post and read and post and read. Come here when you need a boost or when you don't. YOU AREN'T ALONE. Neither am I.

L&A </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did purchase SAA and read through it with WH. He actually had me read it to him every night before we went to sleep. (he doesn't like to read) and I agree, it is an excellent book.

Hey Suzanne,

Just wanted you to know that somebody is here and saying a prayer for you this morning...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Thank you RIF

Prayers are ALWAYS welcome. I appreciate it very much. I love your screen name BTW. It sounds uplifting.

Suzanne

Suzanne,

How are you doing this morning... it's still very early in Montana, right?.... something like 2:50 in the morning?

Hi RIF,

Yes, it's very early in the morning. You got it right. But as I posted before, I dread going to sleep.

I have been fairly weepy all day. I tried to pull out of it. I took my daughters to the movies and out for dinner. I try to stay "up" for them. Also, the nights are just the worst time for me. I picture WH with OW. I feel better tonight because I know he is not with her. He called my daughter from his friend's house. Also, my son just went back to CA and checked our answering machine. OW called looking for WH around 8:00 pm. It really burns me up that she has the nerve to call MY house. She also called a little after 5. My son answered that time and she actually asked him if she could speak with WH. She has no conscience at all. No shame. I guess I need to get off the subject of OW, I just start to get angry again--sorry for digressing.

Thanks again for your concern RIF.

Suzanne

Suzanne,

I know what it's like to stay up all night worrying... even though my W never actually left our home...

Please take care of yourself for you own sake and for your children's sake. You need your rest and you need to eat well and exercise...

Hopefully your WH will de-fog soon... Do your best to stick with plan-b and let the OW meet all of his ENs...

While you're in plan B, come up with a Plan-S (Plan Suzanne) you need a plan to keep you focused on working on yourself. Start an exercise program, try some new recipies, get a new wardrobe, ... basically take care of yourself!

As you work on Plan-S, I think that you'll find that your weepy periods will be fewer and fewer... and as an added benifit, you will become more attractive to your WH...

Semper Fi,
RIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RIF:
<strong> Suzanne,

I know what it's like to stay up all night worrying... even though my W never actually left our home...

Please take care of yourself for you own sake and for your children's sake. You need your rest and you need to eat well and exercise...

Hopefully your WH will de-fog soon... Do your best to stick with plan-b and let the OW meet all of his ENs...

While you're in plan B, come up with a Plan-S (Plan Suzanne) you need a plan to keep you focused on working on yourself. Start an exercise program, try some new recipies, get a new wardrobe, ... basically take care of yourself!

As you work on Plan-S, I think that you'll find that your weepy periods will be fewer and fewer... and as an added benifit, you will become more attractive to your WH...

Semper Fi,
RIF </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks RIF,

Plan S sounds pretty good. I have to say I haven't really done much for myself for a long time. I haven't mentioned it on this thread, but I have lost over 170 pounds since 08/02, I now look better than I have during my entire marriage. But I really need to work on my inner beauty too. I have become a clingy, whiney sap. Not very attractive. But I think I will go get my hair done or something tomorrow. I could really use the lift. I need to start exercising too and tone up. Thank you for suggesting it.

Thank you again, RIF. I think I am going to try to get some sleep now. I have to get up in about four hours for church. Thank the Lord, I have a very wonderful, supportive church family.

Suzanne

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I really need to work on my inner beauty too. I have become a clingy, whiney sap. Not very attractive. But I think I will go get my hair done or something tomorrow. I could really use the lift. I need to start exercising too and tone up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you!!! You are beautiful no matter what your WH or the OW do.... don't let them beat you down. Take care of yourself...

