He's been living with OW for a month (that I know of; he's been working out of town for 4 months). Found out Dec. 3rd he wanted out, hasn't been happy for years, lost that feeling for me, etc.

I have been doing Plan A to the best of my abilities, with a couple of backslides. Even before I knew of his A, I had done major changes to myself and our home. He told me it was too little, too late.

He said he had already applied for a job where he was (700 miles away) but hadn't heard yet if he's gotten it. This was last month. I have been advised by so many people (including his mother, who is on my side.) to consult a lawyer, even tho I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. So I finally asked him Thursday what his plans are, and he said he couldn't talk to me about it, he was at work and would have to call me this weekend. He doesn't call us at night, because he is with OW.

I have a dreadful feeling he is going to say he wants a divorce, and he is going to file for one. He'll have to come here to do that, tho, as far as I know.

What should I say to him?? He already knows how I feel, that I want to work on our marriage, and it will devastate our child if he leaves us for good. She has no idea what is going on, has never even seen us fight. All she has ever seen is us loving each other.

I don't want to beg, plead, tell him no, or love bust. Do I just say,"Ok, if that is what you must do." and continue on Plan A? I really don't think it's fair for him to just throw away 16 years of being together and being best friends without even trying to work on our marriage. But, he is in the Fog right now.

I am scared because he will be SOOOO far away, with little contact with me, for chances to fill his LB. Anybody got some words of advice on this? Thank you so much.

TKD1..
{{{HUGS}}} I am so sorry you are going through this.
My advice is to live for YOU right now. There is very little you can do if he decides to file. Trust me...I knkow exactly how you feel. It's very hard. It will get better, I can promise you that!
I hope someone with some really good advice will come along and help you out. I never really had the chance to do a Plan A so I don't have many suggestions for you. I went from plan B to divorce!!!!!! Hang in there!!!!

Hi TK,

No words of wisdom really, just wanted to say I am sorry for your situation and to let you know there is hope. The boards are slow on the weekends but someone more wise than I will come along to help you.

Thank you Tree...I am sorry for you too. I just keep saying to myself,"WHY?? HOW?? How can you just forget about all the great times we've had and all we've meant to each other? HOW can you throught all of that away?"

It's only been a month and so many times I just want to give up already. Let him be free and move on. But we have been together since we were teenagers, and have struggled together and made it through so much stuff. HOW can they just forget all that? And HOW can you abandon your child to move hundreds of miles away?

He just called; he mostly talked to DD, and briefly to me, but he didn't bring up the dreaded topic. I am choosing to be optimistic about that. I have been pretty depressed all day, tho I have had alot of work to do to take my mind off of it.

I think maybe he just didn't feel like getting into the painful subject yet. I always tell him,"I'm glad you called, take care."
But sometimes I say,"I like to hear your voice." Should I say that? I never ever tell him to call more often, I never complain that about the time we do talk. The truth is I DO like to hear his voice!

Still, I want some advice on how to handle it when he DOES tell me he want to file for D. Thanks,

One suggestion I have....Prepare yourself for a divorce. Talk to a lawyer, get your finances protected, etc.

BUT...big BUT....stop bringing up the topic of divorce with him. Quit reminding him about it. I know that it's difficult to be hangin' in the wind...but for now, try not to bring it up. BTW, I should live by my own advice, but I don't always...but really, try not to remind him.

Do you email with each other? Maybe next time he calls, just be cheerful and upbeat. Then email a couple of days after or next day and say something like, "Hey, it was great talking to you last night. Those are the kind of talks I enjoyed." This kind of lets him know you had a nice interaction with him and would rather have that than fighting...KWIM?

Thank you. I did send him a funny email the other day, without a personal messege. I do try to say "It was nice to hear your voice, I'm glad you called."

I will NOT bring up divorce or his plans anymore.

1. you absolutely MUST consult a lawyer...
you need to find out your rights ASAP about things...
where you stand financially

you need to find out if he is allowed to take her out of state....and mandate no exposure to OP...

you need to find out what protection is available to your daughter to protect her to being introduced to this OW as IF it is acceptable for daddy to have a girl friend....

your daughter stands at great peril to be exposed to her as if this is a GOOD thing...

you need to work this on different levels and one level is protecting you and daughter..financially..and emotionally...

none of THIS is any of his concern...

and the flip side is you need to do the best plan A you can..

