Arrrrrgh!! I'm so aggravated! I just talked to my mother on the phone, I hadn't talked to her in a few days and she called to see how I was doing. She always makes sure to ask about Me and Mark (I'd prefer she didn't), I told her everything was still the same. She said "I thought you weren't going to talk to him anymore." (I gave her an overview of Plan B) and I said "I'm not ready for that yet Mom" She said "Well has he given you any words of encouragement?" I said "No, I don't talk to him about it" She said "Wow, I wish I could have my cake and eat it too" I just let it slide but it drives me freakin crazy!

No one, not one person in my life can be supportive of my decision to fight for this. (With the exclusion of my Pastor) Everyone is of the opinion that I should just file on him. It's awful. They have no respect for me anymore, and I'm sure they talk about how fragile I've become...etc. No one understands, it's very disheartening! I am trying so hard, and doing the most difficult thing I've ever done, and all I get is a bunch of crap from everyone.

My mom even went so far as to say, when I told her about my WH having to agree to NC with OW during Plan B, "That's never gonna happen." I said "It has to, or I'm not going to get back with him" She said "Well, it'll happen you just won't know about it."

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I could just scream!

-Caren

Caren -

That is why we are all here. I don't discuss my relationship with WH with my family, his family, or friends. They just don't understand. Only folks who have gone through this can help you.

WH's family all are glad that he is so happy, even though they loved me before he had OW.

My family has told me from D-day to dump him. My friends are tired of hearing about it, and tell me the same.

By the way, I don't want him back any longer. But the only people who can help you are here.

I have told no one of my WW.

The only support I have is this site, Steve Harley every two weeks, and my faith in God. I have decided that if God wants us to end the marriage then so be it. I am currently in Plan A doing a good job and "Demonstrating Change" in myself. I know my wife sees the change she just refuses to admit it.

I cannot control her, educate her, rationalize, etc... I have to let her figure this out for herself.

If she wants the marriage over with then so be it. I'm not going to beg her to come back, wouldn't work anyways (who wants a Loser hanging on, kind of what you're doing). Make yourself the Attactive Alternative (not physically) and you may have a chance. Right now I would say you have Zero chance with your Emotional outburst and no plan. The way I deal with my wife, I imagine she has a Brain Tumor and I don't believe anything she says or does. It seems to bug the hell out of her, she gets ticked off when I don't argue with her or appear to be happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Forget about that OW, "You are the Problem" not her. Just like I'm the Problem, not the OM. Your husband made the decision to be with her so stop wasting your time thinking of her.

If you want to lose your husband forever, then continue to dwell on her. If it wasn't her it will be some other woman, lot of fish in the Sea.

Get control of your emotions like I finally did and make a plan. A plan to work on yourself and a plan of attack to win your husband back. Call Steve Harley and put together a Plan.

Good Luck

Andrew

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

I have nothing wise to say on this except my thoughts and prayers are with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Right now I would say you have Zero chance with your Emotional outburst and no plan. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TA????? What do you mean? I didn't have an emotional outburst. I only started plan Aing a week ago, and have been very calm, cool and collected everytime I've spoken to/seen my WH. I do have outburst here...if not I'd lose my mind. I can try to convince him I'm doing fantastic, but I'm not so sure I can convince myself.

-Caren

Caren, I know what ya mean. 'Cept my WW knows my original login name and reads here. I had to open this new account to have a bit of privacy. It's hard to convince yourself you are doing fine when you are not. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Caren...
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I know this is all driving you crazy as it is most of us here who are going through all of this garbage.
I would just have a long talk with your mom and explain how her comments make you feel.
She's your mom and she loves you and only wants the best for her daughter. I'm sure it's hard for her to watch you going through this. My mom calls me constantly and worries about me and my son. I have always been close to my mom but this has bonded us even more.

This is YOUR life not anyone else's. You are choosing to fight for your WH because you made a commitment and took vows in front of God. Those people who look down at your for this obviously have never had any problems like this in their life and can't possibly know what they would do in your shoes. Hold your head up high!!!!

Hang in there and know that you have lots of support!

My Mom sort of has a "tough love" approach to things, I don't think she means things to sound the way they do.....but I really don't feel like going into all this with her...I just don't have the energy.

I'm so glad I found this site...I would have been a loon if I didn't find someone to talk to that understood where I was coming from.

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> My Mom sort of has a "tough love" approach to things, I don't think she means things to sound the way they do.....but I really don't feel like going into all this with her...I just don't have the energy.

I'm so glad I found this site...I would have been a loon if I didn't find someone to talk to that understood where I was coming from.

-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Caren,

This has too be so frustrating for you. My mom is kind of the tough love type too. Although I agree with TreeReich that it is because she loves you and doesnt like to see you in pain. I know if my daughter were going through this kind of pain, I would want to seriously hurt whoever was causing it.

It is hard to stand for you marriage in this society. I have said on other posts that it is frustrating to see what a low status marriage has in our culture. People don't understand that some of us still believe in marriage and take those vows seriously...until death do us part--not "until someone more exciting comes along."

Hugs to you. I agree that this site is such a great outlet for all the feelings we go through.

