ark^^,

This is a wonderful, and thought provoking post.

Hopefully, I can provide those who are fresh or failing in Plan B.

I won't bore folks with the details, the long and short of it is in my signature.

I started in Plan B, after roughly 60 days of Plan A, and after clinging to this board for support through the first part of last year.

I really didn't find it that scary at first. Things were spinning so hard and so fast at the time, that eliminating one thing from the equation (having to converse with WW) brought a little bit of peace into my life.

I never heard from WW during Plan B. I ran into her twice at a local concert venue. I hugged my W, and spoke to her briefly, both times in front of and without acknowledging her OM.

I went through our anniversary without hearing from my WW. (I sent her a card.) I went through the holidays with only a brief text message conversation after my birthday.

The most amazing thing about Plan B is that it forced my to create a life for myself, or I would cease to exist.

It wasn't an all at once process. Not hardly. But day by day, event by event, I sculpted a life for myself. And "the act" that began in Plan A, had become who I was. I went through days with a smile on my face, prayer in my heart and feeling stronger, lighter.

Has a day gone by when I haven't thought about my WW? About the betrayals, and lies? Honestly, no... Too many questions. Too many whys, hows and whens. But I've also realized that those questions may just have to go unanswered....and I'm getting more and more OK with that...

Plan B removed me from the day by day chaos of the A(s) and everything that came with them. It gave me the opportunity to examine what I wanted from any relationship. What I was and wasn't willing to accept from a romantic partner, a spouse. And I realized that WW exhibited none of those characteristics.

And after having my self-esteem destroyed, after being humiliated by her actions, after being discarded and left in a heap, not for one person, but seemingly for anybody but me....

I was able to stop....

...and look....

...and listen...

...and come to the conclusion that as much as I have loved my WW, as much as I can reflect fondly on some of the good times that we had, and look with sadness that the wife and marriage I had in my mind were not the wife and marriage that were in reality....

I realized that she is not, and I dare to say, will not be "worthy" of a relationship with me.

And, so I've begun the work on concluding my marriage.

But Plan B does not have to be the end of your M. It can sometimes open the eyes of the WS, so they can see what they could lose.

But ideally, it will open the eyes of the BS. It will show them what life has in store for them. How much beauty, strength, patience and true love that they have. And if the BS can look in the mirror, shrug off all of the crap that the A rains upon them, and find a sense of self-worth through this most difficult time, can you not call Plan B a success?

Did Plan B make the pain stop?

No.

Did Plan B make my wife's A stop?

No.

Did Plan B save my marriage?

No.

But I feel like it was a large part in saving me.

And you know what?

I'll take that.

I examined what I wanted today, and in the future, and who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go. Then, only then, should you examine where your WS fits in all of that.

If you've gotten to the point where you're tired of this A, you've done Plan A as well as possible, and you still feel ravaged by all of this....

Then think very seriously about Plan B.

Get there.

Stay there.

And if they can't get it right, then stay dark.

And reclaim who are. Piece by piece. Day by day. And don't allow your betrayer another piece of you. Not as a punishment to them, but as a reward to you.

You've earned it.


Ethan

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Plan B is all about healing and self-respect. I truly have only one expectation, that I will regain my self respect and move forward to healing.

Plan B is about saving the good, and growing past the bad. I want to let go of the bitterness and be able to move forward in my life. It doesn't change my feelings for my WS. I can repeat that feeling. I love him still, but not at all cost.

Something I've been reading fits very well, I think, into this discussion. Janis Spring's second book, How Can I Forgive You? is written for a general audience, but it's primary thesis is obviously ideally suited to a BS with an unrepentant WS.

This thesis is that you may not be able to forgive somebody who has hurt you this deeply. Not because you're bitter, or because you cling to your righteousness, but because real forgiveness is a transaction that occurs between two people, and when one of those people is too bent on continuing to hurt you to make that transaction possible, you're forced to banish her from your life.

This is not to be confused with a belligerent refusal to forgive. The banishment is necessary when the other party is not engaged in the process of healing a hurt person must undergo. In that situation, you're forced to let go of your pain, examine your own contribution to what's happened, evaluate, with as much sympathy and understanding you can manage, the things in the guilty person's character that led to their actions, and find a way to release yourself from what has been done to you.

This is very much a part of what plan B is.

GC

^^

bumping for those in it..
those heading for it..
and those who can offer support...

ARK

Go back to the beginning of this thread and read what Ark wrote. Plan B is exactly what she said.

In His arms.

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

believer, pep,,..weaver....spidey..bobpure..2long...wat...MELODY????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did mortarman just call me a he???

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

say it isn't so.....

what is with that????....

I'm gonna start irrationaly whining...just to prove it wrong....

I'm gonna have every fifth post be about my hair....

and every tenth post will end with

do I look fAT in this????

pass the chocolate....

ARK

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Sorry Ark...I type so fast that I miss letters sometimes. If you look at most of my posts, there are a bunch of misspellings.

I even wrote one time the word "dck" when I was trying to spell "dock." As you can guess, it was taken the "other" way!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sorry!!

whheeww...

I was scared...

typos I can live with...

but if i had a nickel for evertime someone thought I was a he....
it really can cause a complex... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

especially since I really do believe this whole message board...should revolve around me.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ARK

I’ve been wondering lately if this place is the best thing for someone in plan B. I believe the first few weeks or so during plan B or a separation requires the support and sense of solidarity that the forums provide, but after that …I’m not so sure.

