If you separated from your S (either the one that moved or the one that stayed), can you please tell me how long it lasted and how you personally got through it and what helped the two of you get back together? My WH moved into his apartment on Saturday. Late last week he said to me he thought it would be short-term - either he would move back home (to me and our kids) or into a small house. I still love him very much (more than ever in fact now that I understand him on a deeper level) and truly want to fulfill his emotional needs, particularly the ones that have been neglected for a long time but only if he comes to a similar decision about me. I'm trying to show him love and affection at every opportunity but he has not reciprocated much at all and I'm not sure how long I can keep giving without receiving. He said he thought we should evaluate things in 3 months - in other words decide if we should divorce or not at that point. He has not agreed to break off the other relationship yet so he may still be communicating with her and that hurts big time.

Thanks for any feedback you have time to give.

Hey there, my FWH and I were separated for 3 months, and have now been in Recovery for 9 months. Separation is not the end of the world. Don't lose your hope.

Let's see, I'll give you the Reader's Digest version of my story. I had suspected H and my former best friend (OW) having an EA in about September/October of last year. It just got worse and worse, culminating in my H having a mental breakdown on 12/31/04 in the ER. That is where he confessed the 2 week PA to me, D-day. After that he stayed in a halfway house for 5 days, moved into his parents' house, then got his own apartment.

After he confessed the PA to me, OW felt "betrayed" by him and promptly began telling everyone she was dating another man (she had been seeing him all along, but H didn't want to believe it). She did still communicate with him when he would contact HER, and when they saw each other at Scouts (my H was her DS's Assistant Scout Master, in the same patrol as my 2 sons - YUCKY).

That kept H on the fence for 3 months, while I think he went through withdrawals of her and their relationship. He was seeing an IC, I was seeing an IC, and we went through a MC attempt that failed. As a last-ditch effort, his IC became our MC, and 3 weeks later H was back home.

Now, the KEY to my H coming back home was NOT IC, or MC, IMO. It was the work I did on mySELF, for MYSELF. See, there is a whole pattern, a kind-of sick dance that everyone goes through in these situations. And there is a process of BS growth that happens, that totally changes the dynamics of the situation ~ the triangle you have now found yourself unwillingly apart of.

So, first off, tell me your stats: kids, how many, how long you've been married, how long you've known him, what you marriage was like pre-A, who knows about the A, what books you've read so far (and make sure you read this entire site, as well, especially about the giver and the taker and LB's and the Love Bank and all that).

Hang in there. You are in a great place, and we'll get through this together.

Spidey

Hi Very,
My H & I had a long journey to reconciliation and were separated multiple times 14 out of 21 months, so the length of time won't be of any comfort to you. And, I did a too long Plan A at 18 months. But the good news is that we've been reconciled for 4 1/2 years and our marriage restored.

I read some of your other posts and found that it's been less than a month since D day. I would suggest that you Plan A for now. Meet your H's needs if you can, but also give him some space, like not calling more than twice a day, if that. Center your conversation on your kids.

Set up regular visitation times for him to see the kids. Having him face the reality of visitation is a good thing, but if it would be a hardship on the kids to be there overnight, don't press that.

If you want to offer your house for the visitation, there are various ways to handle that, you can all-out PLan A, serve supper have a family night. Or, you can leave the moment he walks in the door--IF you trust him in your house alone. (Example: a moving truck to arrive 10 minutes after you've left.) But, he should at least experience visitation without you, without the comfort of the home he has left.

You say that he hasn't ended the other relationship and that he could be in contact. After being on MB for 6 years I would say the odds are very high he is seeing her and in fact, moved out so that he could do so more easily.

I saw in one of your other posts you were considering a divorce lawyer, and getting a lawyer isn't a bad idea to protect yourself & kids, however, don't start the D yourself at this point. If your H wants a D, he should do the work.

The other thing you need to do at this point is document all the finances & account balances.

You may want to consider setting up a separate account with some funds...just in case. It remains a part of the marital assets, but your H wouldn't have access to it.

A good aspect, if one can call it that, of Plan A while separated is that you don't have to deal with the WS around the clock. When you see him or talk to him, it is for a limited time and it is easier to quell your lovebusters for that specific time period.

