Maybe I've been going about this all wrong. I've asked for help for my wife who is BS but who has filed for divorce from me. D-Day was 3 and half years ago and I was not involved in an affair at the time. I've been in sexual addiction recovery since D-day. Wife has tried to recover on her own and the recurrence of tormenting memories has been too much for her. She has little or no interest in hearing from others. I printed out and gave to her what a number of BW here graciously wrote to her. We haven't talke about whether she read it or not but she has been VERY icey toward me. So here's my thought: maybe I need to hear from someone in my shoes whose been down this road and has successfully recovered his/her marriage. Is there anyone here like that?
I know mostly BS's are here but surely I'm not the only FWS who 'came to their senses' and realized what an awful, destructive, and selfish choice it is to betray one's spouse (and children). I'm minimally hopeful that our marriage is going to make it but the little hope I have prompts me to post this. Thanks.

X,

I am not the FWS, I am the FBS but I wanted to D my H when all of his antics finally saw the light of day.

I don`t know your whole story but I assuming that the A (or A`s) may have just been the icing on the cake. I think that BS`s who want out after discovery have suffered YEARS of misery within the M. I don`t think just one A would be enough to push most BS`s over the edge. If a couple had been relativley happy before d-day most BS`s would be willing to try and repair the M.

In our case we had small children so I wavered on the D...we did not separate. I stayed in the home. So H did see me on a daily basis.

I didn`t think things would improve...I thought it was impossible for H to change. I guess I was giving him one more chance so that I could walk away with no regrets. I was SURE he would screw up again.

H immediately made drastic changes...not so much in his thought patterns (at first)...he still was who he was...but he changed his actions. He stopped all contact with the OW`s...he dumped the people he did drugs with...he stopped doing drugs himself. And he threw himself into Plan A.

I was VERY skeptical. And I also felt like all of these changes were a "ploy" to win me back. In other words they were not real...they were not sincere and they wouldn`t last. I was angry that we had to be on the brink of a D for H to treat me as a W should be treated. Why couldn`t he behave with kindness and love towards me BEFORE?

This REALLY ticked me off.

Now early into this H had said to me "We must stay married because if we don`t I will fall back into my old habits...I am changing all of these about myself FOR YOU...to save the M"

That was the WRONG thing for H to say....

I did not want H to change things for me...I wanted him to change them for himself. I wanted him to become right with himself and deal with whatever led him into drug addiction and affairs.

Eventually H came to me and said...`Whether you wind up divocing me or not I am not going to revert back to my old ways. I have changed things for the better for ME``

That was music to my ears and I think that is when I started to open my heart back up to my H. That is when I knew the changes were for real and they would be permanent.

Scoundrel...deal with your issues...make the changes you need to make for YOURSELF. You need to be happy whether your W comes back to you or not. I think if you can accomplish this your W might believe in real change. But if not then so be it. You move forward with your life and make the choices that will make you happy and at peace with yourself.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</small>