Today's my day w/ the kids. Today is also soccer game for 6 y/o S. WxW is a coach. As I wait for team pics to be taken WxW walks in with OM/Fiancée'. I'm so overwhelmed I need an hour to recover so that I don't disintegrate in front of my children.

WxW only talks once OM is out of sight. Then ends w/ a "I have to take him to the airport" so he can crawl back to his lair.

Question: Is it too much to ask if I tell WxW to simply let me know when I may encounter OM? He is a reminder of unmitigated pain and I should have the right to choose whether or not I want to deal with him. I'm so damned depressed, and angry at myself for letting this diminish me.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I think it is fair to ask for that as I would ask the same if in that situation.

I'ld ask too.

That was unfair, inconsiderate...practically cruel of her.

DL,

WxW walks in with OM/Fiancée'

Dude, unfortunately, if he is the fiancee'and soon to be husband/stepdad you are going to be seeing alot of him at the kid's events.

Cast your eyes ahead to those meetings.

If she is attending a child event you should expect him to be there.

Hate to say it....it's a shi##y deal.

k

I have a veritable cavalcade of sh#@@y deals in my life now. Am I supposed to accept them all? My job is setting me up (I was actually TOLD this by a sympathetic administrator) my WxW could care less about flaunting her trigger-laden R in front of me. It all feels so raw. What then, can I do? My IC says ‘you can’t fight the system’, others say WxW doesn’t care. It’s everyone for his/herself, etc. The only way I can cope in these environments is to be numb. How am I supposed to parent my kids or run a department that way?

I need some kind of break in this.

Time to apply for work as a National Parks Guide, or get your resume out to every university in the country - maybe out of the country. Get away from the creepy crawlers!

DL,

I need some kind of break in this.

That's a hell of a good idea. Do you ski? Take a week and go skiing...by yourself if you must. Ski your legs off. Take a week off and go to Hawaii. Do you golf? Golf all the courses in North Carolina.

This is the only job that you can obtain? and they are about ready to shake your hand/stab in the back with the other?

God bless the kids, but the kids are the knot tying you to the WxW and the OM, to the treatment and your constant torment. Because of this knot you are at the beck and call of your work...and THEY are setting you up.

What if you didn't see your kids for 6 months? What if you could actually tell your immediate supervisor or whoever is setting you up to TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT!!

What if you took a huge breather and lived where you have always wanted to live. Maybe get a job, maybe not. Take 6 months and experience something you have always dreamed about doing. Back pack through Europe, go camping in Alaska (not before May). You are 38 dude, this might be your last chance to do something like this.

Do you have 50-50 custody? What if she and OM kept the kids for 6 months. OM will either (HAD BETTER) get in line and on board with WxW as far as how to be a parent or the OM will run screaming from the relationship with his nuts up deep around his belly button and his hair on fire.

You will come back after your 6 month sabatical refreshed, re-energized, being a new you!! HOORAY
FOR DL!! And your W will totally do a double take and her eyes will bug out of her head, like Pepe' Le Pue's when he sees the black cat with the white paint on him.

You come back being a better parent because you will be a strong confident you. (The kids will be with mom, she will not let them suffer.) Once the OM and WxW and kids are daily grind living together that foggy fairytale land will come crashing down around WXW and OM so very quick.

While you were gone soaking up the world and/or knowledge, of re=discovering yourself, or experiencing something that only 1% of all humans experience, or anything YOU WANT TO DO.

What would WxW say if you told her that you had to go on a sabbatical to keep your sanity because of the personal anguish and confusion her A has done to your psyche, spirit and soul. SO HERE ARE THE KIDS! See you maybe in six months. I will try to call them. (and of course you will)

The more I type this the more excited I get for you TO GO!!!

YOU HAVE GOT TO GO!!

k

DL,
Krusht hit the nail on the head man. You are Divorced for crying out loud. Your XW is engaged apparently. It no longer matters if she is engaged to the former OM or not.
I do think it's fair to ask your X if her former OM will be at events with the kids but you're going to have to get used to that being the case if they stay together. That's the truth.

It doesn't help your kids when you go to pieces seeing them with your X and her BF.

By your posts it sounds like you are wallowing in your own pain and spinning your wheels. I know it really sucks. Been there. It's been repeated here ad nauseum.."You cannot change other people".

Accept that, okay? That's also a truth.

Get out of your house and do something for YOU!

I know you will not neglect your kids. Doesn't mean you can't neglect your X and her BF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Good Luck!

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: cicada ]</small>

krusht:

That's a heck of a good idea! My brother lives in HI and invited me (and the boys if I want) to visit on his dime. (He's a U.S. Marshal) My question is how do I deal with my house, etc. while I'm gone? I'd miss the boys terribly but feel I can be no good to them if my head's not right. So I’ve got to remove myself either physically or emotionally from this madness.

