I'm so sorry to hear this. Hang in there; it's not over yet. You were doing a good Plan A and can still continue but from a distance as Pepperband says. We're here for you.

Pep,

Thank you for all the advice. I will call a locksmith, and the best part is our Priest is a very hip cool guy. He has been a great neighbor and he is always here to help.

My Aunt is a rock I love her to death.

I am going next door now to speak with my priest, thanks for all the help.

My girls are my sunshine.

How do you explain this to them?

very unhappy right now, very confused, as am I.

Thanks Legato,

I have to leave now.

Thanks to all.

We're going to an art show now...I'll check in on you later. The Plan B letter experts are WAT and Chris123 ... be sure to have one of them check out your final draft.

Pep

Well she has called, I was at my Preists home. I am very glad for that. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Said she wanted to come over and get some stuff.
I would assume she is brining her OM? I don't know.

I have not called back........

Do I?

My kids are so upset right now. She can walk in the house at anytime, and I don't want my kids to go throught any more pain and hurt.

they want to know why mom left.

What do you say.

My preist was great, he is going to help me with the school sitch. But what now.....

I still want to Plan A. I want my W back as do my kids... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I think my priest gave some good advice on how to fight for the family.

I have explained what stage I am in and he thinks we still have somethibg to work on.

He also know how to french braid. Comes from a large farm family, so he did this many time sfor his sisters.

I feel a bit better, yet my kids are, well I don't know what they are right now. Maybe they are more upset than I can understand. I want to throttle my WW. She has no idea of the pain she is putting on her kids....

I don't care about me, it's the kids I worry about.

Yes I agree with priest. There is still good chance for marriage. I don't know exactly what to tell your girls; the truth I guess. Maybe some others canhelp out here. My boys were older so they understood.

So what is her deal? She's moving out of the house?

Legato,

yes she is movimg out of the house.

I hope we still have a chance at our M.

She is very mean right now, and is saying very nasty stuff.

I dropped a few LB's last night when I did talk to her.

Feeling lost here.

Alank,

As I am the "Plan B Czar," I want you to consider something here. Actually two things.

First, that this may be the ONLY way your marriage will be saved. Go back to June 2002 and look at my threads all the way until last week. (That should keep you busy). My wife up and moved out on me and the kids also. But, it had to be that way. I see that now. Without a good Plan A, and then a good Plan B (DARK!!), there was no way she would have ever gotten out from under her addiction. Out of the fog.

Most of these things have to go to Plan B. Plan B is hard when you are in the same house...so actually, she has done you a favor. Now, as Pep says, you can finish out the last parts of Plan A (and she is right...there are a couple of things left as you get your Plan B letter ready). And then you will be ready to go dark.

And when you do go dark, the fireworks will begin. Why? Because for the first time in your marriage, your wife will miss YOU!! At that point, OM will have to fulfill all of her ENs...and OPs can never do that. As Steve Harley told me once, those kids are your biggest asset when it comes to your marriage. They will be her biggest draw back to you. That is because you are her are family. The OM is not. He cant be. She will miss that.

The second thing to consider is this. You were talking about french braiding your daighters' hair. I have two sons and a daughter. When my wife left, I had NO IDEA on how to handle that little girl. She was an alien to me. I had 4 brothers and no sisters. I had no background in how to handle little girls. Hair problems, girlfriend problems, etc. What clothes to buy, jewelry, etc. I was LOST!! I leaned on some friends of mine (family friends who I went to the wife in that family and asked for help with this stuff). I did not ask my wife for advice. I was going to do this without her. Because in the end, the doing it without her would make her feel like she might not be needed by her family. And that is the loneliest feeling of all for a woman, as I have heard.

Anyway, you have an opportunity here for yourself...and your girls. Because of the 7 months my wife was gone, I learnd how to become a complete parent. I learned more about my kids than I ever knew before. I learned more about little girls than I ever thought possible. Shoot, I even had to have the "birs and the bees" talk with my daughter during this time, as she came to ME to ask. Talk about being scared!! I had always thought my wife would take care of telling the girl, and I would tell the boys.

But, I became closer to all three of my kids. Even now that we are back together, my kids remember who was there for them. Who has never left them. Who took the extra time and love to get to know them better. They knew I was devastated. We all were. We cried together. but they didnt see Dad fold. That didnt see Dad give up. They saw Dad be strong, to forge ahead...and, here is a key point...to still love their Mom enough to leave the door open for her. Because those kids ultimately want the two of you where you both belong, in each other's arms.

So, this is an opportunity for you to prove to yourself, to your kids, to everyone...what kind of Dad you are. To learn to french braid hair. I actually understand "girly" stuff that I never thought I would ever know, or have to know. And because of that, my daughter has gained so much more respect for me. She comes to me a lot for advice or even just to talk. She is comfortable with me...because I took the time to learn about her world.

My wife is even a little resentful now of how they lean on me, as she was a stay at home Mom for most of their lives. But she understands now that her relationship was damaged with them also and that it will take time for them to trust her again. But she also understands that she has a husband that has given her that chance. A husband that protected her kids from even herself...and did not abandon them. And in the end, I know that is a major reason why she came back, and why she loves me even more.

