Today is my 12th anniversary! We decided to celebrate it last nite, b/c Sunday nite a lot of restarants here (ITaly) are closed. We went out and just drove around and parked by some old ruins and walked around until we found a restaruant that W said looked "quaint". We had an incredible meal (all seafood) that is standard fair for this restaurant and region. We talked mostly about the restaurant and how lucky we were to stumble on it. Shared a bottle of local white wine that was fabulous, peeled the label so we can stock up and take back with us to the States when we move back this summer.
W looked stunning. She wore these beige pants that she knows I love her in, also made sure I knew she was wearing a thong b/c she knows that drives me crazy!
Got home around 1130 PM, paid babysitter and started to prepare for bed. W did not iniatite SF, but I could tell that it was not out of the question. I asked her to put on this purple lingerie I bought her several months ago, and wait about 5 minutes in the bathroom. I quickly pulled out 4 cnadles and lit them to try and set the mood. Also got 2 glasses of champagne to drink. W came into the the bedroom, and looked as radiant as she did on our wedding nite.
Yes, SF happened. WARNING: Adult content ahead. W knows SF is my #1 EN. SF is still very hard for her with me, and I can tell (talk about humiliating). But last nite, she allowed me to, uhm, er, orally pleasure her. Since I confronted in March, and for a few months before, she would not let me do this. I really like to do this for her, and before the A, she would ask me to...you know. So, last nite, it was a big deal, b/c it is a big intimacy deal for me. I was so excited and satisfied doing that, that I said we not need to do anything else, I was happy she was allowing me to do that again. She insisted, and we made love. Even held each other afterwards, but was awkward. All in all, a very good nite, one of the best in a long time.
We had decided to not exchange anniversay presents b/c we got each other big Christmas presents. But, I did anyway. W collectes LLADRO Christmas bells (my parents get her the current year each year as thier gift to her). She really loves them and leaves the bells up and displayed thru most of January. She has every year since '93. I found out that LLADRO did not start the bell collection until 1987, so that leaves just a few to get and complete the collection. On EBAY, I bought her the '91 & '92 bells and gave them to her this morning with a card. Card was a romantic one, but not too strong, and I said that "we have had ups and downs, but thru it all I will always treasure my feelings for you. Thanks for 12 great years. Love, BM". She was surprised by my gift (and a little embarrased b/c she did not get me anything) b/c it was close to perfect. I left the gift out the nite before on the kitchen table and she found them before I got out of bed. W came back to the bedroom, said "thanks, that was really, really thoughtful. I love them." She got me a card, a funny one, signed only with "Love, W".
OK, sounds pretty positive, right? Here are some things that bother me. Still can't say ILY, guess 'cuz it isn't there for her. I hate having to not say it to her, especially on our anniversay. SF is still awkward, and I can tell it is really conflicting for her. There have been a couple of times she has invited me into the shower w/her for...you know. And, the overall "wierdness" of the nite. We were afraid to talk about the future, and the past.
But, feels like something to build on. Does this sound like progress to anyone? Even though she does not feel "in love" with me, she still engages in SF, often mostly for my benefit, but last nite allowed more intimacy than we have had in a long time. I guess that has to count for something.
