Recently, I found an e-mail string of my husband and an exgirlfriend. The beginning of the e-mail was not alarming, but as it continued, my husband wrote "...I asked Santa for you." The exgirlfriend replied "...you know the answer is yes..." In a later reply, my husband told her that he missed her.

When confronted, my husband agreed that the e-mail was inappropriate and stated that they were just flirting with each other and nothing has or would happen.

The exgirlfriend called to apologize and also stated that they had not seen each other for 15 years and that she was happily married with 2 children. She stated that she thought about my husband ('out of the blue') a few months ago and decided to call him at work to say 'hi'. At that time they exchanged e-mail addresses and ocassionally corresponded with each other.

Initially, my husband was very apologic but lately he has started to down play the situation and states that I over reacted. He yells that he did NOT have an affair, it was a stupid misjudgment on his part and I should get over it.

I do not know how to explain to him that this "flirting" has really hurt me and destroyed my trust. I consider flirting cheating.

Please advise.

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: jwm ]</small>

jwm,

In Shirley Glass's book "NOT "JUST FRIENDS"", She says "If you would not feel comfortable for your partner to hear your conversations (flirting) with your "friend" then it is not just a friendship.

I think flirting, if you can do it in front of your spouse without feeling uncomfortable, is innocent enough. There is some flirting that is "non sexual" and more like teasing and kidding, that is playful.

I asked Santa for you." answered with you know the answer is yes..." (HOECHEEWAAWAA!!!)

This does not fall into my catagory of flirting.

Flirting, by definition, has sexual undertones. If not it would be conversation. There can be sexual undertones in mixed company that borders on comedy relief rather than sexual innuendo.

If you can flirt with the waitress/waiter while your spouse is sitting at the table listening, then it is OK.

EDITTED TO ADD: At that time they exchanged e-mail addresses and ocassionally corresponded with each other.

Can you check to see how "ocassionally" they corresponded? Have you checked cell phone bills?
To get irate all of a sudden, throwing the dealio back at you raises red flags.

k

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Hi JWM -

First, welcome to MB! You've found a great site for support...

Personally, I don't flirt. Period. I feel that it's very disrespectful to my W and I just don't do it. So, I agree whole heartedly that you have every right to be upset with your H for "flirting" with this old flame...

I'm reading between the lines here, but based on your statement of... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Initially, my husband was very apologic but lately he has started to down play the situation and states that I over reacted. He yells that he did NOT have an affair, it was a stupid misjudgment on his part and I should get over it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...leads me to believe that you have been questioning your H over this issue over a fairly long period of time. If this isn't the case, then please accept my appologies.

Now, if you have been questioning your H repeatedly over this issue, I want to ask you this question: What are your H's ACTIONS saying to you? Is he still in contact with this old GF? Is he less affectionate? Does he try to hide things (e-mail passwords, cell phone records, etc) from you? Has he started using any new phrases that you've never heard before?

Your H could very well be telling you the truth... if he is, then constantly questioning him over and over again, will most likely cause him to be defensive...

I would accept what he says at face value and stop questioning him so closely... watch his ACTIONS . If his actions are trustworthy and match his words, then you can be fairly sure that your H is telling you the truth. If his actions DON'T match his words, then you might want to start snooping a bit more...

Hope this helps...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Thank you for the advise! To shed more light on the subject, unfortunately, our 8 year old was home when I confronted my husband. It was 5 days before Christmas. At that moment, I was not thinking rational and did not contain my anger. I let my husband have it. Our son came running downstairs and saw/heard the argument. My husband is mad at me because he feels that I should have reacted more calmly and asked him about the e-mail in private. I agree it should have been discussed in private.

Our son has since been telling "EVERYONE" that his father cheating on his mom. We have discussed the situation with him, but he continues to tell family and friends about the situation and ask questions about "having affairs with exgirlfriends."

This is why the subject keeps surfacing and my husband becomes mad at me for how I handled my finding.

Changes in behavior? Well you better believe the company computer does NOT come home anymore. In fact, last night, he told me that I should NOT have invaded his privacy. I found that comment disturbing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In fact, last night, he told me that I should NOT have invaded his privacy. I found that comment disturbing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I agree... Big Red Flag on that comment!

Now, you've already learned that losing your temper and yelling at your H usually has 'poor' results and now your 8 year old son is aware that something is going on between you and your H.

Read up on Plan-A and see if there are any actions that you do that will help end all contact with this old GF... Try to remain calm and respectful to your H and continue to watch his actions... again, if his actions aren't trustworthy, then don't give him your trust.

I'd say that regardless of whether or not your H has actually become involved with this old GF, that a MC would definitely help you and your H learn how to better relate and communicate with each other.

Semper Fi,
RIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he told me that I should NOT have invaded his privacy. I found that comment disturbing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OUCH!! Some people view flirting harmless, at one time I did too. Then when I was working I would see coworkers flirt and see it start to cross over the lines. I think it's nothing but trouble. I wonder if it was your flirting with an exbf how he would feel?

I think flirting as a married person shows your spouse disrespect.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I guess I would wonder why a happily married woman would call an exbf, isn't that looking for trouble?