So, these people are right. Time to change the locks, get your Plan B letter on here in the next 24 hours so we can vet it. Get your intermediary set up and ready. Get everything ready to go dark. All the things you have to do to get ready probably will take another week to two weeks.

In the meantime, keep Plan Aing as much as possible. Just keep telling her how much you care, that you are there for her. That you want to repair your marriage and your family. As Pep said, the last thing she gets to see before the lights go out (Plan B), is a loving husband and father. Then she gets to sit on the outside with none of you.

And as more than 95% of these relationships do, this will be like lighting the fuse on their relationship that will eventually blow up in their faces. You will force OM to meet her needs...and he is unable. He is not equipped. At the very least, he has no ability to fulfill the family role. You and the kids will be together.

Also, see your attorney. Get things ready in case she tries to push things forward. I live in a "fault state." Not sure where you live. But here, abandonment and desertion is cause for divorce. It is also cause for custody to be awarded. Almost all states award custody based on the needs of the children. And they usually break it down. And the number one thing that they look at is "where do they live now?" The number two is "who has been providing for their care, financially, emotionally, spiritually, educationally, physically, etc.? I got physical custody of our children when we went to court because I had been there, because she left us for 7 months to pursue her selfish needs.

Alank, write a journal everyday about everything dealing with kids, and dealing with her. Document everything. Show what you do for them, and what she does for them. Document interactions between you.

Look, the legal loss of her kids was actually what blew the final vestiges of fog away from my wife. She thought just because she was a woman that she could walk back in and the courts would just give her the kids. But this is a new day!! That is why I say this is an opportunity for you. If she leaves for a few months, and you provide all of the care for them...then if she doesnt come back and this goes to court, guess what? You will gain custody of them...and you can protect them from what your wife is doing. And it may also cause her to wake up. Because as my wife said the other day, nothing hurts more for a woman than the loss of her children.

So, until then...Plan A. Be quiet about your preparations. Keep being like you have been around her. NO THREATS!! Let her run now. As Pepe said, she has thrown the anchor overboard with it tied around her neck.

When someone is trying to shoot themselves in the foot, do not help them. Stand back and let her do it to herself. In the end, it will help you, it will help your kids. And, jsut as in my situation, it may be just what your wife needs to come out of the fog.

She has to bottom out before she is going to wake up. Let her!! You jsut protect those kids right now. Use this time to get to know them better. You may never have this one-on-one time again.

In His arms.

As a mother, I cannot even imagine how your W can leave her precious daughters. Even though she may be leaving them in the most capable hands at the moment.

I don't think that telling your d's the truth will really make alot of sense to them.....plus....I don't think it's a good idea to try and explain to a 6 and 3 yr old that mommy went to live and be with another man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

In my own situation I didn't know what to tell my d's either. I finally got tired of trying to answer questions that I didn't know the answers to and told my H that he needed to explain to his children why he wasn't at home anymore and to answer any other questions that they had for him......because it was a situation that HE created. I couldn't answer what I didn't understand myself.

If the girls asked me a question that I couldn't answer, I said.....ask your dad. I don't know the answer to that question.

Now....unfortunately at that stage my H was on the "mother ship" and told the girls the truth....they were 10, 4 and 3 at the time.

His explanation turned our 10 yr old against him completely....to the point where she didn't want to see him.....or go with him on his visitations....and wouldn't talk to him on the phone. The 2 youngest ones didn't understand...all they knew what that they were getting to spend time with daddy......though our 4 yr old didn't have much to do with him either.

Our 3 yr old would sit in her bedroom for the longest time and bang her head on the window asking her daddy to come home. She was constantly begging me to bring her daddy home....it was very heartbreaking......especially because he knew that she did this and told her that if she called him that he would be right there for her. He never came to be with her......he was too "busy" with other things. She eventually quit believing the things that he told her.

It's so much harder on the kids than they let on.

Our 10 yr old was suicidal at one point....and at the time...my H didn't even seem to care.

It has taken him and will still take him a long time to completely win back the trust with them. It's getting better though. He tries his hardest.

Your W will realize one day, what she's doing to her relationship with them.....she's destroying it.

Best wishes to you and your d's.

Alan ... do not LIE to your kids... but answer their questions in very simple terms appropriate to their level of understanding.

For example:

"Dad, why did Mommie move away from me?"

You say: "Mommie loves you, but Mommie is feeling really lost and sad. Lets pray together for Mommie to feel better, OK?"

BUT if your daughter says: "Dad, does Mommie have a new boyfriend?"

You must say: "Yes. She does. This makes me very sad. How do you feel honey?"

Don't lie to your kids ... they need ONE parent they can trust to tell them the truth during this crisis ... and telling your child a lie makes her feel more unsafe and distrustful of the future .... Hearing a lie worse than knowing the (age-appropriate) truth.

Pep

Pep is right! While you should not "bash" your wife in front of them, you should be truthful.