You've already done the love letters, he knows you don't want this separation, from this point on, if you can, don't cry or beg or plead.

One of the difficult things about Plan A while separated is that many WS become cake eaters. They have their single lifestyle at their place and can come visit their family and home life when they want. You do want to encourage him to continue to being a dad and not walk away from the kids, because he will always be their dad.

As for giving without receiving, can you reconcile yourself to that for awhile? It does hurt and it is difficult, but if you keep in mind that you are working towards the goal of keeping yourself at the point where reconciliation is possible for you, it might help. Like marathon training, not so fun in the process, but the possibility of reaching the optimal goal of your family reunited is worth some effort.

verysadnow,

My situation was quite different from yours, so I expect the outcome also would be.

I'm a guy. My w moved out (about 3.5 years ago) with our then 6-month-old daughter (only child so far). She had an apartment for 18 months. After the first month, I was spending the night over there sometimes and toward the end, I was over there about half the nights. Sometimes it felt like I was having an affair with my own wife - especially when she kicked me out at 2am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The differences in our case were
-W's OM was still overseas when W first moved out.
-My ww was completely dependent on me financially. I signed the lease on her apt.
-W's nephew (20) lived with me and I was putting him through college, so she was afraid that I would cut him off and her family would be upset with her.


Now in your case, I suppose you'll have the kids - and unless your H is a complete idiot, that will be a draw for him - at least to stay involved with the family.

Our 18 months could have been shorter if I had gotten my housing situation in order sooner. I was renovating the house and W didn't want to move back in with the baby while the house was all torn up.

Good luck to you,

-AD

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

verysad,

I have personally been separated for 9 months and apparently headed for D. I was just at a medical conference and spent time with a couple that instantly became friends. They both mentioned that I had this sadness about me and just had to ask what my story was. After I told them , and this couple appeared to be "in love" and just plain love, they told me that they had been separated for TWO years. Their faith in God(mainly one sided by her)was credited as saving their M. What a joyous couple to be around.


Hope that my little story helps.

VSN

My husband and I were seperated for gosh like almost a year. I wanted it too though because I wasn't sure if I even wanted to be with him anymore. I think it some ways he plan A'd me more than I ever did him. But don't go by my example. I didn't find MB until a couple of months ago.

Lor offers great advice. I would definately let him feel what it would be like to visit the kids without you. During my first divorce, my ex had a smack of reality when he had to take the kids out by himself and answer their questions.

I think being alone with them was pretty hard on him and in the middle of our divorce he asked if I would go with him on their visits. Uhm, excuse me, I am soon to be divorced from you and you are on your own dear. He divorced me for the ow.

Good luck
Tig

verysadnow3,

I forgot to say some things that worked for me.

One of the things I did that seemed to work was to not call WW, and to be gone or busy when she called.

Right now, you have to make sure that you do not appear to be a desparate clinging person. Your H needs to know that you can move on, you can have a nice life without him, that you can get busy and do interesting things which he can only be curious about.

W's nephew lived with me, and she would call and hear "he's gone somewhere, I don't know where", and call back 4 hours later and I was still gone and another time later and I was still gone. Then, when she got ahold of me, I would put on my happy voice and my happy face.

That helps a lot.

-AD

I cut and pasted this from an old thread. Hope it helps.

My story is spread all over this board. I've been working on one of those "This is my story" posts but have never finished it.

Short version goes like this......

In July 25, 2002 (less than a week before our first cruise) I found out she was having an A. It had been going on for......my best guess, 6 months at that point. They had professed feelings for each other in May 02. She wanted out. I went TDY for a week and then moved in with a friend for a month. She flipped-flopped almost daily on what she wanted to do and I was right there with her the whole time. I had several cases of whiplash from the quick direction changes.

In Oct I moved back home into the guest room. Our house was not a nice place to be. There was no interaction between the two of us. Indifference seemed to describe her feelings toward me. It was in this month that on a family trip to the beach she told me that she had had an affair in 99 also.

I was doing what I thought was a plan A, when in reality all I was doing was being a doormat. She was still in contact with OM (they worked together) and it was just plain hard to deal with all this stuff.

