Can you fully recover? God knows I'm trying. I'm finding recovery very difficult bcecause my primary task right now is simply to SURVIVE and make it through another day and then another night.

My H is being extremely patient. I worry that I'm making it so difficult on him. He tries to be understanding, but he can't really understand, not having been here. Sometimes I feel so angry and it makes me want to SHOW him how this feels. I know I will not act on this, but I sometimes get satisfaction just daydreaming about it.

My daydream: Fast forward 5 years. Everything is going wonderfully in our marriage and he is happy, secure, having his EN's met, etc...I wait until he is most comfortable, in love, trusting, and secure and then I strike by having an A and lying to him for 1.5 years. Maybe then he will know how it feels to be in this hell.

I realize this is completely destructive. I also realize I will not do this.

One of the things I am struggling a lot with is WHY this happened. I was meeting his EN's! If there was one lacking, he knows I would have done anything to meet it. How could I meet it if he didn't tell me!

We have talked extensively on the WHY subject, and he says that he felt pressured to get married. He thinks that I was pressuring him. This made me very angry for several reasons: He said he wanted to get married, when I sensed some hesitation on his part I brought it to his attention and tried to discuss it with him. He lied!!! Not only did he lie, he acted like I was paranoid for even thinking it and asked what he could possibly do to convince me that he DID, in fact, want to get married. If he had just told me! I can't say that I wouldn't have been hurt. I might have been hurt by the fact that he had hesitation, but it wouldn't have destroyed my life! It wouldn't have hurt like it's hurting now!

I don't see how I have contributed to this. I don't see how I have "helped create an environment that made an A possible". Am I just in denial and refusing to take responsibility? Is it possible for me to have been meeting his EN's and this still happen? Or did he just deny me the opportunity to meet them? That hardly seems fair. Does my portion of the responsiblity lie in the fact that I didn't make it safe to for him to be honest? How do I correct that? That's not my fault! I'm allowed to have my feelings hurt. It's HIS responsibility to be honest, not mine to manipulate or mislead him about my feelings to goad him into telling me the truth. One thing that makes me kind of angry is that he now says that the fact that we are married is the very thing that makes him truly happy now. That makes it seem as though all this pain was for naught. What a waste, when he was just going to get married and be happy about it in the end! Was marrying me some sort of consolation prize for my suffering? He says no. He says he had a revelation upon d-day when he knew what he wanted and almost lost. Sometimes I don't know how to trust what he says because he BELIEVES himself. He seems to have difficulty identifying his feelings and just automatically responds with whatever he thinks he "should" feel. How do we overcome that?

*Positive note* He revealed something to me about his past that he has kept hidden from everyone for most of his life. It took some very SERIOUS courage on his part. It felt good to show him that I love him, accept him and that I can be trusted with raw honesty. I hope it made him feel closer to me.

Lately, I have become more worried about the situation of his deployment to Afghanistan March 15th. A mere 4 months into our recovery we are going to be separated for 12-18 months. Is it even POSSIBLE that our new marriage is going to survive? Am I going to survive? I don't see how. The only thing that is getting me through each day is his support, love, patience, and constant companionship. I am so afraid. How do we meet each others EN's when we are so far apart and for so long-particularly if we are both feeling very needy due to the current crisis? How can we heal together if we are apart?

Sometimes the pain all of this is so excruciating and the future feels so hopeless that I pray for death.

--------------------

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

frozen, I understand your concerns. I would say, if your H has been very good in recovery, give him the opportunity to prove himself, however tread cautiously. As far as dealing with each other over the miles, I would jus tsay send him emails telling him how you feel about him, miss him, want him etc. Keep him thinking of home and you.

I know how death seems like the easier way out, but its' not. Think of your family and friends who would be devestated over it.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know how death seems like the easier way out, but its' not. Think of your family and friends who would be devestated over it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AM I,

I do realize this, and would never take action on it as I have children who depend on me. But thanks for reminding me all the same.

Oh hon, I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. I don't think that your H is just going through the motions, I really don't. He came here and posted and has acknowledged what he did. I think you need to try really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. (I know how hard it is, you're probably always waiting for the other shoe to drop). If this is going to work out, you're going to have to tell him all these things, tell him what you need from him to be secure that everything is okay.

I don't know what to tell you to do for when he's deployed. I know this scares you, but I assume the OW is not going to be deployed also, is she? Do you feel that your husband would have another A with a new/different person just because he's away from you?? How long will he be gone?

Try to concentrate on the good hon, He's there, he's with you, he's trying and aside from having a time machine to go back before it all happened this is all he can really do. All he can do is be sorry it happened and make sure it doesn't happen again.

You're in my prayers,

Caren

hi, frozen.

I think it likely that you are dealing with a character issue with your husband, not a relational issue.

He had opportunity with the other woman and took it. He now appears to be genuinely remorseful, not that he was caught, but that he did it. Regardless, only time will tell what his true motivations are.

The two of you need to research the root cause of the affair, and if it is indeed nothing more than a character issue, address it and move on.

Character issues are obviously serious, but in practice, they can often be corrected more quickly than emotional issues (when separate) due to the entwined nature of emotional connections between adulterers.

