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when your spouse tells you they have not loved you the way they "should" for years, can seperating be a good thing?
her affair ended in oct., but i am wondering if this has anything to do with the affair. she says she feels uncomfortable with anything more than "casual affection", like hugging a friend.
any thoughts?
arjdad
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arjad, I really think separating is a bad idea. You need to be around your wife as much as possible to help her feel those loving feelings again. Give her time.
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ARJDAD-You mentioned you were going to marriage counseling before you knew of the affair. What was going on then? What problems you were having that you felt the need to go to MC? Your wife told me in her e-mail to me, that she thinks the affair is the least of your problems as a couple <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . MYRTA
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mryta,--
one night just before going to bed, we had not been getting along to well, i don't remember why. i asked her if she still loved me and she said "i don't know". that was not the ansr=wer i expected. even tho we were not getting along at the time, i thought she loved me. it shook me up and i started crying and asked her if she would go to MC with me. she said she would. she even called to find out where we could go and set up the first appt. at that time, she was about3-4 months into her A.
but i think our problem is deeper than the affair.
arjdad
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when your spouse tells you they have not loved you the way they "should" for years, can seperating be a good thing?
her affair ended in oct., but i am wondering if this has anything to do with the affair. she says she feels uncomfortable with anything more than "casual affection", like hugging a friend.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">arjdad,
I always feel like I'm over-simplifying things, but... to me it sounds like guilt, shame, unworthiness -- in other words, fallout from the A.
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ARJDAD--Yes I think you are right, your problems are deeper than the affair. But everything can be solved in both partners want to and are willing to. I think you both are willing to, but its a long windy road ahead of you. But with God's help you can do it!!
Myrta
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Your wife said she is not rewriting marital history, but one would think that if a spouse had an affair it would be a great excuse to say:
"We have been having problems for years and I am not sure I love you. The affair is not the issue."
That sort of takes the pressure of the WW and brings all the culpability to the BH-------- don't you think?
Gosh------------- this is hard stuff!
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arjdad, I 2nd vetoing the separation, especially in your case. If I had had a chance to Plan A (didn't know anything about it before) while still living with my husband, I think it would've made a HUGE difference in my marriage.
While the affair ended in October (a short time ago, btw), she may still be looking at your marriage through her affair-colored glasses. She is more likely than not comparing the passion of the affair to the whole of your marriage. This is unfair, but most WS do it, which is why some leave the marriage.
Patience will do you good, arjdad. I know it's hard, but I think it will work wonders for you.
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thanks all for the input.
i think it is a combination of things, fallout from the affair, and prior problems.
but, like myrta says, if we are BOTH willing to work on it we can do it.
i know i have some self-improving to do, and i am working on that as well.
again, thanks
arjdad
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ARJDAD__cHECK YOUR E-MAIL!!
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myrta,-- our e-mail server seems to be down right now. i got the one where you said you would send it, but i didn't get it,
arjdad
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myrta,--
nothing here yet.
arjdad
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Arjdad- What! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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no e-mail is showing up here yet. i don't know what is going on. i have said all along that i am computer illiterate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
arjdad
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