In November I found myself talking more and more to a woman that was going through a divorce of her own. Within a month, our emails turned into phone calls which turned into coffee, which turned into....you get the picture. For about a month I had an affair with this woman. During the time I had all kinds of good reasons to have the A, but in retrospect I was just being selfish. I told myself that I had tried for six months and nothing had changed. That I wasn't really having an A because there wasn't really a marriage there anyway. No touching, no talking wore me down.

I wasn't looking to have an affair but I did very little to stop it.

We ended our A in December. In Jan 03 my wife saw the cell bill with the calls to OW. She asked, I denied.

In Apr 03 a friend of ours told my W about my A. She confronted me and I confessed. I also found out that she had remained in contact with her OM as a friend. My wife saw this as the opportunity to make a clean break. on April 21 I came home to a half empty house. My wife moved out and into base housing.

It isn't until this point that healing takes place. For the first month it was horrible. I had lost 50lbs and was a scant 145. I smoked like a fiend and drank multiple pots of coffee a day. This is when I got serious about fixing me. I came here more and got involved in our church. I started the guitar again and started school. I wasn't really in plan B but the only interaction I had with my wife was in church on Sundays and when we switched our daughter from house to house. Over a couple of months we spoke only about an hour or so.

I really grew during this time. I was actually happy!!! I was sad that my wife and I were apart but had come to the realization that there was little I could do about it. We had been separated for three months and the sky hadn't fallen on me yet. I was still sad but not wrist-slittin' sad. People noticed the change in me.(including my wife) I taught bible school and went into the woods with 106 teenagers camping for a week.

While at this camp I had no cell phone, laptop or landline. Just me, my bible and a cabin with ten 6th grade boys. I was hit with pillows more that week than all other times in my life combined. When I got out the woods I noticed I had several voicemails. They were all from my wife. She wanted to talk about us getting back together. I was happy but at the same time skeptical. She had brought this up before and changed her mind a couple days later. When I got home I talked to my counselor. I had been seeing her for over a year and she had already certified me "fixed" but I wanted to bounce the whole getting back together thing off of her.

In a way I wasn't really ready to get back together. I was scared. I didn't want to lose this self confidence....the swagger, that I had found. So we waited. We set Oct 1, 2003 as the move-in date. We still had lots to deal with as a couple but we had dealt with our individual issues while we were separated.

The biggest reason our marriage is where it is today is because of our church and our trust in God. Taking the focus off of each other and putting it on God got us to where we are at. We have been speaking at our Divorce care group for the past 60 months or so. Our church did a sermon on forgiveness, showing a 10 minute long video of us talking about what we had been through. We are also starting a group/class for couples whose marriages are on the brink of divorce but don't want too. Funny where you find yourself sometimes.

I've left out lots. If you want do a search on my member #, most of my posts were in recovery and General questions.