Suzanne

Caren,

My mom did the same thing. At the beginning, there were somedays that she made me cry more than WxH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I talked about this with my IC, she said, your mom is hurt as you are ... she loved him as a son and she does not know how to deal with the things he has done to you. she is dealing with her own feelings of hurt, anger and resentment but through you and she is hurting you too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

On my DD christening was back in April (she came for the Baptism) she didn't want to sit close to him, it was horrible! ... After she left , I finally had a conversation with her. I know you are hurt too ... but I feel that with your comments on him and this whole situation, you're pressing me against the wall. And right now I don't even want to talk to you about anything and that makes me sadder because I need you, I need you to support my decisions and help me with my pain. Please, don't ask me how things are between us, wait until I tell you. If I don't say anything, it might be because nothing is going on at that moment and I want to enjoy those moments of peace and your questioning will only remind me of the hurt... If I tell you what's going on, unless I especifaclly ask what do you think? please keep your (sometimes nasty) comments about him to yourself and just listen ... that's what I need from you ...
we both cried ... but since then, our relationship improved a lot and she is one of the few people that knows exactly what's going on between WxH and me ... and when she feels the need to vent, she calls him, leaves him a nasty message <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and move on ... he listens to the messages, erases them, but he has never told me anything about them or about telling my mom not to call him ...

On other family members and friends, I used to have a big group of friends, everyone happy ... no problems ... we would go out every weekend, email each other almost every day ... until this happened ...
They didn't ... correction, they DO NOT understand what my feelings are, why if we are divorced I still want to have a relationship with him ...
Saddly, only the ones that have gone through something like this, will support you and your decisions and will have their shoulders ready for you to cry when you need them without saying anything that will hurt you more.
My circle of friends is so small right now ... since the others chose not to have anything to do with WxH or me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , that it's not even a circle ...
They don't call me anymore to go out, or to talk, they don't even email me ... so in addition of dealing with the betrayal of my spouse, I've learned to deal with friendships ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I don't hold anything against them because it is very difficult for them to understand, I miss them but I can not let their actions hurt me too ...

And even when I do not post that much or every day ... I do read these boards every day ... and even when I do not know any of the people here I feel closer to every one here than what I feel about my friends ...

Your mom means well. She can see the pain you are in and sees this as a way of ending it. Everybody deals with it differently. My Inlaws think that if they pray hard enough and I watch for the "little signs of love" hard enough, then we'll stay married. To me, divorce would be the easy way. I want to make sure that I've worked all I can on my marriage before I'd resort to that.

I thank God for this support group every day. Unlike friends and family, nobody here is tired of hearing about it. Everyone is always sympathic and gives the best advice.

<<<<<<MB>>>>>>>>>>>

Caren, even now, when people find out mine and H's M is in recovery, they think I am NUTS for not D'ing him. Even if you fight for your M, and you save it, expect people to still think you are 1)nuts, 2)needy, 3)have no self respect, 4)some other personal judgement they have placed on you that could hurt your feelings if you listen to them.

I was FIRMLY in the "No way I'd ever stick around" category before my H's A. And here I am, over 1 year later, rebuilding my M.

What are the natural consequences for the lack of your mother's unconditional support? She probably won't be included in a lot of your thoughts and decision-making discussions. You can only afford to keep those close who are going to support you. Those that TRUST you enough to know that you are doing what you feel is RIGHT, not because you have a character flaw.

Keep coming here and posting and venting. We ALL understand what you are going through, and WHY you are going through it.

Spidey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No one, not one person in my life can be supportive of my decision to fight for this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweetie - I'm there with ya! There are even some posters here that don't support me. Ah well...you got me hon! I'm behind you 110%!

- Kimmy

Hey Caren,

Your Mom will be GREAT once you move to Plan B (maybe be your intermediary?) But right now, toxic...

It's bothering you so much because she is speaking to EACH ONE OF YOUR FEARS! It's hard to combat those fears within yourself, let alone hearing it from your Mom. How do you let it not bother you? Got to look at what she is saying and why it bothers you so much and build confidence within yourself. Also a good idea to come up with a pat statement to say to people when they are doing something that is detrimental to you...something like, "I'm having a tough time right now, and I know you care about me, keep me in your prayers, but I don't want to talk about this right now, I want to talk about something else..I think about this situation too much and want a change of pace...thanks!" Or something like that...sometimes you have to say the same thing over and over or keep saying it everytime the conversation comes up again...it's OK, set this boundary. When it's Plan B time, you can hear these things then...

Caren, keep your chin up and all the good work! This thread has been very helpful to me!!!
I am currently in plan B since th 26th dec after 2 months of plan A. I felt I was sort of pushed into plan B because everyone so disapproved ofmy WH´s A: my family and friends couldn´t believe I didn´t kick him out on d day. But there are cultural issues in my case which make it a little more difficult than it would be if I were in USA. I am constantly reading here on MB and am trying to get the books recommended although it is not easy nor cheap.

But I have been convinced that MB principles will work and I have hope. I may be the only one in this part of the world following these principles but I am determined to do it.

I can´t talk to my family and friends because they don´t understand, IC and MC are practically non existant as far as I know. I suspect that most people just prefer to either ignore As and sweep them under the rug orget divorced but don´t talk about the A being the reason. It´smore of a simple take it or leave it approach.
Third world country!!!!!!

So I try to ignore these attitudes and read a lot here and try to soak up everyone´s experiences and apply what I can.

My mother did not have contact with WH since she found out.She would call and ask if he was around before coming to visit.It is sad. She is 81 and was terribly hurt because I think she really loved him as a son.My brother also quit talking to him or seeing him. But they are my family and they are very supportive for me and if I cannot recover my marriage I know they will be there.

Have faith! Keep posting! We are all with you!

and thanks to all MBers for their support! Even if I don´t post much I am here reading and following your stories and learning from your experiences and your wisdom and your faith!

there are sure to be many of us who just read because we don´t have much to contribute, yet! and are very grateful.