In other words, if your husband was not seriously emotionally attached to this woman, and can face his character issues, then your recovery may be quick enough for you to find comfort during his deployment. He obviously has a huge part to play in that scenario. I hope that he is taking all of this very seriously with you.

patriot92, if you are reading this, I hope that you realize that your wife is a woman of character and deserves to be treated well by you. She deserves your faithfulness. I hope the future will prove you up to the task.

God Bless,
Gimble

Hi Frozen,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can you fully recover? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes you and your H can recover from this...

Dave Carder in his book Torn Asunder says that it's critical for both the BS and WS to find the message (or the "Why") of the affair... this is a great place and there are tons of great "adultery recovery" books out there, but none of these websites or books can take the place of a good, pro-marriage marriage counselor.

MC will help you both gain some perspective on your thoughts and feelings and help guide you both as you rebuild your M. It won't make rebuilding your M any easier or less painfull... but it will keep focused and moving forward. Without MC, you and your H will spend much of your time chasing each other around in circles without ever really dealing with the real core issues.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Lately, I have become more worried about the situation of his deployment to Afghanistan March 15th. A mere 4 months into our recovery we are going to be separated for 12-18 months. Is it even POSSIBLE that our new marriage is going to survive? Am I going to survive? I don't see how. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm deployed to Afghanistan right now... I've been here 8 months and have 4 more months to go. Your M will surive this deployment... You will survive... Your H will be fine over here... More on some things that you and your H can do while he's deployed....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do we meet each others EN's when we are so far apart and for so long-particularly if we are both feeling very needy due to the current crisis? How can we heal together if we are apart? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W and I started MC with our church in April/May of 2001... I deployed to Kosovo in September 2001 right after 9/11. Our MC advised us to not try and do any "deep" recovery work while on the deployment... but for us to try and stay as connected as we could through e-mail, IM, letters, and phone calls... Use this time to keep your H informed on what the family is doing... try to be upbeat and positive when you have a chance to talk with him on the phone...

Does your H have a close friend in the unit that can help him with accountability during the deployment? I know that this will be a big issue for you.

If you and your H haven't started MC, please try to find a good pro-marriage MC ASAP and start going... a good MC will give you guys a good battle plan to help you both through this deployment.

Semper Fi,
RIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you feel that your husband would have another A with a new/different person just because he's away from you??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it stands to reason. After all, he did it here right under my nose.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long will he be gone? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">12-18 months

Thank you, Caren. You are in my prayers also

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it likely that you are dealing with a character issue with your husband, not a relational issue.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not the first time I have heard this term. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is. Could you please clarify?

Well... I am trying not to mess this up.

in other news, and not to hi-jack the thread, RIF... send me an email at patriot92@cox.net when you get time. I would like to get an explaination of the ANA mission. Send me an email and I will tell you why I have to ask...

SFC Patriot92
lol

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: patriot92 ]</small>

RIF,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm deployed to Afghanistan right now... I've been here 8 months and have 4 more months to go. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope that you are doing well. Thank you for the sacrifice you are making. I'm curious how things are for you over there. How do you know my H will be fine over there? Do you mean he will be safe from danger? Or do you mean there ARE no women there and I will be safe from danger? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />



</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does your H have a close friend in the unit that can help him with accountability during the deployment? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No close friends. The only idea we have had so far is that he is planning to counsel with the chaplain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you and your H haven't started MC, please try to find a good pro-marriage MC ASAP and start going... a good MC will give you guys a good battle plan to help you both through this deployment.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We began MC very shortly after d-day. Unfortunately (or fortunately) our MC "fired" us last week. We think he had issues. We need to find a new one.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I really appreciate it.

Patriot92 - You've got mail!

Frozen1229 - Let my try to answer some of your questions...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do you know my H will be fine over there? Do you mean he will be safe from danger? Or do you mean there ARE no women there and I will be safe from danger? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Afghanistan is still a dangerous place, but the day to day activites aren't nearly as dangerous or "bad" as the things that you see on the news... There are lots of women here at the base where I am... and sadly to say, there are a lot of troopers that are getting into trouble. I will say that most of the soldiers that are getting into trouble are doing so on their own... it's not like there's a huge social night life here! I guess my point is that if you want to stray, it can be done at the expense of your military career... and if you want to remain faithful to your spouse, there are plenty of resources to help you remain faithful...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No close friends. The only idea we have had so far is that he is planning to counsel with the chaplain. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is your H's unit chaplain, you might want to schedule an appointment for both of you to go talk with him... Tell the chaplain what you guys are going through and ask him to help you guys through this deployment... The chaplain will be a confidential supporter for you and won't blab about your family issues to the entire unit... plus he can be your H's accountability partner during the deployment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We began MC very shortly after d-day. Unfortunately (or fortunately) our MC "fired" us last week. We think he had issues. We need to find a new one. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Find a new MC as soon as you can and let him/her know what's going on with the deployment... make sure that you ask for specific help in how you both can deal with this deployment.

You guys can do this... keep a positive attitude and take things one day at a time...

Semper Fi,
RIF