I told me kids right off the bat that I would be totally honest with them (they were 10, 8 and 4 at the time)and would always answer their questions. While I wanted to just pass the buck onto my wife, I couldnt. Who knows what she would have told them, or how she would have spun what she was doing? So, they trusted me, and I told them the truth (of course, age appropriate). Now, I wasnt perfect, and did say some things I wish I had not of. But overall, they were thankful that I let them know the truth.

The truth cannot hurt them. Your wife is hurting them. There is a difference!

In His arms.

Do not allow the OM into your house under any circumstances. You should be with youyr wife when she is picking up her things. I recommend you have someone else with you in the house when she is doing this (the neighbor priest).
Don't badger her about where she is going or why she is doing this.
Be polite.

I will never let her OM in the house, however it kills me that he will be around them when my WW has them.

She is throwing all the good things we had out the window and just thinks oh well, thats life.

She is hurting everyone around her.

I have called a locksmith, he is comming over today to change the locks.

I am working on my kids right now, and I will be honest with them as best as I can for the age's they are at.

I would realy like her fog to clear and look at the devastation she is bringing everyone at this point.

She has no idea about anything, anyone that can act like this is twisted. Hard to try and Plan A a twisted person!

She is still telling me our situation is my fault, and why would it upset me I she is with her OM while we are seperated! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

She has lost all her morals at this point. What values she had are gone.

She has said she would never do anything to try and hurt me or the kids, so I asked about her OM, does that not hurt.....her reply was "we are speperated"

She is living in another world right now amd so are my kids and myself.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: alank ]</small>

Take all your anger and turn it into energy that you focus on your kids and yourself.

Focus AWAY from her and her ugly affair.

A tall order, I know, but YOU can do it because YOU are the lighthouse!!!!!! .... especially your kids' lighthouse.

OK?

Pep

Alank,

Yep. All you say is true. It is all fog. All of it. But, Plan A is for her...is for you. If she wasnt without a brain right now, you wouldnt need to Plan A, would you?

I am serious. Go back and read my threads. Right up to the one I posted last week (the first was in June 2002). Watch as my wife tried to pull that "but we are separated" crap, too. But, the truth is the truth, my man. And she cant hide from it forever.

So, steady as she goes here. You dont want to believe it right now...but this may have been the best thing to happen under the circumstances. Again, if it had not of gone this way with my situation, I doubt I owuld have my wife home now. And fog-free!!

So, understand that this will take time. Months even. She wont wake up tomorrow. The pain level has to increase daily. You just draw your boundaries, be a great Dad...and improve yourself. Do a good Plan A. And VERY shortly, you will be let off the hook by going to Plan B. Then her rollercoaster will be ridden only by herself.

This is a "war" for your family. Wars do not end overnight. There will be many battles along the way. Some may be set backs. But, you have a plan...she doesnt. So, even with setbacks, you will know how to move forward. She will begin to lose and lose...until there is nothing left.

Then...the fog will lift. Like I said, read my threads (and others like mine). See how things went there. See what it is going to take. Get in touch with Jesus and rely solely on Him. You are not alone, and you are not the first to go through this. And you need to understand, you are now in control!! This "war" will proceed on your terms, not hers. The OM and WW will no longer dictate how this goes.

You are okay...and you are living in the truth. You are so much better off than she is.

In His arms.

**I will never let her OM in the house, however it kills me that he will be around them when my WW has them.**

This should NEVER happen. Your WW left the house, her choice, she left the children in your care, her choice. Be civil, but under no circumstances should those kids leave the house to "see where mommy live".

I would advise that you call a lawyer today and find out your rights and what steps you can take. She may just decide that she wants to take kids with her. This is a very critical time.

Alan,

Exactly what Pep says; try to focus on you and kids. You can't make any sense out of what she has done and you can't talk sense to her. Trying to talk to her will only frustrate you.

Read what Pep and Mortar say again. They are absolutley the best and know of what they speak.

Pep, Mortar,Legato, Bear04.

I understand what everyone is saying, and yes I will read all the threads everyone is talking about as it may help me keep my mind off what is going on.

I have spoken to a lawyer about this and the laws in Canada are differant than the states.

Here my WW walks on water in the eye's of the court.

I have never wanted to go to war with my wife and you know, having truth on my side is of little comfort right now.

I have started a note book on all that is going on between us and how things are being handled.

My priest I am sure will be willing to help out with anything I ask when it comes to my kids, and I will ask him to be at the house when she picks up her stuff..

It is like I am in a tornado right now <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have spoken to my kids school about the sitch, I need to get my lawyer involved here, they understand my sitch, yet they are unable to stop my WW from comming and getting my kids if she wants, however my preist will assist at the school as he is at it three times a week and the school will call him if my WW shows up.

I never thought I would hate, yet right now it is how I feel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yes, I know that feeling, but it will pass. You still love her and I'm sure that she still loves you. That may be hard for you to believe right now due to her recent actions but she will crash and burn.

When Mortarman speaks of war he is speaking about fighting to save your marriage. And he is right in that your path and your decisions are less complicated now. You have a goal and you have the map for getting there.

I'm praying for you and your family.