Just another thought... <P>Having been a betrayer, I really believe that any betrayer who is saying they want to break it off with the OP in person, and alone, is lying to you about what they are going to say. I bet anything that betrayer is going to say "my wife found out, and we need to cool it for a while. I'll call you when I can" or something to that effect. Leaving the OP hanging. I could be wrong, but I can't see any other reason why it would have to be done in private and in person.

Tamis, <BR>This is exactly what happened with my H and OW and he managed to do it many times. She is rather angry now that it really has ended because she was strung along and led to believe it was only a matter of time before they would be together.

What Cracker's H did was what I'm talking about. It's so easy to go and say to the OP "you know I love you, but I have to be careful now, my wife is watching, I want you, but I have to stay for the kids (or whatever) blah blah blah". But for the betrayer to go WITH THEIR SPOUSE and say "this is it, I don't love you, it's over, you're out of my life, I love my wife" now THAT is a sign that they are ready to work on their marriage.

JN,<P>Resident betrayed/betrayer here. Under no circumstances whatsoever should you agree to your H meeting with OW alone. Period. If he really wanted to end things with her, he wouldn't even want to ever see her again. The fact that he wants to shows that he still feels an emotional obligation to her. That's unacceptable if he truly wants to commit 100% to rebuilding your marriage.<P>If he insists on meeting with her, then you must grit and bear it and go with him. As others have said, the two of you should appear united, committed and strong. If he goes alone, no telling what the OW will say or do, or what he will say or do, for that matter.<P>That's why I agree with Dr. Harley that it is best done in a letter, or over the phone with the spouse on the other line. <P>Again, DO NOT agree to him going alone.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Your H gets credit for at least 'fessing up instead of denying (if there was any wiggle room) and for being honest about meeting her in person. Looking at the bright side he may be showing accountability and truly be doing what he thinks is best. Or he may be doing what many say here and string her along either out of guilt or by choice. Either way he is just plain wrong.<P>I discovered my H's brief affair (read profile for details if you want) and he said it was already over, but upon discovery it was really really over. There was evidence he was in fact walking away as I discovered it. However, after promising no more contact, I discovered he met with her three days later to end it. In his defense I think he did mean to end it and he he didn't tell me he was going to protect, not hurt me. I have never got a straight answer what happened that night other than he went to tell her how much trouble he got into. He was also pursued by her and I have detected no emotional attatchment to her.<P>I do not believe he ever saw her again, but I discovered they were in phone contact for eight more weeks! I part of it was she was saying she was so in love (gag) and he felt guilty and accountable. I believe she also was threatening to make a scene with me somehow. Don't know her, she lives in another town, but I think H was calling to keep her at bay, kind of. Finally it was over and don't think there is any contact, no residual feelings other than remorse and we are doing better than ever.<P>My point is this one contact and then phone contact put our marriage in greater danger than it already was in. It was one thing to have the affair, but the lies about contact afterward still makes me angry. I trust his faithfulness, but the knowledge that he could lie to me even when he wanted the marriage, has done irrepairable damage.<P>I believe if my H could do it over he would do it differently. Hindsight is 20/20 and we are all giving you that.<P>Best of luck.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I vote for you going with him. Think of the message you are conveying to her by standing with him. The OW will realize that it is indeed over (that's what you want). <P>SHA

My H is supposed to meet with her today. I have asked if I could go along, and he said no way. He needs to handle this on his own. It's the fair thing to do for someone who has been his friend.<P>I have talked until I am blue in the face trying to make him understand how it makes me feel, how wrong it is and possible alternative ways of handling it - including me being there. He says I am overreacting. He will not budge.<P>I am very hurt by it. I am fairly positive in his intentions to do the right thing and end it completely. However, I am not sure that he will be able to be clear and strong with her when he is there.<P>I feel that it is hopeless now to try anymore to talk him out of it. He's going to do it his way, regardless of what I say. All I can do is hope he will be completely honest with me about it.<P>I have thought about writing her a letter or email to let her know how I feel, what she has done and what he has promised me. Do you think that will help?<BR>JN

From a betrayers point of view...if the OM asked to meet me in person to break it off I would think that he really loved me because he cared enough to see me one last time and talk in person.<P>I would probably try my hardest to talk him out of it and it would be more difficult for him to break it off.<P>I think by doing it over the phone or in person your husband will not be sending the OW mixed messages. She should be told firmly and with conviction that he no longer wants her in his life or else she might not get the hint...I didn't.<P>My OM told me several times that he wanted me, missed me, wasn't happy about his decision, but had to stay for his child. Hearing that doesn't make it easy for the OW to walk away.<P>Your H is not doing her or you any favors by telling her alone in person.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited September 21, 1999).]