Semper Fi,
RIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> While you're in plan B, come up with a Plan-S (Plan Suzanne) you need a plan to keep you focused on working on yourself. Start an exercise program, try some new recipies, get a new wardrobe, ... basically take care of yourself!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a great point. This has been a time of real personal change and growth for me. It is redifining everything. I have really found that for the first time in my adult life, I truly like the person that I am. I am excercising, losing weight, working on personal growth (painting). I have become better at everything thing that defines me. But I am no longer defined by the things I am or the things I do. I am developing myself as a whole person. This process has made me a better person, a better wife (even though my WH has not chosen to release his other choices, he has admitted that this is true), a better mother (I have a great DD), a better friend, even a better doctor (that is what I do during the day, no longer who I am!).

Keep up this thread, it is very healthy. Tina

Hi RIF and Doc,

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I don't feel as hopeless as I did a couple of nights ago. But I still am depressed and hard to live with. My 12 year old daughter has been very moody today. She has had crying fits, wants to talk to her father then doesn't want anything to do with him (alternates between the two feelings) She hasn't talked to him in almost a month. This has been very hard on her. It doesn't help that I am living with my brother right now and we don't have much privacy, (of course neither does my brother and his family) I am very blessed with having the brother I have. He has always gone out of his way to take care of me. He has kind of stepped into the role of father to my sister and me. (He's only a year older than me) He is the kind of role model I want my children to have. My WH reminded me of my brother when we first got married. They had a lot of the same characteristics, boy, that sure has changed lately.

Anyway, I am resolved to pull myself out of my pit (with God's help) and make life better for my children. It just seems like such a huge task right now--kind of intimidating to have two little girls depending on me for emotional support when I am so overwhelmed with hopelessness sometimes. I get so angry at this because it is so senseless that we have to go through all this garbage.

It doesn't help matters that I am having so much difficulty sleeping. Last night I didn't sleep until after 4:00 am. Had to get up by 8:00 for church. I looked lovely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thank you again for your replies. I think Kasey put his finger on part of my problem--I have a great need to feel connected right now. I have an overwhelming desire to talk to my friends in CA (my brother is going to freak out when he sees the phone bill I'm sure, but I pay it so he shouldn't worry). I feel so homesick too. I miss my home and my stuff.

Bless you all.

Suzanne

{{{{Susu}}}}}
hang in there sweetie. I felt completely hopeless when all this first started for me. I also was very whiny/clingy, eventually you will rise above this but it will be hell until you can. Are you sure you should have gone to plan B? I wasnt the poster child for a perfect (or even moderately acceptable) plan A, but I know your supposed to do your best plan A BEFORE you go to plan B. The purpose of plan A is to show the WS how the marriage COULD be, after you do that, then you go to plan b if he still wont end the affair. Ill be checking up on you. I know that your gonna get thru this with our support just fine.

Hugs,
michelle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> {{{{Susu}}}}}
hang in there sweetie. I felt completely hopeless when all this first started for me. I also was very whiny/clingy, eventually you will rise above this but it will be hell until you can. Are you sure you should have gone to plan B? I wasnt the poster child for a perfect (or even moderately acceptable) plan A, but I know your supposed to do your best plan A BEFORE you go to plan B. The purpose of plan A is to show the WS how the marriage COULD be, after you do that, then you go to plan b if he still wont end the affair . Ill be checking up on you. I know that your gonna get thru this with our support just fine.

Hugs,
michelle. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Shelly,

Thanks for your support. This is the thing that bothers me the most about doing Plan B right now. I really blew Plan A. I was full of anxiety and LB'd all over the place. Asked questions, blew up a lot, etc. So I didn't really leave him with a good taste in his mouth. I don't know now for sure if I should be in Plan B. Sometimes I want to go home and give Plan A another chance but if I blow it again, it will just reinforce the negativity in the relationship. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Hi Suzanne,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I get so angry at this because it is so senseless that we have to go through all this garbage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is senseless... and very frustrating... recognize your pain and anger over all of this, then turn that anger toward something more positive... Remember take care of yourself and your daughters...