Everyone - thank you so much for your replies. I plan to read them carefully tonight after the kids go to bed. I'm feeling very sad at the moment because my h is on the opposite coast right now for work - he arrived there last night and never called to say he arrived. I realize we are separated now (all of 2 days) but I am still his wife and the mother of his children. Despite the fact I fully intended not to call or e-mail him first, I sent him an e-mail this afternoon and when he did not respond after 2 hours, I left him a voicemail on his cell phone asking if he arrived okay and suggested he call me after kids get in bed tonight. Now I feel even worse because I feel like I'm begging for a few morsels of his attention. I know he is in emotional turmoil now and I just need to give him space but I am in emotional turmoil, too. It is clear he is considering how much to put back into our marriage, how fast and whether he wants to do it. It has not even been a full month since the affair came out and only 2 days since he moved into an apartment. I know I'm probably just expecting too much too soon. He did say we should give the separation 3 months. It hurts so bad though - I really don't like feeling like this 75% of the time when I'm not working out or busy with the kids. I keep thinking that she is with him on his business trip. I don't think he would have invited her but he may have dissuaded her either. My biggest fear is that despite the fact we've been married 20 years, have 3 wonderful children and have had lots of special times, I'm worried he no longer cares about me and wants to avoid me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi again verysad- I posted to you last week and am glad to see you're still on the boards. When my H refused to end his A I asked him to move out and he did for around 6 wks.He said he was staying with friends but refused to give me their phone numbers- I suspected and was right that he was staying at OW's condo. It made me crazy that he was going home to OW's place while I was home crying my eyes out. However I didn't realize it at the time but there can be no beginning of marriage recovery unless and until all contact has completely ended with the other person. My WH would break things off then they'd be back on- that is a rollercoaster! He came home several nights a week for an hour to spend time with the kids. I would hang around looking sad. It would have been better for me to just GO somewhere while he was there. I did try to stay apart from him in the house while he was visiting. I wish now that I had written out a schedule for us to follow about when he could come by to see the kids- I left it randomly up to him which ended up causing me unnecessary contact with him.We should have had a set schedule so he could see what planned separations are like. I would sometimes ask him about our relationship future- that usually led to his saying he wanted a D so I stopped asking.I spent alot of time at Starbucks drinking lattes and also had a few friends I could confide in thank goodness. I also read the books "Hope for the Separated" and "Love Must be Tough." I talked to my pastor who knew both me and H. One thing I did like was being able to buy the groceries I wanted, have the bedroom to myself, spent time with the kids without tension etc. I took down all our wedding photos first thing in the bedroom. Shoulda put a dartboard up instead. When we got back together I wish we would have kept living apart and gone to counseling together FIRST before his moving back into the house. I think my recovery would have bennefited from not rushing into it. Hope these ideas help you. take care- lifeismessy

Hi again verysad- I posted to you last week and am glad to see you're still on the boards. When my H refused to end his A I asked him to move out and he did for around 6 wks.He said he was staying with friends but refused to give me their phone numbers- I suspected and was right that he was staying at OW's condo. It made me crazy that he was going home to OW's place while I was home crying my eyes out. However I didn't realize it at the time but there can be no beginning of marriage recovery unless and until all contact has completely ended with the other person. My WH would break things off then they'd be back on- that is a rollercoaster! He came home several nights a week for an hour to spend time with the kids. I would hang around looking sad. It would have been better for me to just GO somewhere while he was there. I did try to stay apart from him in the house while he was visiting. I wish now that I had written out a schedule for us to follow about when he could come by to see the kids- I left it randomly up to him which ended up causing me unnecessary contact with him.We should have had a set schedule so he could see what planned separations are like. I would sometimes ask him about our relationship future- that usually led to his saying he wanted a D so I stopped asking.I spent alot of time at Starbucks drinking lattes and also had a few friends I could confide in thank goodness. I also read the books "Hope for the Separated" and "Love Must be Tough." I talked to my pastor who knew both me and H. One thing I did like was being able to buy the groceries I wanted, have the bedroom to myself, spent time with the kids without tension etc. I took down all our wedding photos first thing in the bedroom. Shoulda put a dartboard up instead. When we got back together I wish we would have kept living apart and gone to counseling together FIRST before his moving back into the house. I think my recovery would have bennefited from not rushing into it. Hope these ideas help you. take care- lifeismessy

Hi again verysad- I posted to you last week and am glad to see you're still on the boards. When my H refused to end his A I asked him to move out and he did for around 6 wks.He said he was staying with friends but refused to give me their phone numbers- I suspected and was right that he was staying at OW's condo. It made me crazy that he was going home to OW's place while I was home crying my eyes out. However I didn't realize it at the time but there can be no beginning of marriage recovery unless and until all contact has completely ended with the other person. My WH would break things off then they'd be back on- that is a rollercoaster! He came home several nights a week for an hour to spend time with the kids. I would hang around looking sad. It would have been better for me to just GO somewhere while he was there. I did try to stay apart from him in the house while he was visiting. I wish now that I had written out a schedule for us to follow about when he could come by to see the kids- I left it randomly up to him which ended up causing me unnecessary contact with him.We should have had a set schedule so he could see what planned separations are like. I would sometimes ask him about our relationship future- that usually led to his saying he wanted a D so I stopped asking.I spent alot of time at Starbucks drinking lattes and also had a few friends I could confide in thank goodness. I also read the books "Hope for the Separated" and "Love Must be Tough." I talked to my pastor who knew both me and H. One thing I did like was being able to buy the groceries I wanted, have the bedroom to myself, spent time with the kids without tension etc. I took down all our wedding photos first thing in the bedroom. Shoulda put a dartboard up instead. When we got back together I wish we would have kept living apart and gone to counseling together FIRST before his moving back into the house. I think my recovery would have bennefited from not rushing into it. Hope these ideas help you. take care- lifeismessy