I wonder if some people tend to plateau in their growth and healing by maintaining the connection to their loneliness via the boards. I sense on occasion that some folks get focused on the injury they received and replaying the drama here instead of rebuilding their lives and noticing their blessings rather than their misfortune. I fear that the environment can, on occasion, create some sort of critical mass for them and they just decide to “walk away” from it all including their marriage.

I know that I replay the deceit I suffered by reading here about the deceit others endure. I can feel my own bitterness and resentment build and it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see myself calling my lawyer to begin the paperwork.

I’ve often thought I should completely put this experience out of mind as much as possible for the time being. Leave this puter alone and pursue all my other hobbies during the scant moments I have free.

I think cerri posted about this once and that the coaches over on SYMC are keenly aware of the effect of a BS dwelling upon the A in plan B. If memory serves they tend to discourage the posting or any other trigger to the pain of the A for these or similar reasons. As has been stated several times previously, it’s the BS that becomes the biggest threat to the marriage at some point.

Does this make sense?

Makes sense to me, binder. That's why I've been visiting only occasionally. I don't want to build my life around a negative event.

First of all great post furniture man..could not have said it better...Binder and A. M Martin..I too only pop in here ocasionally...I am close to turning the last page of the book...from there I hope for peace and living life to the fullest

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Ark-

Thank you for this post in my thread, I appreciate it greatly.

I have a few questions, but let me say that your initial post on this thread has been bookmarked so that I may refer to it as I am in Plan B.

For Everyone-
Now, people say to me over and over and over that Plan B is not to end the affair, I even believe it's implied that it's not to save the marriage, but your sanity. I just wanted to post what Dr.Harley says about Plan B.
***********************************

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.
*********************************************
Okay, now I realize that during plan B I will be concentrating on ME and not trying to find out what my WH is doing....but I truly believe that the reason for going to plan B is an attempt to save the marriage. If not, I'd be trying some different Plan....like Plan K.(Kidnap and deprogram LMAO)

Just my thoughts, I am ready for the onslaught LMAO

-Caren

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Okay, now I realize that during plan B I will be concentrating on ME and not trying to find out what my WH is doing....but I truly believe that the reason for going to plan B is an attempt to save the marriage. If not, I'd be trying some different Plan....like Plan K.(Kidnap and deprogram LMAO)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B is about honoring your marriage. IMHO, at some point a BS is dishonoring themselves and doing the WS no good by staying in Plan A. The question each person has to ask themselves is when is Plan A breaking the cycle of LB's and when has it moved into allowing the WS to remain in the A without feeling all the consequences. This may sound harsh, but really it is loving.

It was not loving for me to stand by and allow my WH to continue to self-destruct WITH MY HELP! He continues down the same path at this time...however, it is without my help, as I have gone dark (at least I am trying). The situation had escalated, so I KNEW it was time...but I had to be ready for that. Now I am focusing on my part in the marriage relationship...healing, the difference is I am doing it by myself and for myself...and my DD...and my relationship with God (not in that order)!

Plan B for me has been strangely freeing. But this was only true because I went through Plan A. For me to head straight to Plan B would have been unacceptable...

Anyway...I will get of my soap box...forgive me, I am post-call...up for 30 hours...the brain is beginning to shut down!
Tina

By the way...sorry I am such a sporadic poster...unfortunately I do a little better with email than with posts to boards. I am a little OCD and therefore, a little overwhelmed with knowing where to start. TIna

Well, I just meant that everyone tells me that it won't stop the affair...but IMO (and I'll admit, I don't know from experience) it's letting it run it's course, to die it's natural death, and actually sorta helping it along, but forcing the OP to try to fill all the EN's of the WS.

I, of course, debate almost anything...go on ask me if the sky is blue, I'll find a way to debate you on it...lol.

I just wanted to put down here what I interpreted from what I read, and I realize it's all open to interpretation, and that the Plan B veterans know better than I, but I thought the *point* of all this was to save the marriage...and in the event that it couldn't be saved, the separation from the WS and the chaos would help you with the less favorable outcome.

Again....just my thoughts, definitely not based in fact.....ask me in a couple months...LOL, I'm sure my position may change.

-Caren

I just delivered my PBL last night. It contained all of the elements in ARK's original post - actually I got the ARK PBL Stamp 'O Approval(TM) before delivering (Thanks ARK!).

I was lucky in one sesne that I never had to debate when the right time to go to Plan B was. She filed on me. It was Plan B or Plan D. I still wan't to honor my marriage commitment, so I chose Plan B.

TM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I, of course, debate almost anything...go on ask me if the sky is blue, I'll find a way to debate you on it...lol.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Were you a debator? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Actually, I think that everything about this stuff...and I use that for the general muck that is involved...is relative to where you are. Saving my marriage is still my goal...unfortunately, it is not my WH's goal...so onward I move...do I still love him? Of course. I wish he were still my H, the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with...but unfortunately he is trapped...my pastor called it "myred (SP?) in bondage!" Pretty good explaination for where we are now!

BTW, I was thinking today...my WH says that he is happy..moving forward...(we all know that sin is fun for a while!)...but if that is so, why does he look so bad? I think that it may be for my benefit...sometimes this is hard...HELP!
Tina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong>
I, of course, debate almost anything...go on ask me if the sky is blue, I'll find a way to debate you on it...lol.


-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We musta been seperated at birth!