WxW doesn't want the 'burden of domestic life'--that's why she didn't ask for more custody. in fact, she was going to give me full custody until I was hospitalized. She said she didn't want to look bad giving her kids fully to an ‘unstable’ man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I need to paint an exit from this purgatory, where I'm close enough to my ex to keep from healing and paid enough to consider the blades that await my back.

DL,

need to paint an exit from this purgatory, where I'm close enough to my ex to keep from healing and paid enough to consider the blades that await my back.

That is GOOOOOD!! You should become a writer!

Your house?? Give your house plants away and have someone mow your lawn. Stop the paper,and the trash delivery, and forward your mail. Do you mean housepayments? Can you swing those?

HAWAII ON HIS DIME??? Is it cold where you are? Hey, just go for a week and look around!! Older or younger brother? God bless brothers!!

IT'S A BIG FREAKIN WORLD OUT THERE. You have soooo much to offer and soooo much to receive in return if you can find that exit from your purgatory.

EDITED TO ADD: WxW doesn't want the 'burden of domestic life'--that's why she didn't ask for more custody.

As they say in SoCal..OH MY GOD!! She didn't or the OM didn't want the burden...HMMMMmmmmm?? What mother does not want her children with her?? I think there is mucho OM input there.

Give her the kids!! You have got to go to retrieve your sanity that was lost in the A storm.

Let the OM have a dose of domestic bliss!!

k

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

DL,

You got me on a roll here. Just wanted to add that it is so much more satisfying to be pro-active rather than re-acting to the shi$$y situations thrown your way. And no you don't have to accept them.

It would be good to get a plan for you and DO IT

k:

Hadn't thought of the OM input re: the kids. He lost his M of 13 years to an A just like me. Two boys just like me. Every other weekend custody and loves it. UNLIKE ME. I fought for 100% after WxW got foggy about motherhood.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by krusht:
<strong> DL,

Give her the kids!! You have got to go to retrieve your sanity that was lost in the A storm.

Let the OM have a dose of domestic bliss!!

k </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I worry about how she would behave without her mule of an ex carrying half the kiddie 'load'. My oler son asked me yesterday why I always take him places when I have them but mommy never does. If she's not out of town visiting OM, she's working at her medical practice. Son's complaints about her lack of contact increasing. When she is with them, she is with OM, or her SIL. Son wonders why mommy doesn't spend time alone with her sons. How would my absence affect him?

Then I look at the challenges facing folks like buttercup (in my prayers!) and wonder why I've let this drama of the fog break me so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

If she is a conflict avoider (like my WW) tell her encounters with OM may result in some incidents that she may not approve of.

My WW knows I'm definitely NOT a conflict avoider and I would have no problem making a scene.

Maybe not helpful, but just a thought...

Miker

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

DL-

I think that this 'getting away' idea is a fantastic one!!! I am not financially able to even get away for a day, much less 6 months...actually I'd venture to say it wouldn't even take you 6 months....maybe a month or so, and you'll be right as rain.

Stop feeling guilty about the kids, they know you love them, and it's difficult for you to be a great Dad to them if you're letting yourself go by the wayside. (I'm a huge offender of this)

I think if you have the means you should definitely do it, and it'll probably be the end of your WxWs new relationship (BONUS!!). Nothing kills that kinda stuff faster than a healthy dose of reality!!!!

If you do decide to do this, I would NOT give her a definite on when you'd be back, leave it open ended, so she doesn't see an end to the 'torture'......if she knows you'll be gone for say 3 weeks, she'll be doing the ...only 2 more weeks...countdown. If she has no clue, then she'll feel trapped.

I assume she at least cares for the boys pretty well, right? I mean you wouldn't be leaving them and fear that they'd be neglected would you?

Time to give her a taste of her own medicine, I say <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

dlc:

You know? When I first read krusht's suggestion, knowing your story like I do, I thought "oh great, this is a BAD idea". But then I saw your response. And you know, I changed my mind! I think it's a good idea, 2 look in2 seriously, at least.

*talk 2 your brother, see if he's serious.

*Consider taking your kids with you, at least for a time. I think this would ac2ally be pretty neat if they were with YOU for 6 months, half way around the world from the xW. Let them talk 2 her on the phone, but you wouldn't have 2 see or hear from her the whole time.

*If you go, while you're there, look for a job there. Look in2 the legalities of moving your kids out of your state before you do this, though.

*if you find a job there, sell the house here. Nothing 2 worry about in that case.


Got another brother in Tibet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long