Hi again verysad- I posted to you last week and am glad to see you're still on the boards. When my H refused to end his A I asked him to move out and he did for around 6 wks.He said he was staying with friends but refused to give me their phone numbers- I suspected and was right that he was staying at OW's condo. It made me crazy that he was going home to OW's place while I was home crying my eyes out. However I didn't realize it at the time but there can be no beginning of marriage recovery unless and until all contact has completely ended with the other person. My WH would break things off then they'd be back on- that is a rollercoaster! He came home several nights a week for an hour to spend time with the kids. I would hang around looking sad. It would have been better for me to just GO somewhere while he was there. I did try to stay apart from him in the house while he was visiting. I wish now that I had written out a schedule for us to follow about when he could come by to see the kids- I left it randomly up to him which ended up causing me unnecessary contact with him.We should have had a set schedule so he could see what planned separations are like. I would sometimes ask him about our relationship future- that usually led to his saying he wanted a D so I stopped asking.I spent alot of time at Starbucks drinking lattes and also had a few friends I could confide in thank goodness. I also read the books "Hope for the Separated" and "Love Must be Tough." I talked to my pastor who knew both me and H. One thing I did like was being able to buy the groceries I wanted, have the bedroom to myself, spent time with the kids without tension etc. I took down all our wedding photos first thing in the bedroom. Shoulda put a dartboard up instead. When we got back together I wish we would have kept living apart and gone to counseling together FIRST before his moving back into the house. I think my recovery would have bennefited from not rushing into it. Hope these ideas help you. take care- lifeismessy

Hi again verysad- I posted to you last week and am glad to see you're still on the boards. When my H refused to end his A I asked him to move out and he did for around 6 wks.He said he was staying with friends but refused to give me their phone numbers- I suspected and was right that he was staying at OW's condo. It made me crazy that he was going home to OW's place while I was home crying my eyes out. However I didn't realize it at the time but there can be no beginning of marriage recovery unless and until all contact has completely ended with the other person. My WH would break things off then they'd be back on- that is a rollercoaster! He came home several nights a week for an hour to spend time with the kids. I would hang around looking sad. It would have been better for me to just GO somewhere while he was there. I did try to stay apart from him in the house while he was visiting. I wish now that I had written out a schedule for us to follow about when he could come by to see the kids- I left it randomly up to him which ended up causing me unnecessary contact with him.We should have had a set schedule so he could see what planned separations are like. I would sometimes ask him about our relationship future- that usually led to his saying he wanted a D so I stopped asking.I spent alot of time at Starbucks drinking lattes and also had a few friends I could confide in thank goodness. I also read the books "Hope for the Separated" and "Love Must be Tough." I talked to my pastor who knew both me and H. One thing I did like was being able to buy the groceries I wanted, have the bedroom to myself, spent time with the kids without tension etc. I took down all our wedding photos first thing in the bedroom. Shoulda put a dartboard up instead. When we got back together I wish we would have kept living apart and gone to counseling together FIRST before his moving back into the house. I think my recovery would have bennefited from not rushing into it. Hope these ideas help you. take care- lifeismessy