NO RELATIONSHIP TALK

NO DIVORCE TALK...you make it clear that you don't want a divorce...you want to work on a marriage together with him and create and have a loving home for you and him and the children...

read up on plan a...

when is he coming back..if ever
and why does he work so far away..
does he have a job in your town..

AND
have you exposed the affair to the light of day..

ark

Ark, thank you so much for replying. I have read alot of your posts and get so much help from them.

I DO NOT want contact between OW and my dd, and I DO NOT want dd to think it's "Ok" for this to be happening.

He got sent out of state by his company to work, which was not unusual, but the length of time was WAAAY longer than other times. Two to three weeks was the norm. Then THIS job, which was supposed to move him up in the company by giving him more responsibility; instead it stressed him to the max and had him doing things that hurt our marriage.

Then HE decided to move there to work (no doubt because of OW, he wants to work at the same place as her). He most definitely has a job here, and prospects for others. It is HIS choice to move so far away. And I have NO IDEA when he will be back here.

As far as exposing the affair, his mom knows, my family knows, but he is living hundreds of miles away, and I am reasonably sure no one there CARES that he is married and has a child. So alot of Plan A doesnt' fit with my situation. Going day by day, here. Thank you so much for helping.

OH
I think you definitely contact THAT company and tell them that if they offer this man a position that they are opening a can of worms....

ARK

I would like more opinions if anyone has something to add...Thank you

TKD1,

I'm sorry you're here under these circumstances, but this is a great place to learn.

I echo the others advice.

Prepare for divorce financially. You can't stop him from filing....and you need to be protected. But trust me, filing and finalizing are two very different things. My WH filed in July and had it dismissed three months later, a day before our hearing.

It's harder to Plan A from a distance but it can be done. Using my own example again....my WH was had been deployed for eight months when I found out about the A and was gone for another 3 months after that. He came home for two months and has been in another state since October 14th. He's been home to visit twice. It's not easy to Plan A like that, but nothing is impossible.

Expose wherever possible. Do you know who the OW is? Letting her family know may help. Co-workers? Employer.....HR if they work together.

When you talk to him, be upbeat.

Talk about what you and your daughter are doing.

I always made sure there was music in the background....something we liked to listen to together....something the kids liked.....something fun.....or something soothing, depending on my mood

I often answered the phone laughing....like I was having a blast with the kids....without him

I tried not to obviously throw his absence in his face.....it's better if he draws his own conclusion.....

BUT I always said how much we missed him and couldn't wait until we could spend family time together again.

My favorite....."Hey honey, we don't have much time, we're running out to Baskin and Robbins (or wherever). Remember the one we took DD to for her first birthday? Yeah, that one. Well, if you want to call later, we should be home. Give us a few hours though because I promised them we'd stop by the lake and feed the ducks. Don't you just love how they get so excited? Okay. Well, talk with you later. Bye."

One thing that the A did for me was to get my butt in gear in doing fun things with my kids. I love doing these things and had stopped in my own depression.

We started doing more and inevitably when WH would call we would be playing a board game or going out somewhere or even just cuddling on the couch watching a movie.

I also started going out with my girlfriends more. I stopped sitting by the phone waiting for him to call and started living my life. When he did come home for those two months, he came into a completely different home. One that was warmer and closer and one in which I was more of my own woman than mom or wife.

I had taken the time to look at myself and where my contribution to a less than perfect marriage was. I worked on me.

It has made it impossible for him to walk away completely or to dismiss me. It has made him reevaluate the rewriting of our history he did to justify his affair.

Your WH may not be home, but you can still convey many things to him through your talks and your daughter will through her interaction with him also.

Thank you! Those were very good suggestions. I really so have a bad feeling that he is rewriting history to justify what he is doing now. I know him so well; I can almost hear what he has been saying to the people around him now.

I just am not sure about exposing the A to his workplace. For one thing, it's hundreds of miles away, and I would have no way of contacing OW's family. And I have my doubts about whether his new employer would even care.

Thank you