I don't really have any advice on what plan you should be in... have you talked with a MC? They would be in a better position to advise you on what options you should consider...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Like Ive said im no MB wonder. Why dont you take a week to relax and think about what you want to do? I would go back and try plan A again only if you think you can do it right, with no LB's. I know its hard to calm down when you feel your world is falling down around your head, but give it a try. I cant tell you what made me stop with what i had been doing, im sure your LB's werent as near bad as mine.(i rammed my h's car and chased him down the block,plus destroyed every article of clothing he owned)Maybe i started to realize that i couldnt control my wh's actions and i was tearing myself and my dd apart.When i stopped with most of my LBs and questioning, i started to make the most progress.

Hi RIF,

I haven't talked to a MC because I really can't afford one right now. Catch 22--I really can't afford to not have one right now too. I know there are a lot of people on this site that could probably give me some insight but it isn't easy to make that judgment because they haven't lived in "my house." WH and I are the only ones who really know what goes on between us as far as LB's go (well, unfortunately the children get a peek too.) My plan A was not very good.

(Thanks for checking on me)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> Like Ive said im no MB wonder. Why dont you take a week to relax and think about what you want to do? I would go back and try plan A again only if you think you can do it right, with no LB's. I know its hard to calm down when you feel your world is falling down around your head, but give it a try. I cant tell you what made me stop with what i had been doing, im sure your LB's werent as near bad as mine.(i rammed my h's car and chased him down the block,plus destroyed every article of clothing he owned)Maybe i started to realize that i couldnt control my wh's actions and i was tearing myself and my dd apart.When i stopped with most of my LBs and questioning, i started to make the most progress. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry Shelly, but when I read this I revised my opinion of my Plan A. I guess it wasn't THAT bad. I'm also sorry that you were in so much pain that you felt compelled to retaliate in this manner. I can completely empathize with you. BTW, I'm not familiar with your situation. How are things going for you now?
Edited to add (I just looked at your signature line and see that you had a false recovery, I'm so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers.)
Suzanne

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 02:30 AM: Message edited by: SuSutimes2 ]</small>

Susu, I guess the easiest way for me to describe why i did what i did was i really lost my mind for awhile. I have never in my entire life been thru so much pain that i still feel everyday from the time i get up until i go to sleep. i need to change my signature line again. My H is coming out of his fog, ive seen so many positive changes, and we are back under one roof again, i keep plan b in my pocket though if it has to come to that. he has informed ow that he is back with his wife and so far so good, no contact that im aware of. I just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> Susu, I guess the easiest way for me to describe why i did what i did was i really lost my mind for awhile. I have never in my entire life been thru so much pain that i still feel everyday from the time i get up until i go to sleep. i need to change my signature line again. My H is coming out of his fog, ive seen so many positive changes, and we are back under one roof again, i keep plan b in my pocket though if it has to come to that. he has informed ow that he is back with his wife and so far so good, no contact that im aware of. I just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shelly,

I'm glad to hear that some positive things are happening, especially in light of the extent of the LB's. But I know what you mean, I also feel as if I have lost my mind most of the time. Getting up and moving throughout the day is a chore. I don't think clearly. Although a couple of things I have done do make me laugh now. They weren't related to A or WH though. My younger brother got married in Oct. My sister and older brother (the one I am staying with) came to CA for the wedding. When I took my brother to the airport, I was so sad that he was leaving. Anyway, we had a little time to kill so we stopped at a restaurant for breakfast. My brother looked at me and said, "Uhh, your shirt is on inside out." I looked down and duh, sure enough it was on wrong. So, I said, "Okay, I'll just go in the restroom and change it right side out." I went into the restroom and was just going to whip my shirt off and change it without going into a stall. Well, I thought better of it and did go into a stall. I came back our and was looking in the mirror. I did a double take. In the mirror I saw urinals behind me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> All I could think is, "Why are there urinals in here?" I stepped outside the restroom and looked at the door. Sure enough!!! I was in the men's restroom. In a crowded restaurant. You should have seen the looks I got as I walked out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

It sure makes me laugh now though.

Sorry, just had to share something lighter than all the doom and gloom I usually share.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 02:56 AM: Message edited by: SuSutimes2 ]</small>