Hi again verysad- I posted to you last week and am glad to see you're still on the boards. When my H refused to end his A I asked him to move out and he did for around 6 wks.He said he was staying with friends but refused to give me their phone numbers- I suspected and was right that he was staying at OW's condo. It made me crazy that he was going home to OW's place while I was home crying my eyes out. However I didn't realize it at the time but there can be no beginning of marriage recovery unless and until all contact has completely ended with the other person. My WH would break things off then they'd be back on- that is a rollercoaster! He came home several nights a week for an hour to spend time with the kids. I would hang around looking sad. It would have been better for me to just GO somewhere while he was there. I did try to stay apart from him in the house while he was visiting. I wish now that I had written out a schedule for us to follow about when he could come by to see the kids- I left it randomly up to him which ended up causing me unnecessary contact with him.We should have had a set schedule so he could see what planned separations are like. I would sometimes ask him about our relationship future- that usually led to his saying he wanted a D so I stopped asking.I spent alot of time at Starbucks drinking lattes and also had a few friends I could confide in thank goodness. I also read the books "Hope for the Separated" and "Love Must be Tough." I talked to my pastor who knew both me and H. One thing I did like was being able to buy the groceries I wanted, have the bedroom to myself, spent time with the kids without tension etc. I took down all our wedding photos first thing in the bedroom. Shoulda put a dartboard up instead. When we got back together I wish we would have kept living apart and gone to counseling together FIRST before his moving back into the house. I think my recovery would have bennefited from not rushing into it. Hope these ideas help you. take care- lifeismessy

Sorry about the duplicate posts- I was trying to hurry and post before picking up my kids at school and it kept stalling so I kept hitting the post button. LIM

My FW, maybe still wh AND I were seperated from April 25th until middle to late February in the 2003-2004 time period. All I heard from H was that I needed to move on, he was never inlove with me and the OP was everything he ever wanted and more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That we were done, and I needed to except that. Well when I finally did what he wanted- I started to move on, live my life for me, stopped being a doormat waiting on his every move. I started being the parent I wanted to be, the person I liked, not afraid of what would happen if I did something. ANy way H moved out after Christmas and by Middle of February he was asking to come back, telling me he made the biggest mistake and he wanted another chance with me. I was VERY DUMB and took him right back. Not that I do not love him, however he felt that he did nothing wrong, and that I should be greatful that he is back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> No counseling, nothing to help insure our Marriage, and here we are January 05 stuggleing still. I do not really trust him, I am constantly thinking that he is still seeing the OP, because he gave no real sign of remorse, and a no contact letter was never sent. I hope all works out for you, but make sure you do not fall on your double edged sword by wanting your spouse back so bad that you hinder your recovery more.

Hello verysad...

i know what you are going thru also my H. and i have been living apart for almost 3mos w/the emotional rollercoaster going on during that time (we tried the plan A thing for about 1mos).

I have good days then i have BAD days but it is important to work on you...i am beginning to accept i cannot control this situation-i cannot control my H's feelings-he does not even know his own feelings.

Since my moving out, i found a great place in the city, have wonderful friends and co-workers and a pretty good social circle but i am also enjoying my time alone, i joined a dance class, something i always wanted to do but had no time (i used to commute 3 hours a day becuz by H wanted to move to the "burbs" closer to his work) and i am feeling relatively OK - i even talked to H today and did not feel ill after - i felt calm and sure of myself-its my chance to look deep into myself.

I know in my heart that i did the best i could to save our marriage and i loved him the only way i knew how and it was a good 9yrs of the 14yrs (the last 5yrs were difficult-he went thru his life changes and i should have seen the A. coming) And who knows maybe H. isn't the person for me...maybe there is someone out there that could love me TRULY-i deserve a 2nd chance too
So if i can really feel like its out of my hands and move on - love will find a way, either w/WS-if he sees his wrongdoings or a new love...

geez dating kinda seems exciting - havent really experienced that feeling.

So be strong and hold your head high and just know there a bad days AND worse nites but take each day at a time...i am sure it will get better-it has to...

Hi verysad- How are you doing today? If you remember from my posts- I tried to do Plan A while separated with my H and it was so hard to keep giving to him while he was off seeing her it created so much anger inside me that now years later I am STILL trying to process it all. Is your H going to come see the kids on a set schedule?Did he sign a lease for a set amount of time where he moved to? If I were you I'd go to Plan B and stick to only essential finances/kids talks with H.Have you read the book Love Must Be Tough? It gives good advice on how to do a solid Plan B. As long as there is ANY contact between WH and OW recovery can not take place. I didn't want to face that when I was in your spot but it is really true.You will wear out your 'giver' if you give too much. Take care- lifeismessy