This really saddens me that your H feels the need to see her one last time. If she truly were his friend, this OW would have done nothing to ruin his marriage. Real friends don't do that.<P>After what your H has put you through, he isn't respecting your wishes...he is doing some major lovebusting here.<P>Do you know where they are going to meet? This is my opinion only....but I know I would be going to where they are supposed to meet just to watch what happens.<P>Also, do not write or contact this OW to tell her how you feel. It only makes you look vulnerable and needy. There is no need for her to know what is going on in your life. It isn't any of her business. If she is indeed curious, let her wonder...her imagination will get the best of her.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited September 21, 1999).]

He is meeting her right now. He called me from the car on his way. He told me where he is meeting her and said he will call me after.<P>After he tells me what he has said, I plan to write her a letter telling her how I feel and reconfirm everything he has told he's said. Do you think that will help to make it clear to her? Will help for her to know how she has hurt me? Will it help for her to know exactly that he has promised me he loves me and wants me and wants to make us work. He has told me that he doesn't love her. Do you think that will help?

JN....does this OW know the reason to why your H is meeting her? I wish I could hug you right now. I feel so bad about this. I do hope that when you H comes face to face with her, he won't buckle, and will break it off with her.<P>Again....DO NOT contact this OW. Like I said in an earlier reply, she doesn't need to know anything that really isn't her business to begin with. Let her curiosity get the best of her. That is the best revenge....<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited September 21, 1999).]

I don't think she know exactly the reason he is meeting her. I think she pretty much knows it's over. <P>He said that he had ended the sexual part almost a month ago. He says that he has told her all along that he loves me and wants things to work with us. After her H called our house and my H confessed evrything to me, he called her with me there and said he didn't want us to be dragged into her ugly divorce. Since the revelation he has spent all weekend and most all free time with me and says he has not really spoken to her. What he hasn't said yet and says he will say now is the no friends, no contact part.<P>I guess I see your point about me not giving her any info. It just would make me feel better to speak my mind to her and to hope she feels a lot of guilt for it.<BR>Thanks for the hug.<BR>JN

JN...do you have any idea how long your H will be gone for? I'm glad that her H is aware of the affair. Whenever an affair is exposed, most of the time it isn't that exciting anymore.<P>I'm glad that your H is re-committing to your marriage. Does he know of Harley's concepts?<P>I can understand why you want to let this OW how you feel but if she doesn't respond in a way that you want her to (with guilt & remorse), it may back-fire and leave you feeling hurt.<P>That's why it's probably best to not contact her at all.

He says he won't be there that long. If he doesn't call in a reasonable amount of time, I will call his cell phone. I am at work, otherwise I would probably go there and spy. Also,he would be furious if he saw me and that wouldnt be good for anything.<P>He has been great in starting to work on rebuilding in all other aspects. He did read some of Dr. Harleys stuff that I printed out from the internet. He thinks some of it is good and some is a bit extreme. Which I guess I agree with.<P>I wasn't really wanting or expecting a response from her. I more just wanted to speak my mind to her and hope it had some impact. She has a husband and two kids. Maybe it would help them, But I doubt it.<P>I think I will just hope he has done what he says and will be honest with me. Keep my eyes open, but try to move forward. I think I need to stop focusing on her and them, and start focusing on us. I hope that he will end it and that will help us move on.<BR>JN

JN...I commend you for being so patient. I have to admit, I would have a hard time with it. Hang in there. Let us know how things went. Hopefully everything will go as planned.

Well, you are all right. I am a total idiot! He is still there. It's been two hours. I called on his cell phone. He was very cold and just told me he would see me at home later.<P>He isnt really ending it. If he were ending it he wouldnt be spending two hours with her listening to her divorce woes. I dont know what to do. I am a mess! I'm sitting here in my office sobbing. Help

Help?

JN<BR>Are you there?<BR>Hang on girl. Don't make things up in your head.<BR>This is one of the most painful things anyone can go through. But you will get through it.<BR>Take a deep breath. I know right now it feels like the world is about to end. It won't.<BR>I have so much to say but I want you to know we are here. <BR>He will come home. This moment is not going to be for all time. <BR>More later, just wanted you to know someone is here.

Oh Jn...I'm so sorry. I went off-line for awhile and now that I am back on, I just read your post.<P>Hang in there until your H comes home. Maybe he is just mad about what he has done and that's why he acted so cold on the phone. I can imagine that it wasn't pleasant for him to break things off with OW.<P>I just hope that he did break it off with her. Let's not jump to conclusions until you see and talk with him first.<P>Hang in there and stay strong. I'll keep checking on you throughout the evening...

JN<BR>Notrust is right. He could just be uptight about what he has done. Did he say that he is still with her?<BR>No conclusions. They will only hurt you.<BR>